Getting sick of my self.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am so fed up and disgusted. I think about my ex almost all the time. My situation might be a little more unique than most here. My ex may or may not be diagnosed with BPD. When I met her she was on anti depressants. She was also self medicating with meth. (YES! I KNOW!) like I say below... . Didn't think I had a keeper here. When I asked her about this mental illness she was unclear. She simply stated that she had some kind of mental illness. She seemed ok most of the time. There were the usual parade of red flags. She may know that she has BPD and just didn't want to tell me. I didn't know what BPD was then. If she had told me and I researched it I would have kicked her out and put guard dogs in the yard. I was ambiguous. Didn't really seem to be a big problem. Besides I didn't want a long term relationship with her any way. Lasted almost eight years.

    In the time we spent together everything BPD emerged. I didn't even know what BPD was till recently. The victim /rescuer happened. Caretaking by me. i provided everything. The overstated emotion came out from her. The mirroring... . we had that "connection". The idealization... I loved it. Check! All of the elements were present for a BPD relationship. My codependency. My own core wounds. Lack of respect. Weak boundaries. Devaluation. It reads like a BPD grociery list. We didn't really do the break up make up thing. I tried to get her to leave like a hundred times. She just refused. We should have broken up a lot. I believe her intense fear of abandonment was overwhelming her and she was simply too scared to leave. Yes I could have called the police but I didn't want the added drama. So I rode it out. Besides... . All couples have their ups and downs right? RIGHT! Sheesh!

    I relocated out of state for my job. That was a little over two and a half years ago. She came with me. She would go back and forth alone and stay at her parents house back home. We also made trips home together. One trip was around Christmas over a year and a half ago. We drove home together then she was going to fly back in January. Had the plane ticket already purchased. She told me she wanted to stay longer so we changed it to February. When February came she returned the ticket and said she didn't want to come back. I asked her what was up and she just said she didn't want to live where we had moved to and she still loved me and wanted to be with me. My relocation is temporary but extended and I knew I would be going home so I was ok with this. We talked every day on the phone texted back and forth sent pictures and all that. I finally got back home in October last year. I was there for two weeks. We spent every day together and every thing seemed pretty normal with us. The whole time we were apart I got into a pattern of missing her. She was on my mind first when I woke up and she was on my mind when I went to sleep at night. I thought about her often during the day. I loved her,you see. Then I went back to work and fell back into my pattern of loving her missing her.

    In march my place burned to the ground where I was working. There was a fire. It spread and took out five places. Mine was one of them. I called her and told her what had happened. I was in shock. I had lost everything. All I had left were the clothes I was wearing and my life.

She chose this moment to inform me that she was in a relationship with another man and had been for months. She was the closest person to me in my life and when people have hardship who do they turn to? They turn to the closest people to them. I was in so much shock and disbelief that I didn't even cry for a whole day. Been crying almost every day since. The days I don't cry I feel like it. (Been feeling a little better since I found BPD family)  Too much. Couldn't process it. She withheld important information regarding our relationship status. Just the night before the fire I was singing and playing my guitar to her on the phone. Poker face. Months. She was practically married to the new guy by then. Umm... Who does that? Seriously. A couple days before the fire I sent her with a realtor to look at a NICE home that I was going to buy for us! Tight lipped... Poker face.

         So I'm done! She wanted to stay friends! HAHAHAHAA! Lol! RIGHT!

I seriously miss the hell out of her. I cannot be her friend. My depression and anxiety are overwhelming at times.  PERFIDY

[Perfidy]

I am so fed up and disgusted. I think about my ex almost all the time. My situation might be a little more unique than most here. My ex may or may not be diagnosed with BPD. When I met her she was on anti depressants. She was also self medicating with meth. (YES! I KNOW!) like I say below... . Didn't think I had a keeper here. When I asked her about this mental illness she was unclear. She simply stated that she had some kind of mental illness. She seemed ok most of the time. There were the usual parade of red flags. She may know that she has BPD and just didn't want to tell me. I didn't know what BPD was then. If she had told me and I researched it I would have kicked her out and put guard dogs in the yard. I was ambiguous. Didn't really seem to be a big problem. Besides I didn't want a long term relationship with her any way. Lasted almost eight years.

