some post-divorce relief, but the drama continues

[thinkingthinking]

Two weeks post-divorce... .I took a few days off work to really let myself relax and try to feel settled, and it has helped.  Started to even feel like I can start thinking about my future. 

But then... .

As I've mentioned before, my younger two kids (12, 18) really never knew whether the divorce was final or what was going on with the legal stuff, and I didn't feel like it was necessary to tell them.  They are trying to get through their first year of Junior High and College, so I don't want any of this to be their issue.  In talking to my exBPDh today, he started crying and saying that he still needed me, he needed the kids, things weren't going well with his job, his knee was injured again, etc. etc. He then went on to say that he wished he could just hide all of his emotions like me, but that he thinks I'm sicker than him if I can do that.  Our 12 yo daughter is supposed to spend time with him this evening, so I asked if he was going to be able to take care of her (since he was sobbing).  He went on to say "yes" he "needed" to see her tonight, he "needed" his family, but that this didn't make him "needy".  When I said that she could "need" him but that he needs to be the parent, he just got more upset saying I could take that from him as well since I already "took everything" from him. 

Hate hate hate being in this situation. She does not need to be the caretaker.  I just got out of being the caretaker. And yet I have this divorce decree saying that she has to spend time with him.   My older two can make a decision about whether or not to spend time with him. She is stuck. 

Would love any suggestions!

[Matt]

Well first I would suggest - what our counselor suggested to me - that you talk with each kid individually - oldest first maybe - and tell them the key stuff, like the divorce being final.  It might be a very simple chat - not a big drama - but focus on how it affects each kid, and give each kid the opportunity to ask questions and to react as she will.

For example, my kids were 9 and 11 when our divorce was final, so that legal event didn't impact them at all.  But when we separated, they had questions like, "Will we still take the same bus to school?" and "Will my teachers know about it?" that I would not have expected.  It was important to get that stuff out in the open so they had the answers they needed.

It will also take power away from your ex.  Keeping secrets - even something like this that you may consider irrelevant to the kids - creates drama and can erode their trust in you.  "Your mom didn't tell you the divorce was final - I wonder why?"  You don't need that.

Also, I would suggest getting your youngest into counseling, so she can deal with a parent who acts like that.  It's pretty likely she is encountering some inappropriate behavior - needy, whiny, dependent, or whatever - maybe even threats of self-harm - who knows what he might say to her.  She needs the strength and tools to deal with him.  A good counselor can help build those.

Finally, I would suggest you consider giving her a phone - I gave my kids phones when we separated - and instructions that she should call you any time if she has any concerns.  You don't have to be specific - "If your dad ever does such-and-such" - just let her know that when she is away from home for any reason, you want her to make sure her phone is charged and turned on, so you can reach her if needed, and that she can call you any time if she needs anything.

If her father tries to interfere in any way - like taking away the phone - you can end the visits and take it up with the court - "I do not believe D12 is safe in his care and I chose to suspend the visits until we can make sure she has a way to reach me if needed."  Worst case, the court will slap your hand for suspending the visits, but you'll get the phone issue resolved - any parent that tries to keep a 12-year-old from calling her mom, there must be some problem.