How to Endure

[Drained Daughter]

My mom is a waif type BPD, she uses self abuse (suicide attempts, poor self care, addiction) to manipulate attention and to try to convince my sis and I that we need to let her move in with us (which she has decided is her only goal in life). 

We've decided that can't happen and she's repeatedly pushed me to tell her that.  She's 64 now and her health is failing.  I'm really struggling to endure this phase.  I have no hope that she will behave better or be safe enough to move into my home or have close contact with.  But she's always clamoring for more help and engagement from me, which I can't give anymore.

I'm wondering if anyone has thoughts on how to endure this phase of the relationship?  I'm basically just waiting for her to die, while repeatedly rebuffing her requests for more help and more caretaking.  I would like to be in the kind of mother daughter relationship where moving her closer and providing more support was a safe option, but it isn't.

What do you do in the endgame when there are no illusions of recovery and her health is just going to continue to decline.  Please share your thoughts/wisdom/experiences.

[Kwamina]

Hi Drained Daugther,

I have no immediate solutions for you but I can relate to what you're saying. My own uBPD mom is 73 now and as I was riding to work this morning, I was thinking about all the things she has ruined for me through the years. I decided that I really don't ever wanna live in the same house with her anymore because her behavior has hurt me too much. I sometimes find myself wondering why I even have contact with her at all because she has said and done extremely hurtful things. To be honest, I really don't like her, it's very hard to like someone who has greatly hurt you over and over again and has shown no sincere sign of remorse or willingess to change at all. She hasn't changed and even when she's acting relatively normal, I'm always on alert because I know the monster can resurface at any moment.

[Suzn]

We've decided that can't happen and she's repeatedly pushed me to tell her that.  

I'm sorry this is very hard. I know it is easy to say this is a time to try to become comfortable with the uncomfortable, difficult to do. Meaning having to tell your mother no, repeatedly. 

What do you do in the endgame when there are no illusions of recovery and her health is just going to continue to decline. 

This is very sad. Coming to terms with your situation is the hard part, it would be for anyone.    Most likely there will be a time when she doesn't have a choice of whether or not an assisted living residence is her only option. Have you and your sister discussed options for this possibility, when it does come? 

[Clearmind]

I think you are wise to stand by your boundary of not having Mom live with you – listen to your gut!

It’s OK to not want to go to her beck and call – boundaries also include removing yourself from her presence, phone conversations if she begins to guilt trip.

Mom won’t like the boundaries – however they are there to protect you.

There is little you can do to change Mom and we often hope that they will. All we do is change our perception of events and manage our own guilt for stepping back. So enduring has more to do with relinquishing childhood conditioning that you need to “always be available”. The more you are available and make yourself available the less she will do for herself.

Have you and sis had a chat about how you can both approach and be consistent with boundaries? What sort of boundaries have you exercised so far?

Its important not to reinforce bad behavior with attention. This will drain you.

[sophiegirl]

similar mother type here. mine is 88 now, 5 years ago she moved in next door, she just rang up one day and announced that she was coming to live with us and told everyone it was my idea. I wouldn't recommend it. There are good times and bad, the bad I really struggle to cope - hence how I arrived here. I am an only child and she pulled the no friends, all on my own blah blah waif act on me totally out of the blue. There was no way I was having her living with us so we built a unit next door for her. So If I were you definitely organise a plan with your sister in advance of any mother tricks she might pull.

[zone out]

Drained Daughter

I can so identify with what you are going through.  My mother is in her mid 80s, still able to live independently although for how much longer, I don't know.  She would be majority waif with flashes of witch and hermit.  I too am sure I could not cope as a full time caregiver for her.

Nothing I do is really enough for her, I visit her 3/4 times a week, phone her every day but she has started to expect me around more.  I have now dug the heels in so to speak - and I think if we feel we are being drawn in bit by bit it is important to think in advance what you are able to do and then you are more prepared to say no (I always have to have an excuse ready but really we should just say no, I can't - I always go for the softly softly approach). 

My mother would not entertain any form of assessment by elder person staff etc. but if your mother would be amenable to this, it would be worth trying to get others involved sooner rather than later. 

