dBPD Sister Wants To Get Pregnant

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My dBPD sis recently got back together with her bf. She is about to turn 35 and he is close to 50 yrs old. He has broken up with her 8 times in about 2 years.

Now my sister is saying she wants to have a child and get married to this man. And she wants to do it in the next year.

I want to be supportive and treat the situation like she doesn't have BPD, but I find myself basically lying to her when I agree with her plans. We talk a lot about her relationship and I am wondering if it is wrong to support her in her plans for a baby? I want her to be happy, but wouldn't adding a child into this relationship only make things worse for her?

[DreamGirl]

I want to be supportive and treat the situation like she doesn't have BPD, but I find myself basically lying to her when I agree with her plans. We talk a lot about her relationship and I am wondering if it is wrong to support her in her plans for a baby? I want her to be happy, but wouldn't adding a child into this relationship only make things worse for her?

Yeah, I don't think a baby is a good game plan to help "fix" anything for anyone.

I also know that changing someone else's mind on such matters tends to be a fruitless endeavor.

It's also OK to be authentic. It helps me when I don't place morality (right v. wrong) on my actions. I don't encourage and I don't discourage. I'm reasonably supportive and I try to validate feelings not actions.

I don't have a lot of power over the pwBPD in my life's actions. She doesn't always make the best decisions for herself, but I can't control that. Sometimes it really is hard to watch. I also have faith that it will all work out, because it always has so far.

   

~DreamGirl

[isshebpd]

Do you know how the nearly 50 BF feels about this? Maybe he's already taken care of matters to ensure it doesn't happen.

[Sasha026]

When I was 35, my husband was 50 and we had our first and only child. He never saw our son's 21st birthday because he died when he was 70. He never played ball with our son, never took him to a football game, never spent any time with him... .he was always too busy and too tired.

I don't know just how bad your sister is, but I can tell you, with an older father - most of the child rearing falls on the mother. Do you think she could handle that? It's not easy, you know. Sometimes, the stress can be a bit overwhelming for a couple who are mutually involved with the baby's care - never mind just one parent.

I don't know, but from your post, it seems as though this "baby" idea seems to be something that might not have been thoroughly thought through. Maybe this idea is just wishful thinking. With a BPD, goals can be fleeting. She might change her mind next week.

If I were you, you might want to point this out to her. A baby is no band aid for a bad relationship - it only exacerbates it.