    In the time we spent together everything BPD emerged. I didn't even know what BPD was till recently. The victim /rescuer happened. Caretaking by me. i provided everything. The overstated emotion came out from her. The mirroring... . we had that "connection". The idealization... I loved it. Check! All of the elements were present for a BPD relationship. My codependency. My own core wounds. Lack of respect. Weak boundaries. Devaluation. It reads like a BPD grociery list. We didn't really do the break up make up thing. I tried to get her to leave like a hundred times. She just refused. We should have broken up a lot. I believe her intense fear of abandonment was overwhelming her and she was simply too scared to leave. Yes I could have called the police but I didn't want the added drama. So I rode it out. Besides... . All couples have their ups and downs right? RIGHT! Sheesh!

    I relocated out of state for my job. That was a little over two and a half years ago. She came with me. She would go back and forth alone and stay at her parents house back home. We also made trips home together. One trip was around Christmas over a year and a half ago. We drove home together then she was going to fly back in January. Had the plane ticket already purchased. She told me she wanted to stay longer so we changed it to February. When February came she returned the ticket and said she didn't want to come back. I asked her what was up and she just said she didn't want to live where we had moved to and she still loved me and wanted to be with me. My relocation is temporary but extended and I knew I would be going home so I was ok with this. We talked every day on the phone texted back and forth sent pictures and all that. I finally got back home in October last year. I was there for two weeks. We spent every day together and every thing seemed pretty normal with us. The whole time we were apart I got into a pattern of missing her. She was on my mind first when I woke up and she was on my mind when I went to sleep at night. I thought about her often during the day. I loved her,you see. Then I went back to work and fell back into my pattern of loving her missing her.

    In march my place burned to the ground where I was working. There was a fire. It spread and took out five places. Mine was one of them. I called her and told her what had happened. I was in shock. I had lost everything. All I had left were the clothes I was wearing and my life.

She chose this moment to inform me that she was in a relationship with another man and had been for months. She was the closest person to me in my life and when people have hardship who do they turn to? They turn to the closest people to them. I was in so much shock and disbelief that I didn't even cry for a whole day. Been crying almost every day since. The days I don't cry I feel like it. (Been feeling a little better since I found BPD family)  Too much. Couldn't process it. She withheld important information regarding our relationship status. Just the night before the fire I was singing and playing my guitar to her on the phone. Poker face. Months. She was practically married to the new guy by then. Umm... Who does that? Seriously. A couple days before the fire I sent her with a realtor to look at a NICE home that I was going to buy for us! Tight lipped... Poker face.

         So I'm done! She wanted to stay friends! HAHAHAHAA! Lol! RIGHT!

I seriously miss the hell out of her. I cannot be her friend. My depression and anxiety are overwhelming at times.  PERFIDY

[cska]

Damn, it breaks my heart to read your post man. Its messed up, she chose to leave when YOU NEEDED HER MOST! yeesh...

We're in the same boat, I also miss my ex every day, and cry. I've been depressed for weeks.

"Just the night before the fire I was singing and playing my guitar to her on the phone. Poker face. Months. She was practically married to the new guy by then. Umm... Who does that? Seriously. A couple days before the fire I sent her with a realtor to look at a NICE home that I was going to buy for us! Tight lipped... Poker face."

Oh, gosh, its heartbreaking to read read this. I'm so sorry  

Who does that?

People with a mental illness...

Hang in there buddy, I know how bad it feels.

[willtimeheal]

Mine hunted a new life out behind my back when my mum went into the hospital for a stroke.  While I needed her most she was seeing another and  making plans to have  him move here and  in with her. Best part was she was planning all of this while I was at he hospital and then while on vacation with me at one point.  Sent me a text saying we were  over and that she was having new guy move in. But yet I still love her and here I sit in a depression and long to see and touch her again. Can you say whacked!

[really]

Perfidy

Fight through it mate. 

18 months out I think of my ex constantly.   

I have been cripplingly depressed.   It took me 18 months but I started taking antidepressants and while I still think of her I am starting to start feeling human again

We hurt because we care we are genuine.   Radical acceptance is the way forward. 

Keep posting and be kind to yourself.   It hurts but there is a way through it.

[Perfidy]

I feel like I'm caught in a nightmare. The behavior is so standard. Who could have known? So many questions. This is my life. It doesn't matter to anyone but me. I am looking at anything right now. I seriously don't want to be the walking dead anymore. I am against medication. I use a little alcohol. Not a boozer by any sense. It does help me sleep better. I wake up between two and four a.m. a lot. Sucks. SHE is on my mind. WHY? she should be the farthest thing from my thoughts. She doesn't deserve my suffering. I am better than this.

[Gaslit]

When I asked her about this mental illness she was unclear. She simply stated that she had some kind of mental illness.