[Drained Daughter]

Thank you all for your good advice and encouragement.  I was sure that others here must be going through similar struggles.  Everything about dealing with a BPD family member is hard, but it is just so hard to truly accept the depths of how sad, desperate, and utterly unsolvable this disease leaves the sufferer.  I really liked the way you put it Suzn

this is a time to try to become comfortable with the uncomfortable,

I'll be repeating that to myself like a mantra!

My sis and I have set a number of consistent boundaries (including that we will not move her to one of the cities we live in) and some that are unique to each of us.  It helps a lot that we both are on the same page about the situation.

I'm sure that it is a good idea for us to start looking for good assisted living options.  I'm just so tired of figuring out her life for her that now that it is reasonable to do so, my tank is completely on empty (not to mention that I never go more that 1-2 weeks without handling something for her). Hopefully, I'll generate some momentum soon.  She has always said she would rather die than go to assisted living but maybe that will change. 

ZoneOut, I'm pretty sure I would have the same experience you have.  So far nothing I've done has ever been enough.  The last time my sis got her an apartment near her, my mom would come over every day sit in her house all night and it still ended in her screaming in the yard and throwing things at her house at midnight due to some perceived slight.

Ugh.  Such a tiring situation.  Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences.  It makes it easier to stay strong and stick to boundaries.

[zone out]

Hi Drained Daughter

Just wondering how things are going with you - we seem to wind up on several of the same boards.  Over this week-end my mother has started either refusing to take her heart meds or making out that she cannot understand her tablet box which she was fine with last week and the week before.  I think she might be getting to the stage where she needs a regular home care visitor.  Mentioned it tonight - did not get good reaction but unless she gets things sorted in her head I will have to start the ball rolling next week with her doctor.

As you say Drained Daughter this is not an easy phase.  I think I am going to be repeating Suzn's mantra too.  Thank you Suzn for your wise advice!

[Drained Daughter]

Zoneout, 

Thanks for checking in!  I've also noticed that we move in the same circles (board threads).  I always appreciate hearing your input/thoughts.

Sorry to hear about your tough week.  I think these kind of situations are so much harder with a waif mother because it is nearly impossible to untangle whether they really cant do something for themselves (like the tablet box thing with your mom) or whether they would simply rather try to get you to do it.   

I hope the home health aid thing goes smoothly.  I've had some success with that before with my mom.  In addition to helping her it gave me a lot of psychological relief and made it feel more ok for me to step back and focus on my own life.  It was pricy though.

My mom is in a somewhat similar place.  She just got out of the hospital for the second time in a month for falls which have broken her arm (which I am pretty sure are drug use related). 

I'm actively trying taking some downtime from over engaging with her. She called me in a complete crisis last night (hysterical wailing and gnashing of teeth) explaining how everything is impossible for her due to her broken arm. 

I reminded her that all she had to do to get in home help was to call the home help agency (which she has used in the past, which I pay for, and whose number I gave her a week ago) to set up someone to come visit her as soon as she wanted.  She responded (through a waterfall of tears) that she could not call them because of her arm (even though she was on the phone with me at the time).  The rest of the phone call was her begging me to make the call for her. She hung up on me when (although I told her I would pay for it) I refused to place the call for her.

I just put my foot down because I couldn't stand it anymore.  I had just arranged a cat sitter for her (also at my expense).  And during the same phone call she told me that the $300 of food I sent her 1 week ago has all been thrown out or left to rot in her hallway (because she couldn't manage to put it away in the freezer).

It felt really harsh not to just make the call for her and I'm dealing with a lot of FOG.  But with my mom she is only ever as functional as you force her to be.  Most of our relationship over the past decade has felt like a self abuse game of chicken, where she holds herself hostage to see if she can hurt herself enough that I will swoop in to save her.  If she could I really believe she would lie in my guest bedroom for the rest of my life with me spoon feeding her.

Rather than engage with her, I've been reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life"  so far it is pretty good.  Have you read it?  What are you doing to cope with your stress right now?