I feel like I was raped.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm sitting here, and this strange terrible terrible feeling is washing over me.

Writing this is all I can do to prevent breaking down sobbing and running out of work.

I feel like I was raped by my ex.

Thinking back at her manipulative faces and reactions to sex.  I feel disgusting.  I don't want to talk to women.  I feel dirty.  I feel disgusting and used. 

The last time was the worst.  I know she manipulated me because she thought she could keep me.  Knowing she was hiting around behind my back.  Ugh UGH UGH UGH UGH.  It makes me want to burn my own skin off.  Jump in front of a train.

I feel this surge of terror like she's going to come back.  I want to be out of where I am and away from all the triggers.

I never ever want to see her face again.  It disgusts me.

I can't even summon the courage to look at my photo directory and delete her photos because I'd have to see her face.  Its the only remnant I have of her.  GROSS GROSS GROSS.

I just feel dirty all over.

This must have been what it felt like when it happened 20 years ago, and I'm only now finally getting to it.

I HATE IT.

[PhoenixRising15]

I'm sitting here, and this strange terrible terrible feeling is washing over me.

Writing this is all I can do to prevent breaking down sobbing and running out of work.

I feel like I was raped by my ex.

Thinking back at her manipulative faces and reactions to sex.  I feel disgusting.  I don't want to talk to women.  I feel dirty.  I feel disgusting and used. 

The last time was the worst.  I know she manipulated me because she thought she could keep me.  Knowing she was hiting around behind my back.  Ugh UGH UGH UGH UGH.  It makes me want to burn my own skin off.  Jump in front of a train.

I feel this surge of terror like she's going to come back.  I want to be out of where I am and away from all the triggers.

I never ever want to see her face again.  It disgusts me.

I can't even summon the courage to look at my photo directory and delete her photos because I'd have to see her face.  Its the only remnant I have of her.  GROSS GROSS GROSS.

I just feel dirty all over.

This must have been what it felt like when it happened 20 years ago, and I'm only now finally getting to it.

I HATE IT.

[Ironmanrises]

Question... .

I know how you feel.

Your words... .

Echo powerfully.

That disgusting feeling... .

You refer to... .

That too... .

I feel the same.

Emotionally raped... .

Overwhelmed with love... .

In idealization.

And then... .

The complete withdrawal... .

Of all that love... .

In devaluation.

Added with the hate... .

That they pour in... .

At the same time... .

And the final blow... .

The discard.

The brutal... .

God awful... .

Climax... .

Literally... .

At the end.

I can understand your feeling... .

Like that... .

While you are at work.

It is far... .

Too similar... .

For me.

That feeling of wanting to scream... .

You are not alone brother.

Hang in there.

[eyvindr]

Or sister, as it were.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

As I-man says, hang in there. Keep posting.

[HarmKrakow]

I relate, i remember friends telling me why have you not deleted those photo's? Why? Because i had to see her ___ing face again :D.

I also relate to the being raped feeling. I often tell my therapist i feel like i slept with a wolf in sheeps clothing.

[DragoN]

Questioning Faith 

She is what she is, her actions are NO reflection of you. And what happened in childhood a crime against you of which you had no control. Please don't allow any of that to define you.

Rape of the Soul is a r/s with a BPD / NPD what have you for the alphabet soup in PD land.

I never ever want to see her face again.  It disgusts me.

When somebody cheats on me, no matter how much I love them, that is my feeling. There's no going back. Betrayal on too many levels.

Stay away from her.

[redbaron5]

Perfect description of how I feel, I miss her, I miss the idealization. But I feel like throwing up when I see her picture. I do not say this lightly, I would have rather been physically raped than mentally raped. At least physically I would have understood what happened.

[nolisan]

Rape - I used this word in a letter to the ex I read to my T. I didn't send the letter.

I too "feel dirty" for having "a dangerous stranger" in my bed and life. I had no idea what I was sleeping next to.

Just lucky to have escaped.

[DreamGirl]

Hi Questioning Faith,

I think it's really brave and insightful that you can correlate your childhood abuse with the entanglement of someone who suffers from BPD. I know what it's like to have your boundaries shattered at such a young age. Before you've even developed enough cognitively, emotionally, or even physically to know what that actually means.

I think in that, we often connect with others, to whom we find comfort. Whether it be comfort in who we feel is as broken as we are or comfort in someone who hurts us because it's what we know.

