Educational behavior from a BPD towards her child(ren)

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Hi,

What I've experienced, and came to think about at the end of a weekend with friends who share the same hobby as I do, I came to think of this.

From what I've experience, my ex partner, only took her daughter (8-12 year old during our r/s) to a zoo or something related to animals and that was her way of educating her daughter.

She never took her daughter to anything that was educational on other matters, I was the only one who actually did.  We visited interactive museums and locations on sea life, the earth, old sailing ship, Napoleonic fort, world wars etc.

I was wondering if this lack of interest in something, due to their BPD, was seen or experienced by others on the forum towards your or their children.

Thanks for sharing your story !

Reg

[Reg]

Hi,

What I've experienced, and came to think about at the end of a weekend with friends who share the same hobby as I do, I came to think of this.

From what I've experience, my ex partner, only took her daughter (8-12 year old during our r/s) to a zoo or something related to animals and that was her way of educating her daughter.

She never took her daughter to anything that was educational on other matters, I was the only one who actually did.  We visited interactive museums and locations on sea life, the earth, old sailing ship, Napoleonic fort, world wars etc.

I was wondering if this lack of interest in something, due to their BPD, was seen or experienced by others on the forum towards your or their children.

Thanks for sharing your story !

Reg

[ts919]

Reg - I think I've noticed a similar thing going on with my uBPDw and my S6 (she is his step-mom), in that anytime we are to do anything like go to a zoo, take a trip to a museum, go to a water park - pretty much anything that you would do with a kid that involves going somewhere and spending a day doing it, turns into an issue at first.  It's not necessarily education oriented, but I can promise you, if I didn't insist on taking him, she would never even dream up the idea.  After being married for two years and getting to know my in-laws, I've pretty much figured out that her dad thinks anything like that was for "rich kids" and probably caused a scene every time her mother wanted to take the kids somewhere fun and/or educational.  I'm not sure if this is 100% on the same wave as you are talking about but it seemed close!  My uBPDw (soon to be ex) almost always is very glad we went after the fact and generally has a good time, it's just getting her past that initial shock that we are going to go do something like the zoo.  If you asked her, she would most definitely tell you what a great idea the zoo is, how much fun the zoo is, and how she can't wait to take her step-son to the zoo... .but when you say, "Hey, let's plan on going to the zoo next Saturday" you can count on the next week being basically hell

 

[Reg]

Hi ts919,

Thanks ! Sounds pretty much the same.  I did a number of these things with my former step daughter alone, and some of them with my ex partner as well.  But she would never take the initiative her self, and whe was scared to walk around in large crowds as well !  I was never able to take her to a big event such as a construction exhibition when we were renovating her house etc.  It scared the hell out of her !

She most of the time enjoyed things just as your ex partner afterwards.  

Similar behavior very often as well as you told in your last lines.  I wonder if the lack of personality is also resulting in a lack of interest in things... .

Mine didn't have any hobbies as well, just cars, BMW only, because that gave her a feeling of some identity by having one of these cars.

Reg

[PrettyPlease]

Reg and ts919, interesting thread.

I've noticed something in three uBPD people I've known that might be related: they don't seem to have normal curiosity. Everything they're interested in appears to be related to them in a goal-oriented, survival sort of way.

Maybe this lack of interest in 'educational activities' for children is related.

To me this makes sense from what I know of the attachment disorders (which BPD is often described as resulting from), where a securely attached child will go out and explore independently, knowing they have a secure base to come back to. In disrupted attachment, a secure base doesn't exist, so it's never internalized.

Then as a BPD adult, no internalized secure base might mean no exploring capability, no curiosity, no value in 'educational activities'.

And, another way I've looked at it -- with a uBPD ex-friend who appears to have a very strong case of the disorder -- is that he can't admit being wrong, to the degree that he can't admit he doesn't know anything.

So maybe a trip to the zoo, with a lot of volatile options about what will happen there, seems to a BPD like a possibility that they'll make a mistake or look like they don't know what's going on; which might then lead to the abandonment fear, emotional dysregulation, and all the rest. 

PP

[ts919]

And, another way I've looked at it -- with a uBPD ex-friend who appears to have a very strong case of the disorder -- is that he can't admit being wrong, to the degree that he can't admit he doesn't know anything.

So maybe a trip to the zoo, with a lot of volatile options about what will happen there, seems to a BPD like a possibility that they'll make a mistake or look like they don't know what's going on; which might then lead to the abandonment fear, emotional dysregulation, and all the rest.   

That's an interesting point PP - I think you have something there!  This past summer, right when school was ending, I wanted to take my son to an indoor water park as a reward for doing such a good job his first year in kindergarten.  Previously (back in the good old days when it was just he and I!) we  both have really enjoyed water parks - I love taking him because when I was little my family didn't really have the money to go do those things very often - we both just have such a good time!  So, I mentioned it to uBPDw that I would like to take him as a reward; she immediately shot it down with a nasty attitude... ."Water parks are stupid and a waste of money and time; especially indoor water parks.  You don't take kids to water parks in the summertime".  Keep in mind it was late May and where we live that generally constitutes cooler weather (think low 70's) - definitely not hot enough to go to an outdoor park or swimming pool.  Also keep in mind that she has no children of her own, she doesn't babysit other kids, her extended family only has one or two little kids in it  that she's not very involved with... .but she seems to know a lot about what a bad parent I am   Anyway... .we end up going to the water park (I told her at the time that I didn't care if she thought it was a good idea or not, I was taking him because he's MY son and it's MY money and MY time... .at this point I've just had enough) and guess who had an awesome time?  She did.  Guess what else I found out?  She's NEVER BEEN TO A WATER PARK BEFORE.    But yet they were stupid... .

She couldn't stop talking about how much fun it was for days... .I mean seriously, days.  How she would love to just move up there and hang out all day, how we should book a whole weekend... .on and on and on. 

I won't lie - I wanted to kick her in the teeth

Replace "water park" with "zoo" or "museum" or "new church" or "Kids halloween party" or "chuck e cheese" or whatever... .it's almost the same result every time. 

I've just come to the conclusion that most of this stems from her childhood - I've gotten the impression that her family never did anything even remotely close or if they did, dad generally ruined it for everyone.  But PP I think you're right as well - too many options at a zoo or a water park.  No quick exits.  Too many things to mess up (although I'm not exactly sure what you could mess up at a zoo or a water park!).  Who knows... .

[Reg]

Hi

I do agree with both of you, what's even more I get the feeling that my ex partner didn't get to see a lot herself on that matter.  She really hasn't seen very much when she was young except the same camping place over and over again, and if she is to go on travel it mostly is camping, and she always goes to that one same place, as if she only feels secure over there !

What I've often experienced is, that if it was not work related, she doesn't really have a clue about anything in life.

The only thing she pretended to find important is animals, but that is also pretending, animals are so much better than humans.  But when her dog had to be operated, it was drama all over her FB page at the time, and the same evening she just went out, although her dog had a serious operation and was just home since a few hours.  What she said to be so important was just smoke and mirrors as well to the outside world.  Attention and drama.

Actually, no personality, and no knowledge about anything in life... .  Not a good example for kids, holding them back in development as a person and learning.

Reg