How to explain BP distance to outsiders

[clairejen]

Hi

I recently sent my boyfriend a letter asking to re-evaluate the relationship---will he make more time for us in his busy schedule. He did not respond, but had said in past he does want a relationship yet is very busy  and overscheduled.

  We didn't speak for weeks, then he texted me with how have u been doing?  I realize in "mormal" relationships this would sound like a break-up when he didn't reply to my letter. And it would sound minimal for the partner to text how have you been doing? Yet in the BP world, the distance is often part of the push-pull, not an actual break-up. ANd a text seeking out contact, even a minimal question, sounds like "rapprochement" or a recycle.

   SO I feel uncomfortable and insecure telling friends about this. They are not familiar with BP and say harsh things like "It's over" or "If he was interested he would have called you".  Yet for the 3 years I've been with him, I have seen that this is the BPD at work. ANy ideas?

Claire

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[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi clairejen!

I'm a little confused, so just to be sure:

What makes you uncomfortable is telling your friends that after him not being in contact for weeks and then sending you a short text, you are now back together. Is that right?

And then you would like to know more how to explain BPD to friends?

BPD is a complex disorder and it's not easy to explain in a few catchy sentences. You could for example point them towards articles/videos here like

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

or

Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective

In my experience, when you tell someone about your partner and BPD, it's a good thing to focus on ways that you manage the relationship and make sure that it's not just venting your frustration or pain. In this instance, you could for example touch upon the push-pull dynamic and the fear of intimacy that goes with the disorder. And what you do to manage it.

Your friends love you. If they see you in pain, they will hurt for you and be angry with your partner. Let them now that you understand the mechanics behind the disorder and that have the tools to deal with it.

I see that your new (welcome!).

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons and read about the tools?

Have you had a chance to practise them yet?

[clairejen]

Hi

I'm a little confused, so just to be sure:

What makes you uncomfortable is telling your friends that after him not being in contact for weeks and then sending you a short text, you are now back together. Is that right?

And then you would like to know more how to explain BPD to friends?

----We never actually broke up. Over the 3 years we have had many times when we didn't see or call each other for long gaps. He says it is due to his work and busy family schedule. This is true, yet I feel it is more due to the BPD push-pull.

  What I feel uncomfortable about is that in a  "normal" (non BP) relationship,  going for so long without speaking might equal a break-up. So the friends might say to me "Can't you see that it's over? If he were interested in you he would call you".  Yet that doesn't apply since he is a BP with a fear of intimacy.

  Then when he does initiate a recycle with a short "how are you" text, in the context of a normal relationship, how are you wouldn't mean that much... . yet with my history with him and his BP, it is a recycle, as I have learned.  

  I am not looking to "educate" them about BPD as much as be able to talk to them about how the relationship is going... . yet they look at it thru the "lens" of a non-BP relationship, where 4 months of no contact might mean an actual break-up... .

  So basically they minimize the positive and maximize the negative.

  It's similar to someone not understanding depression, and hearing about a depressed person withdrawing from their spouse, and declaring "He doesn't love you, can't you see that is why he is withdrawing?" without realizing it is the mental illness.

  So I tend to feel insecure and frustrated talking to "outsiders" about all this!

  Yes I have read the lessons and have practiced validation which helps!

Claire

[123Phoebe]

Are you okay with 4 months of no contact? 

[MammaMia]

Clairjen

Why do you feel you need to explain your relationship with your BPDbf to your friends?  If you do feel so inclined, tell them he is just busy.  No big deal.  He will call when he gets caught up at work.  Until then, he needs some space.

If you understand and trust him, that is all that really matters, isn't it?

[clairejen]

Hi

No Phoebe I am not feeling comfortable about the 4 month gap. I feel frustrated about it.

  Mammamia, you are right. I ought to just focus on the fact that I understand him. I feel anxious and get defensive when "outsider" friends who don't know about BP judge the relationship. And it is hard to explain some of the distance and negatives that come up. I need to focus less on others' opinions of the relationship

Claire

[123Phoebe]

Clairjen, what leads you to believe he has BPD?

I can imagine your frustration about not seeing each other for 4 months.  It seems like an excessive amount of time, personality disorder or not.

What would need to happen for you to feel less frustrated?  Is it realistic given the current state of your relationship?  Is it progressively moving forward?

It is your choice to hang in there and wait... .


 

[clairejen]

Phoebe, in answer to your questions----

====He is diagnosed with BPD, having just about all the symptoms except suicidal behavior

====Yes I am feeling frustrated. I finally talked to him this week. I'll start another thread on this----basically he said he assumed by my asking for a re-evaluation of the relationship, that he felt criticized, sensed that I felt angry, and then assumed that I was leaving him, so he withdrew (all BPD stuff----I never said I was leaving him).

====What would need to happen to feel better? Seeing him more regularly would help. This may not be realistic considering his childcare and other responsibilities.  It feels like it is moving forward at times, yet there are these gaps in contact that I feel angry about.

Clairejen