How are you doing today?

~DG 

[PhoenixRising15]

I barely slept last night, but I'm keeping it together.

I'm an emotional roller-coaster.

I spent five hours bargaining last night, could I forgive her, how could I forgive her, forgiveness will give me peace, maybe she could make it better... .she seemed so sorry this time.

This morning I woke up and had to post.

I am bargaining because I'm still in the Fear of FOG.

I'm afraid I can't say no.  I'm afraid she will come up so pitiful and will bring her pity party to me and I'll buy into it for a second.

It's hard because I want to have compassion, and as I look back at her actions, as vile and despicable as I judge them to be, and lord knows I probably only know half of them, I can see how her fear of abandonment drove her, her childhood beliefs about the world, her trauma, her own abuse, her addiction.

I am trying to depersonalize, but I catch myself then bargaining.

I don't know how to convince my own heart that I understand its not about me, and I don't want anything to do with her.

If it's not about me, maybe she will fix herself, make amends, maybe we could make it work, maybe she'd really be remorseful this time!     

If it is about me, I feel angry, but I don't want to be because I feel compassion for her.

I hate not understanding.  It's all I've ever tried to do.  The workshop on lonely child/abandoned child had me reeling for days.  She was my perfect mystery.

I've read and read and read here, and that helps.  It's what I fall asleep to anymore.

But I'm still afraid.  I'm afraid of her contacting me and of her not contacting me.

It's been a rough few days.

Thanks for asking and letting me vent.

It's like, if I

[DreamGirl]

could I forgive her, how could I forgive her, forgiveness will give me peace

Forgiveness is a gem of an act. It really is. It does bring peace.

It's not something that is done in a moment usually. It's a process.

It looks like you are trying to forgive her... .and forgive yourself. One is much harder then the other. Especially when victimized at such a young age. "Shame" tends to manifest itself in our adulthood in such a profound way, that we have to learn skills to help alleviate some of the dysfunctional thinking that it brings. Like we don't deserve a fulfilling relationship.  Or that we somehow deserve whatever bad comes our way. Or that we aren't "enough". Too broken. I, myself, thought that I was too "tainted".   

This bargaining, reeling and grasping is your emotional thinking at war with your cognitive thinking. The ol' heart and mind in a battle of the wits.

I'm afraid I can't say no.  I'm afraid she will come up so pitiful and will bring her pity party to me and I'll buy into it for a second.

What's this about?

Why don't you trust yourself?

[eyvindr]

Questioning --

 Hang in there, girl! I know it feels bad, and it hurts, and you feel stuck -- but, trust me -- you are making HUGE progress!

As DreamGirl said -- it's HUGE that you are asking yourself these questions, and allowing yourself to feel what you feel, as hard as it is, and as sad as it makes you. This is HUGE! -- it's so much easier to run away from all of that. This is why grieving is so important -- and why, when people get stuck, it's because they keep trying to avoid the depression stage -- because it's so damned HARD. It's AWFUL. We'll do almost anything to avoid it, but we have to go through it to get to the other side. That's what I think you're doing -- not avoiding it, but going through it.

You know the phrase -- "if you're going through hell, keep going." You will come out of this, Questioning.

Another thing about dysfunctional thinking. We can think we deserve whatever we get, or we don't have a right to expect more. In my case, I got stuck in the FOG by thinking that, because I loved my ex so much, I'd be able to help her get better. She didn't, because she chose to continue living in denial, and refused or was unable to see and accept her role in the dysfunction. Once I accepted that leaving her to preserve my own sanity and happiness wasn't abandoning her, things began to get lighter, clearer.

Keep going, Questioning. And don't punish yourself for deciding to take care of yourself instead of her. You are responsible for you, and she is responsible for her.

Hang in there. 

[PhoenixRising15]

Thank you for your support... .

Why don't I trust myself?

Because I told her exactly how to manipulate me.  Literally.  I said, these are the things I need you to do and say for me to feel safe in this relationship.

We worked hard at the end.  Things seemed like they were getting better.

I'm afraid because she knows my deepest self.  I exposed my inner child to her.

She played on it right to the very end.

Was she really sorry she hurt me as she begged in her last email?

I think she was sorry she was caught.  I think she was ashamed being caught with one foot out the door.  I think she was ashamed that she had done the things she'd done.

