"No-one understands me the way he does"

[clairedair]

Been reading "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft along with "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverly Engels.  Both have been eye-openers for me and well worth the read.

One part that struck me last night from the Bancroft book was about 'Traumatic Bonding' - I've read about trauma bonding a bit on this site but this passage had me feeling goosebumps:

"Your abusive partner's cycles of moving in and out of periods of cruelty can cause you to feel very close to him during those times when he is finally kind and loving.  You can end up feeling that the nightmare of his abusiveness is an experience the two of you have shared and are escaping from together, a dangerous illusion that trauma can cause.  I commonly hear an abused woman say about her partner "He really knows me" or "No-one understands me the way he does".   This may be true, but the reason he seems to understand you well is that he has studied ways to manipulate your emotions and control your reactions.  At times he may seem to grasp how badly he has hurt you, which can make you feel close to him, but it's another illusion; if he could really be empathic about the pain he has caused, he would stop abusing you for good."

I miss less and less about my exH but I do miss that feeling I had at times that he really 'got me'.  For example, he was great at understanding some of my frustrations about my family (who are very loving and supportive but nobody's perfect!) but looking back I can see that he at times used my frustrations (which are part and parcel of normal family life) to create distance between them and me.

Also, I reconciled several times partly because he seemed to really understand the pain his behaviour/actions/words had caused and he had some really good insight to what was going on.  I would have that feeling of "sharing" a terrible experience that we were now, finally, going to be able to move on from but he would then repeat the emotionally/verbally abusive behaviours and leave again.

I'm trying to still keep sight of my own part in all of this (the Engels book is good for that because it talks about how the partner of an emotional abuser can also become abusive in return)  but this idea that my ex did not really know me the way I thought he did is worth reflecting on though it feels a bit like another loss just now - another illusion.

[Clearmind]

Remove the magical thinking, sex and mirroring and neither me nor my partner knew each other. We jumped into a "relationship" and asked no questions!

Compatibility takes time to work through.

[heartandwhole]

Also, I reconciled several times partly because he seemed to really understand the pain his behaviour/actions/words had caused and he had some really good insight to what was going on.  I would have that feeling of "sharing" a terrible experience that we were now, finally, going to be able to move on from but he would then repeat the emotionally/verbally abusive behaviours and leave again.

clairedair,

I relate to this very much, too.  My pwBPD was very aware, after the fact, of the hurtfulness of his behavior, and several times expressed a lot of remorse.  I so wanted to believe that that insight was permanent, a real change, but with time I saw that it wasn't – the disorder was too strong, and it broke my heart, for me, for him.

These are great insights and I think very important for us to remember.  The trauma bond is so much more powerful than we imagine.  Getting out is a rough road, but we emerge transformed.

Thanks for sharing. 

[clairedair]

Remove the magical thinking, sex and mirroring and neither me nor my partner knew each other. We jumped into a "relationship" and asked no questions! .

I don't think I did this when our relationship first started, however, many years later when the 'rollercoaster' really took off, I definitely jumped into reconciling time and time again without asking the right questions (or, more often, not really listening to what the answers to my questions were really saying).  I kept thinking of him in terms of 'my husband', the man I'd married over 20 years ago.  I should have been seeing him as who he is now and also taking account of who I am now.

Compatibility takes time to work through. 

My exH and I are very different and I feel grateful for the times that he encouraged me to see things in a different way.  However, I think now that there's a balance - a 'threshold of compatibility'.  Too much the same and I'd get bored or too comfortable but there needs to be a certain degree of similarity in values, interests etc.

I so wanted to believe that that insight was permanent, a real change, but with time I saw that it wasn't – the disorder was too strong, and it broke my heart, for me, for him.

Around the time of our last split, my exH was on a course about abuse.  He was not attending because he'd been abusive - it related to his work, however, he was able to articulate to me that his behaviour had been harmful to me and our children and he sent me an e-mail apologising.  I was very distressed for him - hearing more about his own pain.  It wasn't until later that I re-read it and noticed how he was still managing to make digs about me and that it was possible that he was apologising for leaving.  So then I was heartbroken for myself.  He wouldn't have any meaningful contact with me when he got home and I didn't push too hard thinking that the course must have really brought up some stuff and he needed time.  I also told the kids that he was going to apologise to them (didn't happen).  Within weeks was in another relationship (married 6 months later).  I was 'done' before the new relationship started though because I FINALLY realised that nothing was going to change for us.  I hope that his course has really helped him - that he now loves, trusts and respects himself enough to be in a healthy relationship with his new wife.  I just feel that he's jumped straight in again.

These are great insights and I think very important for us to remember.  The trauma bond is so much more powerful than we imagine.  Getting out is a rough road, but we emerge transformed.

thanks, heartandwhole -  I do see the cliche 'light at the end of the tunnel'.  The tunnel looks long and I think I am more prepared for the journey along it than I was but I do see the light and that's what's keeping me going.

