confused about my mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

I would love some insight on my situation about my mother and my SO. Over the last few years, I had been entirely dependent on my mom after becoming a single mother and working incredibly long hours in a very demanding job. I felt essentially trapped. I got a lot of criticism from my family for making the decisions leading up to those circumstances. I made a series of decisions that led me to that point, and each step brought me more and more into a dependent relationship with my mother. By the time my child was one, I was living with my mother, entirely dependent on her for childcare, and planning my future around her. I did not go after child support because she convinced me that it would be a bad idea. I then accepted a job that I didn't want because I wanted to do what was best for her. As a consequence, I turned down numerous jobs that would have been less hours and better money, and would have enabled me to spend more time with my baby. I was convinced that because she was my full time nanny, I had to do what was best for her. It never occured to me to do it without her. I had a few close friends who said I needed to break away from her and do it on my own, but I thought it would be impossible. I never thought at that time that maybe she was whispering in my ear that I could never do it without her... .To this day everyone is like, God bless your mom for helping you get through a tough time like that!

Well... .her attitude changed when I met a guy... the man who is now my husband. Prior to my meeting him, my mother and I were together constantly. She cooked almost every night. She cleaned up the house. She kept my son. When she realized the guy was a part of my life, she started doing passive aggressive things like not answering her phone when she was keeping my child... then leaving for weeks at a time to drive home with him. I remember screaming at her over the phone that I felt like she had kidnapped my child and to bring him back. It was complete agony. I was tempted to quit my job to reclaim my child but knew it would be career suicide for me, so I didn't. One night, she threw a drink in my face in front of my son. He started screaming and I was just shocked. We stopped getting along so well. The unspoken rule was that if I ended it with the guy, she would return back to being my wonderful, perfect mother. I missed my mother, the mother I got along with, so much. It made my romantic relationship incredibly difficult, because I was suffering from so much guilt. The guy slowly but surely started to hate my mother. He blamed her for making me miserable, for causing me so much pain by taking my son away. He was dumbfounded that she didn't like him when he had been supportive and friendly to her.

During this time, a few months into my romantic relationship, I had to move to start that new job that I had accepted (the one that I chose because it would be best for my mom). We moved home, six hours away from my guy. things escalated in a bad way. My mom stopped doing a good job babysitting- I started to seriously worry that my child was neglected. I'd come home at night with only an hour to visit with my son and she would be gone, like an hour away, on a regular basis. She started contacting the birth father and meeting with him without my permission. I was a basket case and constantly stressed at work. When my guy friend, who was by now my BF, would come visit, things were very tense. She finally screamed at him over something, which sent them even further down a bad road with each other. She would be very mean to me and then when I would end it with him, she would turn into the wonderful mother again.

Despite the craziness we continued dating. I was emotionally unstable and kept trying to end the relationship and he recommended counseling. At first, he was concerned that maybe I was borderline. We got some books on it and started to read about it. We met with a counseler and after listening to us he was convinced that my mom has BPD. I read Quit Walking on Eggshells and some others (one about having a BPD mom and another about surviving a BPD parent). My parents have had 7 divorces between them. I started to suspect that my mom had BPD and my dad had NPD. I withdrew from my family more and more. My romantic relationship got more and more serious and after a year of dating we got married. Then we moved 12 hours away from my home.

Now, here I am, living so far away from a mother who I was completely dependent on, and although I am no longer under her control, I miss our relationship, the companionship, and my family. When I speak to her now, she is completely positive- her life is great! she is great! she is no longer depressed or angry or feels negative emotions- she is finally at peace! Meanwhile I feel lonely, isolate, confused, and hurt over the past. I feel sad and guilty that my son doesn't have his grandmother around. I wonder if I just blew her psych issues out of proportion. It doesn't help that my husband has nothing positive to say about my mom. If she comes up, he automatically refers to something negative she did while we were dating. If I want to see her, he gets really irritated and it's an uphill battle to convince him that it is a good idea. We facetime with his family regularly, but not so with mine. He wants his family to visit and I'm supportive, but he doesn't want my mother to stay in our house.

I am not sure if I am codependent, or if he is being too controlling, or what. I'm not sure if my mom actually has BPD or if I was just using it as an excuse to make sense out of a messy situation. My sister also read Stop Walking on Eggshells and was convinced that my mom has BPD. So it's not just me, or him. I just empathize with her so much and of course now she is the perfect mother (which is how she is probably 70% of the time) and I miss her. Any encouragement or thoughts? It gets so lonely when the two people I love don't get along and I feel isolated... .

[clovermomma]

I would love some insight on my situation about my mother and my SO. Over the last few years, I had been entirely dependent on my mom after becoming a single mother and working incredibly long hours in a very demanding job. I felt essentially trapped. I got a lot of criticism from my family for making the decisions leading up to those circumstances. I made a series of decisions that led me to that point, and each step brought me more and more into a dependent relationship with my mother. By the time my child was one, I was living with my mother, entirely dependent on her for childcare, and planning my future around her. I did not go after child support because she convinced me that it would be a bad idea. I then accepted a job that I didn't want because I wanted to do what was best for her. As a consequence, I turned down numerous jobs that would have been less hours and better money, and would have enabled me to spend more time with my baby. I was convinced that because she was my full time nanny, I had to do what was best for her. It never occured to me to do it without her. I had a few close friends who said I needed to break away from her and do it on my own, but I thought it would be impossible. I never thought at that time that maybe she was whispering in my ear that I could never do it without her... .To this day everyone is like, God bless your mom for helping you get through a tough time like that!

