As anticipated... the mother of all rages :-(

[Nearlybroken]

Those of you who have read my posts will know that I recently had cause to change the locks on my home (for those who are not in the know my expwBPD pretended to be an intruder in order to show how vulnerable I will be without him).I wrote that this would instigate the mother of all kick offs.I was correct.He texted me ( he has indicated that he will no longer speak to me on the phone) to say he wanted to look in the loft for some golfing gear.I sent him the following " I will look for you when I am home but there is no point in you calling around.Following you pretending to be an intruder I realised that I was a bit vulnerable so I have increased the security on the house,changed and added locks and sorted the alarm.I know you will understand that I need to feel safe".Dear lord he went nuts... .text after text along the lines of how dare I imply he was a danger to me,the usual twisting and re-writing of our relationship,accusing me of making his therapist and GP diagnose him with his illnesses... .I could go on but all I will say is typical BPD behaviour.The texts were nasty and abusive.I did not reply.

He then proceeded to block me from FB but only after he had written "dislike"on many of our photos and sent me an email telling me he was dispensing with social media.Attached to this email was a pornographic image.His last line "guess what I am free to do now?".He also blocked a few of our friends for some unknown reason.He has told his family to cease contact with me... .informed them I was using them to get information,was stalking him.Utterly untrue allegations.Ironically,the contact he has with his family forbidding them from communicating with me was the first contact he had had with them for ages.He texted and phones a few of MY friends asking if he could visit to catch up, never mentioned me to them though... .was "normal" to them  (this baffles me... .they are my friends and he has never really communicated with them before now.I find it strange that whilst raging at me he makes the effort with my friends).Can anyone explain this for me?

He rang our landline yesterday on a blocked number.I picked up.He does not phone me usually except to rage then hang up so once I realised it was him I just braced myself for some shouting.Totally calm but stated the following:

People do not know what you are really like,what you have done to me.

You are manipulative and a control freak.

You don't listen.You keep having a go at me.You dont let things go.

You make me discuss things and you know I hate talking.

You make me think things I am not comfortable with.

Then... .BOOM!He starts screaming at me... .my therapist hates you.She thinks you control my mind.She says you are ****** with my head for your own sick pleasure.You are ill not me.You are the one with BPD and I am the victim here.You are a nasty little c*** and I hope you know how often you make me cry with your hysteria and twisted lies.You are an abuser and you picked on me.My therapist says women like you are so good at what you do that you make others feel head******.Keep away from me forever.I ****** hate you more than I have ever hated anyone in my life.I shout at you because you make me.You tell me that my actions make you upset but you are doing this to yourself.I have done nothing.I have burned the last of your pictures and I am going to tell everyone what you did to our baby.I am pleased that you can't have anymore children.Serves you right.Enjoy watching your friends today with their children ( he knew I was meeting up with friends who have kids).Bhit, I am gone.Now **** off out of my b***** life that you have made so hit.

How I managed to keep it together and meet with my friends I will never know.It was only when driving back home that I let myself sob and sob and sob.When I got back home he had posted some drawings through the door... .lots of devil type things and grim reaper characters, people with bleeding eyes and stuff.

I do not know what I have done to deserve this... .my head feels like it is going to explode.Nothing, and I mean nothing he says about me is true.I have never ever experienced such venom and abuse.I feel utterly hopeless, helpless and apart from this forum alone.I wish I could tell people everything but the cruelty is is that my truth would only "justify" another BPD outburst.I feel like I am going to explode with the hurt and frustration of it all... .NB.xxxxxxx

[Nearlybroken]

By the way... .apologies for the bad language but I thought I should be totally honest in my post.I am sorry if it offends anyone.NBx

[connect]

Hi Nearlybroken - that's awful for you.    He seriously is ill.

The changing the lock thing can be hard I know even for a non. One of my non r/s's disintigrated into NC after I changed the locks as he also used to turn up anytime he liked and take things from the house. He was furious when he realised I had changed the locks. So yes a BPD person in this situation could be even worse. Not that I am excusing his behaviour for a second - not a second! What he is doing is dreadful to you and would no doubt warrent a restraining order if you persued that avenue.

It sounds as though you have reached your limit with him and that he is becomming a big problem to your feelings of safety and emotional well being. As for the comments about children in light of what you have been through - well words cannot describe how cruel that is.

Do you think he is having a breakdown? Are you worried about your physical safety? Is it possible you could get away somewhere for a while and stay with a friend? You really really need a break from this.

Hugs   

[Surnia]

So very sorry, NB and some big, big 

Take some deep, deep breaths.

I guess the changed locks ( good you did it!) put him in extinction burst which means even more out of control and doing irrational things.

Don't believe what he said, its projection.

You don't deserve any of it.

I have some concerns about your safety. The drawings through the door a worrying me. I would keep them, I would even consider to reach out the police or a helpdesk for violence.

I understand that you are afraid of telling people bc of the aftermath. Do you have at least on or two really good friends or close family members who you can tell it? Keeping all in and in silence is in my opinion not healthy for you.

