Something that is bugging me... maybe you can help...

[Foreverhopefull]

I noticed a pattern in most of our relationship problems... .and it bugs me allot. (Please don't think that I see myself as being better than all and untouchable... .because I've done it too)

Why is it that we get annoyed, upset or even angry with our pwBPD when they read a text or email wrong? Do we forget that they see life as white or black and may misunderstand our words in writing?

I noticed that each time my dBPDh and I had a huge argument it was for something I wrote that he misunderstood.

I stopped writing texts or emails (except a text to let him know I'll be home late or something like that) and our relationship has been better. I make sure that he can see my face when I talk so he can read/see my expression so he knows what I mean when I talk to him. It helped allot. so much so that even his therapist noticed.

Have you noticed that your message comes through better by talking versus writing?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Great point!  I only use text to communicate purely practical information to my wife - if I'm on my way to meet her, will be late, etc.  I don't use it to "chat" with my wife about much.  It's a terrible way to communicate - there is no tone to it, there is no non-verbal communication, and the clippedstyle of texting doesn't lend itself to incuding validation or using SET or DEAR format.  I also don't email.  

Plus, just this morning I saw someone literally drive off the road texting - luckily they didn't wreck their car - or mine!  

[maryy16]

Yes... .face to face communication works best for my H.  If I really need to explain something to him, usually I do it over a dinner at a restaurant.  That way, he is facing me and I have his full attention and he seems to be better able to understand what I am telling him.

If I tell him anything while he is watching tv or playing a video game, he will only hear maybe half of what I say and is not able to understand or remember what I told him.  Or, even worse, he will wrongly interpret the conversation which leads to arguments later on.

[connect]

Yes I think you are right.

Also it works the other way round as well with my BPDbf. He can send texts that are unclear to me. He knows what he wants to say but the texts can come across as confusing. ie

me: do you fancy meeting up later or do you want a night on your own?

him: yeah - busy day today.

He knows he means he had a busy day so would like a night to himself. The text he sends however is unclear!

At that point if I try to clarify what he means he says I am demanding or guilt tripping him into seeing me. In actual fact I don't know WHAT he meant!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Foreverhopefull, you're spot on I think. The written word is so hard to judge and easy to get wrong. Even without BPD people struggle with misunderstandings and implied/not implied meanings. Men and women having different communication styles. And then when you throw BPD, co-dependency, depression and the like into the mix... .

[Century2012]

I think what it is ... .is that their insecurity causes them to misunderstand. Either they are fearful of another hit against their fragile ego. Or they are thinking, "oh, I still got it." They are reading into the message for validation. Make sense?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I think what it is ... .is that their insecurity causes them to misunderstand. Either they are fearful of another hit against their fragile ego. Or they are thinking, "oh, I still got it." They are reading into the message for validation. Make sense?

I think that's very true.