Sexual intimacy in devaluation.

[Ironmanrises]

How did you guys deal with the sexual intimacy in devaluation?

Did it increase, stay the same, decrease, etc ?

For me, once the devaluation phase was triggered... .

And her slights towards me started... .

I started to want less and less sexual intimacy with my exUBPDgf.

She would begin to demand it from me.

Literally tell me... . "You need to ___ me."... . Sorry for my vulgar terminology(i dont mean to offend anyone on here, apologies if i have)... .

She would repeat this to me.

This while she would begin putting me down.

This while criticizing everything i was doing, not doing.

Even told me, "why do you breathe like that on the phone?"... .

(Actually told me that same exact line in round 1 of relationship in devaluation phase)

Mind you, i was not breathing any different then before... .

When she told me that... . further highlighted for me that she is ill.

With every trip i made to go see her(5 hours by bus)... .

It got to the point where i would not get sexual with her.

I couldnt.

Her transformation into that other side... . the mean side... .

Killed my libido. Literally.

She is incredibly beautiful. Sexy.

A dark skinned latina woman.

I would not have sex with her.

She would launch all these missiles at me... .

And then tell me, "i dont turn you on?"... .

I would look at her and ask her, ":)o you not hear what you just said to me prior to that?"... . In reference to her put downs/criticisms.

Her response, "so you are not going to have sex with me?"... .

I would close my eyes.

And feel my mind implode.

How can i get through to her?

She is deaf to my words.

She has a mental illness.

A mental illness that seems to eat my words before they reach her brain for processing.

When the discard came... .

One of the things she threw in my face for leaving... .

"I didnt know you were going to stop ___ing me."... .

Yes. While i was destroying wave after wave of inbound missiles she launched at me... .

and i was no longer able to destroy them.

Once they started ripping right through me... .

I was supposed to have been the most intimate with her.

No link at all as to why i stopped being sexually intimate with her.

None.

Saddens me.

There was nothing i could have done to change the outcome of that.

At all.

I still have trouble digesting all of this.

[bpdspell]

Ironmanfalls,

Sex with a mentally ill person eventually becomes an emotionally devastating experience when you realize that it's not evolving to the desirable place of vulnerability and intimacy.

In the beginning idealization and mirroring made sex bonded us with powerful connection. But as our relationship imploded sex became mechanical, perfunctory and all about his needs and entitlement. It went from what I believed was shared love to pure objectification and its really painful when you realize that something's amiss and that getting on the same page is as difficult as jumping through a circus ring on fire.

Being devalued in sex is a living nightmare. It's demoralizing, dispiriting, and such a let down of what was a pure fantasy of everlasting love.

Spell

[Ironmanrises]

BPDspell,

Well stated.

She constantly emphasized the word "need" when she would tell me "you need to ___ me"... .

It dawned on me at that point that i was like an object for her.

That made me feel so used.

Ravaged.

When you liken it as a living nightmare... . Yes. I agree.

All of this.

Demoralizing.

All of it echoes throughout me.

[Violista]

My ex was incredibly physically attractive, possibly the most attractive guy I've ever been with, and at first my sex drive for him was incredibly high. I felt really sexually passionate about him, partly because he was so good-looking and partly because of the emotional feelings I had for him. I was literally jumping out of my skin with how much I wanted him at the start... . you would think a lot of guys would want this, but he began to criticize me over it. He started frequently accusing me of only wanting him for sex/ for his looks and not really caring about him. He started calling me a nympho and told me to control myself. It was all pretty painful because my sexual feelings for him were very closely linked to my emotions, and the reason I wanted him so much was because I really liked him. So, to feel so much emotional and physical passion for someone and then be pushed away and told to control yourself ... . that was hard. I was really disappointed. It also got really exhausting trying to explain to him over and over that I wasn't using him for sex and that the reason I wanted so much sex with him was because I had feelings for him. I would explain this repeatedly, and try to make him feel more secure with me, then some time later be once again accused of using him for sex.

He began to kill my libido, partly with his nympho comments, partly with his negative comments about my body, and then also with other critical comments he made about me. I began to resent him for the ways in which he hurt me, but couldnt' talk to him about it because he'd deny there was a problem or get angry... . it was sometimes hard to enjoy sleeping with someone I had all this hidden resentment towards.

