How much power do the kids have in the BPD parenting world?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I really need someone to shed some light on this one... .

This time last year my D13 learned about her father (my exBPD) having a girlfriend.  My daughter also learned that the gf has been in the picture for 7 years without D even knowing. 

Since this all came into the open this past year ex has been very honest with our D and open with her regarding the gf. Our D finally met the gf this summer, however no relationship grew from there.  I know there is a mixture of emotions about accepting this reality for my daughter. I know this because we have discussed it together and with the T. The fact that gf was around for half her life and everyone knew but her; that her father's side of the family had a relationship with the gf all this time; that in general her dad has a gf; that my daughter is fully aware and witnesses my ex crossing the lines with me being very flirtatious or verbally saying things he shouldn't (these things happen when we are together for our daughter's events); she is aware of his back and forth through the years; now understands this is the connection to a lot of the fighting and dysfunction over the years; knows I was cheated on with this person; she also knows how hurt I have been in all of this and the saddest realization is how in return it has completely hurt her. 

It has gotten to a point that my daughter won't show up to a family bbq if his gf is there because now the gf is ALWAYS there.  In the past when our daughter didn't know, D was always at the family events and the girlfriend wasn't invited.  Now that ex has come clean seems roles have reversed and the girlfriend gets "first dibs" so to say.  My opinion is that I don't think he shouldn't be okay with letting daughter opt out and miss out on the family things yet still bring the girlfriend.  But this is a pwBPD and nothing is fair or logical and never has been.  I understand that now, but I don't know what to do with it.

I see my D is hurt and she is even more upset missing the events.  I know though if she goes she feels forced to accept something she wasn't ready for and just because she doesn't want to miss the party. I also know she loves her father and he (aside form this mess) is a very involved and loving parent to our daughter.  So because this is an abnormal circumstance, what is the right thing to do here?  Do I allow my daughter of 13 to have the power to say she does not want to go? Not that I can "make her" do anything but I know I can also be influential in guiding her in the right directions.  EVERYONE else doesn't seem to understand why she doesn't want to go.  She is bombarded with "why aren't you coming?" questions constantly but never really asked "are you okay?"  To me, of course I understand why people won't understand.  After all, this is the nitty gritty of BPD here.

I am at a loss if we are doing the right things here in a situation that isn't right to begin with.  I am at a loss on whether I should be supporting her choice to stay home or encouraging her to be there for her father? Do I stay quiet and let her decide what is best?  She is 13 yet she is still a youngster. She is a bright girl and can make many decisions without my help, but this one she is really struggling with and so am I.  She recently said to me she will not accept the gf until he stops trying to go back and forth with me.  I then asked her, but what if that day never comes?  What if he can never stop doing that?   She wasn't able to answer. I know she also wants to protect me (which I am reinforcing she doesn't have to) and she also does know how BPD plays this role although of course has the feelings of "this isn't fair".   

I also have to be concerned on how this now trigger's my daughter into a spiral of emotions because she has BPD traits as well.  I try to keep the balance between these highly sensitive situations between her dad and her (because I have seen how it can set either one of them off) and yet keep myself in a healthy mindset.   


Just wondering your thoughts? Anyone else have a similar experience?

[changingme]

I really need someone to shed some light on this one... .

This time last year my D13 learned about her father (my exBPD) having a girlfriend.  My daughter also learned that the gf has been in the picture for 7 years without D even knowing. 

Since this all came into the open this past year ex has been very honest with our D and open with her regarding the gf. Our D finally met the gf this summer, however no relationship grew from there.  I know there is a mixture of emotions about accepting this reality for my daughter. I know this because we have discussed it together and with the T. The fact that gf was around for half her life and everyone knew but her; that her father's side of the family had a relationship with the gf all this time; that in general her dad has a gf; that my daughter is fully aware and witnesses my ex crossing the lines with me being very flirtatious or verbally saying things he shouldn't (these things happen when we are together for our daughter's events); she is aware of his back and forth through the years; now understands this is the connection to a lot of the fighting and dysfunction over the years; knows I was cheated on with this person; she also knows how hurt I have been in all of this and the saddest realization is how in return it has completely hurt her. 