But to me, sorry implies a willingness and a desire to change.  Not to hop into bed with the next source of narcissistic supply.  That's how disordered thinking goes.

I can't trust myself mainly because I project myself onto her.

I see so much of my old, isolated addicted self that would do anything to be around people.

I slept with people I didn't want to.  I did drugs and drank to entertain my friends.  I listened to whatever they said because I believed they accepted me.

I watched her do it, and I forgave her countless times.  I was truly forgiving myself I think.  Watching how alcohol and drug abuse wrecked my relationships, hurt those around me more than me, kept me isolated.

I'm afraid because I don't know if its BPD or drug abuse or both.

I know she has deep psychological trauma.  Through my own skills of processing my emotions, I helped her process some of her own.  But that's where it got sicker.  I got sick of being the therapist and wanted to be the boyfriend.  That was one of our last conversations.  She said she wanted it too.

It hurts because I know I could forgive her, if she truly made amends, expressed genuine remorse, and made a commitment to be better in relationships and to herself.

It hurts not knowing. 

I'm afraid because she's lied so much, I don't know what to believe, and she's so terribly terribly good at it, that I don't know how to figure it out anymore.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, she'll be back.  I predicted her behavioral patterns as they were happening.  I tried to warn her.  Begged her to be wary.  Yet still she hurt me.

I don't trust myself to make good decisions regarding her anymore.

I've had enough sexual experience in my life to know when sex is just sex, and I know what it's like to be young and want to have fun. 

It's that that hurts the most, replaying the childhood trauma of manipulation and sex.  She never had the ability to break free and just say, I want to be single right now.  It's not working out.  Can we try this sometime in the future?

Instead, she strung me along with a bunch of broken promises.

I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't know.

I don't know if she is deeply troubled and I should just forgive her, or if she was malicious and did things with conscious intent.

I know what I'd have to hear to give her the time of day:

1.) I messed up.  I lied, I cheated, I was afraid you would abandon me, and I didn't have the courage to walk away.

2.) I quit drugs.  They really messed me up, they hurt us, and all my junkie friends hurt any chance of us being together.  I see how they weren't really my friends, but a bunch of enabling junkies, and they're out of my life.

It's that stupid hope that I hold out in my heart.  It's what keeps me bargaining with myself.

It's the what-ifs that make me sick.

A deep dark addiction in addition to her trauma add up to me not having her in my life.

I feel cheated out of a r/s with a good loving person because of her addiction.

I want to hold out hope that she is a good person under there, but addiction has rocked her to her core.  She just doesn't see it.

I don't know.  I lost my concentration writing this, but just writing it, and knowing that someone, somewhere out there will read it, I feel heard and understood.  The only thing I ever wanted out of my r/s.

:'(

[HarmKrakow]

I don't know.  I lost my concentration writing this, but just writing it, and knowing that someone, somewhere out there will read it, I feel heard and understood.  The only thing I ever wanted out of my r/s.

:'(

One big fat hug for you! <HUG> HUG!

Breathe in mate. Breathe out.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hAsfEhegNA

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMRrCYPxD0I

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu5oaty0uJM

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU0PYcCsL6o

Hope you enjoy it :P

[eyvindr]

We hear you, Questioning.

If this is helping, let's continue... .

Why don't I trust myself?

Because I told her exactly how to manipulate me.  Literally.  I said, these are the things I need you to do and say for me to feel safe in this relationship.

We worked hard at the end.  Things seemed like they were getting better.

I'm afraid because she knows my deepest self.  I exposed my inner child to her.

What you did is a normal and healthy part of being in a romantic relationship. Aren't you only saying that you opened yourself to her? Because you loved her? Because, as her lover, you wanted her to truly know you, so she could truly love you? You were trying to communicate, Questioning -- you didn't do anything wrong. You can't truly be in love without truly stepping into vulnerability.

Was she really sorry she hurt me as she begged in her last email?

I think she was sorry she was caught.  I think she was ashamed being caught with one foot out the door.  I think she was ashamed that she had done the things she'd done.

Who knows? Maybe she was sorry -- I always believed my ex was sorry when she managed to find her way to apologizing. Even though I feel like I had to teach her how to do it (a separate, long story). I could sense her pain, her sorrow -- because I loved her. But, like you, I was also willing and capable of forgiving her. With our exes, their illnesses prevented them from having that capacity.

