Jealousy Rages

[BackinBlack]

I don't really know if this is the right place to be posting... .but, I have been dating a uBPDbf for 3 years. The real trouble began when we talked about our past relationships.  Seeing that I didn't know about his intense jealousy issues, I was honest about my past.  Bad idea.  Not that I have a bad past, mind you... .but BOY does he seem to think so!

3 years later and I'm still trying to justify my past usually every month or so.  He seems to go off on me (rages usually via text) about any past relationships.  There's not much rhyme or reason to who he's ticked off about at the moment (for whatever reasons).  It's always out of the blue and always a different person that he's upset about.  I have a child from a previous relationship, which is a constant problem for him.  He doesn't want me to even talk to her father, which is impossible. 

It's always amazing to me that he uses this against me because there's absolutely NOTHING I can do to change my past.  I sometimes think he's using it as a way to justify whatever he's doing behind my back (or maybe his paranoia is catching).  I never thought I'd be having to justify myself all the time about things that are not even in the present any longer.  He makes them a present day problem. I've never cheated on him and never even thought about it.

I guess my question is how do you deal with the jealousy over issues that are in the past?  How do you manage that?  I'm being called horrible, horrible names.  Talked to like trash.  The abuse is escalating and I'm ready to just throw in the towel and be done with it.

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[Stamp]

I'm new and probably can't offer much advice, except to say that I've been in the same situation and it's tough.  When she's raging I try to block out the words and observe her the way I'd observe an animal who was lashing out (I'm a professional animal trainer), and when I can do that, what I see is a very frightened being who has completely lost control and is lashing out using any weapon at hand.  It's really hard to maintain that sort of objective view when the words are so vile and hate filled, and I often come up short and end up getting upset, arguing back, etc. but the times when I don't are the times when the situation resolves the fastest.

I hope that someone with more experience will be able to help you more than I can.

[BackinBlack]

Thanks for response, Stamp.  I feel like a punching bag most of the time.  It's been worse, though.  I'd rather have it via text than in person.  I've only witnessed one rage in person and it was very traumatic. 

[peas]

My exBPD guy was hung up on the serious r/s I had before I met him. I was with a man for four years, we lived together, but things didn't work out, end of story. The previous boyfriend and I were not in love anymore, we were both okay moving on, etc. -- so basically there should have been nothing for my exBPDbf to worry about.

Nope. My ex went into a few jealous rages about the previous boyfriend. He told me to never contact him, the guy was an a-hole, etc. I thought it was a big boundary buster that my ex insisted I never contact the previous guy. Also, the previous boyfriend moved several states away, AND we had been broken up over a year. There was zero threat to the r/s with the BPD guy. Anyway, one time my previous boyfriend sent me a package of my items that he accidentally took with him when he moved out and he had neglected to send to me earlier. My BPD guy at the time was at my apartment while I was at work and saw the package delivery. Cue jealous anger. He thought me and the previous guy were maintaining some kind of relationship and he would not and could not see things for what they were: the previous guy simply returning a few things to me. Namely, books that I noticed were missing in my collection that I wanted back.

[BackinBlack]

He always thinks I'm still talking somehow to these guys.  The only one I actually communicate with (and not that often) is  the father of my child.  And, honestly, I talk to his wife more than him.

It doesn't take anything really to set him off.  He could have a bad dream and suddenly, I'm cheating on him with someone from my past.  Facebook was a nightmare discussion for a long time.  I deleted anyone that I'd ever dated (even very casually).  I didn't really maintain a friendship with any of them, they were just on my FB.

He's had me blocked from FB for 2.5 years.  Kind of sad when I'm his GF, huh?  I feel like an idiot for even admitting that.  I've actually seen some of the posts from other girls on his FB and let's just say he's the one acting single.

I'm starting to convince myself that I just can't do this anymore.  It's painful every single time I have to endure his wrath and THEN he just acts like nothing happened.  How dare I actually still be upset! 

[peas]

Facebook was a nightmare discussion for a long time. I deleted anyone that I'd ever dated (even very casually). I didn't really maintain a friendship with any of them, they were just on my FB.

He's had me blocked from FB for 2.5 years.  Kind of sad when I'm his GF, huh? ... .I've actually seen some of the posts from other girls on his FB and let's just say he's the one acting single.

Oh yes, Facebook triggered drama all the time with my exBPD guy. He was always unfriending or blocking me on Facebook after a breakup. It got to be a joke and we decided to stay unconnected on FB, which really upset me.

