Just had a good talking to off my friend

[Moonie75]

It's been 6 seeks now since I left my uBPDex after suspecting her of lining up a new guy. I was proved right within days & it turned out to be a neighbor  .

I've been NC ever since & by now she will be in no doubt that I'm NOT chasing her.

My best friend just stopped by & said he'd called because he wanted to talk to me about what he sees coming & he's worried about it!

He basically told me that he & his partner both think my NC is more likely to pull her back towards me & be counter effective. His partner told him when a woman's done & you chase her, you chase her further away as your desperation is unattractive. If anything, chasing her closer to the new guy! Both friend & partner worry the NC will convey that I'm not bothered & look stronger than when we've split in the past.

They both conclude that this will bring out the onset of her wanting what she can't have (like so many in romantic dynamics).

He basically just told me that them being neighbors will take the relationship along quicker than usual because they'll see more of each other right from the beginning. He said that the whole thing will evolve quicker & so the honeymoon will end quicker too. (I'm not sure I agree to be honest).

My friends are concerned that my NC imposed by me for the first time in a break up, coupled with her inevitable relationship breakdown happening quicker due to neighbor dynamic, will bring her straight back into my world with utter desperation to reunite.

I don't want that & I'm working really hard on myself to recover from this relationship. I don't want to be (as my mate says) "accidentally creating a situation that makes her want me back more than ever later down the line". he thinks I should go LC, seem needy & act a little more towards a way she won't find attractive at all. He said to just play the roll out while knowing different & she'll likely stay away for as long as she 'thinks' I'm on the hook. Then I can detach with peace & quiet knowing she thinks I'm still available.

basic view was NC makes me look stronger & doesn't feed her ego. Couple that with likely premature relationship failure of her & neighbor. All looks to him like she'll be back sooner rather than later when I'm genuinely stronger! I DON'T WANT THAT!

I'd like some feedback please as I see credence in what he says & it's concerning me since he's left. Can't stop thinking about it.

[Perfidy]

Moonie... Only time will tell. Fretting about it won't change anything. To pretend that anyone can predict the outcome is just plain delusion. There are many possibilities. Whatever happens will just have to be dealt with when it happens. If you truly don't want her back then you need the strength to tell her to go to hell. Be nice if you can but if you can't that's ok too. At this point I don't think nice is warranted.

[Reg]

Hi Moonie,

Of course it is your decision, but personally I do not believe in this way of behaving towards her.  If it would be a non I would say yes, but in this case I fear that you will only hurt yourself.

Feeling needed is what a borderline likes as well, just like you and me, but for different reasons. 

You might just give her hope that if it doesn't work out with the next guy (and it won't) she can come back to you.  And you said it yourself, you don't want that.

As we do know borderlines love to recycle, we've all experienced that part over and over again.  So in my eyes it's like putting the cat next to the milk... .   Temptation !

Their instability goes way beyond what we know.  Just an example, my ex wrote me a mail two weeks ago that she never wanted to have to do anything with me again in her life and last Thursday she was passing slowly my house with her car, while I was closing the garage door.  For a moment I thought I was halucinating  but looked at the licence plate and had confirmation. In other words she travelled 55 miles to see if she could get a glimpse of me !  It changes from one moment on the other... .

Personally I wouldn't take the risk of getting hurt again... .

Just my two cents on the matter mate.

Reg

[Moonie75]

Thanks for the input. I must admit that I'm getting more comfortable with NC as each day passes. I'm reconnecting with people & hobbies from before she was on the scene & enjoying that.

I did understand my friend & his partners logic, and maybe would have said the same as an onlooker to another couple splitting up. That said, I know I'm dealing with someone very different from a normal person so maybe just go with my gut insinct.

Since my mate left I have concluded he's probably right about their relationship cycling & failing quicker than usual. Engulfment, not being able to sneak around so easy, he'll get pi$$ed with her constant surveillance of his front door etc etc etc. I agree that's all going to implode sooner rather than later.

But if I'm off the scene she'll be able to select some other chump that's orbiting her when that time comes & may still not effect me (there's always hope eh folks?).

I also agree with you folks that there's no 2nd guessing a BPD & I'll just have to weather what the weather  brings in!

