With the intent to planting a seed in everyone who is reading this, I'm going to challenge this list of "wisdoms".
This list was written by a blogger (see
blog) who states:
There is only one emotion you need to have right now and that is anger. Revel in it. Harness it. Hold yourself together with it. I mean it, because if you don't... . If you allow one drop of sympathy for this person, you will spiral into an abyss of depression. A place they call home. You are in no state to compromise your self value by giving this sick person the satisfaction she/he is looking for. If you do you will only empower her/him. The only thing that will bring them back anyway, is your ability to care less then they do. Being that you really do care. You are going to have to summon your will to overcome this evil sneak attack on your soul. Anger is your best friend right now and motivational speaker. Never doubt that both are totally justified. (with in mature limits)
This guy was really hurt and has been blogging about his loss since 2010. He posted the following in May, 2013 - 30 months after the entry above:
She is with some guy, and not happy with him. Lately we share a brief text, with more frequency. Today, she unloaded on me, with an apology that made me cry... . Before, I continue, I should note that, I just drank a small bottle of Dewars, and I haven't drank in years. Its also 2 am.
So is this a list of wisdoms. Has it helped anyone heal? Move on? Is anyone celebrating being "dumped" as the greatest day of their life (the breakup)?
I don't see this list (or these types of things) as a guide to healing. It seems more like a map to dysfunctional coping.
In fairness to the blogger, he's cathartically blogging - good for him. We're the ones that have held this up as a "Things You Need To Know".
OK, Lonewolf, you're the OP, so I'll use you as an example, but only in the interest of reaching out to everyone - please don't take any of this as criticism - many of us have walked this path.
The list says:
This has nothing to do with you. You didn't do anything wrong. You just trusted a loser and that happens to everyone. That's her/his shame not yours. Her/His loss too. Be proud of yourself. Honesty, truthfulness and loyalty are to be admired. Doesn't it have everything to do with us? The guy that wrote the list had 3 BPD partners. What is the statistical chance of that? LoneWolf768, you walked away from this girl in short order in 2009 because of the huge red flags and got back in in 2012 - married, underemployed, bizarre behavior on the first date, hyper-sexual. What were the chances this was going to go well?
She love-bombed me, seduced me the first night we met, then began to get jealous and controlling and even obsessive. Emailed the hell out of me, texted and called me relentlessly. It bordered on harassment, in my opinion.
tomjon78, brother... . I lost a good close friend over my obsessiveness with my ex BPD'er. Like you I've never, ever been so consumed with anyone like I was her. She and I met in 2009 and I backed off from her then because of what I saw from her, not knowing at all what BPD was at that time. I still didn't know what BPD was in the Fall of 2012 when I started falling for her. I remember how it felt when I'd think about her, get little texts from her, a voice messages... . bro, I felt like I was floating. I don't mean to sound corny or anything but I was on such a high I sometimes couldn't remember driving home from work.
The list says:
Even if you've humiliated yourself. They still can't win. In my experience with 3 BPD's, none have kept a relationship. They left a trail of train wrecks. You are much stronger then they are in every way. You will heal. They will not. You are going to win this war. You already did. :)eep down they know they're not good enough for you. Oh it's so their loss it's not even funny. You just unloaded a huge problem on some sucker... . FACT. The new guy/girl is going to suffer this too. Guaranteed.
War? We will "win" because a mentally ill person will fail?
If the new guy is a sucker and failure is guaranteed, what does this say about us. Did we face the same.
Now, truthfully, we all think about this - a lot. Everyone has these thoughts.
But is this type of guide what we want to use to sort out this fear? Or is this guide feeding this fear? Should our success be predicated on their life? Are we afraid to face (or too egotistical to face) that we weren't the best partners, ourselves?
Do we lose if they have a successful relationship?
I'm sure, if my ex ever meets someone, she'll drive that guy nuts and smear his name to all of her friends like she did me and I can just hear her telling her friends that what led to the breakup was EVERYTHING HE DID! This is under the presumption she keep a man long enough. Any man that would want to put up with a married woman living with her husband, daughter, sister-in-law and mother-in-law must have a pretty low sense of self worth himself.
A part of me wouldn't mind hearing how bad her next relationship will turn out. It's inevitable. And the Cycle of Spiritual Justice will side in my favor :
) !
The list says:
Adults are responsible for their actions. Child molesters were victims too once.OK. Good. But don't we want a guide that encourages us apply this to our lives (taking responsibility) - not theirs (judging)... .
The list says
You are going to look back someday and thank God this happened. Guaranteed. This is the greatest day of your life. You just don't know it yet.We will survive. We will come to learn something form this if we are smart. Greatest day in our life - hardly - having wisdom teeth pulled was a better day.
The list says
If you feel the need to help, donate your time and money to abused children. Your real soul mate is still searching for you and they are awesome. YOUR MISSION NOW IS TO GET BACK TO YOU. Anyway you look at it. Moving on helps you achieve your goal. Remember that confident guy/girl she couldn't resist. The guy/girl that laughed her/him right out of her pants. That's who you still are. Finally. 71 words out of 1,000 in the post
I know the pain. I struggled here as "skippy" the broken hearted for a year. When we are downtrodden, we reach for crutches to help us build back our self esteem - recover from the incredibly difficult task of being evacuated by a person we love.
But not all crutches help us upward. The obviously bad ones like getting drunk are easy to see and avoid. Even rebound relationships are easy to see. But the one thing that is often hard to see, especially when we are feeling down, is junk psychology.
We can't heal by climbing up the back of someone else - proclaiming them to be the loser and ourselves the victor.
We heal by understanding our own role in our pain, and change it.
It's really not that hard to do, but we have to get past our own fears and ego to do it.
That part is hard.
