Time does heal some wounds...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I never could have imagined just 4 months ago that I could be in the place I am right now. It's not a perfect place, but it sure is a good place. I have been through hell and my hopefully-STBD uBPD/H put me there. I have made tremendous progress with the help of family, friends, therapy, this site and any other resources I could use. I have learned to keep the negative thoughts from consuming me and replacing them with thoughts of good things. I have to make a conscious effort to do so. I don't want to think about what he has done to me, our kids and our lives. I don't want to worry about every detail of my future. I can only take care of the here or now and tackle things one at a time. I am trying to use my energy (some days I still have very little) for positive things. The nights are still hard, as are the mornings. But the pain, hurt and disappointment isn't what I wake to every morning anymore, just some mornings. Yes, there are mornings when I roll over before my eyes are open (as I had done the 28 years of marriage) to look for him in bed beside me and that makes my heart hurt. But I give myself a pat on the back for all I have overcome. I have been LC for several weeks now mainly because we are still residing together. But I refuse to communicate with him unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary. And guess what? I discovered that there are so few things that are necessary!  Truth is, I don't need him. We are in the process of divorce and that is a messy and expensive process. But I have come to terms with so much. I cannot change anything that I have no control over. He made the choices he made. Now I have made choices too. I have wonderful people in my life who love and care about me. I have two amazing children, S25, D17, who know how much I love them and they love me in return. I have wonderful things to look forward to. When my life fell apart (temporarily, I now realize) in May, I decided that I wanted to take my daughter on a special trip,to visit family and be a part of a truly special occasion. AND I DID!  I went away for 12 days and though it was so hard for me to be excited about it, it was the absolute best thing I could have done for me and her.  We had the time of our lives!  We were with good people who loved us and treated us the way we deserved to be treated. I came back with a newfound energy and the strength I need to make it through the next part of this journey. I look forward to my future!  How bout that?  I could have never said that just a few short months ago!  I am not gloating. I just want everyone out there to know that you can survive; you can have a better life; you can be yourself for once!  I know my battle isn't over and there are times when I am weak. But I have made a choice to not let this horrible thing that has happened to me destroy me.  I dont want to be bitter or angry. I won't let him do that to me. Be strong everyone out there.

[hardhabit2break]

I never could have imagined just 4 months ago that I could be in the place I am right now. It's not a perfect place, but it sure is a good place. I have been through hell and my hopefully-STBD uBPD/H put me there. I have made tremendous progress with the help of family, friends, therapy, this site and any other resources I could use. I have learned to keep the negative thoughts from consuming me and replacing them with thoughts of good things. I have to make a conscious effort to do so. I don't want to think about what he has done to me, our kids and our lives. I don't want to worry about every detail of my future. I can only take care of the here or now and tackle things one at a time. I am trying to use my energy (some days I still have very little) for positive things. The nights are still hard, as are the mornings. But the pain, hurt and disappointment isn't what I wake to every morning anymore, just some mornings. Yes, there are mornings when I roll over before my eyes are open (as I had done the 28 years of marriage) to look for him in bed beside me and that makes my heart hurt. But I give myself a pat on the back for all I have overcome. I have been LC for several weeks now mainly because we are still residing together. But I refuse to communicate with him unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary. And guess what? I discovered that there are so few things that are necessary!  Truth is, I don't need him. We are in the process of divorce and that is a messy and expensive process. But I have come to terms with so much. I cannot change anything that I have no control over. He made the choices he made. Now I have made choices too. I have wonderful people in my life who love and care about me. I have two amazing children, S25, D17, who know how much I love them and they love me in return. I have wonderful things to look forward to. When my life fell apart (temporarily, I now realize) in May, I decided that I wanted to take my daughter on a special trip,to visit family and be a part of a truly special occasion. AND I DID!  I went away for 12 days and though it was so hard for me to be excited about it, it was the absolute best thing I could have done for me and her.  We had the time of our lives!  We were with good people who loved us and treated us the way we deserved to be treated. I came back with a newfound energy and the strength I need to make it through the next part of this journey. I look forward to my future!  How bout that?  I could have never said that just a few short months ago!  I am not gloating. I just want everyone out there to know that you can survive; you can have a better life; you can be yourself for once!  I know my battle isn't over and there are times when I am weak. But I have made a choice to not let this horrible thing that has happened to me destroy me.  I dont want to be bitter or angry. I won't let him do that to me. Be strong everyone out there.

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you for your inspiring post!  Sounds like you've done a lot of hard work and made a lot of progress.  So happy for you!

[heartandwhole]

hardhabit2break,

This is wonderful news!  I'm so glad that you shared with us.  It is inspiring to see how you have grown, and I'm very happy for you.  Your feeling hopeful and that the future is bright is a great example for all of us on the boards.

Thank you for lifting us up today. 

[Learning_curve74]

hardhabit2break, so happy for you to have had such an incredible trip with your daughter that was so life affirming! Good for you! 

And thank you for putting a smile on my face by sharing your story! 

[Aussie0zborn]

That's very inspiring.  Well done and thanks for sharing.

[hardhabit2break]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I have worked hard to get here and have to make constant choices to keep my head in a good place. The hurt is still there, but I can see that one day I will heal. I have decisions to make regarding details of the divorce now, and I know I need to have a clear head to do so. I am somewhat disappointed about a court decision this week that my uBPD/H does not have to vacate our home. I had provided emails and chats of his, clearly proving his involvement in seeking out sadomasochistic relationships (conversations were sick and disgusting) and his affair referencing that same behavior. The court did not see this as an unhealthy environment for our D17. However, it was determined that he had to pay a substantial portion of my legal fees. Small victories!  Recently my D17 shared with me the fact that she had seen his Twitter (which he stupidly did not make private) and she was disgusted and upset with his activity. His "Following" includes many S&M, bondage and fetish feeds. I did not want to share any of this behavior with my children.  This isn't something my daughter needed to know. I couldn't imagine being 17 and having this knowledge about my father.

So, though my battle is far from over, I try to stay positive.  I surround myself with good people. I put my effort where it is most needed and most productive. I have to stop myself from looking at his FB, bank account (spending on his GF), and any other means of knowing what he is doing. Though there is so much I want to say to him, I say nothing. I do this because I know that anything I see or hear will just hurt me. He will manipulate me and lie to me, and get in my head. I don't need that and, more so, I don't deserve that. I read a quote recently which hit home for me.  ":)on't let negative people interfere with your most precious gift: the capacity to love life".  And I do love life... .I always have. I hope everyone out there finds the strength to get through their struggles and see the good in life. I know how bad it can be when we are fighting these battles. Thank you all, my bpdfamily for the constant support and insight. I support you all!