She always wanted me to rejoin the music scene & get playing drums with bands again, like when we first met. (That had come to an end when gigging & balancing her insecurities about it became impossible). I've recently got the drummer gig with a very good local band & it's getting me out & meeting people again. But that said, I've found myself trying to keep that low profile for fear of doing anything that might make her turn her affections back to me, I just don't want her on my plate in any capacity these days.

I feel a little bit like I'm reconnecting with who I was & who she fell in love with, but don't want her to know because I don't want her falling for me again... It's a kind of twisted juggling act & feels really odd, & hard to explain.

[Learning_curve74]

What your friend suggests sounds like it arises out of mind reading and trying to predict the future. A lot depends on predicting your BPDex's reaction correctly. Maybe it would be a better idea to focus solely on what directly helps yourself.

Be honest with yourself. If you don't want or need her, or you need NC to keep healing, maybe now is not the best time to be playing games of chance? 

[Hazelrah]

She always wanted me to rejoin the music scene & get playing drums with bands again, like when we first met. (That had come to an end when gigging & balancing her insecurities about it became impossible). I've recently got the drummer gig with a very good local band & it's getting me out & meeting people again. But that said, I've found myself trying to keep that low profile for fear of doing anything that might make her turn her affections back to me, I just don't want her on my plate in any capacity these days.

I feel a little bit like I'm reconnecting with who I was & who she fell in love with, but don't want her to know because I don't want her falling for me again... It's a kind of twisted juggling act & feels really odd, & hard to explain.

Hey Moonie--funny, I'm in an entirely similar situation.  I was in a critically successful band when I met my BPDw.  Circumstances put the band on hold for a couple years, and she always wanted me to get something else going musically... . things simply never materialized.  Now that she's gone, circumstances have brought the old band together again and we are starting to work our way back to old form.

Does being a musician make YOU happy?  I'd gather it does, mate, so don't be apprehensive about doing something you love for fear it might prompt some sort of behavior from your ex.  I'd bet my separated W will be extremely curious to see us, but I am doing this all for myself. 

Take advantage of such golden timing!  Doing what we love is a huge step towards getting our heads back on straight.

[Moonie75]

Be honest with yourself. If you don't want or need her, or you need NC to keep healing, maybe now is not the best time to be playing games of chance?  

We've split up 4 or 5 times in the past, longest break up was two & a half months. I've never gone NC in any previous break up & very much was the needy heart broken fool on those occasions.

This total NC is a first for me this time & I can honestly say I've discovered more about me again than in any of those previous break ups! I've still had the 'fog', all the ruminating, the crying & loneliness etc. But I've managed myself better with NC. I've held it together better. When i have had those 'melt down' moments I've been alone & gritted my teeth & got through it in private or with the help of this forum.

Most importantly HAVE NOT contacted her & I HAVEN'T SHOWN HER WHAT A MESS I AM in those low moments!

I've retained my dignity & self respect.

If she comes back I'll face it then. If she doesn't, then I got off the 'fishing hook' AND slipped through the 'keep net' back to freedom!  

[Moonie75]

Hazelrah,

Yes I do love it. Live music, collecting vintage vinyl, and mostly physically playing drums on stage is a deep deep passion of mine. She quashed it to a great extent (or the relationship did). She'd be horrified to hear that but it's the truth of the matter!

When I pulled one of the kits out & dusted it off before heading out to first practise, I was nervous beyond belief. Almost panicking that I might not like it anymore. But soon as I sat down behind a band & got going I could almost feel the lifeblood coming back to me with each beat!

It was truly magical & NO RELATIONSHIP is going to take that away again!

Good luck with the band Hazelrah.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Moonie,

     I think we all need to be genuine -- it's one of the most important ways we're different from them.  We have a true sense of self and pretending to be something you aren't is as manipulative and inappropriate as what 'they' do; avoid being that way at all costs, IMHO.

     To reinforce a bit how strongly I feel about this, I recently contacted my pwBPD even though I knew for certain (and this was proven a few hours later) she would interpret my contact as interest in a r/s again.  I had what I felt was a moral obligation to discuss something with her and I agonized for a month about it as I have been doing so well in detaching and letting her know, gently, that I have detached.  In the end, I decided that even though it would (and did) set my 'work'  back with her 4 months at least, I had to be true to myself in terms of my moral code and speak with her.  Be true to yourself also, Moonie.  If she cycles this loser quickly she'll just move on to the next one (already lined up probably, if not actually in the bed yet) more quickly.  You can't change what she does, you can only lose your own identity.

