Dreading planning my baby's bday...

[Sitara]

My 2nd child's 1st birthday is coming up in a couple weeks and I should be excited, planning what cake I want to make for him and what we want to get him as a birthday gift, and instead I've been avoiding even thinking about it because I don't want to think about what I'm going to do about my uBPD mother.

Some background to the whole situation, my husband and I had not heard from my family for over 6 months for who knows what I did this time to deserve the silent treatment.  At that time I did not realize my mother was uBPD and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't just call and see how we were, or why she didn't want to see either of her grandsons.  We were just going to let the silence go on as long as it took for them to call because what I really wanted (needed) was for them to reach out and care, since historically it was always me breaking first and come crawling back.  However, my husband had a great job opportunity out of state that we decided to move for and felt we should tell them in person we were moving.  So I called up their house, where my mom was currently refusing to speak to me on the phone, and had to practically beg my dad to come over to talk (which she resented me for in not having a choice in coming or not).  As you can probably imagine, the talk, which I was also hoping to use as a last chance to mend our relationship, was a giant, disastrous argument, and we were only moving to get away from our families, along with some of the most ridiculous and hurtful things she's ever said to my face (or maybe I was just finally catching on to how distorted her reality is).  The crusher was my ever-silent dad directly backing her up for the first time in my life - someone I'd deluded myself into thinking his silence meant he disagreed with her but didn't want to get caught in the middle.

I didn't discover BPD until after that point.  If I had I would have approached things soo much differently.  But now things are weird when we do see each other.  She doesn't ask about me, my husband, or the baby, but only is interested in my pre-school aged son whom she used to regularly baby-sit for.  So my dilemma is, do I invite them or not?  I still haven't figured out what kind of relationship I ultimately want and am new to this so I haven't developed the techniques for dealing with her yet.  But I don't know which is worse, dealing with the wrath of not inviting them to their grandson's 1st birthday despite them not having interest in him, or dealing with the drama of having them there?  Any advice?

[jdtm]

Hmm... .   the baby will be one year old.  Children this age do not enjoy parties nor do they remember them.  I guess my question is - why even have a party?  Why not just a "birthday supper" with your husband, his brother and yourself?  If grandparents wish to drop over after the supper hour with a gift, then serve them a piece of birthday cake.  After all, babies go to bed early.

[Levi78]

Boy have I been in this situation! With grandkids in the mix, the anxiety over BPD granny increases. I am absolutely protective of my kids and don't want them to witness any of the stupid, confusing drama I endured as a child... .

Here's what I've found though: As much as I agonize about an upcoming visit, the visit is never as bad as my fears. Especially at kid-centric get-togethers, my uBPD mom is on her best behavior and easily distracted by my kids. I usually have my husband act as master of ceremonies -- this adds to the "formal" nature of the situation and she usually behaves accordingly.

I say invite her. It's more fuel to her crazy fire if you don't invite her. Then try to put her presence out of your mind. I like to pretend my mother is a mentally ill homeless lady that I've been assigned to be nice to -- no joke, I actually do this! And if there are any issues at the party, have your husband handle them. Outsiders always have more sway with these freaks.

Just my two cents. 

[Irejectthedrama]

Sitara,

I recently had a baby, had a huge falling out with my parents, saw who they both really were and then moved across the country. I haven't had any dealings with them since. So I can appreciate the situation you are in. If I can add my two cents, having gone NC at this point (and still dealing with the feelings surrounding that) I can say for certain that I can... . breathe. For the first time, my life is mine. I see how they manipulated me with the silent treatment and because of my baby I got selfish. AND IT's BEEN GREAT. Pushing back against my folks caused a dialogue at the very least. It didn't go the way I planned (I was hoping to reach an accord but they just wanted me to fold and back off)

but at least I voiced my wants/needs/hurts etc. They chose not to respond very well. So perhaps you should be selfish, save the memory you are making for yourself, celebrate your baby and your family. Perhaps after giving you the silent treatment mom will ask (or rage) why she wasn't invited---maybe then a conversation can begin. Then the cards are on the table. In the meantime I would definitely read SURVIVING A BORDERLINE PARENT. It helped me. : )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR BABY!  

[ForeverDad]

Do what you feel is best for your family.  By family, I mean YOUR family, your husband and children, not your parents or others who have proven over time they are either unsupportive or oppositional.  You can't appease people who can never be satisfied without you sacrificing yourself or your precious ones.

