Hello putting the puzzle together

[doogals]

Hi,

I am a 51 year old who finally put the puzzle together. My mother is BPD. Now I know why I feel like I can't breathe when I am around her. I take diazepam to get through the day as well as exercise. I read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. I was shaking when I read it. It is a must read for anyone who has a BPD Mother. She is what Lawson calls the Queen BPD type. Now she has moved in with me because her house was foreclosed... . I was the "good-one" who went through abuse. And my brother was the "bad one" who went through worst abuse. I was the parentified child who never had a childhood. My brother hates me and I have never done anything to him... . I am trying to heal but it will be hard since she's back in my life at 74 with health issues. I hope that this forum can help me. I am seeing a therapist as well as seeing her psychiatrist. She has no idea that what she engaged in was child abuse. She feels like the victim. She does not know that she has BPD. She respects no boundries. Told the shrink that "she and I are the same person so you can tell her whatever you want"  She has suffered sexual abuse as well as physical abuse. She is a trainwreck.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, doogals and 

Boy, that's really a tough situation you are going through... . I'm so glad you found us! There are more posters than you can ever know who are on this site because of their Moms, and their stories are very similar to yours. I'm really sorry that you've had to go through so much, and now are in the situation of caregiver to your Mom, besides. That has got to be so difficult... .

I'm glad to hear that your Mom is seeing a Psychiatrist, and that you are allowed to talk to him/her. A lot of our members are also seeing Therapists; I'm glad you have been able to do that, too. Are you finding it to be helpful, now that she is living with you? It does sound that your Mom has had a hard life, and you are a good daughter to be aware of that. Having compassion for our loved one with BPD does help with being able to deal with them, giving us the motivation to learn how to communicate with them better in order to see things improve. Do you know about Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it, or TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth?

Lots of us here find that once we learn to use the communication tools and techniques in the links above, and change the way we communicate with our loved ones, our loved ones then react differently with us, thereby making things easier. I've also found some links for you, for you:

Coping when a Family Member has BPD Lessons/Survivor's Guide to Childhood Abuse

TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

I really hope there is something in the links above to help you; please keep telling us your story and asking your questions so we know how to direct you... . Things really can get better 

[zone out]

Hi doogals

That enmeshing behaviour is very common in the BPD.  My mother (elderly uBPD) hardly ever uses the term 'I' or 'mine' - it's always 'we' or 'ours', she considers myself and her to be the same person.  This really irritates me, especially when she tries (unsuccessfully) to influence my opinion.  My take on the world is very different from hers!

Now that your mother has moved in with you, boundaries will be more important than ever (I am still trying to achieve some success in that area).  At least the fact that she is seeing the therapist is positive - I have read that even therapists find BPD challenging! 

I find it really helpful to read posts and use the search facility for the archive stuff.  My activity on the site soars after a bad period with my mother - I used to dwell on it over and over again, now I get on the site and it really helps.  So many of us have such similar experiences there is a strong element of comfort in the feeling that you are not alone.  The site actually helps me emotionally detach from the situation - I look on my mother more like a 'project' now.  That is not to say my heart doesn't race when I lift the phone and she launches into one of her tirades, but I am more able to rationalise the situation now and most importantly I now know that she is the one with the problem.  At times I used to think that I was losing my mind.

So keep reading and posting - all the best to you.  I hope your mum settles down and appreciates all you are doing for her.

Zone out

[doogals]

Thanks for replying to my post. It feels good to know that someone can understand where I am coming from. As I dig deeper into my past I feel shocked and numb about the things that my mother had done to me and I just "intellectualized" the pain. She allowed men to fondle me - her daughter repeatedly because she received some monetary gain from it. She committed insurance fraud and the doctor who was treating my acne at age 12 repeatedly fondled my breasts, but she did nothing after I told her. Basically, she prostituted me! The ironic thing is that I am sure that she doesn't even remember... . very sad and nothing can undo it. This seems to be the tip of the iceberg... . I wrote a very explicit sexual journal when I was eight or nine... . My therapists tells me that this is not normal. Something happened to me. I need to know. Where do I go with this? I want to know what happened to me... .

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, again doogals... .

I'm truly sorry for what you are finding out about your childhood, and can't tell you how much I want to just give you a hug! You are a strong daughter to be able to try to come to terms with your memories, besides being a caregiver to your Mom... . I wish you only the best with your situation 

Have you had the chance to check out any of the links I gave you above? They truly may be helpful in your quest for truth... . I'm so happy you have your Therapist; I have no idea how one deals with a search of that nature, but I'm sure your T can help you with that and you will find your truth at the right time.

I've found some more links that may help, or at least shed some light for you:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts

US: as victims

Please know that we are here to support you; keep posting and telling your story... . We are here when you need us, 24/7 

[Bella Storm]

Hi doogals,

I am so sorry you went through those horrible experiences. I hope that therapy will help you work through those traumatic experiences so that you can move forward in your life. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

~Bella

[zone out]

Hi Doogals

You really have been through it big time.  I am so sorry to hear of the cruel things which you have described.