He wasn't always very understanding about my sexual needs. Once I told him that I don't like 69 that much, because I prefer to either fully focus on giving or receiving pleasure than do a half-assed job at both, he somehow translated this into me being selfish and not liking to give. He would also sometimes interrupt intimate loving moments with insensitive comments. One time he woke me in the morning with a lot of kisses, got me excited, I thought we were having a beautiful romantic moment, until he interrupted all the romance with "you smell, go have a shower and we'll continue"... . by the time I'd had the shower he was busy sitting on his computer for 40 minutes ignoring me. So... . sometimes he made me feel really sexually unwanted. Within a few weeks my sexual attitude towards him went from very high lust passion and excitement and heaps of emotion, to disappointment, hurt, a bit of boredom and kind of meh.

We also had a problem with contraception... . he would regularly pressure me to skip using a condom. I wasn't on hormonal contraception due to teh side effects, and didn't want to have unprotected sex. So he would tell me that sex with a condom was boring, and make me feel like he wasn't enjoying sex with me, which hurt. Once he actually pulled the condom off in the middle of sex and didn't tell me. I was completely shocked and disturbed that someone would do that.

I reached a point where I couldn't believe I was with the most attractive guy on the planet and yet I was bored in bed with him. Part of it was familiarity and the novelty of the relationship wearing off, but all his critical and hurtful comments and the trouble I had connecting with him didn't help.

Yet now that we've broken up, I'm finding myself lusting after him a lot again... . maybe I just want what I can't have.

[Ironmanrises]

Violista,

How incredibly hurtful that must have been for you to go through.

I am so sorry.

The reversals you describe... . are very damaging to the psyche.

Our minds are processing two opposing feelings coming from the closest person to us.

We arent designed to do that.

We arent supposed to be processing that.

No one is.

It is hurtful beyond words.

I know what you mean by how exhausting it was trying to explain it to your SO.

Drains the little energy you have remaining that is already being drained by everything else that is going on in that kind of relationship.

I consider myself a good communicator.

There is no communicating with someone in devaluation with that disorder.

None of my words ever made it through.

That too further defeated me.

[Mutt]

You articulate well OP and you pretty well nailed it for me. Although the sex was amazing and often in my idealization phase, I eventually lost my sexual desire and libido for my wife. Devaluation, blaming, critisizing, circular arguments, rages, lying  got to me. She would never apologize but would complain "Mutt it's been such and such long since we haven't had sex!" It was incredibly difficult for me to do it because of the hateful person beside me in bed. Had she stopped fighting, or make-up sex or something, I would of had interest. Such a blow to the psyche and self esteem when she was telling family and friends in her smear campaign how long we didn't have sex. She projected it unto me. But she didn't have a problem with seeking sexual pleasures and fulfilment outside of the marriage.

[seeking balance]

Ironman,

You have started quite a few threads focused on how devalued you felt and how much you are struggling.   Do you want to keep venting and replaying each way she hurt you and get validation from others or would you like us to work with you on refocusing your energy towards perhaps rebuilding your self worth and your mood.

I recall in another thread the mood gym was mentioned for you... . how is that working out.

When I was hurt and focused on the really hurtful things my ex did, the ruminations seemed to take on its own energy.  I found when I started being mindful to change my thoughts, I was able to focus on healing.

Have you read up on DBT?  The skills are really helpful for PTSD and grief also.

What can we help you with ironman?

[charred]

Ironmanfalls,

Sex with a mentally ill person eventually becomes an emotionally devastating experience when you realize that it's not evolving to the desirable place of vulnerability and intimacy.

In the beginning idealization and mirroring made sex bonded us with powerful connection. But as our relationship imploded sex became mechanical, perfunctory and all about his needs and entitlement. It went from what I believed was shared love to pure objectification and its really painful when you realize that something's amiss and that getting on the same page is as difficult as jumping through a circus ring on fire.

Being devalued in sex is a living nightmare. It's demoralizing, dispiriting, and such a let down of what was a pure fantasy of everlasting love.

Spell

Very well put... couldn't agree more. Spent  over 20 years wanting to be back with my pwBPD... then got her and was happy as a clam for a while... then slowly the reality of the situation began to set in and once I fully realized she was disordered... and more specifically was emotionally arrested at the level of young kid...  it was very demoralizing.

