Why couldn't she apologise for anything?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Early in our relationship, the BPD offended me greatly with something that should never have happened.  I told her I was hurt and highly offended and she needed to apologise.  Any normal person would have apologized when getting caught out but after a few hours of discussion there was still no apology.

I found that to be very rude and rather weird. The following day when she saw she wouldn't be  getting away with it she said, "I'm sorry IF I offended you".  Notice that the apology was only for IF she offended me when I had already spent an hour telling me she already had.

This became a constant thing. Smashing the windscreen of my car and not apologizing or offering to pay, doing stupid and destructive things and NEVER aplogogisng when getting caught out.

Is it because she can't accept responsibility for her actions and always need to blame someone else? Any comments or observations along these lines?

[Aussie0zborn]

Early in our relationship, the BPD offended me greatly with something that should never have happened.  I told her I was hurt and highly offended and she needed to apologise.  Any normal person would have apologized when getting caught out but after a few hours of discussion there was still no apology.

I found that to be very rude and rather weird. The following day when she saw she wouldn't be  getting away with it she said, "I'm sorry IF I offended you".  Notice that the apology was only for IF she offended me when I had already spent an hour telling me she already had.

This became a constant thing. Smashing the windscreen of my car and not apologizing or offering to pay, doing stupid and destructive things and NEVER aplogogisng when getting caught out.

Is it because she can't accept responsibility for her actions and always need to blame someone else? Any comments or observations along these lines?

[obtunded]

Mine only admitted being wrong when someone else with whom she respects (her dad) would tell her, "He's right, your wrong," and then she would come back after the argument and tell me "I talked with my dad and he says you were right" ---- that was it, no apology... . ever. She would admit I'm right, but not FEEL any remorse AT ALL. And this was usually after the typical circular argument with the everything I've ever done wrong thrown in to cloud the issue. But when you realize what you're dealing with and their behavior, you see how they admit wrongdoing, because they understand the principle, but the FEELINGS for you or anyone else will not be present.

[danley]

Apologizing to them means admitting fault. It's too shameful for them. They lack self control with their words and actions. To apologize would mean that they acknowledge they offended you and that alone is far to traumatic to their sense of self. In order to apologize genuinely you'd have to put yourself in someone else's shoes and have empathy. It's a hard thing to do for someone whose focus is themselves and their feelings about the whole situation or how it makes THEM feel. Never mind that they offended you, they're more concerned with the aftermath and pain THEY feel about it in themselves. I wouldn't go so far and say they don't care what they've done and don't feel guilt. But they simply cannot look beyond themselves and find the courage to apologize sincerely because it would cause them to dig a deeper hole of shame then they're already in.

[Surnia]

Hi Aussie0born

I can relate very much with your wish about apologies. 

It is often part of the mental problems, and often does not happen.  :'(

The only thing we can do is accept this. Radical Acceptance... .

[Trick1004]

Aussie,

Don't hold your breath waiting for any kind of apology or appreciation of anything you did for your ex.

The apology is the one thing that I am confused about and remain hung-up on. They simply aren't capable of admitting any faults or behavior of their own.

My ex and I traded a few texts about a week ago (she initiated it), in one of them she did admit that she caused this (that might be the closest thing to an apology I will get) but followed it up with how hard it has been for her. Hard for her? How about any kind of recognition about how hard it has been for me? Nope nothing, it's always about her and how she feels.

I sent a text back to her that this has been the toughest experience of my life. She responded with "oh this is just awful", what the hell kind of response it that? What is awful? Me, the breakup, this text exchange? Who knows what is going through their minds. I just know I can't handle the circular logic, ambiguity, and shifting of blame onto me anymore.

My ex still wants to meet and talk at some point, so I think she might be withholding any sort of apology in the hopes of getting me to meet with her to possibly try and rope me back in. 

[ScotisGone74]

Does a three year old take responsibility for things that don't turn out well?  Will a BPD hold themselves accountable for any mistakes or bad judgements?  of course Not, how could they, their lives are full of bad judgements, much easier to blame it on the last person and move into a New, Super, Totally Awesome relationship... . for a while.