Hang on so he can get therapy, or does that just give more false hope?

[momtara]

I am into a divorce that came about because of stbxh's behavior.  He never cheated or had addictions.  But did some other pretty bad things that abused my trust, and was very controlling with the children.  He'd get angry and not let me take them to the park, birthday parties, etc.  Things would get exaggerated in his mind and he'd get hostile and manipulative.

The bottom line is this:  He is finally getting therapy and admitting to his behaviors, but he still slips back into them.  What pushed me toward divorce last year was when he got angry and tried to make a false claim that I abused our twins.  We have been separated since.

He wants to come home to us so badly.  He doesn't want to give up a family.  And part of me doesn't want to let go of the dream of spending the rest of my life with my husband, and having a normal family.  It's not great for kids to be without their dad either.  

MY TWO CHOICES:

A)  Put the divorce on hold, push him to dbt therapy weekly, and see if it really makes a difference, and perhaps take the chance one day of letting him come home.  We'd be in couples therapy too, I imagine.  This means our family gets to stay a family, even though it will always be a struggle to keep his angry and manipulation from returning.  I will probably always feel worried, but since he knows he's on a tight leash, he MAY do what it takes to get better.  Esp. if there's weekly therapy.

The risk in this is that if he goes to therapy for a year, he may get somewhat better but still have too many control issues and i still may decide I can't live with him.  Then he will be more resentful and lash out at us, because he did everything I asked and I still won't be with him.  That would make things much worse than if I just end it now.

B)  Just finish the divorce, detatch, and know the dream of a happy family is gone.  I may still hope that he goes and gets the right help anyway and in a few years is able to come back to us.  But I know he won't get enough therapy to really change if he is divorced.  And if he was gone for 3-4 years and came back, there would be resentment over time lost.  The kids will be older, etc.  This possibility of him returning someday seems like a really unlikely fantasy that maybe I should stop thinking about. 

Like most people with BPD, he has extreme emotions, so I have to really think about anything I say or do.

With divorce, he has a lot less incentive to get the right help.  THe kids are better off if he keeps getting therapy.  I have taken the divorce slow so that at least he gets more help, and I want to think through what I am doing.  But he is still having setbacks that upset me.  I know it will take years for him to get better.  There's no drug to fix this.

Which direction would you go?  I think once the divorce is final, I have to pretty much act like it's final - can't keep saying "Well, keep getting counseling and maybe one day you can come back" because he will ask every month if he can come back, and that just causes new fights for us and upsets the kids.  

Just setting boundaries and leaving may be the healthiest thing, but I fear that in 10 years I'll look back and wonder if I could have done some other thing to make it work.  I don't know if there are real world examples of people beating this thing, and maybe there are.  Maybe I am just not a therapist and I can't do enough to solve this problem.  But I don't want to have regrets and be sad - and giving up a family is hard.  I guess I'm just not strong enough to simply walk away.

[ogopogodude]

You are in quite a dilemma ... . (exactly the same situation I was in). I chose to just file for divorce and that was that. What you are really doing here is playing a game of poker. You r playing a hand.

     I did not want to play any games in my situation. I knew my marriage was over ... . therapy or no therapy.  The bargaining power that you have isn't much of a playing hand, in my humble opinion.  The promise of going into therapy is him just playing with ya... . Anger and temper issues will remain forever in your relationship (if there isn't any formulated plan of a scheduled counselling). You are stronger than you think. Make a decision: to stay with a person in a marriage that will be tumultuous or move on and salvage what you can out of your life for a 'normal' life. 

[KateCat]

As Ogopogo has noted, you have a really tough dilemma.  :'(

Do you have the sense that your recent ordeal has made you stronger and more determined to make and enforce boundaries . . . or do you fear that it has weakened you in ways that will make a return to the previous difficult situation inevitable?

I'm wondering because I think that if your husband returns now, his position will in some senses be strengthened by recent events. He will have learned exactly which boundary not to cross (false allegations against you) but will return with his illness intact and now an inevitable resentment with which he will struggle for the foreseeable future.

So, if you drop the divorce and he moves home, what will you do in the future if he tries, say, to control your movements to punish you or engages you in angry conversations in order to reassert control?

I believe it is important to "trust the illness."  It's not going to go away. You probably really are "playing a game of poker," in Ogopogo's words, and you likely won't again hold the strong hand you have now. If he returns, all the strength will have to come from your enforcement of clear boundaries.  

It's a tragic situation, as it sounds as though your husband has many good qualities apart from his disorder. You are going to continue to need all your strength, whichever choice you make. And you will probably have to radically accept the fact that regrets and second-thoughts are going to accompany you for a while.

Your kids have a smart, thoughtful and brave momtara. That makes me pretty happy for them, despite it all.  

[momtara]

Thanks.  You are both sweet.

He DOES have good qualities - when he is not extremely stressed about things (work, illness, kid stuff), he is ok for a while and even delightful.  But that other side is scary - he lies and twists things so much.  I have to document everything to keep my sanity and protect myself. 

"It's a tragic situation, as it sounds as though your husband has many good qualities apart from his disorder."

Yes,  and I wish that person could prevail.

 

He MAY consent to an orderly system of therapy and eventually continue it when he comes back.  He seems ready to do whatever he can.  But I do think the control issues and stuff like that will always be there.  Even without a disorder, marriage can be hard for some people. 

Once he's back, it will be hard to leave again if things get bad.  Right now he's out of the house.

Anyone else who has thoughts, I'd be happy to hear 'em.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Momtara

Sounds like you're not entirely sure of either decision-- divorce or hope for the best, which is completely understandable considering the history.

I'm thinking that being away from his family with all the daily triggers, plus the reality of divorce looming has given him a different perspective... . from that side of the fence.

Once he's back in without working through his triggers in therapy, the same things will most likely happen again.

That's not to say there's no hope for your marriage!  

Have you thought about a Therapeutic Separation?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141686.0

I hope you find the path that feels right for you very soon

[momtara]

Yeah, a few people have recommended therapeutic separation.  I appreciate creative ideas like that.  But I think his issues are a bit more complex.  I wish they weren't.  With kids involved, it's also more complex.

The verbal abuse, I could probably deal with.  Lying about stuff related to the kids was what caused the big problem.  So, I dunno. 

I am a romantic at heart, and that may be part of the problem.  Most women would have left long ago.

But I also know the realities and it's a rotten world out there - hard to really find true love or just a lasting partner.  Sometimes a BPD marriage seems better than nothing! 

But there's also the issue that even if we got back together, we may just be apart again 2 years from now, with more damage to be done to the kids since they'll be older.  In fact, I think there's a big percent chance we'd just be getting separated again in a few years.  I could always say "Well at least we tried."  But not sure it'd be worth it, if it upset the kids more... .

[A Dad]

Hi Momtara,

I am in a somewhat same situation as you are. After my wife's infidelity, I feel that my marriage as I knew it is over. Now wondering whether to stay together in some kind of a relationship for the sake of the children, or move on now. Our situation is complicated by the fact that my older child has special needs.

One advice I can offer is to make time and space for your own passions and ambitions. The last few years of my life had been dedicated to the future of my family and my children. But now with my eyes opened, I have started to make time for myself - I am going to gym, picking up the hobbies and passions that I had left because I was too busy with work and family. So whether my marriage lasts 2 years or 20, if and when it ends, I won't be left with nothing. I will still have things to do, friends around me. This change has really given me the strength to be patient and let the whole thing unfold over time.