I am getting married- help

[Chunkybeah]

Hi everyone-

Yesterday I celebrated my 36th bday and this is the best gift I could ever give myself. So... . my sister, who is 4 yrs older than me, has every symptom of this, since as long as I can remember. She has cut off our mother, her in-laws, and her sister- in- law to her three children. Her husband has attempted suicide twice, as well as my middle nephew, who is also displaying similar symptoms as my sister.

I am getting married in June, and I Am so scared that she will lash out at my mom. She already told my older nephew that he is not allowed to speak to my mom at the wedding, that she is evil. She has ruined many family events before. I warned her she cannot ruin my day and she swore that she won't. I can't buy it. I am so stressed I don't even want to get married .

Please help

Also. My stepmom is paying for the wedding and sides with my sister often. I worry that if i decide to tell my sister not to come to the wedding, my stepmom will back out

I hope to accomplish feeling happy to get married and to create more boundaries in my life, and get help for me

[ABCD1234]

I have a BPD sister too and she was my matron of honor some 23 years ago. Since then, our family has imploded and we rarely speak. If I were you, I would do a civil ceremony, or very intimate ceremony with just you and your s/o and a requisite witness or two, then have a big reception later where everyone can party and no one has to be on best behavior or anything. Weddings are such high stress and drama even without a BPD in the mix and trust me they are not worth the money and aggravation.  BTW, my first marriage ended after 7 years, the one with the big fancy wedding with 5 bridal attendants and dresses and tuxes and limo and flowers and photographer etc, etc... .   Marriage #2 is going on 13 years and we just went to Vegas. A big wedding doesn't equate to a good marriage and if you are already stressing out about it, do yourself a favor and take control of what you can by keeping it simple and denying those that would ruin it the opportunity. Just my 2 cents.

[Scout99]

Hi chunkybeah!



Glad to have you joining us!

And congratulations both to you birthday and your upcoming wedding!

I can tell there seems to be a lot of stress going on in you about the situation with your sister in regards to your wedding. And I am sorry you are feeling that way, already now almost a year? ahead of time.

I wish there would be something I could say or do to take some of that stress of your shoulders. But there really is not much you can do to be able to control what your sister will choose to do or not... . But there is still a lot you can do for yourself to relief some if not all of the stress that is consuming you right now!

Learning a bit more about the disorder and also learning more about how to best communicate with a family member having BPD might also greatly improve the prospect of a successful outcome on your wedding day. .

Here is an article that might be of help to get you started:

Staff Article - Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

One of the most important things to understand in improving a relationship with a pw BPD is that you may not be able to make them change - however in changing some of the ways you deal with it and work on your communication with them, can change things a lot to the better. which you can see if you read up a bit on what other members here have accomplished in their relationships with either significant others or family members suffering from this disorder.

I think you will find a lot of inspiration and hope in engaging and posting on the staying board here for people who want to improve their relationships with their BPD's in their lives. You will find that board here:

Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner


I think it is important to understand that there usually is no malicious intent behind the actions of a pw BPD, instead they mostly react in accordance with feelings of fear, and fear of pain and abandonment in particular.

Also, you have time. The wedding is not tomorrow, so if you could try and perhaps give the worrying part of this issue a bit of rest and instead try to focus on the joyful parts of your wedding plans and take some time to learn from our boards and the lessons and information about improving a r/s with your sister, it will help you relief some of all that stress that right now is creating a lot of worry in you.

Also let us know how we best can support you at this time?

What is it that you worry most is going to happen on your wedding?

What would need to change for you to be able to feel more at ease or less worried about your sisters presence at your upcoming wedding?

Remember, we are here for you and we want to help!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Chunkybeah]

Thanks guys! Such amazing advice I am worried most about the rage at my wedding and causing a scene. I like the advice I was given to just do a small wedding, but this is my fiances second time around and he really wants this lavish affair. In good news- he and other family members said they have no problem asking her to leave. I just don't want it to go there, especially for her children's sake

[GaGrl]

Over the years, several brides on this forum have said they arranged for someone to be a "watcher/keeper" in case a PD relative got out of hand.  At the extreme, a discrete plainclothes security guard was hired to be on-site to remove anyone making a scene.  It's a shame that this has to happen, but if that's what it takes to have peace on a special day, well... . that's what it takes.

My mother's stepmother got angry with me at my wedding because she wasn't getting the attention/respect she felt she was entitled to... . I referred to her as my stepgrandmother instead of my grandmother... . and she made my grandfather drive home 600 miles as soon as the wedding was over, no socializing after.  That was actually rather a minor scene for her.

[Chunkybeah]

What great advice you all have! I also introduced my oldest nephew to my mom, who my sister has been cutting out of her children's lives, for the first time in his 14 yrs. it was very emotional and risky, as my sister doesn't know, but I really needed my nephew to know that he is so loved, a d that when he is a legal adult, he may choose to speak to any family member he chooses.