If they know their behavior DIDN'T bother you, will they stop... or amplify it?

[nomoremommyfood]

I haven't posted anything in a long time. Partly for bad reasons, i.e. I was mysteriously ill for five months with what turned out to be chronic lithium toxicity (hooray for psych meds!). Partly for good, i.e. relative calm tides with dBPDbf of 6.5 yrs.

Last week came his quarterly (I timed it!) major tantrum and silent treatment combo. He verbally attacked me for "subjecting him to bad news" when I called the bank and learned an invoice typo would mean no income for weeks. After the financial strife of a.) freelancing and b.) chronic illness, him screaming before I could hang up the phone was too much to handle. I fought back at full volume (my neighbors must love us!). I was crying and shaking with anger during and after the fight but merely annoyed the next day. Four days later, only briefly upset when realizing he was enacting the silent treatment, which - as he's aware - historically causes me great anguish. Today, he took my call and, after some re-igniting, the fight was eventually absolved.

I told him neither our fight nor his silent treatment particularly bothered me. Not in a spiteful manner, but an "it's kind of curious" manner. He said "I don't believe you, but that's good." I know pwBPD sometimes stop doing something if it stops getting a reaction. And one of my ongoing problems is that, when I tell him in a non-fight moment something particularly bothers me, it automatically goes to the front of his fight arsenal. Thankfully, I learned to stop identifying these ages ago so most low-blow material has little impact. I can probably recite "go back to [guy who stalked me years ago]" along with him. I'd love to be rid of them.

On the other hand, I can't prove I wasn't upset, and I'm worried that - if he thinks it's not working - he'll just amp it up. Is this an "extinction burst"? What happens the majority of time a pwBPD is told someone wasn't upset by their actions? Even worse, could I have triggered abandonment fears by suggesting that, since I wasn't bothered by his behavior, I don't care, anymore?

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[waverider]

When dysregulated they will hit all known triggers to get you to engage, (noticing their silent treatment is also engaging). If it doesn't succeed yes they will try harder (extinction burst). If it repeatedly has little effect they will eventually drop it.

You have to be careful to identify real abandonment issues they may have, and claims of abandonment (they can also use that as a trigger. Any response to abandonment needs to be measured so that it just doesn't become another avenue for engagement.

The only way this really consistently works is when you have reached that place of acceptance whereby these things genuine don't affect you that much, that way there is little room for a work around or to trip you up. You also feel a whole lot better if you are not faking it.

As far as loosing is concerned, the problem you had is that it was impulsivly and reactive. If "words" need to be said, best not done in the moment but when you have clarified it better in your own mind. Reduces escalation and going off on a tangent.

[nomoremommyfood]

Thanks for your quick help, Waverider! I'm wondering if you could clarify some things, though:

... .noticing their silent treatment is also engaging.

Do you mean that - when you've personally noticed you're being ignored - should you avoid pointing it out, at all? For example, is there notable difference between "I noticed you haven't returned my calls" and "I know you were giving me the silent treatment"?

The only way this really consistently works is when you have reached that place of acceptance whereby these things genuine don't affect you that much, that way there is little room for a work around or to trip you up. You also feel a whole lot better if you are not faking it.

If it makes a difference, I don't think I faked not feeling as bothered. In fact, being more engaged with writing work than ruminating made me wonder if I was having a manic episode or losing interest in my bf, overall. I told him in reference to understanding his outburst was part of a disorder, not to prove something to him, then hung up worried it might encourage him to try harder in the future.

... .the problem you had is that it was impulsivly and reactive. If "words" need to be said, best not done in the moment but when you have clarified it better in your own mind.

I admit I was at fault and shouldn't have engaged in the fight. However, while I can leave his house when things escalate, I can't physically force him out of mine when he refuses to end the fight. I also feel it's another example of a double-standard I've written about several times on this forum. If I verbally accosted him after he'd experienced hardship, you'd better believe there'd be words... .and I'd deserve them! Yes, I should have reacted differently. But it's not easy to think straight when you just learned a.) you'll be rationing your meals, again and b.) being simultaneously calling an incompetent idiot by someone who survives via disability check. I think there are certain "extenuating life circumstance" where breaking from the prescribed BPD communication mold should be forgiven. 

[waverider]

... .noticing their silent treatment is also engaging.

probably should have said reacting to the silent treatment, in other words letting them know it bothers you a lot.

Sounds like you didn't so thats good. If they feel gneglected because you dont react, that's their problem. Silent treatment is a form of mental abuse, it can really hurt some people

I think there are certain "extenuating life circumstance" where breaking from the prescribed BPD communication mold should be forgiven.

Reacting in the moment usually means they are not open to listening and we sometimes are not completely clear and concise in our own minds what the real issue is. >We say too much, and they hear too little=waste of effort

There are no rules, there are only guidelines to help you get the most favourable result. We are human and we can't be the perfect model at all times,. I know I am not. If I could follow my own advice even 80% of the time it would be a big improvement. There is a big shortfall between the ideal and what we mere mortals can achieve

You are forgiven

Double standards, yes. Our reactions compared to theirs are like chalk and cheese, so same standards cant be applied. We can't change that, only work with it. No amount of complaining about it not being fair is going to change that. I'm sure we all have tried that, and it's never gotten us anywhere except even more frustrated. Its a waste of effort