He hated looking at my Facebook page. I think it threatened him on a deep level. One of my friends had a good theory about that behavior. She said he probably didn't like to see my Facebook activity because he couldn't control how I used it.

And like your boyfriend, my ex acted single on Facebook. There was zero evidence he was in a r/s with me. There were no pictures of us, no updates about doing things with me, and he had a bunch of single women "friends" on there that he refused to talk about. I got so upset once when I saw him yet again friending a hot chick -- I was standing next to him and I glanced over at him just as he was accepting a friend request -- and I confronted him about it. I was sick of him keeping those things from me. Why couldn't we just be FB friends like a normal couple? A big fight ensued about how I am jealous, how his FB is none of my business and he can connect with all the hot chicks he wants and I'm not invited. I'm certain he was carrying on flirtations if not outright cheating on me with these women while we were together.

Yeah, the end of our r/s came two weeks after I confronted him about his Facebook women and that it bothered me. He had been doing everything he could to push me away and after another fight I walked out of his house and he broke up with me the next day for good. That was three months ago and other than a few nasty texts to each other right after the breakup, we are both NC for the past 2.5 months.

Also, I was able to block him first on FB after the breakup. I knew he would try to do it but I played his game and did it first. Then I unblocked him a couple weeks later because I wanted to check up on him, and he blocked me back. Doh! I knew I should not have unblocked him, but I was curious. Since then I have not attempted to look him up online at all. I don' want to know anything about his life. It would be too hard for me, especially if I found out he's in another r/s.

[daylily]

Hi BackinBlack,

Great name, by the way.  Very appropriate.   

I think the key on this issue is having a boundary with regard to the subject matter.  You can just say something like: "I love you and I am devoted to you.  I do not have feelings for anyone in my past.  I will not discuss this issue with you anymore."  Not angrily, very calmly.  Then, if it comes up again, say the same thing and if he persists, leave the room, don't text back, say you have to get off the phone, etc.  He will try to up the ante and get you really riled up ("extinction burst" in the lessons on the right), but you have to stand your ground.  Pretty soon, he will accept that this subject is off limits and that you won't participate in the conversation if he brings it up.

  Daylily

[j4c]

I think the main reason I only lasted a few months with my uexBPDgf was down to her jealousy. I am quite an honest chap so when asked about previous relationships etc, I had no problem telling her about my past. Little did I know this was gonna kick start months of arguments. Some of it I've since found out to be projection, as in, after w'ed only been dating a week, accusing me of having a certain girl there as a 'back up' if things didn't work out with her, but all the time she had at least 2 guys there as her own sneaky back up plan!

I cant fathom out how shes managed to have relationships that have lasted over 2 years but I suppose the less she knows about someones past the less she has to stress about. With me she knew too much & she simply couldn't handle it.

Emotional maturity on a par with a 3 or 4 year old girl, very sad but this is the disorder.

[Vindi]

YES, set firm boundaries of what you will accept and wont' accept. He may have a long time to stop his jealousy, and know that the relationship will not get healthier the more he gets jealous.

Walk into another room calmly if he rages and let him know you need a time out and space ... .or if he texts you, tell him you dont want to speak with him if he acts in a "raging" manner.

Your child is so important and the childs dad will be in the picture (as a father) for a long long time, and you bf needs to accept that and not that you are in a physical or loving relationship with the father of

your child.

I wish you luck.

[BackinBlack]

I've been handling this all wrong.  I should have been adamant from the get-go that I just wouldn't discuss it.  Validate him and set firm boundaries.   I guess there were times that I did do that, but I've always wanted to justify/explain myself.  It's JUST like dealing with a child, isn't it?  I'm not consistent and so, now he's out of control. 

I just don't honestly know how anyone handles this kind of relationship for a long period of time.  I've only been in this relationship for 3 years and I feel like it's slowly destroying pieces of me.

If I were honest with myself, I'd face the fact that I need to work on myself.  It's just easier to focus on someone else, huh?  It's a great way to avoid looking at problems within ourselves.  Of course, I know what attracts me to him and I know that my history (family) is a lot of that reason.  Broken attracts broken.

I know I'm the only one that can change.  I can't force him into getting help.  He only swears to counseling when I'm ready to walk... .and even then, it's only couples counseling.  From what I've read, that won't help him or us.

The truth is I do love this man very much.  I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him (even though he's wishy washy about reciprocating that feeling).

I'm just so tired of it all.  I can either accept him for him (all of it) or I can leave.  I'm realizing I'll never love enough to make him secure.  Sigh.