Also, everything with pwBPD happens in moments, and is gone in an instant. Each moment, good or bad, every incident happens in a vacuum, disconnected from the continuum of life. I remember having a conversation with my ex once where she expressed genuine fascination that I could remember how I felt about who I was at different points in my life. She said, "Isn't that confusing?" I think she truly lives from one feeling to the next. She used to attribute this to ADHD. Who knows.

But to me, sorry implies a willingness and a desire to change.  Not to hop into bed with the next source of narcissistic supply.  That's how disordered thinking goes.

Yes. It does. You can trust yourself on that.

I can't trust myself mainly because I project myself onto her.

I see so much of my old, isolated addicted self that would do anything to be around people.

I slept with people I didn't want to.  I did drugs and drank to entertain my friends.  I listened to whatever they said because I believed they accepted me.

I watched her do it, and I forgave her countless times.  I was truly forgiving myself I think. Watching how alcohol and drug abuse wrecked my relationships, hurt those around me more than me, kept me isolated.

This is deep and valuable insight, Questioning! Do you think that it's possible that some portion of your deep love for your ex stems from recognizing in her your own weaknesses? Do you see how that might trigger your own compassion?

It hurts because I know I could forgive her, if she truly made amends, expressed genuine remorse, and made a commitment to be better in relationships and to herself.

It hurts not knowing. 

I'm afraid because she's lied so much, I don't know what to believe, and she's so terribly terribly good at it, that I don't know how to figure it out anymore.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, she'll be back.  I predicted her behavioral patterns as they were happening.  I tried to warn her.  Begged her to be wary.  Yet still she hurt me.

I don't trust myself to make good decisions regarding her anymore.

It sounds to me like you have very many reasons to trust yourself, Questioning!

I know how much this sucks. But you know what I see here?

I see someone who is brave enough to reach deep down inside and not only confront their own demons, but give them all a big hug, yank them into the light of day, look them in the eyes and tell them: "Hey! You! -- guess what? Without me, you don't exist. I'm in charge here now."

[Ironmanrises]

Thank you for your support... .

Why don't I trust myself?

Because I told her exactly how to manipulate me.  Literally.  I said, these are the things I need you to do and say for me to feel safe in this relationship.

We worked hard at the end.  Things seemed like they were getting better.

I'm afraid because she knows my deepest self.  I exposed my inner child to her.

She played on it right to the very end.

Was she really sorry she hurt me as she begged in her last email?

I think she was sorry she was caught.  I think she was ashamed being caught with one foot out the door.  I think she was ashamed that she had done the things she'd done.

But to me, sorry implies a willingness and a desire to change.  Not to hop into bed with the next source of narcissistic supply.  That's how disordered thinking goes.

I can't trust myself mainly because I project myself onto her.

I see so much of my old, isolated addicted self that would do anything to be around people.

I slept with people I didn't want to.  I did drugs and drank to entertain my friends.  I listened to whatever they said because I believed they accepted me.

I watched her do it, and I forgave her countless times.  I was truly forgiving myself I think.  Watching how alcohol and drug abuse wrecked my relationships, hurt those around me more than me, kept me isolated.

I'm afraid because I don't know if its BPD or drug abuse or both.

I know she has deep psychological trauma.  Through my own skills of processing my emotions, I helped her process some of her own.  But that's where it got sicker.  I got sick of being the therapist and wanted to be the boyfriend.  That was one of our last conversations.  She said she wanted it too.

It hurts because I know I could forgive her, if she truly made amends, expressed genuine remorse, and made a commitment to be better in relationships and to herself.

It hurts not knowing. 

I'm afraid because she's lied so much, I don't know what to believe, and she's so terribly terribly good at it, that I don't know how to figure it out anymore.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, she'll be back.  I predicted her behavioral patterns as they were happening.  I tried to warn her.  Begged her to be wary.  Yet still she hurt me.

I don't trust myself to make good decisions regarding her anymore.

I've had enough sexual experience in my life to know when sex is just sex, and I know what it's like to be young and want to have fun. 

It's that that hurts the most, replaying the childhood trauma of manipulation and sex.  She never had the ability to break free and just say, I want to be single right now.  It's not working out.  Can we try this sometime in the future?

