Saw exH with new wife

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Saw ex-uBPDH this afternoon with his new wife. 

Wasn't planned so it was a slight shock. It was weird seeing our children get out of the car she was driving.  He smiled a little and waved and without thinking I waved back (later I thought of a few other gestures I should have considered  ).  His new wife did not glance my way and drove off straight away.  I've no issue with her.  I'm grateful to her for keeping him away from me.

But I was in a bit of a state initially.  It's only 9 months since we were last a couple and he's already been married over two months.   I think that a lot of the time I feel that he's dead.  So when I see him 'in the flesh' again, it reminds me that he was able to just leave me and be with someone else instantly. 

It brought up all those times he told me something along the lines of "you're not what I hoped for".  So now there is someone he did hope for?  He seems so much more settled and happy when I do have any interaction with him (thought it's infrequent).  He's much nicer to me when we're apart. I tried to examine the feelings and I realised that parlty I was anxious that others, including our children, would see that he's happy with her and think that it was me that made him unhappy.

I know most of our friends and family who have been aware of the recycles etc are taken aback by his quick marriage and wonder what will happen in future but he seems to have been able to leave a 30-year relationship without much difficulty and find a new wife right away.  They worked together so did know each other for a few years but still... .

On the plus side, the anxiety/fear/not good enough feelings dissipated relatively quickly.  They were intense for only a short while and I notice this these days.  Before, an event like this could throw me for several days or longer.  I'm much more able to (a) feel the feelings without beating myself up too much that he still gets to me and (b) move the focus back to me more quickly.

But I'm disappointed yet again that I am not further on than I am.  25+ years of marriage (a lot of it good until last decade); eight years of him leaving then wanting to reconcile (and me allowing this); emotional and verbal abuse.  Why does it bother me that a relationship with someone else is so good for him?  All that should bother me is that he did not treat me well - repeatedly - and therefore his being with someone else is the best thing possible for me.  He can be so loving and a lot of fun - maybe I'm annoyed that she's getting that side of him whereas I got it only for short periods followed by him withdrawing/silent treatment/criticising etc.

I'm so so tired of this. I don't want him back as a partner or even a friend.  I just want him not to affect me and he still can and I am frustrated with myself and ashamed that I didn't get myself out of this mess a long time ago.  I've been reading a few articles about recovering from abuse (having only recently admitted to myself that our relationship has been abusive).  They are helpful but just about every one of them talks about the reader having had courage to leave the abuser and I didn't.

[clairedair]

Saw ex-uBPDH this afternoon with his new wife. 

Wasn't planned so it was a slight shock. It was weird seeing our children get out of the car she was driving.  He smiled a little and waved and without thinking I waved back (later I thought of a few other gestures I should have considered  ).  His new wife did not glance my way and drove off straight away.  I've no issue with her.  I'm grateful to her for keeping him away from me.

But I was in a bit of a state initially.  It's only 9 months since we were last a couple and he's already been married over two months.   I think that a lot of the time I feel that he's dead.  So when I see him 'in the flesh' again, it reminds me that he was able to just leave me and be with someone else instantly. 

It brought up all those times he told me something along the lines of "you're not what I hoped for".  So now there is someone he did hope for?  He seems so much more settled and happy when I do have any interaction with him (thought it's infrequent).  He's much nicer to me when we're apart. I tried to examine the feelings and I realised that parlty I was anxious that others, including our children, would see that he's happy with her and think that it was me that made him unhappy.

I know most of our friends and family who have been aware of the recycles etc are taken aback by his quick marriage and wonder what will happen in future but he seems to have been able to leave a 30-year relationship without much difficulty and find a new wife right away.  They worked together so did know each other for a few years but still... .

On the plus side, the anxiety/fear/not good enough feelings dissipated relatively quickly.  They were intense for only a short while and I notice this these days.  Before, an event like this could throw me for several days or longer.  I'm much more able to (a) feel the feelings without beating myself up too much that he still gets to me and (b) move the focus back to me more quickly.

But I'm disappointed yet again that I am not further on than I am.  25+ years of marriage (a lot of it good until last decade); eight years of him leaving then wanting to reconcile (and me allowing this); emotional and verbal abuse.  Why does it bother me that a relationship with someone else is so good for him?  All that should bother me is that he did not treat me well - repeatedly - and therefore his being with someone else is the best thing possible for me.  He can be so loving and a lot of fun - maybe I'm annoyed that she's getting that side of him whereas I got it only for short periods followed by him withdrawing/silent treatment/criticising etc.

