Her Bad Karma

[xPaintedBlackx]

I don't pretend to know anything about Hindu and Buddhist religions but it seemed like whenever my dBPD exgf was treating me wrong and telling boldface lies about serious things, she instantly faced bad Karma.

Example 1: Early on in our "relationship" she lied about how she was spending her day when in actuality she was picking up one of her ex-girlfriends that she was still entertaining who traveled to her city to see her. Result: my gf broke her ankle.

Example 2: For 2 consecutive birthdays of mine (2011 and 2012) I traveled to her city to visit, and BOTH times, she experienced serious car trouble. We're talking blown engines and stuff. Last year, I went through her phone while she was in the shower and saw allllllllll these texts between her and several other people - flirting and exchanging "I love you"s and her sending naughty photos. We ended up having a big blow-up about it and then the next day her truck blew up. I should have taken that as another sign to get out. I did break things off with her for a while but ended up recycling.

Example 3: Last month, after she had been living with me in Ohio for 7 months, she was planning on going back to Georgia to find a job so I wanted to send her out on a good note - even after I suspected something going between her and Instagram-guy that I spoke of in my previous post. Took her shopping, took her to a comedy show to see one of her favorite comedians, and then planned to take her out dancing. On the way to the club, she broke her OTHER ankle. While she was getting admitted into the hospital, I went through her phone (because she seemed to be real panicked about having it in her possession) where I found out the truth between her and Mr. Instagram guy. I foolishly STILL recycled with her after this. I now suspect that she moved down there TO BE WITH Mr. Instagram guy as he was supposed to be trying to buy a house and this likely attracted her; his house purchase has since fallen through.

Example 4: Last Monday 9/9  (as mentioned in my previous post as well), she SWORE to me that she was not going to see Instagram-guy, and when she called me she told me she was on a whole 'nother side of Atlanta when in actuality she was still on Instagram guy's side of town and plotting to see him. An hour after that phone call she got busted for DUI.

There are probably more examples but these are the major ones that stood out to me.

Why NC is in effect now: All last week I was being cordial and answering her calls because I knew she was stuck and felt she "didnt have anyone." I was trying to be a friend and she knew this... .but it only p!ssed her off. By Saturday morning 9/14 she decided to be very evil and text me picture collage that Instagram-guy had made her on his phone watermarked with his nickname for her. All because I won't recycle with her. I got upset and asked her "Why would you do that?"  I knew what she was trying to do and it still hurt but it did not break me. She called and kept saying that what she did was wrong and she shouldn't have done it. At some point we got off the phone in a heated way and I texted her ":)on't call me anymore. Just because I won't come get you doesn't mean I don't love you. That's your selfish thinking and I'm tired of it. Goodbye." She then retaliated by sending me a picture of her and Instagram-guy laying together ... .his head on her chest. I LOST IT! This made me break down and i instantly tried calling her incessantly but I couldn't get through because she still had my number blocked. She called me back a few minutes later and I was hysterical. She just listened with nothing to say... .even ran bath water in the background while my heart shattered in pieces. Through my tears I asked her why and she said "you dont want me. How could that hurt you?" amongst other things. Somehow the call got disconnected shortly after, but I was done. I had already blocked her text messages and calls again. I refused to answer and still have. She tried calling alllllllllllllll Saturday and texted me her apologies below:

[my name redacted]... .I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried to hurt u. my feelings were hurt and I'm sorry I was cruel. I shouldn't have sent that and it was completely wrong because I do love and care about you. please call me so we can talk. Please.

I'm not even in love with him. I wanted to hurt you because you don't want me. Please listen to me one time and I won't bother you. Im sorry from the bot tom of my heart. Please listen

Please! Please call me! I'm freaking out! Please!

Well it worked sweetheart... .to the point where I finally want NOTHING to do with you anymore. That happened on Saturday at 3:30pm and it is now Monday 3:11 pm. She tried to call single time on Sunday morning and has now fallen silent. I have NO desire to contact her at all and every time I feel myself getting weak, I look at that picture of her and Instagram-guy. Yes I saved it to my phone, and I also saved it as her contact photo as a reminder.

Please let me keep this strength.

[Learning_curve74]

Most people generate instant karma because they tend to feel bad about doing bad things or feel good about doing good things, sometimes sooner or sometimes a little later.

I'm sorry xPBx. It's easy to see that you love her, but it also seems that she can't be the person you want to be in a healthy loving relationship with. It sounds like you want somebody that is honest, uninterested in drama, and will be monogamous with you, is that right? Are these "dealbreakers" for you?

