Hardest Week Of My Life - BPD wife contacted me

[confusedhubby]

For the last couple of weeks my diagnosed BPD wife and I have been NC. I have custody of the kids but since she has met her new BF and began to idealize him she has shown no interest in me or the kids. Indeed! One day she was telling me I was the most important person in her life and the next day she told me she could no longer talk to me cause her new boy friend of 3 weeks would not approve! FYI We have been married for 14 years with two kids.

Then last week I ran into wife unexpectedly at the grocery store with the kids. It was  completely unexpectedly that my wife runs into us at the Deli counter while we are awaiting our order. I was totally taken by surprise. My oldest daughter (D8) came up to me and said ":)addy it's mommy". Turned around and there she was smiling at us. Looked at her eyes and they were beat red -- a sure sign she was drinking / drunk / drugged up. I calmly turned around and told the girls it was time to leave. We started to walk away. My oldest daughter did not even turn around to look at her mom while we walked away. My youngest daughter (D7) asked "what's wrong with Mommy's eyes" and my oldest daughter replied "she's drunk". 

Took every ounce of strength I had to just walk away. But I knew nothing good would come from seeing and talking to her. As we started to walk I turned back and noticed she was crying a little.

Then as we were leaving the grocery store I noticed she was hanging around her car (parked not far from ours) and awaiting our departure. I put the girls in my car and we drove off. As we were driving I noticed her sitting in the drivers seat of her car and crying.

Two days afterwards I got a bunch of emails from my wife regarding the kids. She wanted to know about there after school activities etc. Today she was texting kids and not getting a response, so she called our house. I picked up the phone without checking the number and was shocked that it was her! She sounded very drunk and wanted to speak with the kids. I politely declined and said kids were outside playing -- her drinking is so bad that letting her speak with kids is never a good thing.

After I hung up I felt horrible. Truth is that I would love it if she could have a relationship with our children and see them regularly. But I know my absolute priority is to protect them. I was having second thoughts abut how I handled our meeting at the grocery store the other day and when I declined to let her speak with kids this morning it just made me feel horrible all over. This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. Being NC is so hard. The saddest part of all this is that I know that tonight is Saturday night so she is out partying / drinking and kids & I are last thing on her mind.   


FYI My wife has two prior convictions for child endangerment / abuse. Under court order she is not allowed to see the children unsupervised. She has caused a great deal of problems & destruction to the kids and I. Last year she attempted to commit suicide in the same room as the children. She has been cheating, lying and serial dating since she was discharged from being involuntarily institutionalized. During this entire time I have tried my best to help her in her addiction and mental illness recovery -- if not for herself then for our kids. But to no avail. About 8 weeks ago she told me she was in love and had not felt this way in 20 years! Until this time she kept on telling me I was her life partner for ever! The new man moved in after 3 weeks of dating. Then she said she had to find herself so she could be there one day in the future for the kids (basically her way of justifying her abandoning us). Painted me blacker than black.  She has a Harvard MBA but said she wanted t make porn films (no kidding) and try prostitution! Began hanging out with heavy drug users... .etc etc etc.

[Lady31]

Oh my goodness!  Your situation sounds so tough.

The trying to commit suicide in front of the kids thing is soo out there.  You are doing what you have to do.  You really DON'T have a choice.  I know it hurts you to have to put that distance there and enforce that boundary, but you are doing the right thing.

I know your heart is breaking.  Mine broke too.  It will get better.  I just signed the final D papers about a month ago.  Surreal.  BUT you know what, I am doing SO GOOD!  Seriously.  It's like God put me in a bubble after all those prayers... .

You're going to come out of all the craziness.  Your heart will mend - I pray quickly.  Life is so much more peaceful and full of life and possibilities on the other side of all that chaos.

Peace to you, and healing.

[heartandwhole]

Confusedhubby,

Your situation is truly heartbreaking, and I can understand why you had second thoughts about your actions at the grocery store.  I think you absolutely did the right thing.  Trying to interact with their mother in the state she is in is damaging to the children - I experienced something like this as a child - and they have been through enough.

It's takes strong man and a loving father to do what you did, especially while grieving the loss of the relationship yourself, and I commend you.  It's so tough, and you are doing really, really well.

The caring you are showing toward your children during this difficult time will not be forgotten by them, I can promise you that.

Keep on doing what you're doing, we're here to cheer you on. 

heart

[confusedhubby]

Hi Lady31.

Thank you for your thoughts and sorry for the delayed reply but I have been very stressed this week.

I know that I will eventually come out of this but while I am still in it, its tough. Having kids makes it even harder than a regular divorce would be.

Do you have kids? Were they affected by your divorce?

[confusedhubby]

Hi Heartandwhole.

Thank you.

I know it takes a strong man to do what I did but I have to tell you that the pain it inflicted on me was substantial. I am trying to be there for my children but it is not easy.

My diagnosed BPD wife has now shacked up with someone after only 3 weeks of dating and recently told me she had to "find herself" so she could be there one day in the future for the girls. This was basically her way of justifying abandoning the kids and I. After only 2 weeks of dating this new BF she told me she was madly in love with him and had not felt this way in 20 years! When I tried to talk some sense into her she told me her new BF would not approve of her talking with me (her husband of 14 years) and denied she was doing anything rash.

Now its been about 8 weeks with him and she seems to be on top of the world (at least from what I have heard). She continues to drink heavily and does not seem to care what she has done to our family. No guilt. No empathy. No remorse. Just a bottle of vodka and a gay old time.

[blurry]

Wow, all I can think of right now is thank god I don't have kids with mine. All 3 of her kids dads have told me how lucky I am that I'm not tied in that way. Heart, all I can say is that id definitely be seeing a professional if I were you, outside expert advice on how to deal with issues such as run-ins like the one at the grocery store.

I wouldn't even know what to do.

[confusedhubby]

Blurry.

Kids add an entirely new dimension to detaching from a relationship with a pwBPD. There is never an entirely clean break.

In my case my stbx is also an alcoholic who has an extensive record of child neglect / abuse so it makes things even worse. Sometimes I don't know what's worse, her addiction or her disorder. It has taken a huge toll on all of us that continues till today. One of my attorneys who has experience in such matters told me that until the kids are in there 20's it will be my job to protect them from there Moms destructive tendencies.