I hadn't seen her in over 2 decades, had no idea what to expect... and was ready for about anything... and I came through the door and she grabbed me, kissed me and led me to the bedroom... . was so lost in a flood of emotions I just went along... that was how the second time around started...   Now I see how many    I ignored, how disordered she is and I feel like my illusion that she was my soul mate... was so twisted... I have to have issues... . feel ashamed of hurting my family, failing to see her disorder till she pointed it out. :'(

Seeing her panic when her attempts to still use sex as a way to control me later... kind of chilled me to the bone. Its hard to describe to someone that hasn't experienced it... hope most people never do.  

[Ironmanrises]

Mutt,

I can imagine how hurtful that must have been.

The projections only add to the chaos.

Awful.

I am so sorry.

Seeking,

I do tend to ruminate.

I know it is unhealthy.

It is my way of trying to make sense of this.

I did start the moodgym... . Its different.

I never read up on DBT in detail (i do know its a therapy used to help those with this disorder)... .

What can you help me with?

Just by listening.

I have to do the rest.

I do feel invalidated... . my venting of this... . is how much it has seeped throughout me.

 

[seeking balance]

What do you want?

Vent & ruminate - it has a place if that is where you want and need to be.

When you are ready to try changing your thoughts there are tools to practice... . dbt is not just for BPD... . it is about mindfulness and changing thought patterns.

Do you have a t you work with?

Tell me more about mood gym ... . what do you mean by different ?

[Emelie Emelie]

My ex would happily continue to have a sexual relationship with me... . of the "no strings attached" variety.  He's brought it up several times and I unwisely did sleep with him once two weeks after the break up.  I ignore his "if you ever want to get laid you know where to find me" texts but they hurt.  It hurts to think he could have a sexual relationship with me and have no desire to have an emotional relationship with me. 

[Violista]

Ironman

Yes he did hurt me a lot with it in the beginning, when I still had a lot of passion for him, the disappointment of seeing it wouldn't be matched was awful. For a while I was putting up with getting a lot less sex than I wanted to accommodate him, and scared to suggest that I wanted more, fearing that if I said something he would either reject me or again accuse me of only using him for sex.

After a while my libido started to drop, and he became a little more secure that i wasn't using him, although he would still sometimes bring it up, so we began to be a bit more on the same page sexually... . We still had a lot of sex that I enjoyed, it's not like we had a terrible sex life for most of our relationship, but I am disappointed because I rarely feel the level of passion for someone that I did for him and I think our sexual relationship could have been totally explosive, rather than just decent.

[Ironmanrises]

Seeking,

My artwork is what helped me cope with the after effects of her leaving me the first time.

It was what helped me stay in the here and now.

Going through this experience twice now has significantly damaged me.

Tainted me.

So much so that my primary(honestly my only) coping mechanism, my artwork... .

Has been compromised.

The mood gym is different in that I never tried anything like that before.

I don't have a t.

Can't afford one.

Do I need one?

Yes.

[Ironmanrises]

Emelie,

That is really awful of him to expect a sexual relationship minus an emotional one.

I can definitely imagine how hurtful that is.

I am really sorry you had to come across that.

Makes you feel like an object to be used... . Which is really painful... . I can certainly relate to you on that.

So much carnage in the wake.

Saddens me.


Violista,

The reversals and projections combined are really hurtful to endure.

It's like being attacked from two different positions constantly.

You can only defend one at a time.

It wears you down after a while.

Which further compounds matters... .

Then other things begin to get through your defenses... .

Which further wears you down.

Like a cascading reaction.

The hurt multiples.

All of this... . from the very person you invested yourself in.

That is what it felt like for me.

I shutdown after that.

[frustrated b/f]

Reading these stories really helps me cope with my own situation. My uBPD g/f and I have only had sex twice in the last 8 months. Even though she is easily one of the most attractive woman I've ever been with, I have ZERO sexual attraction for her. Before realizing what was happening, I went so far as to question my own sexuality. I didn't understand that the way I was being treated effected my attraction towards her.

To me, there is no point being intimate when I'm just going to get hurt later.

She tells me that her needs aren't being met, so she does not put any effort into satisfying my own needs; both domestic and family needs. Which in turn, is why I do not feel close to her.

We've been in N/C for the last month, and I'm hoping this part of my life will just fade away :'(

[Mutt]

Before realizing what was happening, I went so far as to question my own sexuality. I didn't understand that the way I was being treated effected my attraction towards her.