Rest assured that it isn't a "good" one. One that makes her awesome maybe! Obviously, there is no such thing.

That she has a mental illness is all you need to know. Nothing unique about it.

As for the rest, try not to be hard on yourself. You had a fire trauma, that she had to trump, and in a very bad way. You have a right to feel badly, and a right to move on. That she is worse for you than a fire, says it all.

[GreenMango]

Whoa   .  It's important to call these things what they are - addiction.

She was also self medicating with meth. (YES! I KNOW!)

You mentioned some of the things you were battling with personally - codependency, boundaries, etc.


This stuff is like a key in the right lock.  The pros call it match emotional maturity.

There's a brighter side to all this - when you get sick and tire of being sick and tired things change.  It's sounds like it was a huge wake up call - unpleasant but needed.

Really painful lessons - are you working on this so if another person like this that comes around isn't an option anymore?

Ps I really sorry about your place and her response - that's awful Perfidy.

[Perfidy]

Green mango I'm working on this so I don't have to be an emotional mess for the rest of my life. Right now a relationship is not what I need so NOBODY is going to come along. Truth be known she was only supposed to be a one night stand. Eight years... . What the heck

[GreenMango]

Part of it is grief.  Letting yourself grieve.  8 years is long time.  Its goingto take some time to adjust.  Try to be patient with yourself.

I remember thinking about it a loot first couple months.  Like 23 out of 24 hours a day.

It lessens slowly and starts to turn around 23 becomes 20 then 10 hours ... . Yada yada.

I know ya said meds are out.  Do you have a therapist at least?  They might have some suggestions to get thru the hump.  Worrying about the hows when your grief stricken and digging into trauma might not be the best when youre hurting.

What comforting things do you have for yourself?  This helped me out a bit.  Movies, laying on the beach... . real easy stuff.

[Perfidy]

I work a lot. This doesn't help. My work is my life right now. I am in the top 3% bracket. I have a goal financially and I am very close to it. I have plans for later this month to take some time for myself. I'm thinking a month off. Got a rough plan for the west coast So cal then Vegas at the end of the month. I do what I can.

[Perfidy]

Oh yeah... . I like music! No I don't! I love music. Tonight I was sitting out by a pond that had a bunch of baby ducks in it playing my guitar for them. They LOVE pink Floyd!

[Xtrange]

    In the time we spent together everything BPD emerged. I didn't even know what BPD was till recently. The victim /rescuer happened. Caretaking by me. i provided everything. The overstated emotion came out from her. The mirroring... . we had that "connection". The idealization... I loved it. Check! All of the elements were present for a BPD relationship. My codependency. My own core wounds. Lack of respect. Weak boundaries. Devaluation. It reads like a BPD grociery list. We didn't really do the break up make up thing. I tried to get her to leave like a hundred times. She just refused. We should have broken up a lot. I believe her intense fear of abandonment was overwhelming her and she was simply too scared to leave. Yes I could have called the police but I didn't want the added drama. So I rode it out. Besides... . All couples have their ups and downs right? RIGHT! Sheesh!

... . My depression and anxiety are overwhelming at times.  PERFIDY

Perfidy,

I also suffered the same. The ups and downs, trying to be happy and avoiding conflicts.

Knowing is the first part of recovery. Next is seeking help.

[Xtrange]

18 months out I think of my ex constantly.   

I have been cripplingly depressed.   It took me 18 months but I started taking antidepressants and while I still think of her I am starting to start feeling human again

We hurt because we care we are genuine.   Radical acceptance is the way forward. 

Keep posting and be kind to yourself.   It hurts but there is a way through it.

Thinking that I have to take antidepressants rise my anxiety!

I was questioning: Would I stil be me after meds?

[Perfidy]

I won't medicate. As a very last resort I might consider it. I'll be honest. I have considered suicide so what would really be my last resort? The pain is beginning to recede a little. This support forum is a resource for me. I had to read and learn about suicide. Nobody choses to kill them self. It isn't a choice. Suicide happens when you run out of resources to deal with pain. I WANT to live. I am usually the happiest guy I know. I have a lot to live for. My children. My family. My self. I know better and I have known happiness. $=happiness NOT!

[GreenMango]

Oh yeah... . I like music! No I don't! I love music. Tonight I was sitting out by a pond that had a bunch of baby ducks in it playing my guitar for them. They LOVE pink Floyd!

Easy feel good stuff doesnt get enough play time.  I played a lot of Angry Birds.  Not exactly high brow therapeutic stuff but it helped.