Instead, she strung me along with a bunch of broken promises.

I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't know.

I don't know if she is deeply troubled and I should just forgive her, or if she was malicious and did things with conscious intent.

I know what I'd have to hear to give her the time of day:

1.) I messed up.  I lied, I cheated, I was afraid you would abandon me, and I didn't have the courage to walk away.

2.) I quit drugs.  They really messed me up, they hurt us, and all my junkie friends hurt any chance of us being together.  I see how they weren't really my friends, but a bunch of enabling junkies, and they're out of my life.

It's that stupid hope that I hold out in my heart.  It's what keeps me bargaining with myself.

It's the what-ifs that make me sick.

A deep dark addiction in addition to her trauma add up to me not having her in my life.

I feel cheated out of a r/s with a good loving person because of her addiction.

I want to hold out hope that she is a good person under there, but addiction has rocked her to her core.  She just doesn't see it.

I don't know.  I lost my concentration writing this, but just writing it, and knowing that someone, somewhere out there will read it, I feel heard and understood.  The only thing I ever wanted out of my r/s.

:'(

:'(

I just broke down... .

Reading all of that.

A reminder... .

That this hell... .

Is real.

Very real.

I know how you feel.

In bold.

I predicted the same behavioral patterns... .

That my exUBPgf exhibited... .

In round 2... .

Almost to the letter.

I even predicted... .

The very month... .

She was going to trigger... .

On the very day she returned to me.

I remember looking at the calendar... .

In February... .

And saying... .

In April... .

She will begin to transform... .

Into the other.

And that... .

Is exactly... .

What happened.

I can no longer look at calendars... .

The same way again.

Made no difference.

I tried to warn her too.

She started to hear me... .

Less and less.

Made no difference.

She still hurt me too.

In bold/underlined.

I dont trust myself... .

In that regards too.

I know exactly how you feel.

And that hurts... .

Magnified... .

Multiple times.

You feel even more exposed in the process.

I know that too.

In bold/italics/underlined.

You are heard brother.

Your words resonate.

I could have written... .

A lot of them myself.

I no longer felt heard... .

Or understood... .

In my r/s as well.

Especially... .

Towards the end.

She stopped hearing me.

And that... .

Further... .

Amplified... .

My powerlessness... .

To such a degree... .

That i literally felt... .

Completely alone.

It was all i wanted too.

I know exactly... .

How you feel.

Hang in there brother.

You are not alone.

We heard you.

On all levels.

[PhoenixRising15]

Thank you all for your compassion.

I do have so much compassion for her.  I know intellectually "why" she does what she does.

I've been there.

That's what makes this non-contact so hard.

I want to tell her I understand, and I don't blame her.  I hope she gets help and I'm here for her if she ever does decide to do it.

Then the adult in me, shielding my victimized child, says you cannot ever trust her again with such blatant violations of trust.

The irony of all of this is that 4 years after I broke up with my on-again-off-again gf from college, a girl whom I abused emotionally terribly and used for sex, has become one of my closest friends recently.

I made amends to her and apologized for everything I did, and we decided it was best to keep it as friends.

The stupid bargaining part of my grief wants to hold out hope for that day.  Hope that she one day wakes up and realizes just how badly she hurt me.

I don't know if she's BPD or just a plain old run of the mill drug addict.  I know there was not one single day, NOT ONE DAY we spent together sober.  She was high on something the entire time we were together or coming down.  EVERY DAY.

That's why it's so hard for me to blame her.  I see her emotional turmoil, and I want to take it all away, give her a gentle hug, and tell her its not her fault her dad did so many drugs and ran around on her mom, tell her its not her fault that a meth head killed her grandmother, its not her fault her ex boyfriends abused her.

For so long, I was so strong and so detached.  I could see when her anger wasn't about me.  I'd tell her these things.

Why can't I do this now?

I feel so used. 

I was holding out, going to al-anon to deal with my codependency, waiting to see if she'd clean up her act, but the closer I got, the more loving and accepting the more she pushed me away.

I don't understand why someone who has gone through so much pain would want to cause it in others, but she took such pleasure in it sometimes.  I don't understand why the world has to be so cruel to some people.

I'm ashamed of things I've done in my past too.  I've made my amends.

I know this all has a purpose.  I learned so much from her and I want to reach out and thank her for that, but I know it will do nothing but open me to further hurt.

