I messed up -- big time, and now am going to pay...

[jmrslc]

That is it, in a nutshell... .

Me, mid/late 30s, father of two (with her), one previous marriage to a diagnosed BPD. 

My current wife is apparently BPD/NPD & more (Cluster B).  This is as close as I am going to get to a diagnosis given our current situation. 

We had emotional intimacy issues since day 1, but I am a borderline stream/co-dependent, and I felt obligated to marry her since she stayed here (she was traveling for work).

Married, had a kid, some flags came up.  Of course having a second kid fixes everything, so that is what we do.  Months later, I felt lonely, my life was a shell -- propped up for all to see.  I made a terrible decision in that I had a long-term affair.  This is the kind that articles are written about, I am sure.  My wife was expecting, I compartmentalized, lived the quintessential (outside looking in) life with my wife while finding my emotional and physical connection elsewhere -- and I brought her into our social circle, and even to family functions.  I texted during family events, and even while at the hospital with my new baby... .

D-day, she found out July 8th.  With her BPD/NPD traits (specifically lack of empathy, splitting, and sense of entitlement), there was ZERO chance of reconciliation.  For maybe a day or two she tried to bury it and pretend everything was ok.  Since then, she has been beyond cruel.  Saying things to my sons that should never be said, actively trying to destroy my support system and social circles -- down right mean.  7 police calls, she was ALMOST arrested for domestic violence (I talked the police down -- apparently to my detriment on the divorce front).

Our state requires co-parenting classes during the divorce process.  We have both taken them.  It hasn't changed her behavior any.  I am scared for my sons.

I have an individual counselor, I have joined a divorce support group, and am trying to learn how to be alone.  That is hard for me.

I had an epiphany when a fairly well known Psych/MD (shares a practices with my LCSW) pointed out Cluster B (after a couple hundred hours of discussions with both me and the LCSW).  He also expressed great concern for the children, as my STB ex wife is literally acting like her own mother.  She acts like the ultimate victim here, and is putting my boys in the middle.  She tells a horrific story, she is 0% responsible, and the only way she knows how to CONNECT with someone is to fight, pick, jab, poke, stab, twist, etc.  In other words, now that I have wronged her, she is acting out the same way her parents have for the last 30 years.  He is concerned for my boys as they are digressing rapidly (and she has primary custody).

We are going to order a psych eval as part of the divorce proceedings, but it may not matter.  She is extremely bright (4.0, got into anesthesia school, etc.).

I just sold my dream home (barring issues with inspection/closing).  I may end up needing to post in the divorcing section. 

My issue is that my "stinking thinking" still feels like if I walk the tightrope JUST RIGHT, she will take me back.  Why would I want that?  Well, the poop stinks but it sure was warm... .

Every exchange with the kids is nasty.  Random texts throughout the day are nasty.  This sucks.

[bpdspell]

So... .

You cheated on your borderline.

Yes. Cheating is hurtful to anyone involved but you cannot beat yourself up about it for the rest of your life and you certainly can't allow your soon to be ex-wife to do it either. You're human and you made the poor choice to get intimately involved with another. Under the circumstances of being married to a woman with BPD you made a poor decision.

Forgive yourself. Get into therapy. Get to the root of your codependency. Be proactive in your own healing.

There are tons of people who can emotionally validate you on the Divorce board. But your ex-wife is not God. She is not entitled to punish you forever.

You may have cheated to subconsciously get yourself out of your marriage. Sometimes we cheat because we're really not happy and we really don't know how to tell our partners that. Sometimes we cheat to passively aggressively punish for our own neglected unspoken for needs. I cheated for all three reasons.

I was married and I cheated on my husband with my BPDexbf. I suffered greatly all because I couldn't be honest with myself and my husband. But dishonesty hurts. It hurts us and it hurts others.

I'm so sorry your children are involved in the midst of this. Seek assistance on the Divorce board and try not to be up yourself. You're human and all humans are prone to making mistakes.

Spell

[letmeout]

Even if you hadn't messed up big time, divorcing a BPD spouse is anything but pleasant. Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time if need be. Bottom line is do whatever you can to save the kids.

[jmrslc]

Thanks.  It sounds like I am best served posting in the divorce board?  I still love her, and am struggling with the separation as a whole, but I can't see a remote chance in **** that she will ever consider a relationship with me (and when I read the responses, i believe it was a combination of fulfilling what I wasn't getting at home, lashing out, and subconsciously finding a way to end the marriage.  The latter is what my therapist thinks... .