[fromheeltoheal]

Remove the magical thinking, sex and mirroring and neither me nor my partner knew each other. We jumped into a "relationship" and asked no questions!

Compatibility takes time to work through.

We got close by Facebook, text and phone, and when I say "close", I mean she barged through my boundaries, as they do, and I let her because it felt great and I was lonely and susceptible.  That type of "relationship" should always have quotes around it, and unfortunately I endured way too much pain before I woke up.  But I'm proud of myself for being healthy enough to not tolerate any more dysfunction.  Yes, compatibility takes time to work through, and to me the working through is seeing if it's there at all.  It wasn't.

[myself]

Part of why we stay is because we feel we know them better than anyone else, as well. They've opened up to us emotionally (although how much of that was real is questionable), and in additon to the trauma bonds we created loving bonds together.

When we stand up for ourselves, reacting to hurtful things they've said with negatives of our own, expressing our frustrations, we're often seen as adding to the problem. They can turn it to where they see us as the abuser. It triggers abandonment and anger issues, for all involved, perpetuating the cycle instead of ending it.

The times I hurt her feelings, I apologized. I felt bad about it. I cared about her. The times she hurt mine? Rarely apologized, rarely came to me and said she knew what she had done or that she would not do it anymore. There's quite a gap there.

[fromheeltoheal]

Part of why we stay is because we feel we know them better than anyone else, as well. They've opened up to us emotionally (although how much of that was real is questionable), and in additon to the trauma bonds we created loving bonds together.

Yes.  After a while I found out that mine was very good at creating the illusion of open honest sharing, but it was just that, an illusion.  There were a lot of things going on for her that she didn't share with me openly, and when I pressed her she fought back, she just wasn't going there.

When we stand up for ourselves, reacting to hurtful things they've said with negatives of our own, expressing our frustrations, we're often seen as adding to the problem. They can turn it to where they see us as the abuser. It triggers abandonment and anger issues, for all involved, perpetuating the cycle instead of ending it.

Yes.  I spent the first part of our relationship using self deprecating humor and humility, she needed to feel like god's gift, and I let her.  When I got tired of the abuse I starting giving her back what she gave me, things escalated, and it ended immediately.  There was no equal partnership, except the one in my head that I was trying to form between us.  I don't think she's capable, but she certainly wasn't willing.

The times I hurt her feelings, I apologized. I felt bad about it. I cared about her. The times she hurt mine? Rarely apologized, rarely came to me and said she knew what she had done or that she would not do it anymore. There's quite a gap there.

The only apology I ever got was in a contact attempt after I'd gone NC.  Could have been sincere but I doubt it, just another manipulation.

[alliance]

One of the best insights I had was realizing what I mistook for "understanding her better than anyone else" was really just  figuring out what I needed to do to keep the peace.

[Ironmanrises]

Part of why we stay is because we feel we know them better than anyone else, as well. They've opened up to us emotionally (although how much of that was real is questionable), and in additon to the trauma bonds we created loving bonds together.

When we stand up for ourselves, reacting to hurtful things they've said with negatives of our own, expressing our frustrations, we're often seen as adding to the problem. They can turn it to where they see us as the abuser. It triggers abandonment and anger issues, for all involved, perpetuating the cycle instead of ending it.

The times I hurt her feelings, I apologized. I felt bad about it. I cared about her. The times she hurt mine? Rarely apologized, rarely came to me and said she knew what she had done or that she would not do it anymore. There's quite a gap there.

In bold.

Our empathy... .

Versus... .

Their lack of... .

The chasm is as vast... .

As their thought process... .

To ours.

My ex did not apologize at all in devaluation phase and discard in round 2.

Not one word of remorse.

Her silence in terms of that... .

Was as hurtful... .

As all the verbal barrages she launched at me concurrently.

[Bananas]

Part of why we stay is because we feel we know them better than anyone else, as well. They've opened up to us emotionally (although how much of that was real is questionable), and in additon to the trauma bonds we created loving bonds together.

When we stand up for ourselves, reacting to hurtful things they've said with negatives of our own, expressing our frustrations, we're often seen as adding to the problem. They can turn it to where they see us as the abuser. It triggers abandonment and anger issues, for all involved, perpetuating the cycle instead of ending it.

The times I hurt her feelings, I apologized. I felt bad about it. I cared about her. The times she hurt mine? Rarely apologized, rarely came to me and said she knew what she had done or that she would not do it anymore. There's quite a gap there.

Exactly.  One of our last conversations a month or so before the end I remember me ex saying to me, "no one on Earth knows me as well as you do."  When things ended the way I did, these words were stuck in my head and all I could think was I don't know him at all!  The person I knew would never have done that.      

And I thought he knew and understood me, but his actions proved otherwise.