Unbearable suffering

[leafar]

Hi, I live in Mexico City. Aged 47 years, I have cared for my BPD mother three decades ago. She tried to commit suicide three times and spent some months in an institution. Now she is 76 years old and is partially disabled. She is suffering an accute psychotic episode and I do not know what to do. Public hospitals in my country are in very bad conditions. There are very few private pyschiatric hospitals for the mentally ill, very very expensive. She rejects the change of medication and is particularly agressive. In my country there are not support groups for families. This situation is an unbearable suffering, since I have to manage the problem at home. I don’t have any more relatives. I am in three different therapies but the recommendation is always the same: stay away from that person. What can I do?

[Surnia]

Hi leafar

and 

So sorry to hear about your very difficult situation. 

Good you are reaching out for support. Its really hard to have a burden like yours alone on your shoulders.

Can you tell us a bit more of her acute crisis? What is she doing when she is psychotic?

What about the doctor which is prescripting her the actual medication?

Please keep in touch, leafar!

Surnia

[P.F.Change]

  ¡Hola y bienvenido!

It sounds like you are feeling obligated and stuck. Perhaps private care is not affordable but it seems there is not much you can do for your mother on your own. Your well-being is important too. Do you have any religious support that might be able to offer help? Perhaps an attorney might open some alternatives to you. Is assigning her a legal guardian an option where you live? It is important to look after yourself.

I hope you'll stay and look around. There are a lot of us with parents who have BPD, and many helpful resources as well.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[leafar]

Hi, and thanks for your answer; it is great to be in touch with you. The option of the legal attorney is not available in this country. As for the religious support, I am catholic, I pray every day and sometimes I also visit the church. The doctor came earlier this day, and told me that she is not really pyschotic, she is only more aggresive with me, trying to make me loose my balance. What does she do? She cries and screams all the day through, she is tough and rough, she is verbally abusive  and sometimes she has tried to hit me. On the other hand, she can have a normal conduct with other people. In recent times she wakes me up in the middle of the night without reason. I remain sleepless 1-2 hours. She is also very aggresive with the house maid, a kind girl who helps me on a daily basis. The past week she fired her twice, but she decided to remain with me. The doctor prescribed me a higher dose of the antidepressant I use and extra sessions of psychotherapy. He tried to prescribe her a low dose of an antipsychotic drug, but she was completely reluctant to the change of medication. On the other hand I made a full research of public mental institutions in Mexico City. There are very few and take patients for very short terms (about 2-3) weeks. I feel sad and tired. Please write soon.

[Surnia]

Hi leafar

What about a short stay for her in the psych clinic?

If she is crying and screaming the whole day and even hit you... .

This could give you at least a break.

I would recommend also to read through the LESSONS here. Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships.

Part of this are the TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth.

There are communication tools which can help us make things better.

Its important that you start to look for yourself too. Joining here is a great first step! 

[Calsun]

Hi Leafar,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  Your heading, unbearable suffering, spoke to me as much as anything that you wrote.  I understand the feeling of unbearable suffering.  My mother is an uBPD.  She was unbearable.  She was violent, verbally abusive, had what were probably psychotic episodes.  She never got help.  She walked around the house saying, Jesus pray for me, with such desperation, such unutterable pain, and there was nothing anyone could do for her to alleviate that pain... .except to take it on themselves and live in the pain with her.  Which I did all of my life, feeling always an inner sorrow.  My mother's disease sought to destroy her and the people around her.

I don't feel like I am in a position to advise you, and others can offer you more tangible interventional options.  But one of the things that helped me was Alanon/ACOA.  It is not on point for a person who has a BPD parent, but it is very helpful, because the same dynamic in relationship with alcoholics applies to people who care for a person with BPD.  That they are suffering from a terrible disease, and that family members and loved ones need to establish boundaries, both psychological and physical, to protect themselves from taking on the disease themselves.  I once heard an extremely poignant and moving share from a woman whose father was a terribly destructive alcoholic.  He literally was in the gutter, and this woman would pick him up and bring him home and try to care for him repeatedly.  It affected her health and well-being to such a degree that finally getting emotional support, she realized that she could not do it anymore, that she had to save herself or she would go down with him.  With great fear and sorrow, torn inside, she literally chose to leave him in the gutter because she believed that his disease would destroy her.

I'm not suggesting that you leave your mother, but these are painful choices for our own salvation that we must take into consideration, and sometimes the situations become so extreme that the unthinkable becomes necessary.  It runs against the nature of things to not be there for a sick mother, as it runs against the nature of things for a BPD mother to abuse her children.  That is our struggle with BPD mothers, and this is what they exploit in their disease.  The "unbreakable" bond between a mother and her children.  But when the abuse is unbearable, it is the abuse from the BPD mother that has broken the bond, and in our need for safety and emotional and mental health, we can opt to acknowledge that. No matter what others may think, what society may think and what our mothers might say,  we have a right to our own safety, well-being, health, peace and happiness, something our own BPD mothers were never really in their disease, able to be see as our inalienable right.  