I feel for you. I was starting to question mine too. She was questioning mine and was having her friends and family question me about my sexuality when she painted me black. Someone else here had said this line and it stuck with me.

sex or no sex. I was still committed.

That's how I view it for myself. It wasn't about my sexuality.

[blurry]

 Weird thing with me, we had sex 13 times in 9 nights last fall, I still remember cause the physical end of our relationship was in complete overdrive and we had been talking about how we couldn't get enough of each other. Day ten, I get a text at work, "I never loved you, this was a huge mistake, I'm going back with my ex.

I'm completely 100% blindsided and devastated, and confused would be an understatement. Three weeks later (a week of me pleading with her and being told to "stfu" followed by 2 weeks NC) she calls me up with the typical line of bs " I can't breathe without you, you're the love of my life, I need you to move back here" ect. The real kicker, and this is where I was sure she had some empathy and remorse, "how can anyone treat the love of her life with such complete and utter disregard?" Then as she picks me up a week later, she tells me "I was so nervous coming to get you, after how horribly I treated you, I expected you would never forgive me and maybe you would just spit in my face and tell me to turn around and go home".

Anyway, as it pertains to sex, mind you she did sleep with the ex during the breakup, you would think I would be the one less inclined to have sex, but I wanted to pick up where we left off before the break. Guess who's suddenly avoiding sex? Her, 3 times in 3 weeks after I move back in... . well rinse and repeat that cycle again 2 months later, this time with a stranger off the internet.

So finally, by the spring and summer, any women who've been on dating websites know, your spending the majority of time on the websites sorting through pictures of naked guys, penises, and sexual advances, so by now, all I'm picturing half the time while we are together, or even now as were broken up, is her happly sorting through all these naked pics deciding which guy she's gonna bang next. Kinda killed my sex drive during the last couple recycles.

And one thing we all know, promiscuous and BPD are synonymous, so there's no reason for me to believe she was on the website like a lady looking for a nice wholesome relationship where the guys gonna court her for months before she allows the gentleman to have sex with her.

What a wonderful marrige it is when your partner gives you perfectly good reason to say and think these horrible things about her, really is a sad thing.

[Violista]

I don't know if youre right that BPD and promiscuous are always synonymous... .

My BPD ex has slept with fewer people than me, isn't really into one night stands or casual sex, seems more inclined to be in serious long-term relationships, and I found him not to be sexual ENOUGH with me. I wanted it more often than he did. If anything, it was MY promiscuity that caused problems between us when I first met him and before we started dating properly. He was the one demanding commitment and monogamy, I wasn't sure at the start. He always seems to want to be monogamous and with just one person and I've never really suspected that he could cheat.

Having said that... .several days after our breakup I was already hearing that he was interested in/ seeing someone new. And he has once in the past left me FOR someone else, and then started seeing me again pretty quickly after he broke up with her.

[Jbt857]

I met my BPDh in an LDR. At first, the sex was pretty good. He was, and remains, the most handsome guy. Gorgeous.

I hoped when he came to live with me, we'd get that emotional connection during sex, to match the passion that was there. That intimacy. Where you share a look in a room full of people and its so sexually changed it should be illegal. You know. Connected.

It never happened. The more he devalued me, the less I wanted sex with him. That, and the fact I was working crazy hours, commuting a long way to work and frequently abroad on business to give us the lifestyle he expected didn't help.

After 3.5 years of marriage I caught him cheating online. My fault of course.

It never got better, put it that way.

Towards the end, he would demand sex, and if I refused, he'd scream at me that he was going to find someone who would, take off his wedding ring and stay out all night.

He simply couldn't ever understand that I needed to feel loved and valued to want to have sex with him. In his mind, if I gave him the sex(love/affection/money/whatever was on the agenda that day), I'd get the love I wanted from him. He simply couldn't take responsibility for why I didn't want to have sex with him.

[Ironmanrises]

I met my BPDh in an LDR. At first, the sex was pretty good. He was, and remains, the most handsome guy. Gorgeous.

I hoped when he came to live with me, we'd get that emotional connection during sex, to match the passion that was there. That intimacy. Where you share a look in a room full of people and its so sexually changed it should be illegal. You know. Connected.

It never happened. The more he devalued me, the less I wanted sex with him. That, and the fact I was working crazy hours, commuting a long way to work and frequently abroad on business to give us the lifestyle he expected didn't help.

After 3.5 years of marriage I caught him cheating online. My fault of course.