LT

[Zack]

Moonie mate

Are you sure you don't want that? Your ex coming back into your life?

I may be wrong, and if I am I apologise, but the underlying thread of your post suggest there may be some hope on your part of her recycling, to re-connect.

Put your fence up up mate.

Zack

[asher2]

Hi Moonie -

In reading your post, I'd like to remind you what NC is for. It is for you and to give yourself time and the opportunity to heal. NC has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. After all the hurt, pain and anguish that comes from the result of those with BPD, NC is all about giving yourself space to get better and get back on your feet.

My point in bringing this up is that it shouldn't matter what she thinks as a result of you going NC. If you are truly set on not being in contact with her anymore, who cares what she thinks? I can tell you from a lot of wasted time on my own, trying to analyze the "why" someone with BPD acts the way they do will lead you nowhere. I'm a believer the best thing you can do is have a plan for yourself if she does try to get in contact with you. How will you respond then? Otherwise, it's been my experience that trying to speculate how she might be thinking or is feeling is a total waste of time. Their thinking is distorted.

NC is about you. It ain't about her.

[clairedair]

Thanks for the input. I must admit that I'm getting more comfortable with NC as each day passes. I'm reconnecting with people & hobbies from before she was on the scene & enjoying that.

I think this answers your question about whether or not to stay NC.  NC seems to be allowing you space to 'reconnect' and enjoy life more.  This is one of the things that will help you gain enough strength to deal with any reconciliation attempt should it come your way (and should you want to say 'no'.

[Moonie75]

Moonie mate

Are you sure you don't want that? Your ex coming back into your life?

I may be wrong, and if I am I apologise, but the underlying thread of your post suggest there may be some hope on your part of her recycling.

Zack

No! I absolutely do not want us to recycle again.  Been there done that & it just got worse each time! I want her to stay away long enough for me to rebuild myself sufficiently. I am still (if I'm honest with the forum) very weak & still very hurt. My ex knows better than anyone I've ever come across how to push my buttons & what makes me tick!

That will lessen over time & I'll become stronger for it.

I'd just like her (and her seductive body & charm) to stay away from me long enough to get strong.

I know what I want & where I'm trying to get to. But I also know she is still my weakness & that makes me more vulnerable than I'm pleased to admit. It's disappointing, but it's me being honest with myself.

I didn't want NC to blow up in my face!

[Hazelrah]

Being weak and hurt is the perfect reason for NC--it will help with the slow recovery of your psyche, and you'll be that much stronger down the road, should she start sniffin' 'round to see what you're up to.  You'll be better prepared for it by then.

I wish I could go completely NC... . I'm still reeling, too, yet I have to occasionally deal with e-mails and texts from my leech of a BPDw... . mostly financial details of late.  I now keep the responses short and terse--and firm!  I also don't answer for days--it helps me to detach.  She's not used to that, and I can feel how annoyed it makes her, as her messages, in response, tend to get much longer with each rare, miniscule rebuttal I provide.

Mate, I can think of nothing more empowering than pounding the skins like Keith Moon for the next few months--get your endorphins going, get your aggression out, and lose yourself in something you love.  You'll find your identity and self-worth start to return, I'm sure of it.

[Aussie0zborn]

Moonie I have read many of your posts and you stand out as someone that has a really good grip on this BPD thing.  I'm sure your friends know you and your situation but I would think that they may not be aware of the importance of NC for you.   

Enjoy your new gig and good luck with the band.

[Moonie75]

Aussie,

Thank you. It's so easy to have a healthy & sympathetic understanding of the situations of others I'm not emotionally attached to, and 100 times harder to apply any of that to my own situation!

That old "practice what you preach" head f**ker!

[confusedhubby]

Moonie, I think you are definitely doing the right thing. he way I see it you win in every possible scenario. If she tries to recycle and you change your mind and want it you will have the upper hand. If she blows you off, you will walk away with your pride.

I hope everything works out for you.