Incorrect facial expressions

[bpbreakout]

While I was shaving this morning my uBPW started a "conversation" this morning about my facial expressions and how they were causing problems in our marriage. I explained that I really didn't want a fight & just stopped responding. Got an SMS about 20 ins later telling me she felt I didn't care about her, I'm new to this site so still working my way through thw whole BPD thing - seems like this could be "typical" BPD behaviour - just wondering if that souds right and if so how you all deal with this kind of thing. Thanks

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[izzitme]

   Welcome!  There are many comforting resources here that I think you will find many answers for. 

[123Phoebe]

Hi bpbreakout

The facial expression dilemma is one that I think a lot of people face, BPD or not.

Do you make faces from time to time?  I know I do  And so I admit it and try to put into words what's going on behind the "look".  In my own words, like, "I'm not quite sure what such and such means/meant, I'm feeling confused, can you help me understand?"  Instead of the old faithful defensive stance of This is whacked out and I'm not having any part of it.  :)on't even think about pointing out my stuff when I put up with blah blah blah.

There's a time and place for everything.  Sometimes, not having any part of it is the way to go... . Know yourself (boundaries) and pick your battles, with an open mind and heart.

[Chosen]

Hi bpbreakout,

First, I want to say that you are not alone in facing such accusations.  Me, too.  When H is dysregulated, every expression I have is wrong.  If I blink too much, I'm disrespecting him.  If I look at him wide-eyed without blinking, I'm looking hostile.  It's not me, you know; it's him.  I can look exactly the same as I did the moment before and suddenly he wouldn't be ok with it anymore.

I think it is worth thinking whether your expressions did cause some problems.  pwBPDs are very sensitive (sometimes hypersensitive) to emotions, so they may detect things even if you're trying not to show them.

Her saying "you don't care about me", though, is just a way to lure you back into the conversation, because you mentioned you have stopped responding (which is good- you cannot win).  Remember don't get lured into an argument about whether you are about her though, otherwise you will be defending yourself on two things at the same time, and the conversation will just get out of hand!

Take care.

[eeyore]

I had similar issues with my expressions in the past.  Here is a link to the thread.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=154692.0