Sadly, they're often expert manipulators and guilters.  They've had years to practice and hone their skills.  Since you can never fix such ones, leave them be and live your own lives.  Be healthy, be sane, be happy, live calm lives, okay?

[Sitara]

I have to start by saying, it's so nice be surrounded by so many supportive, understanding people!  It's a refreshing change.  I have to admit, I had thought about not having a party, but realized I was only thinking that because I wanted to avoid the whole situation.  I do want to see my kid covered in cake, and there are some people we want to share the day with.

I'm leaning more towards not inviting them.  I've been thinking really hard as to why I would want to invite and why I don't, and I could really only come up with wanting to invite them out of some sense of obligation.  Either way she will find some way to accuse me of something, whether it be she feels hurt because she didn't get invited or, like at the last birthday party she was invited to, because we were "replacing her" with my husband's parents because we also invited them.  I have picked up a couple books and maybe I'll change my mind after reading them and figuring out better how to communicate effectively with her.

Ireject, your situation sounds exactly like what we're going through right now. Levi, you are right though, it isn't ever as bad as I'm expecting, and I have started to realize that too.  Thanks all of you for all your thoughts!

[ForeverDad]

I'm leaning more towards not inviting them.  I've been thinking really hard as to why I would want to invite and why I don't, and I could really only come up with wanting to invite them out of some sense of obligation.

Often mentioned here as weapons we typically face... . F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

Either way she will find some way to accuse me of something, whether it be she feels hurt because she didn't get invited or, like at the last birthday party she was invited to, because we were "replacing her" with my husband's parents because we also invited them.

Face it, you will be blamed and guilted no matter what you do.  Accepting that reality, do what allows you to feel comfortable as a parent and as a wife.  Frankly, considering all that negativity coming from your FOO (family of origin) it appears a healthy and positive daughter relationship is an increasingly faint possibility, you may need to just Let Go of that.  Two out of three isn't optimal but it may be your lot in life.

I have picked up a couple books and maybe I'll change my mind after reading them and figuring out better how to communicate effectively with her.

Be aware that no matter how well you improve your communication skills, they can still turn what you do or say around on you.  It's not like you're misunderstood, this is at least one person, perhaps supported with enabler(s), actively trying to overwhelm any boundaries you manage to set.  Communication skills can't necessarily change someone determined to control, guilt and squash.

[Sitara]

FD, you seem very knowledgeable and make some very good points.

Face it, you will be blamed and guilted no matter what you do.

I realize this on an intellectual level.  I'm working on also getting there on an emotional level.  Why is it so hard to let go of something you never really had?

Be aware that no matter how well you improve your communication skills, they can still turn what you do or say around on you.

I believe it.  I used "I feel," and the statement was brushed aside because that's just what I was feeling, so it wasn't valid.

This is still pretty new, so I am going to struggle a little bit as I find my way.

[ScarletOlive]

Sitara, it is tough to not invite our parents early on. I know how that goes. But this is your child's big day! Have fun with it! Like ForeverDad said, as you plan this party, make sure that this is for your family, not out of obligation for others. You aren't obliged to invite anyone you aren't comfortable inviting. If your parents are upset, you can tell them that you just wanted to keep it small.

A great article that touches on the ability to say no and taking care of yourself is this one: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence I highly recommend it. Let us know how the party goes and have a great time!

[Sitara]

I was feeling strong until a few days ago when my mom called and left a voicemail.  It was just fluff like, "Oh, just calling to see how you're doing."  However every time she has ever called me, without fail, has been because she wants something from me.  I know she was really calling because she was wondering why she hasn't heard from me about the party.  The very next day she called my husband's grandmother (the only relative I have a close relationship with) asking her if she knew when the party was and trying to get information out of her.  Fortunately, I recently had a talk with his grandma about all the things that were going on, that I wasn't inviting my mom, and that my mom would probably try to put her in the middle (which she's done before, along with trying to destroy my relationship with her).  I get the feeling my mom was also saying some not so nice things, as all his grandma would say is that my mom said "some other things," and that their cousins miss the boys so much!  First thing I thought when she said that is that if that's how my niece and nephew feel, then my sister can talk to me about it... .

