Question for Those Living With Their SO

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am currently in a highly recycled relationship with a woman uBPD.  In the past she has expressed wanting a life with me - long story as to why... .

I read the posts here and can't help but think - oh my, do I even want to sign up for THAT?  I know she is working with a life coach at the moment and I have seen growth in her BUT the disengaging still happens - at the same rate and pattern as before.  I think about what it would be like if I did see her every day - would there be days she would be in my presence and just not talk to me?  I have never had a relationship like that ... .anyone I've lived with were always interactive and steady. 

If I cannot see a future in this... .then what am I doing?  Its so hard to walk away - when she tells me I am the love of her life, and that I am the one person in the world she truly trusts... .The guilt is horrible... .

Any advice from those who have taken this to the next level? 

[bauers220]

I am currently in a highly recycled relationship with a woman uBPD.  In the past she has expressed wanting a life with me - long story as to why... .

I read the posts here and can't help but think - oh my, do I even want to sign up for THAT?  I know she is working with a life coach at the moment and I have seen growth in her BUT the disengaging still happens - at the same rate and pattern as before.  I think about what it would be like if I did see her every day - would there be days she would be in my presence and just not talk to me?  I have never had a relationship like that ... .anyone I've lived with were always interactive and steady. 

If I cannot see a future in this... .then what am I doing?  Its so hard to walk away - when she tells me I am the love of her life, and that I am the one person in the world she truly trusts... .The guilt is horrible... .

Any advice from those who have taken this to the next level? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[toomanyeggshells]

My uBPDbf and I have lived together for 4 years.  None of his BPD behavior was evident to me before we lived together.  Its like a switch flipped the day we moved in.  For the last at least 3-1/2 years, I've wished I never moved in with him.  Maybe things would have been okay if we'd continued to date but live apart.  Who knows?  This sounds crazy, but I really wish he would have raged at me a few times when we dated, maybe showed me some of his obsessive jealousy or abusive behavior, because I can guarantee you that I would never have bought a house with him.  I would have run and never looked back.

Now, we own a house together (a house I put $30,000 into for us to buy) so I hesitate to walk away. 

If you live together, be prepared to live a completely different life than you'd expect.  You'll need the patience of a saint and more mental toughness than you ever thought you had.  I've ready plenty of stories here about things working out or getting better.  I can't speak to that, unfortunately. 

Good luck to you. 

[anystar]

I can really relate to where you are, bauers220. I was in the same position of "should I or should I DEFINITELY not?" move in with my uBPDx only last year. after a lot of deliberation I decided yeah, I'll give it a shot, we're been through so much together and it's worth trying, if it doesn't work then I'll leave, etc. ALL THE WHILE knowing it was incredibly risky and would probably end badly.

it started AND ended badly. it became routine to scream at me or name call. the good parts were really good but then there were outbursts, silent treatment, withholding sex, etc. basically, living with him meant I was always there for him to love or hurt. he controlled my emotions with his and I began to eventually exhibit classic abuse-victim traits (going out of my way to ensure he won't be triggered out of fear for myself, keeping the worst of what he said/did a secret from my loved ones, feeling panicked if I did something 'wrong' and he could find out, doubting my perceptions of the world/our relationship). it was maddening and isolating and confusing and just really, really sad.

I know how heart wrenching it is to hear that your uBPD loves and trusts and needs you more than anyone. the guilt and obligation alone were enough to make me stay for the entire lease. I would never tell anyone else what to do in this situation, but I urge you to read more on this board before you commit to continuing your highly recycled relationship in a shared, semi-permanent space. good luck to you!

[bauers220]

Thank you!  I really need to hear this stuff.  Right now she has disengaged - and I decided to test the waters to see how disengaged she really is... .sent a FB message to say hello - she read it - was time stamped and then the time stamp disappeared a few mins later - meaning she marked it as unread - so she is flat out IGNORING me... .and for what reason?  we were fine - chatting earlier in the week... .friendly exchange Wednesday... .now I am ignored. 

I'm exhausted - not up for what is coming... .cause next I will be asking what in the world is wrong... .

If I stay silent my anxiety gets bad - I have not had enough therapy to know how to deal with that.

Sigh... .

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi bauers220

I'm one of the Stayers who have been living with my dBPDbf for 3 years now and is not going anywhere in the foreseeable future. When in a relationship with someone with BPD it's up to us to be the emotional leader. It's not for everyone and that's ok. Yes, there are easier relationships out there. On the other hand, there are also tools and techniques you can use to both take care of your own well being and have an improved relationship with our partner. It's a personal choice in the end.

An excellent perspective piece on being in a relationship with a person with BPD is this workshop: The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

[bauers220]

Hi bauers220

I'm one of the Stayers who have been living with my dBPDbf for 3 years now and is not going anywhere in the foreseeable future. When in a relationship with someone with BPD it's up to us to be the emotional leader. It's not for everyone and that's ok. Yes, there are easier relationships out there. On the other hand, there are also tools and techniques you can use to both take care of your own well being and have an improved relationship with our partner. It's a personal choice in the end.