Calsun

[leafar]

Hi Calsun, thanks for sharing your experience with me in your careful detailed message that enlightened many relevant issues for me. I agree with you in each and every assertion, but there is a practical issue I am not able to manage. My mother is old and disabled. If I don’t care she there is nobody else to do that: we have no relatives and the social security is very poor in this horrible country. OK, she has broken the bond and I don’t feel really involved with her but what can I do? In Mexico abandoning the elderly is a crime and they could end their days literally living in the streets. This country is tragic in many ways. As you can see the situation really seems a dead end. I have two different psychotherapists and have also joined a group therapy. I am taking some prescription antidepressants and feel a little bit better, but I know that they are just palliatives to manage my suffering, not the solution. Do the other members of the group have any recommendation? With warmth regards, Rafael

[zone out]

Oh Leafar - I feel so sorry for you.  I know what it is like to cope alone with an elderly (u)BPD with health issues - but it seems from your post, you have your mother living with you so you are on duty 24/7.  The raging anger combined with the crying and 'woe is me' is just totally draining.  My mother also can act completely normally with other people and intermittently with me, of course it doesn't last.  I jump every time the phone rings and have to brace myself prior to my frequent visits but at least I am fortunate to be able to get some space between us - although she lives in my head way too much.  Do you think the low dose antipsychotic drug which the doctor suggested could be smuggled in with some of her meds for the other health issues?

Waking you up during the night for no reason is very unfair and just another type of manipulation and control - your health is under enough threat with the stress without adding lack of sleep to the dynamic.  There is lots of information on this site with regard to setting boundaries.  At the very least, if I was you, I would make sure she did not get an opportunity to close her eyes for a nap during the day... .perhaps that doctor could prescribe something to help her sleep during the night.  Make sure she realizes that after a disturbed night you are exhausted and will not be available to cater for her needs during the day.

Keep reading and posting - use the search facility and above all know that you are not alone, so many of us have such similar experiences.  One further point - have you ever considered arranging for the Priest to visit and  pray with her.

All best wishes to you

Zone out

[leafar]

Dear Zone Out,

I deeply thank you for your advice. In the night she takes almost 8 sleeping pills. "If I don’t take them I will not sleep and you also will not sleep” she says. Unfortunately she has became addicted to benzos. As for the religious help, a close friend of us, a catholic priest, calls her every day and ask her to leave me in peace. She has managed to manipulate also this man of god. After the confession she says: I’m not guilty, God has forgiven me. Days ahead the aggressions start again. Every time I try to set boundaries she reacts very bad. She is always menacing me with new suicide attempts: "one day or another you will find me in a pool of blood", she says, but unfortunately I can’t do anything more to control the potential danger. The situation gets more complicated when she suffers minor health issues. She calls the doctors 20-30 times a day. In a month she called one of them 900 times. This is the actual situation and today I lived one of the worst days of my life. We had a discussion and I said her: I don’t love you, I just help you by charity; so stop abusing me verbally. She walked towards the staircase and menaced me with to throw her down the stairs. I cried and she said: if you cry I will not eat or take my medicine. Smuggling the drug is difficult: she analyzes every pill I give her, and the treatment is more complicated than that: she should gradually leave benzos ans begin with the antipsychotic. She rejects such a change. (By the way, I spend a fortune in her treatment). How have you managed the situation with your mother? At this moment I am suffering a deep personal crisis, losing my hope and I don’t even want to get up in the mornings. Aditionally, some friends react in unexpected ways. I had a close relationship (just friedship) with a young trainer who visited me every other day. Whe he discovered the deep problem I live he never came back. He asked me for radical solutions that are equally cruel and unethical: your mother should be permanently sedated. When I didn’t agree with him, our friendship was finished. He said me: "If you want me to smell hit in order to show you my friendship, it’s ok, I will do it." Some people believe that I suffer the problem because I am not cunning or intelligent enough or because I love suffering. I hope you understand that’s not true. An additional question for the group: Are BPD patients just sick people or there is involved an element of pure evil? With confidence and warmth regards, Rafael.

[leafar]

The deleted word is "excrement".

[Calsun]

Hi Leafar,

Yes, my mother was sick.  But there were aspects of my uBPD's mother behavior that felt like pure evil.  It was this desire to destroy, to wantonly hurt, to take advantage of vulnerability, especially in someone as vulnerable as a child.  Yes, it felt like something demonic in my mother.  It's not fashionable or enlightened to use the word evil, but it really was evil. To frustrate and destroy at every turn, to prevent joy and life from growing in her own children, to try to stop their lives from bearing fruit in so many ways.  Yes, evil.

Calsun

[zone out]

Leafar

It is so difficult but the one thing that has helped me is joining this site and feeling that you are not alone - that so many people are going through degrees of the same horror.  By using the search facility with carefully selected words I have read lots and lots of very relevant archive posts, articles etc.  I have a much better understanding of the BPD condition - until 3 months ago I have never even heard about BPD, I thought I was the only one in the country dealing with this craziness.  And yes, I would have been very careful regarding what I shared with friends with the exception of one who has known me all my life.

