Do you still love me?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is what she asked me today in the kitchen.  I have been nothing but cordial to her nothing mean.  I am planning on filing for divorce in the next 20 days and I still answered yes and didn't lie.  But it also doesn't change my plans in any way.  Am I a horrible person.

I'll add that I think I will always love her but I can't be with her in any way but did answering that way make me a bad person?  All the damage she has done will never change my feelings for her.  I care about her with every part of me being, but.  But I don't think she could ever feel the same. 

[Knowingishalf]

This is what she asked me today in the kitchen.  I have been nothing but cordial to her nothing mean.  I am planning on filing for divorce in the next 20 days and I still answered yes and didn't lie.  But it also doesn't change my plans in any way.  Am I a horrible person.

I'll add that I think I will always love her but I can't be with her in any way but did answering that way make me a bad person?  All the damage she has done will never change my feelings for her.  I care about her with every part of me being, but.  But I don't think she could ever feel the same. 

[Learning_curve74]

Sometimes it's better to leave somebody while you still love them and before you start to hate them.  :'(

You are not cheating her or lying to her. You can't change how she will feel, and there is nothing else that you could've said to make anything better. You feel bad because you care about her. A lot of us have made the same decision as you're making, and we felt bad as well. I felt exhausted and totally defeated.

It's hard enough to carry yourself through your own life, to try and carry another adult, who is more like an angry kid in adult disguise, is back breaking. Take care of yourself and your daughter who needs you.

Do you have everything sorted out with your lawyer?  Hang in there. 

[Knowingishalf]

Number one your comment about the angry kid is so spot on, and the exhaustion.  I am so close I am also working with a client of mine who is also a lawyer for consultation.  I am just tired of carrying someone.  Thank you for the comment I needed that.  Thanks

[happylogist]

I have an impression that in similar situations to yours people ask this question for validation, rather than for hearing a truthful answer, which probably in your case will be more like your post here (... .yes, but, always, but... .). So you did say the truth and said as much of the truth as she wanted to hear. Anything else would be a huge trigger and not something she was expecting to address now.

[Knowingishalf]

you are right I said as much of the truth as she wanted to hear but I stopped there, which is one reason I feel horrible but to protect my daughter and myself I couldn't go further.

[Clearmind]

Knowingishalf, you can love and care for someone and know instinctively that being together is not good for either of you! You are showing courage!

Have you spoken about divorce? Is she aware? What plan do you have about leaving?

[fiddlestix]

I am trying to figure out if I still love my dBPD ex wife.  I would never hurt her, insult her, hit her... . But she has hurt me so bad I just don't know if I actually love her or if she is my addiction.  I don't really like her.  With all of her "textbook" BPD traits she is extremely hard to be around. Most people are stressed to be around her.  After many recycles with me she is now with a new guy (victim?).  So I don't know if I really love her, or if I am in withdrawals and just feeling defeated.  

Fiddlestix

[happylogist]

Knowingishalf,

I think you did the right thing and almost all of us would definitely do the same - answering honestly, but without going into the details... .  At this point this is the best thing for all of you.

[Knowingishalf]

The question about does she know about the divorce, the answer is no.  I can't let her be aware to prepare, due to protecting my daughter.  I would under any other circumstance, tell her but I just personally don't trust her as a parent to our daughter.  She usually doesn't know when to feed her... .  I wish I could tell her but I just can't and I feel worse for it.

[Clearmind]

The question about does she know about the divorce, the answer is no.  I can't let her be aware to prepare, due to protecting my daughter.  I would under any other circumstance, tell her but I just personally don't trust her as a parent to our daughter.  She usually doesn't know when to feed her... .  I wish I could tell her but I just can't and I feel worse for it.

I agree hence my question. Have you taken copies of important paperwork, copies of pictures etc?

It's really crucial to be prepared. Can I also suggest you post on the legal board to prepare properly. Folks there are very knowledgable about such things

[Knowingishalf]

80% of my "things" are already out of the house at my parents so far, I am working on the paperwork as we speak.  I am eyeing up the legal board and working with 2 lawyers.  But I am still terrified... .but I know this is the most important thing I can do.

[eeyore]

80% of my "things" are already out of the house at my parents so far, I am working on the paperwork as we speak.  I am eyeing up the legal board and working with 2 lawyers.  But I am still terrified... .but I know this is the most important thing I can do.

Keep up the good work.  Your daughter and you are the most important.  It's ok to be terrified that will pass when you are out and have found your new peace.  The divorce process is horrible but not living in the same house will help a lot.  Until the final D-day you will be hoping just for good seconds at first.  Then minutes, hours, days, weeks, months.  It takes a long time to get to a good week.  But they will come.  You'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[momtara]

my husband asks that too.  we are getting a divorce because I can't live with him.  he knows that I love him and that I can't live with him.  i don't know if telling them that actually helps or at some point hurts.  but i guess it's ok because it's the truth.  i don't want it to validate their cruel behavior, though, saying it's ok, either.  so that is an issue.