Can you even take a BPD family member seriously?

[femaleopard]

My mom has BPD. She has had it for years. I've posted on here once before only but it was within the past few weeks. Anyway, my point is, can you even take a person with it seriously? Should I allow the things my mother says to me affect me? Today she told me I'm not her daughter, that she doesn't know what I am. (She was mad at me for close to no reason) She says hurtful things left and right all the time, and then apologizes, or forgets. She steals from her family members, makes up lies, steals money from my dad, abuses over the counter allergy pills and over the counter pain relievers. She has always had an addictive personality and the police come here MORE than several times a year. Our human services department refuses to see her after all the times of abusing her prescriptions over and over. Father doesnt have health insurance.

[Pilate]

  femaleleopard!

Your post really shows what a caring daughter you are and how frustrating it is when your desire to help gets turned around in unexpected and hurtful ways.

You asked, "can you even take a person with it seriously?" I think part of the answer is yes. You can take their actions and behaviors as serious indicators of mental illness and the emotional pain that a person with undiagnosed or untreated BPD has on an ongoing basis. If your mom has been diagnosed with BPD and she has not undergone intense (meaning for years) therapy for help with her illness, then her coping mechanisms--saying  hurtful things to you and abusing OTC medications--are going to be maladpative and make things worse for her and everyone who interacts with her.

You also asked, "Should I allow the things my mother says to me affect me?" This is difficult because while we would like the mean things that people say to us not have an affect, the truth is that mean and cruel words hurt us and this is especially true when a parent says it to a child--no matter how old the parent or the child. I'm sorry that your mom has said and continues to say hurtful things to and about you. Saying that you are not her daughter is a terrible thing for a child of any age to hear, and I'm sorry that you experienced that.

Do you have access to a counselor that you can talk to about the emotional abuse that you have experienced? This is one way to work on dealing with your mom's verbally and emotionally abusive comments.

Another item could be to work on your values-based boundaries. This is hard and takes a lot of practice and willingness to experience the fact that it is not intended to make everybody feel good. It's intended to protect yourself and show compassion for the illness.  She probably won't respond well as you begin to establish values-based boundaries, but the point is to take care of yourself--get out of the conversation and you can validate her feelings in the process even if the reasons for her feelings are totally illogical--we all have feelings whether or not they make sense is another issue. You don't have to validate the invalid--you are not a bad daughter--but you could validate that she feels sad or angry--and then remove yourself to protect yourself. Again, this is so hard to do when you have been conditioned to experience and take abuse. This board is a wonderful community, and I hope there are supportive people in your life who can help you right now, too.

I hope you are doing okay. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Keep posting!

Pilate

[Clearmind]

I think with anyone we need to really look at the actions and accept what they show us rather than what they tell us.

FL, other family members need to set their own boundaries with Mom if she is stealing from them – we don’t need to involve ourselves in all that drama.

Should you allow the things she says affect you? Well they are your emotions and she is your mother. On the flipside once we accept and understand BPD we can move towards accepting that they don’t mean what they say – its projection! 99% of my role is healing myself from childhood wounds and why the words impact me - rather than saving my BPD from themselves.

Pilate asked a good question about therapy.

When she says hurtful things what do you do, say?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi femaleopard,

Welcome!   I wanted to join the others in welcoming you.

Anyway, my point is, can you even take a person with it seriously? Should I allow the things my mother says to me affect me?

Your mother said some things that would hurt most people.   I know it's tough. To answer your questions, keep in mind that someone with BPD may be more likely to say/do things out of anger or fear than someone who doesn't have BPD.

Whether or not you allow your mother's words to affect you is up to you. It's so, so hard to brush off comments like  your mother's, but Clearmind and Pilate have made excellent points. It's only human to want your mother's love and affection.

[zone out]

femaleopard

When my mother is in one of her rages she calls me some choice names, accuses me of all sorts including being the reason 'she is like she is' - I questioned her on that but all she could come up with was some rubbish about my father wanting to put me in an institution, implying she was the good cop!  I don't know what to think but I would be leaning towards the opinion that they are just lashing out with the most hurtful things that come into their head at any given time.

I can also relate to your comment how your mum can get mad at you for close to no reason.  My mother usually has an external (close to no reason) trigger and then she turns on me.  If I am not there with her she must literally rush to the phone to vent.  I don't really take the crazy things she comes out with to heart, but what really does freak me out is the shouting and screeching - even the sound of the phone ringing is enough to trigger an adrenaline rush. 

Does your mother have periods when she acts relatively normally?   

This site is very good - instead of dwelling on scary confrontations with mother, I get on the site and read lots of archive posts.  It really helps.

All best wishes to you

Zone out