As for those youtube clips, thank you.  I've had myself a nice long cry writing this and listening to those.

I just wish sometimes it were easier to let go and let the universe take me where it wants. 

In a way, I guess that is what happened.  I had to get here to truly find my self, and I'm in the process of doing that now.

Thank you.  Thank you all for being here.  Thank you all for listening.

It just helps so much to know I'm not alone.  I'm not stupid and worthless for trying.  I'm not a failure at life because someone, multiple people took advantage of me.

I have such trouble not blaming myself, shaming myself, looking in the mirror and saying, "geez man, you tried.  You tried HARD.  You LOVED.  She didn't give it back and that's not your fault."

Ir's so hard to say it's not my fault.  It's all the worse picturing her in her head laughing and telling her friends how wicked I am.

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

What on earth will it take to forgive myself and place responsibility for others actions on them?

[Ironmanrises]

Thank you all for your compassion.

I do have so much compassion for her.  I know intellectually "why" she does what she does.

I've been there.

That's what makes this non-contact so hard.

I want to tell her I understand, and I don't blame her.  I hope she gets help and I'm here for her if she ever does decide to do it.

Then the adult in me, shielding my victimized child, says you cannot ever trust her again with such blatant violations of trust.

The irony of all of this is that 4 years after I broke up with my on-again-off-again gf from college, a girl whom I abused emotionally terribly and used for sex, has become one of my closest friends recently.

I made amends to her and apologized for everything I did, and we decided it was best to keep it as friends.

The stupid bargaining part of my grief wants to hold out hope for that day.  Hope that she one day wakes up and realizes just how badly she hurt me.

I don't know if she's BPD or just a plain old run of the mill drug addict.  I know there was not one single day, NOT ONE DAY we spent together sober.  She was high on something the entire time we were together or coming down.  EVERY DAY.

That's why it's so hard for me to blame her.  I see her emotional turmoil, and I want to take it all away, give her a gentle hug, and tell her its not her fault her dad did so many drugs and ran around on her mom, tell her its not her fault that a meth head killed her grandmother, its not her fault her ex boyfriends abused her.

For so long, I was so strong and so detached.  I could see when her anger wasn't about me.  I'd tell her these things.

Why can't I do this now?

I feel so used. 

I was holding out, going to al-anon to deal with my codependency, waiting to see if she'd clean up her act, but the closer I got, the more loving and accepting the more she pushed me away.

I don't understand why someone who has gone through so much pain would want to cause it in others, but she took such pleasure in it sometimes.  I don't understand why the world has to be so cruel to some people.

I'm ashamed of things I've done in my past too.  I've made my amends.

I know this all has a purpose.  I learned so much from her and I want to reach out and thank her for that, but I know it will do nothing but open me to further hurt.

As for those youtube clips, thank you.  I've had myself a nice long cry writing this and listening to those.

I just wish sometimes it were easier to let go and let the universe take me where it wants. 

In a way, I guess that is what happened.  I had to get here to truly find my self, and I'm in the process of doing that now.

Thank you.  Thank you all for being here.  Thank you all for listening.

It just helps so much to know I'm not alone.  I'm not stupid and worthless for trying.  I'm not a failure at life because someone, multiple people took advantage of me.

I have such trouble not blaming myself, shaming myself, looking in the mirror and saying, "geez man, you tried.  You tried HARD.  You LOVED.  She didn't give it back and that's not your fault."

Ir's so hard to say it's not my fault.  It's all the worse picturing her in her head laughing and telling her friends how wicked I am.

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

What on earth will it take to forgive myself and place responsibility for others actions on them?

In bold/underlined.

Your ex will make that realization... .

But that comes... .

With a price... .

Due to her disorder.

(Many of the things you mention strongly indicate BPD)... .

That price is... .

That realization... .

Comes... .

In moments of time.

From point A... .

To point B.

And then like before... .

It disappears.

Vanishes.

A transitory realization... .

Of something... .

That needs... .

For us... .

To be... .

Lasting.

With the pwBPD... .

This will not happen.

I got that transitory realization... .

Of her knowing... .

That she hurt me in round 1... .

When she came back.

It disappeared... .

After she was triggered.

Just like that.

Gone.

It is something... .

That all of us nons... .

Struggle with.

Keep posting on here Question.