It never got better, put it that way.

Towards the end, he would demand sex, and if I refused, he'd scream at me that he was going to find someone who would, take off his wedding ring and stay out all night.

He simply couldn't ever understand that I needed to feel loved and valued to want to have sex with him. In his mind, if I gave him the sex(love/affection/money/whatever was on the agenda that day), I'd get the love I wanted from him. He simply couldn't take responsibility for why I didn't want to have sex with him.

In bold.

I know exactly how you feel.

My exUBPDgf was pretty crass and blunt when it came to sex.

I never had any woman prior to her demand sex from me.

I literally was an object with a penis to her to be ravaged.

[Jbt857]

Yep, it wasn't about love or intimacy. I was just an orifice for him to relieve his tension.

What a turn on. No wonder I didn't feel like it most of the time.

[downandin]

You articulate well OP and you pretty well nailed it for me. Although the sex was amazing and often in my idealization phase, I eventually lost my sexual desire and libido for my wife. Devaluation, blaming, critisizing, circular arguments, rages, lying  got to me. She would never apologize but would complain "Mutt it's been such and such long since we haven't had sex!" It was incredibly difficult for me to do it because of the hateful person beside me in bed. Had she stopped fighting, or make-up sex or something, I would of had interest. Such a blow to the psyche and self esteem when she was telling family and friends in her smear campaign how long we didn't have sex. She projected it unto me.

Exactly the same here, and exactly why she is now saying she wants to separate.  I will say things like "I just need to talk to you and we might can work things out,"  and she will say "we've talked about it for years."  I'll say, "I need you to be more caring and affectionate," and she'll say "I'm sorry I'm just not a good enough lover for you!"  

She has asked me if I'm gay, smeared me with friends by telling them I 'can't get it up' and even told our youngest adolescent son who is having a lot of anxiety about his own sexuality, that "dad can't do it."  

How can anyone when they are treated this way!

[Ironmanrises]

You articulate well OP and you pretty well nailed it for me. Although the sex was amazing and often in my idealization phase, I eventually lost my sexual desire and libido for my wife. Devaluation, blaming, critisizing, circular arguments, rages, lying  got to me. She would never apologize but would complain "Mutt it's been such and such long since we haven't had sex!" It was incredibly difficult for me to do it because of the hateful person beside me in bed. Had she stopped fighting, or make-up sex or something, I would of had interest. Such a blow to the psyche and self esteem when she was telling family and friends in her smear campaign how long we didn't have sex. She projected it unto me. But she didn't have a problem with seeking sexual pleasures and fulfilment outside of the marriage.

Exactly the same here, and exactly why she is now saying she wants to separate.  I will say things like "I just need to talk to you and we might can work things out,"  and she will say "we've talked about it for years."  I'll say, "I need you to be more caring and affectionate," and she'll say "I'm sorry I'm just not a good enough lover for you!" 

She has asked me if I'm gay, smeared me with friends by telling them I 'can't get it up' and even told our youngest adolescent son who is having a lot of anxiety about his own sexuality, that "dad can't do it." 

How can anyone when they are treated this way!

I am so sorry you and the others on here experienced this too.

I can imagine my exUBPDgf smeared me with calling me gay to others too.

If this is true... .It hurts.

But nothing i can do about it... .

Other then make sure to keep that person away from me.

[jeph128]

I understand about the intimacy decreasing.  It's difficult to want to be intimate, vulnerable, loving, sexy or whatever with a person who has devalued you, criticized constantly, you have been subject to their whims etc.  My wife does not get it either.  She has also used 'bed' time when I have been ready for sex and affection to turn on me verbally and totally verbally demean me.  How can I want to be intimate when I don't trust her at all and have many years of bad memories and scars.  We got very close to splitting a few weeks ago.  Of course, she did a 180 and started telling me how wonderful I am etc.  She now is trying to initiate closeness.  Honestly, when she touches me I feel like running away.  I put off leaving because of the financial issues of divorce - she now is saying we have a good life and is talking about a recommitment ceremony, restarting our sex life - she is demanding that and I don't want to touch her. She is away on a 2 week vacation and I'm having a great life. 

