Terminal uBPD mother, guilt

[lexialpha]

Hello All -  I am returning tonight after nearly a year away from the board. The months that I spent seeking guidance and understanding was so helpful that I come to you again now.

My uBPD mother learned about a month ago that she has advanced stage 4 Lung Cancer. My first thought when hearing was... .OF COURSE!  You smoke more than a pack a day for over 30 years and feed your body nothing but junk food... .WHAT DO YOU EXPECT! Then I had my second thought... .well, she's 77 and not 35 with young children.  I have compassion but I don't feel sorry for her. Bad. Guilt. Bad daughter.

I had worked so hard to define my OWN life with physical separation and contact on MY terms and I was feeling, I guess the word would be "positive" about my future relationship with my mother. I had figured out a way. She did not break me. I was on automatic pilot for nearly 30 years, but was able to come back from that (now 52).

Then she gets a terminal diagnosis. I am embarassed to say that a wave of relief came over me. A sense that she wasn't going to be able to hurt me anymore. The pain that she had causes no longer mattered. Her final time mattered. I left my family and drove two days to be with her. My sister would join by plane, also leaving two kids and husband who canceled a business trip to cover, in a couple of days. I arrived to find the "waif", weak, in need of comfort and clutching a pillow as she lay diagonally on her bed with a vomit pot close by.

Longer story shorter, my sister and I agreed to take over the paperwork and bill paying part of life, met the accountant, the banker, the landscape guy, the hospice staff, the 'round the clock caretaking staff and tended her every need for several days. My sister and I decided to extend our stay by four days to allow for important conversations that she hadn't been ready to have yet about death and dying, her wishes and such. THEN... .the evil witch showed up! And she stuck around for the remaining days of our trip. We wondered if we would be saying goodbye to the "waif" or the "evil queen" and hoped for the former, since that is who we were there to comfort, after all. She did show up with a few tender words the day before we left, and I am so thankful for that. NOW she is all bright eyed and bushy tailed!  Here we were suggesting to all that Mom was on her death bed with 2wks to a month and ever since we left she has had ALL of this attention and is on top of the world!  WHAT HAPPENED? My sister feels like she's been duped!  Neither of us want to tend the queen, so we don't have ANY interest in visiting again at all. GUILT. BAD children.

Ideas? I'm further along in my recovery, thanks to you all. How can we get past the guilt? Why can't we find enough compassion to tend ALL of who she is in her final time? My sister is a mess. Thanks in advance for your words of wisdom. Sorry this was so long. 'Best to get it all out.

[lexialpha]

I'd like to know if there is information available to help the family members of a BPD person who is dying. In addition to the support given to one in their final months, there is the complication (don't know if that is the right word) of the BPD traits and responses to stress.

How can we best help without being drawn back in to the cycle of drama? The cycles seem to be coming one on top of the other with calm one moment and rage w/ nastiness the next. I can protect myself from a few of these, but over and over again is becoming hard. As I seem always to be the verbal "punching bag" if the zings don't appear to hurt enough the first few times, she cuts deeper. How do I protect myself, and still be present? She hates me but wants me there!

[sophiegirl]

I don't know what the answers are sorry, but you have been very kind looking after your mum. This situation is on my mind a lot as my mum is 88. She will be admitted to hospital all weak and waify suck the life out of me and anyone else around as we all wait on her hand and foot. Then rise up, refuse all assistance and go home as if she's been on a lovely holiday. Whilst I'm left feeling shell shocked (or duped!). I guess I am also waiting for her to pass away quietly with no dramas. I will grieve for losing the mother I never had that's all I know, I suspect I may have a little breakdown as I let go of years of emotional abuse.

I would love to know if theres some literature I can prepare myself with first. I don't know of any but your post has been very valid thankyou for sharing and sorry I can't be of any real help 

[lexialpha]

sophiegirl, thank you for the hug. maybe that's what I needed most. If I find literature that can help us out, I'll be sure to pass the info on.

I never really thought about how the death and dying process might be different for her. She doesn't want the caregiving staff to wear uniforms with the company name on them because it makes her feel sick, especially if were out in public. She wants it to look like she is out with her "friend" at the grocery store. That all makes sense since appearance is everything to her and she absorbs the feelings and attitude of those around her. But, truthfully, it is VERY clear that she is ill. She has lost more than 50 lbs and can barely get around with a walker more than 20 ft before becoming winded. I suppose that her denial plays a role there.

She's having trouble with the care staff, as they have... .guess what... .rules about what they can and can not do for her. The skill level that she is paying for can; tidy the house but not deep clean baseboards and scrub toilets, prepare her simple meals and note that she ate but not list every ounce of what went down and then what came back up, they can remind her about her meds and note that she took them, but not hand her the morphine - which is a controlled substance. All boundary issues. It wouldn't surprise me if she fired them soon, but she has hospice staff to clean up that mess. I'm not riding to that rescue. She will be well cared for... .somehow... .or not. I have to be okay with that.