so needy... a never-ending cycle

[Viso]

It's coming again... .all over again.

I just dont understand why BPDs always so so so needy and controlling.

Because I didn't do things in his way and didn't tell him I love him for a day (because I was really upset for him making a scene in the public for forgetting to give him a tshirt and told my son I was scolding him and my son kept yelling "BAD MOMMY, go stand at the corner", he said I am mean to him. Only time I am nice to him is when he gets super upset (and gives me silent treatment), then it only last a few weeks.

I used all techniques to communicate with BPD on him and works well. Until  one thing that I forgot to do for him and crashes. I didn't want to argue with him last night... .instead I wrote him a letter this morning about my feelings and the truth to how he treats me on his good days and his moody days. A stupid move... .of course he doesn't care a bit about my feelings. All he rumbles on is about how I never listened to his advice and that's why I am a failure and I don't admit and make changes. He said I am doing everything for the kids and around the house because I don't let anyone help. That's so not true! Just that everytime when my H or in law help change the diaper or get dressed, I get the same question, "where are the diapers, where is the clothes... ." Those things are in the exact same place everyday and to me, when I get asked that question everytime, maybe that someone doesnt really want to do it. I always end up doing the job, which is entirely fine with me because I am used to and happy to be helping my kids. But this being said, I just hates it when this gets back on me for "NOT letting anyone help". And then it becomes "everyone is scared of you and dont want to show up when you are around"... .but the truth is I see them the entire time I am home.

I dont know what is the point of even talking to him but I try everytime... .

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[Seashells]

 All he rumbles on is about how I never listened to his advice and that's why I am a failure and I don't admit and make changes. He said I am doing everything for the kids and around the house because I don't let anyone help.


I too find it very hard when I'm being criticized, or nit picked, especially over things I don't  feel are negative traits in myself.   It's hard in day to day communication to try to remain open to things they may say and not disregard them completely, and also balance not taking it to heart either when they're only trying to pick you apart.  Trying to evaluate where the comments are coming from as far as being sincere.   Are they really trying to point something out I need to look at about myself? Or are they just deflecting and avoiding their own "stuff" by trying to make an issue with me?

It can be exhausting.  I struggle with this stuff too.   It's one of the reasons we have to take care of ourselves or we feel beaten down.  On the worst days I have, I'm questioning myself and second guessing things he points out.  On occasion there is a nugget of truth in what's said, since he does know me well enough, and that can also make it harder to do the balancing act mentally and not take in or absorb everything they say about our faults. 

We all have them too.  We're only human. 

[briefcase]

Yes, its frustrating, and tiring.  Make sure you take some time to take care of yourself, that's a big part of the process.  The communication tools do help a lot, but they won't cure him.  So there will be ups and downs for him, and you. 

The letters we write (most of us have written them) are usually best not delivered.  Writing it down helps us organize our thoughts and sort through our own feelings.  Asking our partners to validate those thoughts and feelings is usually a bit more than they can give us, but not always.

Maybe leave a stack of diapers out on the changing table.  Doing the job yourself each time they ask where the diapers are is leading to some resentment, yes?

[wishfulthinking]

Viso... .I could have written that story except I don't have an infant.

I end up doing all the housework except my daughter does the litter boxes.  He gets triggered if she forgets (she's 9) but his son is supposed to do the garbage and I end up taking it out most of the time.  My D9 goes room to room to gather the trash from there for me without being asked.  She rarely forgets the litter box anymore.  When I let people help they do a horrible job because they don't want to do it and if I ask them to redo it, I'm picking at them and if I do it after they do then I never let them do it in the first place?  Example, his D15 vacuumed once and left dirt all over (the dog had strings from a toy all over, it was obvious) so she did a horrible job.  Instead of asking yet again to go over it because I had to do that to the hallway and got attitude, I just did it myself.  He caught me and said I needed to give her the chance to do it, he refused to listen to the fact that SHE ALREADY DID IT, and did a horrible job, he just thought she didn't do it and I wasn't letting her.  He was horrible to me for 2 days and if I tried to tell him she did it already and I had to REDO it, he refused and told me to shut up.  I do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc... .even though if he cooks (rarely anymore) I'm expected to clean up afterwards because he gave me the supreme honor of cooking.

God forbid, you slip up once.  Mine makes up little tests that I will fail just so he can get on me for something, especially when he has done something he knows is wrong.  That takes away his wrongness, apparently.