Well... .her attitude changed when I met a guy... the man who is now my husband. Prior to my meeting him, my mother and I were together constantly. She cooked almost every night. She cleaned up the house. She kept my son. When she realized the guy was a part of my life, she started doing passive aggressive things like not answering her phone when she was keeping my child... then leaving for weeks at a time to drive home with him. I remember screaming at her over the phone that I felt like she had kidnapped my child and to bring him back. It was complete agony. I was tempted to quit my job to reclaim my child but knew it would be career suicide for me, so I didn't. One night, she threw a drink in my face in front of my son. He started screaming and I was just shocked. We stopped getting along so well. The unspoken rule was that if I ended it with the guy, she would return back to being my wonderful, perfect mother. I missed my mother, the mother I got along with, so much. It made my romantic relationship incredibly difficult, because I was suffering from so much guilt. The guy slowly but surely started to hate my mother. He blamed her for making me miserable, for causing me so much pain by taking my son away. He was dumbfounded that she didn't like him when he had been supportive and friendly to her.

During this time, a few months into my romantic relationship, I had to move to start that new job that I had accepted (the one that I chose because it would be best for my mom). We moved home, six hours away from my guy. things escalated in a bad way. My mom stopped doing a good job babysitting- I started to seriously worry that my child was neglected. I'd come home at night with only an hour to visit with my son and she would be gone, like an hour away, on a regular basis. She started contacting the birth father and meeting with him without my permission. I was a basket case and constantly stressed at work. When my guy friend, who was by now my BF, would come visit, things were very tense. She finally screamed at him over something, which sent them even further down a bad road with each other. She would be very mean to me and then when I would end it with him, she would turn into the wonderful mother again.

Despite the craziness we continued dating. I was emotionally unstable and kept trying to end the relationship and he recommended counseling. At first, he was concerned that maybe I was borderline. We got some books on it and started to read about it. We met with a counseler and after listening to us he was convinced that my mom has BPD. I read Quit Walking on Eggshells and some others (one about having a BPD mom and another about surviving a BPD parent). My parents have had 7 divorces between them. I started to suspect that my mom had BPD and my dad had NPD. I withdrew from my family more and more. My romantic relationship got more and more serious and after a year of dating we got married. Then we moved 12 hours away from my home.

Now, here I am, living so far away from a mother who I was completely dependent on, and although I am no longer under her control, I miss our relationship, the companionship, and my family. When I speak to her now, she is completely positive- her life is great! she is great! she is no longer depressed or angry or feels negative emotions- she is finally at peace! Meanwhile I feel lonely, isolate, confused, and hurt over the past. I feel sad and guilty that my son doesn't have his grandmother around. I wonder if I just blew her psych issues out of proportion. It doesn't help that my husband has nothing positive to say about my mom. If she comes up, he automatically refers to something negative she did while we were dating. If I want to see her, he gets really irritated and it's an uphill battle to convince him that it is a good idea. We facetime with his family regularly, but not so with mine. He wants his family to visit and I'm supportive, but he doesn't want my mother to stay in our house.

I am not sure if I am codependent, or if he is being too controlling, or what. I'm not sure if my mom actually has BPD or if I was just using it as an excuse to make sense out of a messy situation. My sister also read Stop Walking on Eggshells and was convinced that my mom has BPD. So it's not just me, or him. I just empathize with her so much and of course now she is the perfect mother (which is how she is probably 70% of the time) and I miss her. Any encouragement or thoughts? It gets so lonely when the two people I love don't get along and I feel isolated... .

[Breathing new air]

Clovermomma, So many of the things you are feeling are much like what you will hear from this group. So many times our mothers can only be the "good mother" when we are what they want or who they think we should be. I have found as I travel this path that as I question things I see that things are not really the way that my mom would show them to be. As children of BP parents, we are trained to not trust our reality.  I struggle too with wanting the mom that was good, but I have had to ask myself if it is worth the price. For that mom, I have to be something I am not and only play by her rules. I find that my mom paints a picture of what she wants reality to be not what it necessarily is. For me, I have found that the price is not worth it. There are so many good qualities to my mom. And I know she loves us as best she can, but I have found for now I cannot get healthy and find the strength to be who I really am if I am around her. Too many triggers and old baggage.    I am trying to get rid of it and find myself without it. Hopefully when I do I will be able to move forward and one day have a relationship with my mom again. Maybe not only time will tell. But right now I feel that I am only beginning to trust myself and reality, when I am around my mom she undermines that if it is not her reality or best for her. And for me that is the hardest. I miss what I felt was a loving relationship but now see was only that way if I was the way she wanted me to be. I can't do that. But that being said, that is my reality, only you can say what you need. If you need that relationship with your mom you need it. I would suggest that no matter what you find someone you can talk to about this. Maybe a therapist. Because for me anyway once I figured out about my mom, there was no going back only forward and I have needed a lot of help and support to do that.

 

[Enoughforme]

I can only speak upon my experience with my UDBLPM. When things are calm I too wonder if I am making mountains out of mole hills and think well maybe it was not as bad as I had thought. And believe maybe it can work out- but then I get hit with another argument. She hates my husband that I have 2 children with and say awful things about him in front of them. In your story I can see where your mom manipulation you and had control because of you child. I too have experience on that one. Are you sure her life is so great? You do live 12 hours away. People with BP behave that way weather you are around or not. Could their be another family member getting that "special" love that you just do not know about? My personal thoughts go to my kids - it is only a matter of time before she does that to them too. I do not want my kids to think that this is acceptable behavior.

If you really want a relationship with her -will your husband be accepted? If yes or no try a few visits a year and set up your boundaries to see how things go. I wish you the best of luck.