An excellent perspective piece on being in a relationship with a person with BPD is this workshop: The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

THANK YOU!  This workshop looks amazing.  Knowing what I mean to her, knowing what she has said in regard to that - and the love I already have for her... .I do have to be honest with myself - I am probably in this for the long haul.  I am in therapy and so far its going well... .I plan to stay with it - looks like I'll be needing it.

[SeekerofTruth]

If I may, when we did live together... .things got worse.  yup, there are the no-contact days with the implication of u having messed up while things are brewing, stewing, and festering underneath.  Those can be the quiet days.

You've mentioned guilt.  You sound very sincere and from the heart in asking your question from a position of innocence.

Guilt is spelled with a capital "G".  It is the third letter in "F.O.G"

[bauers220]

If I may, when we did live together... .things got worse.  yup, there are the no-contact days with the implication of u having messed up while things are brewing, stewing, and festering underneath.  Those can be the quiet days.

You've mentioned guilt.  You sound very sincere and from the heart in asking your question from a position of innocence.

Guilt is spelled with a capital "G".  It is the third letter in "F.O.G"

Thank you - I get so torn.  I don't know if I am strong enough for more... .She's already disengaged - we had SMALL words today - she did answer me when I asked how she was.  She asked how I was and I was just as short with my answer.  Told her to have a good weekend - so at least she knows I am aware of the space she is asking without asking. 

I don't see us living together any time soon as we are both still married to our husbands - but it has come up before.  I really don't know WHY I even continue with this... .I never had a relationship like this - my marriage has been normal... .

[Iolair]

I've been with my BPDbf now for 8 years, we've lived together for 7 of those years. Sure it's hard sometimes. But it's also wonderful sometimes (most of the time!). I guess every pwBPD is an individual, and it really depends a lot on the individual in question. I know that things were harder for me when we first lived together, but over time I've learned more about him and how to respond better to his mood swings. We make a good team. So I'm in the staying crowd. But I won't ever tell you it's always a walk in the park!

[SeekerofTruth]

I really don't know WHY I even continue with this... .

If i may, respectfully,... .you sound confused.

I'm glad that you found us and are making a sincere inquiry.  A lot of us have some other issues we may not be aware of that gets triggered and re-enacted, for whatever reason... .which on some level imo is connected to unconscious self-sabotage.  Sounds sexy, heh?  NOT!  

Some of the more common themes others as well as my self share, relate to something called codependency (a term I never heard of before), or being a rescuer-hero-romantic kind of personality structure, or being a genuine caregiver that finds us getting hooked onto to something that's not emotional healthy for us, and we naturally try to make things better (which with each iteration of BS) begins to erode our sense of self.  The connection can be profound and intimate which is like a drug.  I also have an addictive personality and some narrcisitic traits in which I took her on as my "project" in terms of giving her my best, cheerleading, being in her corner, and helping her make very significant career achievements (she is very high functioning in that regard, which further confused me), while at the same time losing sight and connection to my inner self, goals, and focus... .expecting a degree of mutuality and validation (which became like thirsting for water in a parched dessert)... .And that's sorta the thing.  By the time i realized how far the imbalance in power structure became in our marriage and i was dealing with a very highly passive-aggressive who was  in essence working against me, rather than with me... .i still thought i could make things better, hurting myself further in the process.  So there is also a low self-esteem thing going on that I had covered up with overachievement.  When that vulnerability gets used against you... .its akin to an abusive parent to a child in some regard.  So within my family of origin, there was some massive dysfunction.

Unbeknownst to me... .like an abused child who is naturally confused... .the child still loves the abusive parent and begins to internalize some responsibility for the STUFF (which further down closer to the core is a tinge of a shame based self for me) as a result of internalizing some things about myself as a kid, that i carried with me into adulthood... .until i found "The One", which in turn brought up all my weaknesses, as i regressed from being a Lion, to a Mouse... .and then to a Moth, like a moth to flame in re-enacting a trauma bond (maybe to subconsciously try to master it and deal with it more effectively this time). 

Honestly, it is okay to be confused.  It is good if you are confused if that is where you are at.  Be patient.

But imo, confusion is a red flag in terms of proceeding further.  :)o you think you deserve better?  Think about it.  :)o you believe you deserve  having peace of mind, and a sense of clarity bout things and where things are headed... .or do underlying emotions such as Fear or Obligation or Guilt... .add to the fog and confusion?   Have you ignored red flags before?  One of the most frustrating things in terms of having a sense of consistency and clarity is when things go off course, and you seek clarification... .you encounter something called circularity.  It's a real Beaatch cus you'll be going around in circles on the smallest irrelevant details that don't make sense in which your energy and power gets drained in something i refer to as a Mindf... .k.  I know there are tools available to deal with this... .but holy begeemos batman, where might i be 5 years from now if my energy and commitment to my future get re-directed elsewhere in contrast to managing my relationship with BPD.