Keep finding those things you love again.  I notice most of us here lost sight of these small things in relationships like this.

Do you have support for the depression/suicidal feelings?  A good therapist is worth every penny and they don't all push meds.

It's also good to hear you still have goals.

[Trick1004]

Perf,

Don't ever get sick of yourself. Get sick of the r/s you had with your ex.

I thought I was doing fairly well but had my first meltdown a couple hours ago after almost three months since she left me. I beat the hell out of my bed and collapsed in a heap crying, probably not the best outlet but I'd been holding a lot inside.

I'm tired and worn out but more resolute that I'm going to win this battle of getting over my ex. If we do it right time is in our favor and we will only get stronger. Keep at it!

[babyducks]

Perfidy,

I understand you don't want to try prescription medication.  I would suggest you consider a good vitamin.  Even if you have the best diet in the world with the stress you have been under your body has to be struggling to fuel itself. 

I can also say from personal experience the Omega 3's with EPA helped me a litte with my mood.  Maybe it was the placebo effect.  More likely it was the satisfaction of taking some small positive action to help myself.

What was true for me was that small, infinitesimally small steps eventually added up to progress in me feeling better.  It didn't appear that way at all when I was in the thick of it.

When I was in the middle of it, it felt like a battle.  I suppose in a way it was.   

Keep fighting the good fight Perfidy. 

babyducks

[123Phoebe]

Thinking that I have to take antidepressants rise my anxiety!

I was questioning: Would I stil be me after meds?

I won't medicate. As a very last resort I might consider it. I'll be honest. I have considered suicide so what would really be my last resort? The pain is beginning to recede a little. This support forum is a resource for me. I had to read and learn about suicide. Nobody choses to kill them self. It isn't a choice. Suicide happens when you run out of resources to deal with pain. I WANT to live. I am usually the happiest guy I know. I have a lot to live for. My children. My family. My self. I know better and I have known happiness. $=happiness NOT!

Hi and sorry to hear about the pain you're in

I'm not going to advocate using meds as it's something you don't want to do and I can appreciate that.  I used to feel the same exact way.  I wouldn't even talk to a therapist because I didn't want it on my 'permanent record'.  I had some pretty rigid ideas about my own self care.  I would retraumatize myself (as explained in another thread), thinking I was doing myself justice by being strong and resilient.  I can take it!

I toughed things out for a long time, until one of my dogs died.  It's like I had been holding in so much, keeping it all together, until he died... .   I could not deal, yet I HAD to work and still hold my life together.

I resorted to Xanax, a half a pill a day, for 1 week; given to me by a friend  (my bad).  How it affected me, was it softened the super sharp edges of the extremely hard emotions.  I still felt sad, but not devastatingly so... .   It helped me to process my emotions in a healthier way.  And one week is all it took.  It also helped me sleep, which is something I really needed too, as my mind was running at 100mph.

I don't take it now (and don't recommend acquiring it the way I did).  I can remember how it felt to be in better control of my emotions and practice the same methods I used while taking it... . sleep, eat healthily and do relaxing things.

Oh yeah... . I like music! No I don't! I love music. Tonight I was sitting out by a pond that had a bunch of baby ducks in it playing my guitar for them. They LOVE pink Floyd!

Playing Pink Floyd for the baby ducks is an awesome way to re-center yourself, Perfidy-- nature RULES!

It'll take a little time, you've been through a lot... .   Keep taking good care of you

[Perfidy]

   I thank everyone for taking the time to read my posts and comment. The support has been a relief for me. I am far from consolation. Cried this morning. Not a good way to start the day.

   I know that I am a strong person. I have walked away from relationships that I knew were bad for me and not looked back. All attractive females.

   I feel like I have been conned and taken for a fool. I am far from being a fool. I am a good strong human being.

[Moonie75]

Hey mate crying is GOOD RELEASE.

I've bottled all sorts up for last few weeks & beginning of this week I over flowed!

SB & others here advised not to fight it & let it out, let the grief flow so to speak. So I come to my business premises every morning & give myself an extra half hour before opening the doors. I make a coffee & sit & just think about stuff. I don't plan my thoughts I just let them run wild for a bit. I usually shed some tears & I've come to (in a weird way) quite like that it's coming out. I feel better structured for the coming day with customers & less worried about holding it down in front of them. It's done me a lot of good it really has & when the tears stop coming I will still continue to start my day with a 'time out'.

Ironically my ex used to talk about just sitting for a while & being 'mindful'! It might not have sorted her jumbled head out but it works for me & my grief.