It has gotten to a point that my daughter won't show up to a family bbq if his gf is there because now the gf is ALWAYS there.  In the past when our daughter didn't know, D was always at the family events and the girlfriend wasn't invited.  Now that ex has come clean seems roles have reversed and the girlfriend gets "first dibs" so to say.  My opinion is that I don't think he shouldn't be okay with letting daughter opt out and miss out on the family things yet still bring the girlfriend.  But this is a pwBPD and nothing is fair or logical and never has been.  I understand that now, but I don't know what to do with it.

I see my D is hurt and she is even more upset missing the events.  I know though if she goes she feels forced to accept something she wasn't ready for and just because she doesn't want to miss the party. I also know she loves her father and he (aside form this mess) is a very involved and loving parent to our daughter.  So because this is an abnormal circumstance, what is the right thing to do here?  Do I allow my daughter of 13 to have the power to say she does not want to go? Not that I can "make her" do anything but I know I can also be influential in guiding her in the right directions.  EVERYONE else doesn't seem to understand why she doesn't want to go.  She is bombarded with "why aren't you coming?" questions constantly but never really asked "are you okay?"  To me, of course I understand why people won't understand.  After all, this is the nitty gritty of BPD here.

I am at a loss if we are doing the right things here in a situation that isn't right to begin with.  I am at a loss on whether I should be supporting her choice to stay home or encouraging her to be there for her father? Do I stay quiet and let her decide what is best?  She is 13 yet she is still a youngster. She is a bright girl and can make many decisions without my help, but this one she is really struggling with and so am I.  She recently said to me she will not accept the gf until he stops trying to go back and forth with me.  I then asked her, but what if that day never comes?  What if he can never stop doing that?   She wasn't able to answer. I know she also wants to protect me (which I am reinforcing she doesn't have to) and she also does know how BPD plays this role although of course has the feelings of "this isn't fair".   

I also have to be concerned on how this now trigger's my daughter into a spiral of emotions because she has BPD traits as well.  I try to keep the balance between these highly sensitive situations between her dad and her (because I have seen how it can set either one of them off) and yet keep myself in a healthy mindset.   


Just wondering your thoughts? Anyone else have a similar experience?

[LynnieRe]

my BPd, who is 16 now, never met her father until she was almost 14.  He left me pregnant for another woman, and I didn't want him involved in her life.  When she was 13, he was down and out.  She was also going through a period of really wanting to meet her dad.  So I introduced them.  She barely had time to get used to him, the bonding process was going pretty well, and he left to move in with a GF.  (Have you figured out he has BPD) That year was pure chaos.  I tried overnight visitation, had to take that away because of the situation at the GF house.  The last year he poured all his attention on my daughter, except for the time and attention he on and off paid to me.  I allowed a triangulation to happen, they both fought over me basically.  My daughter became so depressed and so "not in control" that she attempted suicide.  I had, for the last 2 years, encouraged or forced (I'll say it I made her sometimes) go see her dad and his family.  Sometimes they get along, sometimes it's just teenage stuff, sometimes it's toxic. 

However, after her suicide attempt, which was all my fault apparently, he detached himself from her life.  She will not see him unless I am around, and that leads to hostility and arguing. 

So I personally think that you should let your daughter pick and choose when she sees him.  Sorry.  I'm usually strict about the child's role and the adult's role.  But her father is not acting like the adult here.  If you see her acting out or becoming emotionally unstable because of his behavior, encourage therapy and support her.  Just my support and love and providing a stable homelife as I did before he came into her life has made her much calmer.  She is on medication and in therapy also, but the huge stress of trying to please a person that is never satisfied or accepting of her is gone. 

Put your daughter's emotional health first, let her heal a little and have some control of the situation.  provide a stable environment for her, and encourage her to bond with someone who is more positive for her emotionally, like a friend or a relative of yours.  My brother and my father were my daughter's surrogates, and she to this day considers them her true "fathers"