On the leaving board, there are some pretty insightful people who have shared great personal insights in terms of taking responsibility for how they got into what they got into it before knowing what they got into.  Kinda like had i known then, what i know now... .i would have protected my self.  And as a child i did not know how to protect myself... .and as an adult as well... .which has to do with a whole nother chunk of stuff referring to boundaries, as in having healthy boundaries.  Emphasis on "healthy".

Bottom line in my experience:  once we moved in the drama and conflict escalated rapidly and exponentially and it threw me. Prior to that she adored and loved me so much and i was her BFF.  And then the shat hit the pan and the pan almost hit me in the head, after she threw away a wooden spoon a few days after we had some stupid argument (passive - aggressive, and if you confront... .oh goodness, watch out) about how to prepare a meal we were cooking.  But i digress.  We dated for about 6 years prior, off-and on, and "recycled" over 10 times.  Moving into together did not improve things.  Things got way worse way fast, and then they got better again, and so on... .

On the top of these boards, they have these floating quotes from experts in the field and they are really really good.  The one about, emotionally mature and healthy couples might experience a break-up and get back together, a time or two... .but after that, multiple recycles are a red flag.

YOur situation sounds complicated and not easy.  I geuss the final thing I would add, is if the BPD is in treatment specifically addressing BPD and her relationship with you, maybe just maybe.  If not, yikes.  Mine ran circles around our marriage counselor.  It sucked in that regard and became really frustrating because i thought we would improve things, never realizing whatever influence, power and control over things in the relationship I thought i had or we were working toward... .was an illusion, a fantasy.

So that's my bias.  Mine is a tale of caution and not a "happy end" even though i gave it my best, over and over again.  I still have some yearning and pining and forgetfulness about how surreal it all was.

Take care and best wishes to you as well as her, regardless of how you negotiate your future, apart or not.

[Montana]

I wish my uBPDh would have rounds of not talking to me. The only time he does it is if he is out getting drunk or doing drugs. Then he won't answer the phone or call unless he needs something! I wish I would of known what I know now. I would of ran! But I'm staying and trying my best to figure out how to improve things. My SO has meds and alcohol anti craving meds that he is refusing to take so its making everything harder right now! I wish you luck!

[bauers220]

I really don't know WHY I even continue with this... .

If i may, respectfully,... .you sound confused.

I'm glad that you found us and are making a sincere inquiry.  A lot of us have some other issues we may not be aware of that gets triggered and re-enacted, for whatever reason... .which on some level imo is connected to unconscious self-sabotage.  Sounds sexy, heh?  NOT!  

Confused would be an understatement... .hence my presence here.  I came here a few weeks ago when I hit BOTTOM.  I landed in therapy the same week.  The split that time came on the heels of a conversation my mentor pushed me to have with her.  We both have been working with this same person - I have been with the mentor/coach since January - my SO since July.  Mentor is in NO way skilled in BPD - she does hold a degree in psychology but is most spiritually based... .looking within when there are issues or conflict arising - not looking at the other person.  It has done me a world of good but alas - I outgrew the modality and sought something more meat and potatoes - more of a holistic approach that does not interfere with my spiritual approach but also a place I can feel heard about my SO's antics.

From my observation over the last 2 years - she IS very high functioning.  The back and forth with me stems from the core issue of her struggle with her sexuality, being married, and hiding where her heart landed.  Now I am not excusing it - I am just saying it has exaggerated the symptoms.  The fights she has described to me between her and her dh have lead me to believe this man walks on eggshells.  If she were to work her way through her issues of sexuality and decide she wanted to stand up and be with me - at this point I would be frightened.  I have never lived in a home where I would be facing days of being ignored - or volitile fighting. 

You mentioned re-creating from the past.  YES!  After reading a book on transference - I realized what I was doing.  I am attached to her as my abuser - and those feelings of being powerless were all too apparent.  At this point - now that she has disengaged me once again - I am stepping back a bit to really look at this part.  She has also brought forth many issues from my childhood - from my mother, to my childhood love... .there is nothing this relationship has not done to surface old habits, hurts and fears.  I once said she was my greatest teacher in life and as such - the most important person I've ever met.  HOWEVER - does that mean happily ever after together?  I am thinking maybe not. 

The statistics frighten me.  Could therapy work for her BPD once she has worked through her sexuality issues?  Or will she not work through them because of BPD?  All I know is - I have begun to stop basing my life on what she is doing.  I have made strides to strengthen myself, my family and yes even my marriage to my wonderful, understanding and incredible husband.  He has known of this whole thing - has had his heart broken at times watching it... .and he is still here hoping I will get better and chose the life I had before she ever walked into it.

The romance and intimacy with her is what hooked me - and brings me back EVERY time.  Talk about a DRUG!  I have never known anything like it.  But as deep, loving and raw as it can be - the flip side is cold, indifferent, silent and distant... .there is no warm middle - if there is it lasts a couple days and I know warm always comes before cold... .

Silence now from her - so I proceed with me... .working on me.  Therapy Monday - thank GOD!