I am relatively fortunate in the fact that my mother's condition did not really affect her ability to look after me as a child - she was emotionally distant, irrational, volatile and preoccupied with her problems and those of the wider family but I think, reading the experiences of other people, I had a fairly ok childhood - it was in adulthood that my problems with her really accelerated.

I hope you have a good therapist, who will help you work through all these serious issues.

My heart goes out to you.

Zone out

[doogals]

Thank you all for posting to me. It has been a difficult time remembering all the crap that I went through over the years that I stuffed down so deep that never saw the light of day until these past few weeks. I read some of the literature that you have all recommended and I thank you for it.

I read some literature on this site that helps one clarify if and at what level one has experienced child abuse... . One aspect is one a child abuses a pet... . that was me. I hadn't thought of that for almost 40 years... . It was very painful to admit this... . that realization really was heart breaking since I now have 2 dogs that I love very much and could never think of hurting... .

God help me to carry this cross... .

[Rapt Reader]

God help me to carry this cross... .

Oh, doogals... . He (She?   ) will help you. And so will we.

To the right-hand side of this page (you'll have to scroll up at this point to see it, I believe) is the Survivors Guide and Lessons. When you click on every link from the top of the Guide to the bottom, you will find your way to a healing place. You just need to make the time for yourself, and it will happen.

Please, know we are here for you during this journey. Keep reading, posting, and telling your story. It really will help

[zone out]

Oh doogals - please don't beat yourself up about this, you were just an innocent child, a victim of the circumstances in which you grew up in.  When you are tempted to dwell, just give your dogs a big hug and be kind to yourself.  We had no power to choose the families we were born into.

All best wishes to you

Zone out

[doogals]

Thank you once again. I know that I will need as much support as possible. I have been an elementary school teacher for the past 15 years and one day I witnessed one of my kindergarten students become very very uncomfortable when another student of the same sex began stroking her long hair. Now the child that was being stroked was always very shy and her mother used to volunteer in my classroom from time to time. Thank God for that because I called her right away to explain what I saw. She spoke to her daughter right away and the daughter reported that the child who was stroking her had been molesting her during nap time! Of course the administration wanted to hang me out to dry, but the child's mother observed how dedicated and vigilant I was at all times so she would have none of it. In fact, in her view it was because I was so conscientious with her daughter that the abuse was discovered at all. The "abuser" was later found out to have been abused herself by older siblings. The day it all went down, the principal put the little five year old out in the hallway... . She was sobbing her little heart out! Now, I feel like sending this principal an email telling her how she abused this child once again by her actions so many years ago (15 years ago!) just to get it out of my system. Now I ask myself, could not my mother have stopped the abuse that I went through? It's messed up... . I have 3 boys and I would not have tolerated this for even one instance! In the book The Borderline Mother by Lawson she explains how BPDs suspend moral judgments to suit their distortions. Has anyone out there been a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of another adult with their BPD parent's full knowledge of what was transpiring?

[zone out]

Hi Doogals

This experience shows how something positive can come out of all the horror of the past. Your vigilance and insight was used to very good effect to halt a potentially very damaging situation.  Good for you.

Zone out

[doogals]

Yes, I guess you are right on one level. I also think that I did not have the sympathy that I should have had because of my experience too. I think that I became inured to feeling for abused kids because I intellectualized my own abuse without ever putting the pieces together until now. I guess I thought that I should just put up with being used because an authority figure condoned the behavior for their own benefit. That's the mind-boggling part. My therapist is amazed that I turned out as normal as I am - although I struggle with low self-esteem (imposter syndrome) and anxiety.  If I had had the insights that I do now, I would have hugged that little "abuser" and told her that it was not her fault... .

I wish my mother could find another place to live because I feel like I am under surveillance at all times and that's anxiety producing. First she calls me honey, sweetie, and then she comes out with biting sarcasm. Never know what she will be like. Opinionates about how I look and dress all the time... . I just ordered the 3 minute therapy book that someone suggested so I hope that helps.

[isshebpd]

Has anyone out there been a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of another adult with their BPD parent's full knowledge of what was transpiring?

doogals, I feel horrible about what happened to you.

Although my parents still don't know, the Music Director at their Church (not "my" Church) tried to molest me when I was about 13. He was hired to give me music lessons, but was also buying fast food for me. I thought maybe my parents were paying for it, but my T says he was "grooming" me. Thankfully, after his one failed attempt, he stopped the lessons and left me alone. He even gave the impression he felt guilty.

With my BPDmom's raging and weird taunts at that time like "one of your sister's friends likes you but I'm not going to tell you which one", I didn't really feel like I had anyone to stick up for me, or if I fought back it could even backfire. I never said anything about the molester at their Church  :'( I wonder if he grabbed at even smaller kids.

Molesters probably have radar for kids with low self-esteem and dysfunctional families.