But ever since that phone call I feel like such a mess.  I thought I had been pulling it together and dealing pretty well until that one little phone call rattled everything loose.  I just feel so anxious all the time, waiting for a phone call that may or may not happen.  I know that the worst she can really do to me at this point is yell and guilt and try and make me feel bad, and I know that I shouldn't feel those things because nothing she thinks about me is true, yet I just can't make myself stop feeling like I am all those things she says about me.  How do you just let go?

[ForeverDad]

I was just reminded of a thought others have posted that really has impact and perspective... .

Don't let the disordered/problem person rent a room in your head.

[Sitara]

Don't let the disordered/problem person rent a room in your head.

I would love to just be able to wake up one morning and be able to just let it go.  But, to stick with your analogy, she didn't just rent out space, she custom built me from the ground up and shaped me to fulfill her every want and need.  I have to evict her, but she's squatting despite my having given notice and I'm in the process of forcefully removing her.

It's like I'm mourning the death of my family while being haunted by ghosts that just won't leave me alone.  I'm having to deal with knowing I never had the family I thought I had or wanted.  I was in my 20's before I had the first person in my life that loved me unconditionally.  Realizing that the people I thought loved me, didn't, has been very difficult.  I'm having to reject my entire upbringing.  When you've grown up in an alternate reality, what examples do you draw from in order to help form healthy, happy children?  I want to move on, and as much as I would like it to come easy and just be a clean cut, it's not going to happen as quickly as I would like.

[StarStruck]

Hi Sitara,

I have found it upsetting to read your last post. Makes me really cross for you.

It's bad enough that you have had this wack around the head realisation, let only that the buggers won't leave you alone.

With these types of personalities you end up feeling that you are being constantly up for abuse and worse still it feels like it's you that's indirectly, entertaining it. Which makes you cross with yourself. 'You want and need to help yourself'... . is what you may be asking yourself.

I have to say I love that line... . don't let the disordered person rent a room in your head. Yes doing this is hard but what a great reminder.

Dig deep you can do this.

HOW DARE THEY TAKE ANYMORE FROM YOU. YOU DIDN'T DERSERVE IT THEN AND YOU DON'T AND WILL NEVER DERSERVE IT.

You would never forgive yourself if you look back and realise what YOU gave up for them. This is your chance... .

RUN LIKE THE WIND... .

I had a calender from the WWF with a gorgeous white baby seal on the front cover with the Title: ... . BORN to BE FREE... . this is you!

You sound like a strong person to me and that you are ready to take this to the next level.

Stand up to these bullies. You will have a wonderful life, you will gain confidence and fill your life with great opportunities, you won't even look back.

I'm at a similar stage to you, I have 'managed' the situation but not stood up properly yet... . using the communication techniques on this website.

Let them know you are the strong person you are, it will shock them. Act tired of their wast of life attitude to things.

You had a crappy start but god you've got a whole load more years to live than that, let them be filled with the life you REALLY want. Time to give yourself a break. Don't be frightened and don't feel guilty.

Good Luck, you can do this, I know that because I'm in the process of doing it myself!... . I came to the realisation of this about 4 yrs ago. It's gets better and better.

Have you consider seeking face to face help too, with a professional? In regards to reasurring you and giving you the skills/confidence for your children - I mention that because you wrote... "what examples do you draw from in order to help form healthy, happy children" in your post.

Be BRAVE. Be Fierce. Give yourself and YOUR family LOVE.

[donniesgrrl]

I was feeling strong until a few days ago when my mom called and left a voicemail.  It was just fluff like, "Oh, just calling to see how you're doing."  However every time she has ever called me, without fail, has been because she wants something from me.  I know she was really calling because she was wondering why she hasn't heard from me about the party.  The very next day she called my husband's grandmother (the only relative I have a close relationship with) asking her if she knew when the party was and trying to get information out of her.  Fortunately, I recently had a talk with his grandma about all the things that were going on, that I wasn't inviting my mom, and that my mom would probably try to put her in the middle (which she's done before, along with trying to destroy my relationship with her).  I get the feeling my mom was also saying some not so nice things, as all his grandma would say is that my mom said "some other things," and that their cousins miss the boys so much!  First thing I thought when she said that is that if that's how my niece and nephew feel, then my sister can talk to me about it... .

But ever since that phone call I feel like such a mess.  I thought I had been pulling it together and dealing pretty well until that one little phone call rattled everything loose.  I just feel so anxious all the time, waiting for a phone call that may or may not happen.  I know that the worst she can really do to me at this point is yell and guilt and try and make me feel bad, and I know that I shouldn't feel those things because nothing she thinks about me is true, yet I just can't make myself stop feeling like I am all those things she says about me.  How do you just let go?