[Jhensohn]

Dear Perdify,

I'm just so sorry. All I can say from what I've learned is that trying to understand people with BPD is in some ways vain and pointless. Their lack of empathy which your ex certainly had is something I've felt from my ex for almost a year. In the beginning I thought she was the most empathetic and considerate person ever, but as we went further and problems started to surface, I realized that she really and truly only cared about herself. Once we were having dinner and I just asked her flat out: can you tell me how you think I feel about all of this? She had no idea, no interest and did not even attempt to answer the question.

I'm starting to realize that actually she does not care about how I feel and it truly does not matter to her. It is scary to realize this about someone you have virtually sacrificed your all for, but it is the truth and the truth will always help in the long run.

You can do this. We are here for you.

Jhensohn

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm not big on medication either but I was not functioning and went to my doctor.  She prescribed Ativan (anti-anxiety).  Have to admit it gets me through the day.  I've tried to not take it and by noon my stomach is in painful knots and I'm looking for somewhere to go cry.  It's not forever (I hope!) but it is helping me function now.  Especially at work.

[danley]

Damn, it breaks my heart to read your post man. Its messed up, she chose to leave when YOU NEEDED HER MOST! yeesh...

This seems to be common on these boards. The same thing happened to me with my ex. He decided to up and leave when my aunt, grandpa, and father passed away consecutively within three months. During this time I was also put on the list for termination of my job due to budget cuts. Previously to all the sudden issues above I had been the person he turned to for support and comfort. But when the crap hit the fan for me, he danced right out the door. It amazed me how he chose to exit when I needed him most. But then again, as I look back, I see that the epi center of our relationship was primarily about HIM and HIS feelings for a while before our relationship ended. How could I expect someone who was drenched in his own issues and pity party to return the favor of being there to support me? How could I think he could be there in MY darkest hour when he could barely make sense of his own life and could barely stand on his own two feet? I THOUGHT he could but obviously I gave him too much credit.

Peridy... . I don't think you're a fool. I think you have a genuine concern for others and that in itself is a quality that more people should possess. Some can balance helping themselves and others at the same time. It takes a whole lot of empathy and grace to do so and there's nothing wrong with that.

A few months before our breakup I dropped lower and lower on my exes priority list and HE remained near the highest slot on mine. Complaceny, under appreciation towards me, and his self centeredness, and focusing on his fear, guilt, and shame were becoming the norm for him. But yet HE remained very close to the TOP of my priority list. And I believe he knew where he stood on MY list and took advantage of this. Somehow his disordered mind made him believe it was OK for him to EXPECT me to have him as top priority but yet treat me as an option. He TRULY believed this. Why? Because HIS problems amd HIS fears, guilt, and shame was his never ending focus in life. He was always so caught up in a "woe is me" mode and "what did I do to deserve these problems?". All the while he neglected or chose to ignore that fact that HE himself was and still IS causing his own demise. He keeps himself prisoner in his madness but yet seeks to place blame on someone else. It's all a crazy dance that only their mind is capable of making sense of even tho normal people KNOW it's disoriented. From fear of intimacy but then having fear of abandonment and then dealing with fear of engulfment. It's a never ending cycle of trauma and pain for all parties involved.

People prioritize things according to what they feel is most important down to what they feel they can do without. When we place someone at the top of our priority list there will be those who truly appreciate their position and those who will use it to their advantage. It seems like you and your ex had opposite positions on each others list. You had her at the top while it seems like she didn't you. It's okay tho. It's all a matter of reshuffling now, Peridy. Put yourself back towards the top of your priority list. That's where you deserve to be!

[Perfidy]

Danley your words are kind and supportive. I am a humble person. I try to balance priorities. At times I make myself priority where I can afford to set myself aside and be compassionate for someone else. I'm sure you know what I mean. Without harming myself. Other times... And I think we must all experience this... I help someone and I regret it. It goes on runs like that with me. Then I really have a hard time being compassionate enough to want to help anyone.

The dude that started the fire that burned my place down was somebody that I helped and supported. If I hadn't helped him my place might not have had to burn.

     My ex is no exception. She wasn't the best for me. I am not the best for her. Understand that I went all the way to hell with her. Sure I was good to her. Was I good for her? No. If I had been more compassionate, been educated enough to understand BPD, not had my own care taking codependant behavior, it may not have ended in disaster. It did last for almost eight years. With better tools and understanding I see no real reason she could not recover. I'm not that guy.