Armed with my new found knowledge I have started to think of my mother more as a project, rather than one of my closest relatives.  It has helped me to emotionally detach from the situation - to a degree.  I know it sounds odd but I sort of go into autopilot now (like I am acting in a play) when she is in one of her rages - no reasoning, or pleading - neither work.  Better not to show emotion - by keeping things quiet and level, it is harder for them to draw you in and they are more likely to run out of steam.  It is worth studying SET on this site, I haven't yet mastered the art of validation.

I too have had difficulties with boundaries - they are hard nuts to crack.  Again there is lots of help on this site - the senior members are really helpful.

All this "lying in a pool of blood" is manipulation.  My mother uses the "how will you live with the knowledge that you have killed your mother" - to be honest I just let it run off me.  I find she usually throws it in as a parting shot when she perhaps has felt she has not 'got to me' sufficiently. It definitely helps when you gain a sort of understanding of what is going on in their mind, which I have now got from this site.

I know people consider me too placid in my dealings with mother - you have to deal with these situations as best you can, I would like to see them try!

I used to worry about the possibility that she was possessed - her voice completely changes during the rages, its like you are dealing with two different people.  But I am now convinced it is the BPD condition - very similar to a toddler having a very bad tantrum only much much worse.

Keep reading and posting, all best wishes to you.

Zone out

[dharmagems]

Leafar,

I have so much compassion for your situation.  You are not alone.  I am only giving advise it's only your option to follow.  Please try to focus on what you can control.  You can still be responsible of what you can only control. Please try to focus on YOURSELF.  Focus on your spiritual work in regards to you, yourself, alone.  Try to personally separate yourself with your mother.  If you can't physically, still you can emotionally and spiritually disengage with her.  I know this is not easy work, but it is my advise to lessen your pain.  You can't control what she says to you or anyone else any longer.  Give it up.  Look up ALANON and CODA 12 steps groups and information.  Keep going to groups in your area, or form one.  Keep on this forum and talking to us and getting support here.  You will learn how to cope with your situation.  Sending much support to you.

[leafar]

Hi Dharmagems, thanks for your message I desperately need support these days. Today and yesterday count among the most terrible days in my life. My mother was very aggresive with me and fired the housemaid, a nice girl that means very much for me. She even called the police accusing me of stealing her documents. She told me that she regretted that I was born. I tried to take her to the hospital but I found all the doors closed: the private clinics are very expensive and the public hospitals have a very very bad attention and she was not admitted.  Her condition is worsening every day and I am deeply depressed. I am afraid of the future. I am in therapy and also use antidepressants, but things just don’t work. The expenses are growing and I don’t have time to work. It is really a crisis, some friends are helping me but some others are indifferent. I spend the whole day at home (where I work). When I go a moment outside the provisional carers are calling me two or three times. I can’t go to the gym or even to the supermarket. Please write me when you can.

[dharmagems]

Leafar, We all understand what you are going through.  You have so much support here on the website.  Again, I am giving advice and opinion and you don't have to take it.  Please do not give away your power to this condition.  It is taking you under. 

Here are some suggestions to help clear your mind:

What healthy, rewarding, relaxing and challenging thing that doesn't involve her you like to do that you have control?  Can you ask yourself that?  Start writing it down.  Then, can you take some time to try it and do it?  Have you wanted to improve on something you already started? 

Take some time to care give to yourself.  I am only suggesting to do something that you don't tell no one and give it to yourself.  Do you like to do yoga, walking in the park, going to a spa, playing a musical instrument, singing in a choir, dancing ballroom, caring for a pet, biking on a path, listening to music, taking hot showers?  Do you need more sleep?  Try to get good sleep and see how the next day feels. 

Focus some time on connecting to your mind and body and spirit.  Keep us informed.

Much warmth and support,

  dharmagems

[zone out]

Hi Leafar,

I just want to echo what Dharmagems is saying - we do understand that you are having a very bad time and we want to reach out to you and give you our support - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

That is good advice from Dharmagems - taking some time to do something for yourself, even if you only have the time to focus on something small - baby steps.

When you are feeling really anxious it helps to try a few deep breathing exercise.  Very often when we are stressed we take shallow breaths and it makes us feel worse - to check if you are shallow breathing, stand in front of the a and take a deep breath - if your shoulders move up you are shallow breathing.

It only takes a few minutes - get out of earshot from your mother, sit on a couch - feet flat on the floor, eyes closed.  Breathe in deep into your lungs to a slow count of 3 and out again to 3.  Almost immediately you feel calmer.  This has got me out of a anxiety crisis on several occasions.

Keep posting, let us know how you are doing.

Best wishes

Zone out

[zone out]

Zone out here again

Left out of previous post "stand in front of mirror"

Oops