Just figured out my mom has BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

I am a married (almost 20 years- happily) adoptive mom to a special needs child (diagnosed with bipolar disorder, reactive attachment disorder, and fetal alcohol spectrum disorder).  I am also the oldest child of 6 children born to a mom with borderline personality disorder.  I am almost 40 years old, and I am just amazed that it has taken me this long to figure things out.  For the longest time I knew my mom was crazy. I just couldn't put my finger on what it was, but I knew she was mentally ill.

The clarifying moments of discovery happened over these past two weeks.  The first week, we were visiting my folks.  My mom kept berating my dad and at one point changed her mind six times about where she wanted him to take us for lunch; each time getting angrier at him when he asked for clarification.  Nothing he did was right, even though he was making every effort to comply with her latest demand.  She attempted to stir up drama between sibling #3 and me by telling me things sibling #3 had supposedly said, looking for me to get upset about it (I didn't allow it to upset me).  The whole week was exhausting and anxiety filled, with me dreading the upcoming week.

This last week, we went on a family vacation with my parents and my two youngest siblings and their families.  Mom wasted no time in starting drama with my youngest sister and her husband, and then put me in the middle of it so I could "smooth things over". Mom also insisted on being a martyr when it came time to solving a problem by insisting on a solution that caused the most time and effort, rather than discussing options with the other adults and coming up with a reasonable solution.  I tried several times to bring up alternative solutions that would allow for everyone to have a more peaceful time, but she yelled at me that 'the discussion is closed'.  Even my husband, who has golden boy status, couldn't get her to see reason.  I knew at the time that mom would be calling me after the trip to tell me what an imposition her decision had been for her because of the sacrifice she made (even though there were simpler options available).  The level of her anger/frustration was to a degree that I have never seen before.

One of the in-laws suggested to me that he believed my mom had BPD, but I didn't have enough of an understanding to see if the diagnosis fit.  However, after doing some research and looking at all the behavior my mom had while I was growing up, and her most recent behavior, BPD fits.  After this discovery, I remembered how my mom's mother was, and I believe that she also had BPD. 

In a way, I was so happy to finally have put the pieces together, but I also have a lot of mixed feelings. There are so many behaviors I have from the way I was brought up, and it hinders my ability to be the type of loving and caring mom that my daughter so desperately needs, which is frustrating.  It is also frustrating to know that my mom will not go to therapy (we've fought that battle before and it just isn't going to happen).  The best thing I can hope for is that she will talk to her doctor and get medication (although that is also highly unlikely).  I know I can't change her, but I definitely am going to be putting boundaries in place to protect myself and my family.

I am hoping that participating in this forum will help me to get support. I look forward to getting to know those who are here and hope that I can support others too.

[Bella Storm]

Hi everyone,

I am a married (almost 20 years- happily) adoptive mom to a special needs child (diagnosed with bipolar disorder, reactive attachment disorder, and fetal alcohol spectrum disorder).  I am also the oldest child of 6 children born to a mom with borderline personality disorder.  I am almost 40 years old, and I am just amazed that it has taken me this long to figure things out.  For the longest time I knew my mom was crazy. I just couldn't put my finger on what it was, but I knew she was mentally ill.

The clarifying moments of discovery happened over these past two weeks.  The first week, we were visiting my folks.  My mom kept berating my dad and at one point changed her mind six times about where she wanted him to take us for lunch; each time getting angrier at him when he asked for clarification.  Nothing he did was right, even though he was making every effort to comply with her latest demand.  She attempted to stir up drama between sibling #3 and me by telling me things sibling #3 had supposedly said, looking for me to get upset about it (I didn't allow it to upset me).  The whole week was exhausting and anxiety filled, with me dreading the upcoming week.

This last week, we went on a family vacation with my parents and my two youngest siblings and their families.  Mom wasted no time in starting drama with my youngest sister and her husband, and then put me in the middle of it so I could "smooth things over". Mom also insisted on being a martyr when it came time to solving a problem by insisting on a solution that caused the most time and effort, rather than discussing options with the other adults and coming up with a reasonable solution.  I tried several times to bring up alternative solutions that would allow for everyone to have a more peaceful time, but she yelled at me that 'the discussion is closed'.  Even my husband, who has golden boy status, couldn't get her to see reason.  I knew at the time that mom would be calling me after the trip to tell me what an imposition her decision had been for her because of the sacrifice she made (even though there were simpler options available).  The level of her anger/frustration was to a degree that I have never seen before.

One of the in-laws suggested to me that he believed my mom had BPD, but I didn't have enough of an understanding to see if the diagnosis fit.  However, after doing some research and looking at all the behavior my mom had while I was growing up, and her most recent behavior, BPD fits.  After this discovery, I remembered how my mom's mother was, and I believe that she also had BPD. 

In a way, I was so happy to finally have put the pieces together, but I also have a lot of mixed feelings. There are so many behaviors I have from the way I was brought up, and it hinders my ability to be the type of loving and caring mom that my daughter so desperately needs, which is frustrating.  It is also frustrating to know that my mom will not go to therapy (we've fought that battle before and it just isn't going to happen).  The best thing I can hope for is that she will talk to her doctor and get medication (although that is also highly unlikely).  I know I can't change her, but I definitely am going to be putting boundaries in place to protect myself and my family.

I am hoping that participating in this forum will help me to get support. I look forward to getting to know those who are here and hope that I can support others too.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Bella Storm and 

It sounds like you are in the right place, and you will find the support you are looking for, along with empathy and understanding and insights and advice! I'm so glad you found us... .

We have a lot of members here who are in the same situation as you are, and we have lots of information to help people with BPD Moms:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

Radical Acceptance for family members

You should find the above links helpful, and there are many more where they came from! Please keep telling your story, asking questions, and reading all over this site... . We are here for you... .

P.S. This is for you, because you asked for it: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence 

[Bella Storm]

Thank you Rapt Reader.

I appreciate the links and the support.

It helps a lot.

Have a good evening.

Bella Storm