My father just dumped all my childhood stuff at my grandmothers

[frankief]

So I just need to vent a bit.

A little background: I've been NC with my uBPD father for over 3.5 years. He generally only tries to contact me around the holidays and my birthday. His attempts have really decreased this year to just a card on special occasions.

Anyway, I got a call from my grandmother (my dad's mom) who I have a good relationship with, telling me that my father had dumped 25 boxes of "my stuff" at her house. He was fired from his job (this has happened with every single job he's ever had) and is moving so that's the excuse as to why he can't keep my stuff anymore. But here's the kicker, I have no clue what any of this stuff is!

When my parents divorced almost a decade ago, I gave the stuff I wanted to keep (childhood mementos and such) to my my mother. Everything else I told my parents to toss or donate (they were selling my childhood home and I was living out of the country). My father kept a bunch of stuff and when I returned to the US he kept bugging me to go through my things he was "saving" for me. I kept telling him that I didn't want any of it. But he kept insisting so I went through some of it (to be honest I couldn't get to or see most of the boxes because he's such a pack rat and keeps so much crap in general and his storage unit was bursting with stuff) and the boxes literally contained broken old toys and parts of games and general garbage. So again, I told him to get rid of the stuff, which he just could not believe that I didn't want to keep all this crap from my childhood. That was 7 years ago!

Shoot forward to a couple of weeks ago when he dumps these 25 (?) boxes of stuff on my grandmother knowing that I live on the other side of the country and can't do anything about it at the moment. I had no clue that he had so many boxes that are apparently mine, so I do feel the need to go through them just to verify there isn't something valuable in any of it and I'm curious as to what he was saving. My father did take some things that belonged to my mother that he refused to give back to her, so I want to make sure there aren't any surprise "gifts" in these boxes. My mother said she's go through the stuff for me which is very helpful. I can't help but feel like he did this to get a reaction out of me and is sort of telling me he's done with me.  

This is definitely not even close to the worst of his behavior and it's almost funny because it's so ridiculous. I mean, what is all this stuff that's supposedly mine? And why did he keep it all this time? The thing that pisses me off is that there is one small piece of furniture that I have asked him for about 100 times that he said I could have but always came up with an excuse for why I couldn't take it when I was still in contact with him. This latest manoeuvre of his is just so weird. I'm not even really upset, just confused what he could have possibly been holding on "for me" much less enough stuff that would fill 25 boxes! And why he didn't bother to tell me that he had 25 boxes of stuff that he could no longer keep! He has all my contact info, I just don't respond to him. But it would seem he could have at least let me know before dumping it all on my grandmother.

Oh and this all happened about a week after his birthday which I did not acknowledge because I am NC.

Sorry this was so rambling; I just can't believe how weird he is sometimes.

[GeekyGirl]

This might have been your dad's way of moving on with his life, or it may just be because he's moving to a new place. I'd be curious about what he saved and why he's chosen to give back your things now after over several years too. Has he ever tried to talk to you about this stuff since you went NC?

It sounds like you have a plan, if your mother is going to go through the boxes.  If there any things in particular that you think you might want (like the piece of furniture), it might be worth giving your mother a list before she starts sorting.

[frankief]

He has not mentioned the stuff once to me since I went no contact - so that's over 3.5 years. In the past when I was talking to him and he mentioned the stuff I would tell him to donate it or toss it. I definitely think he's held on to it as a deluded way of maintaining contact with me. But he also made it sound like he only had a couple of boxes of old toys. But there's actually 25 boxes? It seems impossible for him to actually have 25 boxes worth of my stuff because what could it possible be?

And I get that he's moving and getting rid of the storage locker but he's held onto this stuff for over 8 years! Without me wanting him to do so and telling him that. In the past when he's dumped stuff on me (this is before I went NC) there would always be weird things in the stuff. Like once he dumped a bunch of "family pictures" on me that he thought I would want. Well guess what there were a lot of pictures of? One of his mistresses! I didn't know who this lady was so I asked my mother and she went white as a sheet and told me (they were divorced at this point). But it was a total ploy to be a jerk to my mom.

I think he's making a point of showing ME that he has moved on with his life. Which I am OK with him doing that. It hurts a little bit because he is my father and knowing he is OK to never talk to me again (his attempts at contact only occur on the holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday) just proves that he doesn't really care much about me.

I feel like I'll have more clarity on how I feel about all of this once my mom goes through the boxes for me. As for the piece of furniture: I'm never going to get that. He knows I want it so he won't give it to me. That's how he operates. I realize that this isn't horrible behavior - it's just totally out of the blue so I feel like there is an alterior motive. Like if he just wanted me to have the stuff, why not send me an email stating that he was going to give it to my grandmother? From what my grnadmother said, he suddenly needed to get rid of it and had to stick it somewhere.

[GeekyGirl]

I think he's making a point of showing ME that he has moved on with his life. Which I am OK with him doing that. It hurts a little bit because he is my father and knowing he is OK to never talk to me again (his attempts at contact only occur on the holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday) just proves that he doesn't really care much about me.

It might be a message to you, and it might only be because of the move. He might be working through some issues of his own, as it might be very painful for him to be NC with you, even if he does have BPD. Do you want him to try to contact you more often than Thanksgiving, Christmas and your birthday?

