Clarity ...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been on and off with my uBPD boyfriend/ex-boyfriend for nearly 3 1/2 years now.  Several years ago we started counseling, but then quit - largely because things felt normal and healthy.  He is incredibly high functioning at times, which can make the roller coaster hard to navigate.  It also makes denial, on both our parts, easy to wear.  We are now considering getting back together after being apart since March 2012.  I love him, no question ... .but am so conflicted.  I know that a life with him is signing up for a life of struggle and constant ... .sigh ... .turmoil stress conflict ... .  But I just can't seem to fathom a life without him either.  He is equally all over place - pushing me away one minute saying he is "saving me" and then begging me not to be done with everything.  I know I could type a novel on our story, but I know it probably reads fairly textbook to many of you.  I am just literally paralyzed with indecision and would welcome any advice or even some questions I should be asking myself in an attempt to gain some clarity. 

Also, yes, I am in counseling.  Unfortunatley don't have another session for a week

[WhereToBegin]

I have been on and off with my uBPD boyfriend/ex-boyfriend for nearly 3 1/2 years now.  Several years ago we started counseling, but then quit - largely because things felt normal and healthy.  He is incredibly high functioning at times, which can make the roller coaster hard to navigate.  It also makes denial, on both our parts, easy to wear.  We are now considering getting back together after being apart since March 2012.  I love him, no question ... .but am so conflicted.  I know that a life with him is signing up for a life of struggle and constant ... .sigh ... .turmoil stress conflict ... .  But I just can't seem to fathom a life without him either.  He is equally all over place - pushing me away one minute saying he is "saving me" and then begging me not to be done with everything.  I know I could type a novel on our story, but I know it probably reads fairly textbook to many of you.  I am just literally paralyzed with indecision and would welcome any advice or even some questions I should be asking myself in an attempt to gain some clarity. 

Also, yes, I am in counseling.  Unfortunatley don't have another session for a week

[CatBlack]

I love him, no question ... .but am so conflicted.  I know that a life with him is signing up for a life of struggle and constant ... .sigh ... .turmoil stress conflict ... .  But I just can't seem to fathom a life without him either. 

This is almost exactly where I am with mine. I love him and I can't think what is worse - life with him, or life without him. In my own search for clarity, I'm coming to the conclusion that I can deal with the conflict and the splitting and the periodic fights and rages - these things are prices that I'm willing to pay for all the good times, which are very good. What I can't deal with is his apparently unquenchable need to pursue other women. I can be happy with him even with his moodiness and volatility; I can't be happy while there is emotional infidelity, and sadly, with him I am coming to the conclusion that there will always be (at the very least) emotional infidelity. That's my boundary and that's where I have to draw the line. Do you know where your line is?

[WhereToBegin]

What a great, simple question ... .but so so hard to answer.  I think that my boundaries are physical infidelity, in large part because it can put my health/life at risk.  I struggle with identifying emotional infidelity as a boundary because I am not sure that it clear when it is crossed?  My other boundary is physical abuse. I realize that before I was with him, I would have identified a lot of boundaries that I have compromised on.  Does that mean I am not holding true to my boundaries?  Or I have just learned life isn't as black and white as I once thought?

My guy also has an "unquenchable need to pursue other women."  It is like no matter how much love and support I give him, it is isn't enough.  And I know it isn't because there is anything wrong with me, but he is just a bottomless pit when it comes to feeling worthy.  I think he is seeking love and acceptance and validity from others because he doesn't find it in himself.  As I write this I realize what a life with him (assuming he even sticks around) is taking on a huge huge struggle. 

[eternity75]

My uBPDbf/ex/bf again etc etc is the same. When together things are very very good. But we are long distance also and I think this actually is the only thing that has kept this relationship going as long as it has b/c the more I know about BPD the more I realize I would have to deal with the rollercoaster every day and it would be more in my face. I also realize that is the reason he hasn't freaked out and decided to leave the relationship himself... .because I am never quite that close so it doesn't scare him off so much. But as both of you, he is constantly in pursuit of other women and doesn't recognize or seem to care the hhurt it has caused me (and still does). In fact I have started to consider both his physical cheating and emotional infidelity as a form of abuse. Reason being? He follows the cycle of abuse to a T. He will swear his love and devotion to me, I will feel him gradually pulling away as he is building something with one or more other women, he gets caught lying, cheating, or both, he begs me not to leave him, pleads, cries, promises to change and says it will never happen again (just like an abuser), I am convinced to stay, and the very next day he can be right back to his old tricks. See he does this, knowing it hurts me, knowing it rips me apart emotionally, seeing the pain it causes, and continues to do it anyways. Thus why I now consider it more as a form of abuse.

I also find I have compromised many boundaries I have had in the past (or thought I had). When I met my first exuBPD/N bf when I was 18, I had 2 rules- don't cheat on me and don't hit me. Despite having what I thought were strong values for other things, I compromised those values. I accepted his compulsive lying and even covered lies for him with his family. I let so many things slide. 8 years later he cheated on me and I walked. Now many years later I find I am in a relationship with another BPD only he is very different from the first. He is very charming and sweet, has a gentle side (is more waif-like and doesn't rage). Over the years I have ended many relationships with guys due to cheating. I never once compromised on this. I don't know why I am compromising now, but for some reason I am justifying many things and explaining away his behaviour for him. I realize I too am in for a life of turmoil if I stay with him. And yet I find it so difficult to walk away. I ask myself why constantly. I come up with no answers.

I think when we really start compromising our values, beliefs, and boundaries is when we need to really start questioning our relationship and reasons for staying. Will we be happy in the long run? What are the goals of this relationship for us? What needs does it fulfill and will these needs be fulfilled in the long run? Are our needs REALLY fulfilled or are we just in dreamland pretending we are getting what we want when really we are getting crumbs of what we really desire?