feeling overwhelmed and sad

[Twinb69]

Hello,

I've recently discovered BPD. And have read the Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I am very sure my 19 year old son has this but of course, he has not been diagnosed. He refuses to get any help or see anyone. He blames everyone for all the bad things in his life and takes absolutely no responsibility for anything. He blames me viciously at times. His mean words cut me to the core. It has been years of hell with him. He had to leave my home with the help of family services a year ago. He had been kicked out of his dad's house two years prior. He moved back to my house and immediately began to take control. His older sister moved in with her dad because of all the stress. I lived in fear of my son due to his rage. I am still afraid of him and I do things that he "asks" of me to "keep the peace." But it is eroding any part of me that is left. It has taken a toll on all aspects of my life. Now to make things worse, his girlfriend, who lives with him, is pregnant. But she comes to stay with me when the arguments get too much for her to handle. She too is afraid of him. Baby is due in 7 weeks. They are in a bachelor apartment with no room for anything "baby." He completely flipped out when I told him he could not move back in with me. I'm feeling overwhelmed and sad. And quite frankly, am tired of hearing about his feelings and now reading about them. What about my feelings? When do they matter? I'm trying to "love" my son but am feeling more hate than anything. I hate him but I hate me more for "giving in" to him all the time... .but it's hard not too when I am fearful... .

Am giving up hope

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[whirlwinded]

Hi, when I saw your subject, I had to respond... .it broke my heart.  I know how you feel, I feel the same.  I'm here looking for answers too.  I just signed up.  I have just come out of a 2 week depression dealing with my BPD.  I'm here because I need help desperately and feel overwhelmed and sad to the point that all I do is sleep, because at least I can't hear the accusations, the blaming and that I'm doing this or that wrong.  I think we will find some answers and comfort I truly hope.  When I read the stories, here I think has someone been videotaping whats going on in my home.  At least now I know its not my fault... .I thought I was going crazy and questioned my own sanity but now I have the comfort of knowing (and you too) its not us.  Now we just need to figure out how to solve the problem.

[jellibeans]

twinb69

I feel for you and it must be very hard to have contact with your son. Do you think he feels anger towards you because his gf is escaping to your home? Can I ask you why you can't say no? Are you afraid of violence? I am going to suggest you read Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr... .it has really helped me.

He is not living at home but wants to move back because of the baby?This puts you in a very difficult situation when there is a baby involved. I can see how he might be feeling the stress of the siutation and wants you to fix it for him. I find my dd treats me the worse when she is in the most pain. Can you try and probe him with question or suggestions rather than being the fix he wants? I am sure he is feeling rejected by you right now and that must carry some scary feeling for him.

Ignore the words he says to hurt you... .there is not truth in those words... .he wants to hurt you because he is hurting... .try to take the emotion out of the situation... .see the disorder for what it is... .he is sick and needs help.

Is there any way to sit down with him to discuss thing calmly? Find out what is at the root of the problem?

[Ms Mac]

Hello,

I've recently discovered BPD. I am very sure my 19 year old son has this but of course, he has not been diagnosed. He refuses to get any help or see anyone. He blames everyone for all the bad things in his life and takes absolutely no responsibility for anything. He blames me viciously at times. His mean words cut me to the core. It has been years of hell with him. He had to leave my home with the help of family services a year ago. He had been kicked out of his dad's house two years prior. He moved back to my house and immediately began to take control. His older sister moved in with her dad because of all the stress. I lived in fear of my son due to his rage. I am still afraid of him and I do things that he "asks" of me to "keep the peace." But it is eroding any part of me that is left. It has taken a toll on all aspects of my life. I'm feeling overwhelmed and sad. What about my feelings? When do they matter? I'm trying to "love" my son but am feeling more hate than anything. I hate him but I hate me more for "giving in" to him all the time... .but it's hard not too when I am fearful... .

Am giving up hope

wow when I read your post I couldn't believe how much of it sounded like my story. I feel for you.

We give birth to these gorgeous wee souls never believing they will turn into the monsters they have.

[heronbird]

Welcome Twinb69

Sad sad sad, its all very deeply sad and consumes you up :'( :'( :'(

We, here all understand how you feel, we all have similar things, and have been through so much.

Can I recommend you a book if you have the strength to try to read it, it will really help you and him.

It saved my family I think, its called Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr.

She will help you to see it from a different angle, and it really helped me so much I cant say it enough.

I love the compassion in the book, I also think the book is better than a lot of the others because she has a dd with BPD, all the other books are written by clinicians, they are much more detached. She is in our position so she is better person to write about it.

I wont go on, I hope you read it and I hope things get better

[Twinb69]

Thank you all for your kinds words and encouragement. I know I will find a support here. People who truly understand. We are kindred spirits I think. I have mentioned BPD about my son to a few people but I think they fear I will just make excuses for his behavior. Funny that the book by Valorie Porr was mentioned. I had already purchased it and started reading it this weekend. It has helped me gain a better understanding of what someone with BPD actually goes through and how their mind works... .or doesn't. My son has accepted the fact that he should not move back in with me. His gf has moved back in with him. They are looking for bigger apartment for when baby comes. I do fear his anger and what he's capable of when he is angry. This is why I have always offered my home to his gf and will especially do this for her and baby. I have always said my son is like a wild card and I just never know what I'm going to get... .a "bad" card or a "good" one. It is hard to not have this consume our lives. I know I live in a hypervigilant state. When things are "quiet" life is better and more manageable.But when they are "bad" it's horrible and can go from "0 to 60" in no time. I know that I am part of the problem being codependent and enabling so I am going to try to work on that.

Thanks again everyone. And I hope you all had an enjoyable and peaceful Thanksgivng weekend... .for my fellow Canadian friends.

[heronbird]

Hi,

Yes, you will find a lot of support here, its so good you found it, it took me a while to find it, but Im so glad I did, its been so good. I know you will find the same.

The worse thing my dd ever did to us as a family was have a baby. It draws the whole family into it.

From the age of 13 she has led a very colourful life but this is the hardest in a lot of ways.

If you say you think your son has BPD, but he is aggressive if you did mean that, sorry, maybe thats not the right word  have you checked out ASPD?

They say that is more common in boys, BPD more common in girls. I heard 70% boys its usually aspd. Its worth checking it out, just in case.

When my dd first got diagnosis, I was pleased they told me she will have this life long. Id rather know. But you know what, no one believed me, or they were all trying to cover over the prognosis, after 3 years, they believe me now. Its so invalidating when people do that.

I am glad you got that book, my second Bible really She talks about tennis in one part of the book and I think she has it just right, its like playing tennis, you stand there with your racket ready for the ball, you never know where its coming but you have to be ready in a split second. Thats like what you were saying Twinb69, about the wild card and never knowing what you are going to get.

They tell us not to be an enabler, not to be controlling, yet we only care/love. We are trying to help, ok, so I back off. But then a baby comes along and they need you then, if you dont have your gs/gd then you know what will happen. You have to. When she does not pay her bills, they write to us, yet she is homeless? do you get what Im saying. When it suits them.