I'm so so tired of this. I don't want him back as a partner or even a friend.  I just want him not to affect me and he still can and I am frustrated with myself and ashamed that I didn't get myself out of this mess a long time ago.  I've been reading a few articles about recovering from abuse (having only recently admitted to myself that our relationship has been abusive).  They are helpful but just about every one of them talks about the reader having had courage to leave the abuser and I didn't.

[Octoberfest]

Hey claire-

thanks for your post in my thread

I know that the pain and angst I have right now, and I can't imagine yours after 25 years of marriage.  I am so sorry.

I'm so so tired of this. I don't want him back as a partner or even a friend.  I just want him not to affect me and he still can and I am frustrated with myself and ashamed that I didn't get myself out of this mess a long time ago.  I've been reading a few articles about recovering from abuse (having only recently admitted to myself that our relationship has been abusive).  They are helpful but just about every one of them talks about the reader having had courage to leave the abuser and I didn't.

I identify with this so much.  Ultimately it was me who finally said enough after catching her cheating again, but I feel the exact same way.  I think that reading some of those articles might be good for me right now... .   I need to get it through my thick skull that my life is about ME, not her... . and I need to believe what ALL of the facts are telling me, that she is disordered and the sick one, not me... .

If only believing those things was as easy as typing them 

[clairedair]

If only believing those things was as easy as typing them 

too true!  It's easy for me to read your post and want to tell you that it's not about your worth; that you did your best but there was no way the outcome was going to be different; that you have to focus on yourself etc. But I still find it hard to believe these things when it comes to my own situation.  I always manage to get really angry on other people's behalf but have struggled to do that for myself until recently.

We were married a long time but it's obvious from this board that even a relatively short relationship with pwBPD can result in a lot of pain and confusion - sometimes for periods longer than the relationship itself.

I've never been physically abused - I can't imagine what that's like.  I think though that I have tended to minimise the digs, silent treatment, rages, snide remarks, name-calling, repeated leaving/returning.  I tended to pride myself on 'being strong', having compassion for him and coping with this when the reality was that it was eating away at me like a corrosive acid stripping me of my relatively good self-esteem.

From your posts, you sound like an intelligent, mature and eloquent young man. Sometimes I think that's part of our problem.  We want to analyse everything.  We need answers and explanations.  If you do well at university, you are probably used to researching issues and coming up with solutions.  In these relationships, it's so difficult to find anything that makes sense.

I googled "recovering from emotional abuse" and found several helpful articles.

The phrase I am hanging on to from one of the articles is "be patient with yourself".  Hope you can do this for yourself too.

take care

Claire

[Clearmind]

Claire, patience is important. In reality we also need to work on ourselves - thats where we detach. Lots of concentrating on him and not a lot on what you are doing for yourself.

Reading, therapy?

[clairedair]

Hi Clearmind

I feel that a lot of my patience was directed towards being patient with him/the relationship and it's yet another thing that I need to re-direct to self.  Hard habit to break after 30 years of knowing each other.

I started to see a therapist recently as I realised that I was not getting past the anger stage during this (permanent) separation. Unfortunately, I have moved and can't see her just now but I will try to sort out someone new asap.  I've tried to read and last night I picked up a book I first looked at some years ago but this time I was reading it and thinking about me and my issues rather than thinking "oh yeah - that's him and he needs to work on that". 

I also realised today that I am probably so 'stuck' just now because part of me still seems expect him to behave a certain way (i.e. the way I want him to).  So who's the controlling one?

I want him to change so I don't have to?

Lots of questions to reflect on... .

[Clearmind]

  very honest with yourself - good for you!

Oh I also placed expectations on my ex to be a certain way - completely forgetting its a pattern that he himself could not break - 35 years old and I knew all too well of his history.

You can heal you and it was a long marriage Clair - lots to process. So be kind to you.

[clairedair]

Thanks Clearmind.  It's amazing how we can rationalise our own behaviour in these relationships.  I would wonder why the exgf kept reconciling with exH when he had treated her so badly.  Why couldn't she see that he was just using her?  Of course, I now see that far from it being different when it came to me, in the end he was just using me too. 

I'm finding the healing process more difficult because we share children.  Not just because that means continued contact but also because I see their distress and they sometimes tell me how they are feeling about his behaviour.  It stirs up anger again in me and I also feel shame at times because I reconciled with their dad so many times and just perpetuated the drama. 

I'll take a look at the parenting board - have not been on there much.