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you both for your words... .I have no doubt that he is having a breakdown.His health has been declining for some time.Some people who he works with know he is ill but not the full extent.he has treatment through his work and is monitored.He has given me drawings before,which I sent to his therapist.The earlier drawings were images of people hanging from trees... .he wrote "this is what will happen if you ever leave me".His family know of his depression but are not proactive in helping him.the man is able to put on such a front... .

I am not concerned for my physical safety purely because (for various reasons) he knows he would lose his job if he did anything to me but in terms of my mental and emotional well-being... .he has destroyed me.I am tired.I will be honest now and say that I have not disclosed to people because I am just too embarassed and I doubt people would believe me if I told them the truth... .most of it is almost too bizarre for me to comprehend let alone others.I do tell a couple of close friends some things but though they listen they can't believe that the man they know is the man I talk of.The friends that I have told most to are the very same people he is now trying to befriend.I really cannot understand why he is all out to destroy me... .I was a kind and loving partner to him and put up with a lot.I gave him a great life.It sounds big headed to say but I honestly have not done a thing wrong.I just cannot cope with the BPD.I am angry at the health service, his therapist, his family... .everyone.I dont know why... .maybe I just expected the BPD to "go away" with treatment.Maybe I thought if I loved him enough... .god knows.I just feel totally alone in all of this.I really am a textbook victim of BPD and feel annoyed as I was the one person in his life that adored him and tried to help him.I feel weak.NB.xx

[Want2know]

You are in a tough situation... .please keep us posted on how you are doing.  

One question I have for you... .is there any reason to talk to him at all?  I ask because I know you want to be able to let out things about him that are bothering you... .telling him he's manipulative, etc. as you did when he called you.  It is probably best to not stir that pot, and keep your communication with him as if it is a business transaction with a customer.  To the point, cordial, and nothing emotional.

You ask why he might be contacting your friends... .it is possible he wants to 'set the story straight' with them, however, this is something that I would suggest you 'let go', as your true friends know you well enough to not believe him.

I, too, am concerned for your safety, and agree keeping those pictures he sent you is something you may want to do.  Have you spoken with someone that can guide you through this, legally and emotionally?

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you for your words wanttoknow.I do battle with the "wanting to put my side of the story"aspect but I now know it is pointless as he twists everything, screams at me and when that doesn't work simply makes things up.The past few months have really given me a frightening insight into the workings of his mind and I know I can no longer be in a position where I get this view because it is making me ill.I am protected legally and have taken the necessary steps to divide finances etc etc so that is not a concern .I am seeing a therapist who speaks to a lot of people with BPD and she is very good but I have difficulty articulating to her how I feel.Maybe because I have walked on eggshells for too long or maybe because I am ashamed that I have to have therapy.I don't know.He will never know what he has done to me... .actually that is a lie.He does but he seems to enjoy what he has done to me.I have to have contact but I try to limit it.But even when I am being to the point and cordial he accuses me of being sarcastic and unfeeling re: his feelings.So then I say "well if you want to talk we can".To which I get the response" you know I hate talking".Cannot win.NB.x

[Learning_curve74]

I am seeing a therapist who speaks to a lot of people with BPD and she is very good but I have difficulty articulating to her how I feel.Maybe because I have walked on eggshells for too long or maybe because I am ashamed that I have to have therapy.I don't know.

It is great that you are taking care of yourself by seeing a therapist. It is also ok to feel like it's hard to talk freely to her. That is a common problem. It can take time to develop the trust needed to fully open up because we are afraid to be judged by others, this is a behavior that has been reinforced by the way your ex treated you, which you recognize already (walking on eggshells). I hope you can get past that point because that is when the benefits of therapy start to open up so you can see yourself clearly. Just like pwBPD, we also have to banish denial and shame to heal.

I have to have contact but I try to limit it.But even when I am being to the point and cordial he accuses me of being sarcastic and unfeeling re: his feelings.So then I say "well if you want to talk we can".To which I get the response" you know I hate talking".Cannot win.NB.x

You don't have to win, it's not a game. If you take care of the mundane business just like you would with a business partner you don't like, then you can simply leave and withdraw without adding any drama. His feelings are HIS to own and deal with, they are NOT your responsibility. Somebody has to care about you and look after your well being, right? Why not take care of your needs?

Once you learn not to trust what he says, then you will find it unnecessary to engage in superfluous conversation with him. You can reach this level of detachment, you just have to practice and keep working on it. Best wishes to you.

[Emelie Emelie]

Hi NB - This is seriously crazy stuff.  I'm sure you are at your breaking point.  A Therapist and this board are great but you need your friends.  I hope you can confide in someone.  And seriously consider contacting the police.  Sending you a big hug. 

[MessedWith]

I hope you are recording those phone conversations, you might need them.  Send them to his therapist too along with the pictures.  I am concerned for your safety, it sounds like he has derailed.  What if he loses face at work or loses his job anyway for something not related to you, and then comes blaming you for that too?

I know how you feel being embarrassed about telling people about the more extreme things that he's said/done.  I feel that too about my ex relationship, although, I also think for me its also about the fear that they won't believe me, that I'm just exaggerating, spouting sour grapes.  I wish I had audio evidence of the crazy rages, because she seems quite normal, nice and in control to almost everyone else.