[arbutus]

Wow I have a similar experience and it brings a lot of strange feelings.

My mother uBPD remarried and dumped everything relating to my sister and me at her mothers. She has nothing from us and does not even have photos of us as children.

It feels invalidating and just something is very odd. I often wonder what she actually thinks we are. It is like she has this weird fabrication of our origin in her mind. Like we exist as sort of her children but have no relation to her past.

I know beyond a doubt that she is very shamed about her past and is trying to destroy it. She puts on an elaborate cover for all that shame and has a lot of fear of it being exposed.

My sister and I are going to copy all of the photos etc at our grandmothers because we know the time is coming soon where it will all be destroyed to continue to deal with the shame. We all will not be surprised if the time comes that mom will cut us out as well.

Your father might also be going through something along the same lines.

My mom also kept some tokens or souvenirs from other parts of her life but she wrote us an email recently saying she destroyed a bunch of it.

[Clearmind]

I can't help but feel like he did this to get a reaction out of me and is sort of telling me he's done with me.   

frankief, you sound sad? Possibly hurt?

How does these latest events make you feel on an emotional level?

This is definitely not even close to the worst of his behavior and it's almost funny because it's so ridiculous. I mean, what is all this stuff that's supposedly mine? And why did he keep it all this time? The thing that pisses me off is that there is one small piece of furniture that I have asked him for about 100 times that he said I could have but always came up with an excuse for why I couldn't take it when I was still in contact with him. This latest manoeuvre of his is just so weird. I'm not even really upset, just confused what he could have possibly been holding on "for me" much less enough stuff that would fill 25 boxes! And why he didn't bother to tell me that he had 25 boxes of stuff that he could no longer keep! He has all my contact info, I just don't respond to him. But it would seem he could have at least let me know before dumping it all on my grandmother.

It’s possible he has done the only thing he can do, given you are NC. Is it reasonable to believe that his motives are not to confuse but to allow you the space to throw out what you don’t want rather than him doing it.

[XL]

You might want to read up on hoarding too. My (likely BPD) mom is also a hoarder and has gone through episodes of wanting me to come sort through my stuff, to demanding I not take anything, to manically freaking out and trying to throw out everything.

They hold onto objects because they remind them of people, without the complicated interactions that people need to have in the present. Example: my mom yelled that a box of old toys were "all I have left of you" while I was currently 3 feet from her, and she didn't want to deal with (present adult me) vs. (her memory of cute child me). It requires its own therapy.

[frankief]

So I thought I would post an update on my situation. I've been thinking about it a lot lately because my SO and I have been helping his parents move and have had to go through a lot of old things. Anyway, I was home for a day back in June because I had a wedding to go to. I went through about 8 boxes that my brother had brought to my mother's. Some of the stuff, as I suspected, wasn't even mine. Some of it was junky old toys of mine, and some of it was stuff he stole out of my mother's house which he was not supposed to have!

When my parents were going through their divorce my mother moved into her parents' old house. My mom had mentioned to me (I was living abroad at this point) that she felt like someone had been inside the house and she thought it was my dad. Things just seemed "off" to her. I thought she was likely being paranoid due to all the stress. She had the locks changed to make herself feel safer. Turns out she was right. Some of the stuff my dad dumped at my grandmothers was stuff that I packed up in my my mom's "new" house and left in a closet there. I moved out of the country soon after and when I returned a year later my mother could not find some of these boxes for me. I thought she just misplaced them (she has a storage unit) and was frustrated with her for not keeping track of my stuff. Now, nearly 8 years later, I learn that she hadn't misplaced my stuff but my dad stole it from her! She thinks he must have made a copy of her keys before they moved out of my childhood home. It's creepy and yet, not surprising. I still have a lot left to go through and none of the stuff was packed well - everything was just sort of thrown and jumbled into boxes with no clear indication of what was what - so somethings are damaged beyond repair. It makes me mad but I'm trying to let it go and move forward. Also, going through my stuff I think he let his wife's grandkids play with my stuff because some of my old dolls were dressed in clothes I wouldn't have put them in and things were so jumbled when I know I had packed things carefully. And this makes me mad, too, because it's a violation of my space and boundaries.

The other evening I was out with my SO and the subject of my dad came up (I forget how exactly, but it was related to something we were discussing) and I went from zero to sixty in about 10 seconds. My blood was just boiling and I was so angry. My SO pointed this out to me so I took some deep breaths and calmed down. It's frustrating that despite no contact he can still get me so riled up. I think some of my anger is due to this dumping of my stuff and some of it is due to his apparent lack of willing to admit there is a problem between us. He sent me a hallmark birthday card with no personal message but he did sign his name, his wife's name (who was his mistress and who I have expressly stated that I want absolutely nothing to do with ever) and his new pet's name (who I have never met because I have been no contact for 4 years). His weird behavior while unsurprising still unnerves me and makes me angry and I really want to get to place where I feel indifferent to it. I had felt like I was getting there and then going through the boxes just pissed me off.

I realize this is a rambling message. I haven't been frequenting this board because I went to therapy for several months and that was helping a lot and got me to a much better head space. I just needed to get some of my thoughts out because they have been nagging at me lately.