LfMS
I think it's great that you are reading up on boundaries and looking for ways to be in relationship with your sister that you obviously love and care about a great deal.
In addition to boundaries, have you read anything about radical acceptance or non violent communication either on this site or elsewhere? These might help you in thinking about your relationship, your values, and how you can create boundaries for your well being.
I thought of these two items in particular when I read this part of your post
I feel like pulling my hair out when she contacts me to do something like that because I feel like, without talking about what has been going on I cannot do small talk anymore.
She just wants to pretend nothing has happened but I have realised that if I keep pretending she hasn't acted like a complete psycho the past year, that I am going to have to admit MYSELF to the loony bin. ;S
In your post, I am hearing the understandable need for your sister to validate your hurt and your feelings because of her behavior that is a result of her mental illness. Do you think this is a possibility?
It's understandable that we want the family members we love who have hurt us to apologize for their actions and acknowledge our hurt just like we do when we do hurt others. However, if your sister is undiagnosed or not in therapy, as someone who is untreated and mentally ill, she is not capable of doing this in a way that makes sense to you.
She might be pretending everything is fine because she is terrified of your rejection and deeply ashamed of who she is, and she is trying to appear like someone acceptable to you. She might not remember the events as you do because when feelings are facts, her perception and memory of events are often very different from yours. She might even have rewritten her facts in her mind to eliminate anything ever happened--that she did anything wrong--and because of her illness, she would
feel her version was her truth as well as should be your truth.
If your sister has BPD, it could be that you might need to alter your expectations of your sister or of your relationship with her because your sister is ill. She won't be able to change her behaviors without intensive and ongoing therapy.
This forum is a great place to get some of the validation we can't get from untreated and undiagnosed family members, which might help in some ways to keep you from feeling like you have to be admitted to a "loony bin." Seeking validation from friends and other family can be helpful, too.
We can work on ourselves and learn new ways of communicating and being in relationship with someone who is mentally ill. It isn't easy and it requires a lot from us to take care of our emotional needs without any expectation of our loved one with BPD reciprocating at all, or on a regular basis, or in a way that we particularly want.
It stinks. It's hard. It doesn't seem fair that we have to work on ourselves when so often someone with uBPD/BPD seems to not have to do anything.
I came here trying to figure out what I could do to make my uBPD sister-in-law change. Now, after a number of years, I realize that I continue to come here to learn how to work more on myself, which has had an impact in almost every relationship in my life in ways I never could have expected when I first joined here. It's still hard. It still stinks sometimes. But I have found the information about radical acceptance, non violent communication, values, and boundaries invaluable.
Pilate