[Ironmanrises]

I understand about the intimacy decreasing.  It's difficult to want to be intimate, vulnerable, loving, sexy or whatever with a person who has devalued you, criticized constantly, you have been subject to their whims etc.  My wife does not get it either.  She has also used 'bed' time when I have been ready for sex and affection to turn on me verbally and totally verbally demean me.  How can I want to be intimate when I don't trust her at all and have many years of bad memories and scars.  We got very close to splitting a few weeks ago.  Of course, she did a 180 and started telling me how wonderful I am etc.  She now is trying to initiate closeness.  Honestly, when she touches me I feel like running away.  I put off leaving because of the financial issues of divorce - she now is saying we have a good life and is talking about a recommitment ceremony, restarting our sex life - she is demanding that and I don't want to touch her. She is away on a 2 week vacation and I'm having a great life. 

I can understand how that would feel.

In bold.

Says everything.

[frustrated b/f]

She is away on a 2 week vacation and I'm having a great life. 

I remember feeling so relieved when she was out of the house. I also remember packing up and leaving the family room for the confines of my office when I heard the garage door.

Now that I think about it, she reminded me a lot of my father growing up. I remember always feeling scared about what he would blow up about next.

[Jbt857]

She is away on a 2 week vacation and I'm having a great life. 

I remember feeling so relieved when she was out of the house. I also remember packing up and leaving the family room for the confines of my office when I heard the garage door.

Now that I think about it, she reminded me a lot of my father growing up. I remember always feeling scared about what he would blow up about next.

Towards the end, all the time was like that, whether he was here or not. Just knowing he was coming back caused a knot in my stomach. I literally spent the first two weeks that he left unravelling all that stress. It was such a relief. It's the whole walking on eggshells/control thing. I'm sure they sense it, but I'm pretty sure they get some kick out of knowing they are capable of having that effect on you.

[Clearmind]

A few facts:

Sexual intimacy does not exist in a BPD/non relationship – why? Because a Borderline fears intimacy and the partner of the BPD usually has their own issues with intimacy, and being with emotionally available people.

A person who has no issues with sexual intimacy will not choose a Borderline. Intimacy is built over time, sex happens in an instant! How soon did you have sex with your ex maybe a good question to ponder.

Sex is used to self soothe, self regulate and is a validation tool for both Borderlines and their partners.

Have sex with a Borderline quickly and they know how loose your boundaries actually are! Bingo, a person with loose bounadries and no limits is the perfect partner for a Borderline. Why is that?

_____hit


Ironman, it may help to start to look at the reasons why YOU have such a hard time with the “devaluation” part of the relationship break up - opposed to why she did the things she did. We cannot ever know the fine details or even begin to assume why they do the things they do – we could spend a lifetime wondering.

Venting is OK, however unhealthy venting or co-ruminating with others, going by scientific evidence... .that co-ruminating actually leads to depression and anxiety – it does not lead to problem solving or detachment. So we are trying to help you here!

In my 2.5 years here on the board I have seen members come and go. Some move onto looking at their stuff and some don’t. The key here is to really find linkages to childhood stuff. The answers lie there not in pulling apart their behavior - we cannot control anyone's behavior accept our own.

So, the main concern you do seem to have is why she devalued you. Let us answer that first - knowing what we do about BPD in general – you became the perpetrator to her fears of engulfment and intimacy – she could not soothe herself like you can so she casts blame on anyone close. She abandoned herself and the union not you.

Now, as to why you feel so hurt by her devaluing you – there could be a few reasons and maybe you can share which ones resonate with you and if we have even hit the mark (otherwise see No. 16):

1.   you believe the things she said about you to you

2.   you feel like you are the one to blame for the demise of the relationship

3.   you feel hurt that you could not have done more to help her get over her BPD

4.   you could not set boundaries with her over her devaluing you because you felt if you spoke up – she would simply leave you

5.   you were accustomed to being a care taker because you played the role of the “little parent” as a child

6.   you were accustomed to not take of your needs because your primary care givers did not provide you with the space to be you, have needs and respect boundaries

7.   you feel its your duty to care take others rather than meet your own needs first

8.   The idealization phase was so intoxicating you felt like you had the found the one person who truly understands you

9.   You though love was enough and that all will be OK in your relationship if you just went along with it all without being assertive

10.   You do not enjoy your own company

11.   You get bored easily

12.   You feel lonely

13.   Before you your met your ex life seemed dull

14.   Your home life when you were a child was drama filled and chaotic

15.   You have trouble meeting people and opening up to others

16.   Other…….feel free to fill in any other options