When somebody's words aren't backed up by their actions, then their words are lies. If you're through with her, block her from your phone, block her on social media, and have her emails go to trash directly. Don't meet her, don't read her letters. Cold turkey NC is the quickest way to gain distance and time for your detachment and healing to begin.

About "No Contact" from TOOLS: Exiting a BPD relationship. Click through the link for more info that can help you, xPBx.

Before No Contact

1-Determine what you expect to be reciprocated in a healthy relationship and accept nothing less than you are willing to give. List desirable character traits and then, list the traits you do not want in a partner. Be HONEST with yourself.

2-Establish a support group for yourself. This is essential whether it is on-line support, 12-step, or other organizations of experienced people in/from similar circumstances.

3-Consider working with a professional therapist to help with the emotional pain triggered by No Contact. If you  have unfinished childhood trauma-work, you may need professional treatment through the initial pain of No Contact.

4-Educate yourself. Know what to expect. No Contact is likened to withdrawal from an addictive substance. You WILL lie to yourself to get what your body craves: relief  from No Contact... .even if you know it's the wrong thing to do.

5-Make the story of your life as REAL as possible by telling it to others who empathize and yet, do not enmesh themselves in your suffering. See yourself objectively... .like a character in a horror film; but this time, change the outcome. Do Not Open the Door.

6-Listen to your support group. Put yourself in their stories. Despite differing circumstances, gender, social placement, or location, we are far more similar than we are different.

7-Study Magical Thinking, the Cycle of Abuse, Intermittent Reinforcement, the Karpman Drama Triangle, The Betrayal Bond and Stages of Grief. Ask questions of your support group. No question is wrong or too elementary.


During No Contact

1-Focus on your power to create a new life more than the emotional loss triggered by 'letting go' of the old. Use affirmations such as the following:

*"I am creating the life I want rather than reacting to whatever happens."*

2-When we let something go, we replace it with something else. Make a list of everything you've always wanted to do but never had the time.

Now you do.

3-Honor your feelings but accept the fact that your emotions are not reliable right now. Use logic and written journals to keep you 'grounded in reality' and guiding all choices and actions.


WHAT IS NO CONTACT?

*It is best to explain to someone simply and kindly that you do not think it is a good idea for you to keep in contact.  But that's it... .one email, one note.  Validate that this is hard for both of you.  Do this via email or a mailed note.  If they attempt to continue contacting you, either ignore or repeat exactly the same thing (via email or note) but no more than 3 times.  If you are sending them a "final break-up/no contact" note, don't argue, justify, or defend... .just write "It is for the best for both of us."

Then:

No email exchanges

No telephone conversations, texting, or exchanging of voice messages 

No dinner out... .even in the pretense of "friends only"

No asking other people about him or her

No talking about him or her (other than a support group)

No inquiries as to what the N is saying about 'you

*Tell friends who want to tell you about him or her that you don't want to hear anything.

*Don't check out his/her Facebook/Myspace or leave him/her veiled messages on yours

*Don't check out dating sites/profiles or other Internet communities where he/she may be posting

No love notes... .no hate notes... .no somewhere in-between notes

Not even a birthday card (I knew you were wondering about that one... .)

No photo album sob fests

No calling his Mother because you care

No exchange or return on left-behind items if it involves your physical presence

*(Either return stuff immediately right after the break-up... Use a third party and/or mail/deliver the stuff or decide you don't need it.)

No books or movies reminding you of Your Favorite Narcissist

No favorite songs, favorite foods or favorite places connected to the Narcissist

*No drunk dialing... .  This means no or little drinking when you are depressed and sad about the break-up.

Nope.

None of the above.

[bpdspell]

XPaintedBlack,

As the cookie of our BPD relationship crumbles we often get caught up in the bargaining of our feelings by trying out friendship in a situation that has already proven itself toxic. Being friends with an ex requires distance, space and healing... .then... .maybe... .perhaps. But BPD is something entirely different. It is a mental illness and cannot be negotiated in friendship. Our ex's experience the world in an entirely different lens and the likelihood of you ever being on the same page is a snow ball's chance in hell.

From what you write you are still pretty much emotionally attached to her otherwise you wouldn't have reacted to seeing her with "Instagram guy". Like Learning Curve writes no contact is your best bet as you learn how to detach from your ex emotionally. When you don't cut the cord for good you create all kinds of problems for yourself by trying to rationalize with an imbalanced emotionally dsyregulated person.

As for their karma... .I do believe they suffer tremendously for their actions. With BPD comes intense pain. They lose good people. They lose out on love. People don't get them and they are in heavy denial about their state of mind. It's a nasty cycle of idealize, devalue and discard and they're stuck in it.

There is positive karma and negative karma. I've been on the receiving end of both. It's called the boomerang of life; life's circle and rotation.

Spell