First of all Virtual Hugs to you, MY god I feel like I wrote this post myself.  My UBPD Mom and I have not spoken really other than text message since February (her choice, and to be honest I am ok with it).  It took me a long long time to just let it roll off of my shoulders.  I still get extremely anxious when I know she is going to be present, but I do a lot of self talk now, and basically tell myself "you are surrounded by many other loving and caring people, you are the master of your own universe, you control your feelings and by letting yourself get anxious, you are letting her gain control". 

Being NC was tough at first, it was hard to re learn my way of life so to speak, but one day I looked around at everything I gained by not having her drama or her influence constantly present and I just started sobbing big happy tears.  I finally could BREATHE, I no longer was worried that "oh no haven't heard from mom in a while god knows what is going to be on the other end when I finally do, did I do something wrong that I am unaware of, maybe I should call her because if I don't she will for sure have some imagined crime ready to attack me with"  I no longer feel responsible for her feelings, or feel the responsibility to take care of her emotionally.  I have realized so much of my life revolved around making her happy that I sacrificed my own happiness.  While it is really refreshing and freeing, it is terrifying, I don't know if it will take time still but I still have that little voice in my head that tells me not to do things that Mom won't like, like getting my tattoo, I was in full on panic mode untill I said to myself, I am a 31 year old woman, who cares if she doesn't like it, that's her problem, she is a 60 year old woman and her feelings are her feelings as well as her problem to deal with.

I can tell you that it has taken me a good 6 months to feel some sort of comfort level being an adult with free will.  She molded me to be her minion so to speak, to do and say as she pleased to manage her outbursts and be her whipping boy when things didn't go her way.  She was always really good at pitting me and my Step sisters against each other, and in most ways she still tries.  But to be honest I could give 2 sh!ts, the people who want to be a part of my life will be despite her best efforts to turn them against me, and the people who don't won't be and if that is the case then we don't need them anyway.

I tell you all of this so that you know that one day you will wake up and it will all feel right, the guilt will still be there, but less noticeable, the mourning will still be present but less with each day, the pain of the past will be distant memories you can lock away and return to if you choose or decide to keep in the vault forever.  your life will change, you will no longer feel stuck and you will no longer feel the Chains of the BPD wrapped around you.  It Does get better I PROMISE.  It hurts like hell at first and it is OK to feel that, let it heal you, let it roll over you, but only some times, do not let it take over you because then they have won.  I used to let myself have my sad moments when I was alone, so that it didn't take away from the good quality time I was spending with my Kids, I still find myself having them from time to time but they are much much less.  I no longer feel like I am drowning in fear and guilt over what she may or may not do. 

It is a process but it is worth it, it is so worth taking your life back, and claiming what is rightfully yours.  The right to be an adult and have your own wants and needs and to not feel guilty for it.  To say no this has nothing to do with you, and know that it is OK to say that.

I feel for you, I really do, and I know how long and arduous this process can be and how debilitating it can be as well.  Please don't give up and know that the community here is a wonderful one full of lots of support and wonderful people.

[Sitara]

Missful & Donniesgrrl, thank you for your touching replies.  They both made me tear up (and that's a good thing).  I know that it will all be worth it in the end.  I know that this will only help me to make my relationship with my husband and kids better.  But only being a little over a month into this, emotions are still really raw. And I'm so thankful that there are so many understanding people here.  You've all already helped me so much.

Have you consider seeking face to face help too, with a professional?

This is going to happen.  But, with us moving soon, I wanted to wait until that happened so I could find someone that I could have time to work with to get to the bottom of my issues.

My UBPD Mom and I have not spoken really other than text message since February (her choice, and to be honest I am ok with it).

My mom loves to do this one to me.  I'm not sure if it's punishment, of if she really just enjoyed me always being the one contacting her.  It used to bother me a lot, but this last time I was ready to let go, so it almost felt like a vacation not having to deal with her at all.  There's a really good chance that on the other side of this birthday, it's going to be a very, very long time before she contacts me.  And honestly, I'm looking forward to making my new life and having time to really figure out who I am.

[donniesgrrl]

My UBPD Mom and I have not spoken really other than text message since February (her choice, and to be honest I am ok with it).

