Adapting to BPD partner v's losing ourselves

[connect]

Another question that I have been mulling over recently.

Where do we draw the line between adapting to incorporate a BPD partner and losing ourselves?

I have felt that I have been losing myself and I fully take responsibility for my input into how this feeling has arisen. BUT having a partner with BPD has meant I have HAD to adapt some aspects to aid the r/s.

For example my communication style. With previous non bf's when I am p*ssed off about something I say it. Sometimes I would raise my voice. Sometimes we would row. It would eventually get sorted out and generally on the same day with resolution/compromise or at least with both of us knowing we aired our views. With my BPDbf I cant do this in the same way so I have adapted my dialogue and how I deal with being upset/angry. This feels in a way very false - it's not what I would normally do. I feel hemmed in by not being able to express myself in the way that I want to and instead I express myself in the way that a person with BPD can handle.

What I mean is I have been adapting myself in this way and many others (obviously for a reason as I love him) However at this point I feel that it is very easy to slip into losing myself. I am already feeling like I am on the back foot by changing how I normally act so its not such a huge step to losing myself. Its easier for me to justify unhealthy behaviours on my part (eggshell walking etc) as just further parts of "adaptation"

I am already not being the "real me" in a sense so then doing something unhealthy like not seeing my friends as much is also not the ""real me" either - hence a blurred line. How do I judge where that line is? What do you guys do?

Do you see what I am getting at?  

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[patientandclear]

Do you see what I am getting at?  

Very much so.  Very eager to read any responses & thoughts from our insightful friends ... .

[Grey Kitty]

Totally get your concern.

My first guess is that if you are wondering if you are walking on eggshells, then you most likely are walking on eggshells, and that isn't good for you, your bf, or your r/s.

However figuring out which side of the line you are on is always tough. I'd describe the "good" side of the line in a different way:

There were times where I really wanted to say something or ask for some sort of support or validation of my feelings.

But I was 99.99% sure that any effort to get that kind of support from my wife (at the time) would result in me getting the opposite of what I wanted from her.

I had to accept that at that time, the kind of support I want wasn't going to come from my wife, and I needed to find another source for it one way or another.

This version involves using the communication tools (S.E.T., validation, not JADE'ing, etc.) and feels like choosing to improve my r/s with my wife, building on successes and working within limits.

And most importantly, I felt like I was choosing to do the right things. I didn't feel forced into anything.

I am already not being the "real me" in a sense so then doing something unhealthy like not seeing my friends as much is also not the ""real me" either

That's the sort of behavior I'd look to change if I were you... .and no, it isn't at all easy to do it, but it is worth it!

[123Phoebe]

Hmm, Connect... .

Would you consider yelling to get our views across (as you did in past relationships and I did, too) healthy and mature?

We all lose it from time to time, I get that.  But when I remember some of my past behaviors in previous relationships I kinda think... .Yikes!  Not good.

And so I've carried a lot of the same reasons for those behaviors around (feeling neglected, disrespected, less than etc... ) , manifesting in different ways... .

Yelling might have turned into anxiety, for instance.  Both are unhealthy for me as they raise my blood pressure, getting the heart pumping.  There was some weird comfort and familiarity in that.  It spoke to me somehow... .

When I take care of myself, I don't feel either of those things-- like yelling or anxiety ridden.  

It took a while to feel comfortable taking care of myself because I never really had within a relationship, it felt completely foreign.

From what you've described about your relationship in general, do you think the biggest struggle is in knowing what your values and boundaries are and being able to enforce them?  Not only with him, but with yourself, too.

[Seashells]

It seems my earlier reply disappeared. 

So, I will have to try again later.  Connect