My mom loves to do this one to me.  I'm not sure if it's punishment, of if she really just enjoyed me always being the one contacting her.  It used to bother me a lot, but this last time I was ready to let go, so it almost felt like a vacation not having to deal with her at all.  There's a really good chance that on the other side of this birthday, it's going to be a very, very long time before she contacts me.  And honestly, I'm looking forward to making my new life and having time to really figure out who I am.

It is a vacation, I can tell you the first few weeks I felt manic almost because I felt so much freedom, I felt like a kid who went off to college the first time, although much much different from my experience when I actually went.  It was amazing, the pain did set in but going to therapy prepared me for that to happen so I knew ho w to deal with it once it came through.

I do strongly recommend a Therapist, If for nothing than to have a neutral ear to listen, it really helped me to have someone on the outside who would call me out if I was being nuts, it really helped to validate everything I was feeling.  My H has been amazingly supportive but it is good to have an outside source too. 

Good Luck to you and please know we are ALL here for you whenever you need us to be   

[Sitara]

As an update, baby's birthday is over, and here's how things worked out.

My mom waited until the day before baby's birthday to call and see if we were doing anything (a week after she harassed other family members to get details from them).  I'm not sure if I handled the situation the way I should have.  I could tell she was really worked up underneath her polite words and it felt that if I said the wrong thing, she would have exploded.  So when she asked "What are you doing for baby's birthday," I didn't exactly lie, but I wasn't flat out truthful either.  His party wasn't planned on his birthday, so I just talked about what I was doing on his actual birthday, avoiding what she really was trying to ask.  I felt a little uneasy avoiding the issue, but I felt that if I said, "Oh we're having a party, but we're not inviting you," would have caused a nuclear bomb to go off on the other end of the phone. 

I'm also trying to work on not making her decisions for her, so when she asked, "When can we come over to drop off his present?" I responded with, "When works for you?"

She says, "What days do you have open?"

"We're busy through Tuesday, but anytime after that."

(We cycled through those a few more times before moving on.)

"Well I can come either Tuesday or Thursday."

"Since I'm busy Tuesday I guess we'll have to do Thursday."

"What time should I come over since I don't know anything about the boy's schedule, like what time do they get ready for bed?" (She does know, but she can never seem to remember.)

"We start getting ready for bed at 7:30."

"So what does that mean? Should I come over at 7:30? 8?"

"You should probably come over before they're getting ready for bed."

It's like she's trying to make me decide for her and it was so frustrating.  I don't understand why she kept picking things that I just said wouldn't work.  Was she trying to force me to ultimately make the decision? Or was she trying to get me to say it was okay to do something I just said wasn't okay?

When she came over, it was incredibly awkward.  She didn't really hold conversation.  I didn't bite when she brought up the current drama in her life.  There were a lot of really long silences.  And it really made me realize, I don't really have a relationship with these people.  I have more meaningful conversations with my coworkers.  We just found out the official date we'll be moving out of state, and when we told them, no response.  It wouldn't surprise me if we don't see them again before we leave.  And it kind of hurts that they can't bring themselves to care that much.  But in a way it's helpful because it's really making me realize that it's over, and it probably never was there in the first place.

Anyway, thanks so much for listening and sharing.  Holidays have always been especially difficult and traumatic, and I'm definitely doing better now than I was before finding these forums.

[Clearmind]

I'm also trying to work on not making her decisions for her, so when she asked, "When can we come over to drop off his present?" I responded with, "When works for you?"

She says, "What days do you have open?"

"We're busy through Tuesday, but anytime after that."

(We cycled through those a few more times before moving on.)

"Well I can come either Tuesday or Thursday."

"Since I'm busy Tuesday I guess we'll have to do Thursday."

"What time should I come over since I don't know anything about the boy's schedule, like what time do they get ready for bed?" (She does know, but she can never seem to remember.)

"We start getting ready for bed at 7:30."

"So what does that mean? Should I come over at 7:30? 8?"

"You should probably come over before they're getting ready for bed."

I would be more direct – Sitara I am not sure this is about making decisions for her when its your schedule she needs to work with. When it suits you not her.

Mom: "When can we come over to drop off his present?"

Sitara: “Wednesday or Thursday between … would suit us this week otherwise it would need to wait til the week after”.

hit__


I understand what you mean about feeling like you decide everything for her. I guess this is not one of those situations.

Example of when not to decide for her: “Sitara, do you think I should speak with cousin X about how she treated Y?” or “Sitara, do you think I should send an email to B about this?” or “Sitara, what do you think I should do”?.

I didn't bite when she brought up the current drama in her life.  

Good time to set a boundary.

hit__

The other element sometimes we need to deal with when we don't invite them is our guilt... . how are you processing that (if you do feel some guilt)?

Hope you are doing OK

[Sitara]

Thanks for the advice!  I see you're right about the scheduling now.  It's just hard because in the past she's made me pick a date/time for something, then whatever I pick doesn't work for her or isn't what she had in mind.  Often when she asks questions, makes me pick, when she already had something she wanted in mind, so we go with what she wanted anyway.

The other element sometimes we need to deal with when we don't invite them is our guilt... . how are you processing that (if you do feel some guilt)?

I'm doing ok right now.  Her actions lately have been making it a bit easier to let go.  It's now more just sadness that I don't have the family I want than feeling guilty.  I do realize that I can't control the situation, and it just makes me sad they don't care.  But overall I'm doing much better than I have been in quite some time.  Thanks.

[ForeverDad]

It is what it is.  It's not your fault.  Don't feel guilted.  Over time you will become more proficient at placing a protective emotional shield between you so her harsh barbs and slick tactics don't have so much impact.

[Sitara]

Cleo, I was expecting something along the lines you described in your post.  She'd force me to decide what day, then complain about how it's really inconvenient but she'll do it anyway.  She complains about everything and finds a way to bring negativity to even the happiest of subjects.  I'm just done with all the negativity.

It is what it is.  It's not your fault.  Don't feel guilted.  Over time you will become more proficient at placing a protective emotional shield between you so her harsh barbs and slick tactics don't have so much impact.

I'm already doing much better than I had been.  I'm not having panic attacks anymore, and I used to dread a visit for days before getting together with her, but this time it was really only on my mind for the 20 min before she showed up.  Realizing I can't do anything to change her and she's probably never going to reach the point where she really wants to try has made it much easier to let go and move on.

[Clearmind]

Sitara, guilt for a child of a Borderline is very common and not as easy as "get over it". We really need to begin to heal from our past and our childhood conditioning and begin to throw out all those contradictions that we no longer want to hold onto as adults. Its a process.

When you feel guilt, dig down to see where it came from - and acknowledge it but also try to process it and not take it on as your own.

It's just hard because in the past she's made me pick a date/time for something, then whatever I pick doesn't work for her or isn't what she had in mind.  Often when she asks questions, makes me pick, when she already had something she wanted in mind, so we go with what she wanted anyway.

Yep and it ups to you Sitara to say "No, I gave you the times." - you are an adult with adult privileges - you get to choose.

[Finallyblooming]

Hi Sitara,

I hope the party went well and you the kiddos had a great time. Happy Birthday to your little one. That's such a fun age, they grow way too fast.

[freyja]

I can totally relate. My baby will be turning one in the next few months and I have a feeling my mother will be putting out the "we should come for her birthday" statements soon. Smack dab in the holiday season.

As far as advice:

For my and my uBPDm it seems that she can't handle not being center of attention (I think she also has some Hystrionic DO issues). So, at my child's birthday there is a 70/30 chance she will do something or say something to make it all about HER and not my kid.

I found that I was a much bigger pushover with my family before my child was born, but since then have been much more firm in my boundaries. I am going to do what is best for my child and I don't care if it hurts anyone's feelings. In fact, my therapist has had me doing a lot of boundary work around my parents and visitations with their grandchild and so far it's been working okay. Lots of pouting on my mother's part, but I'm making that be HER issue not mine.

I think the best thing is to envision the party with your mother at her worst behavior and then compare that to not having her there. Then decide what you want and rehearse with your hubby what to say to put the boundary in place. For example, we let my parents come and visit, but we no longer let them stay at our house. They have to get a hotel. My mother was VERY upset when I first told them this and tried to make me feel bad and selfish and unloving. I stuck to my guns. She finally relented and decided that she wanted to see her grandchild enough to stay in a hotel.

For me, the thing that really helped (thank you to my therapist) was realizing that my job as a parent is NOT to ensure that my parents have access to their grandchild. If they want a relationship with her then that is a privilege that they have to earn and they have to agree to my terms. My job as a parent is to protect my child and part of that is healthy boundaries.

Hope that wasn't too rambly... . hope you have a good baby bday and that you are able to do what is best for YOU.