Nearly emailed my BPDexgf today. What would you have done.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi guys.

overall I'm feeling ok. I had a rough few weeks but again I am moving on with life slowly doing my thing. The one thing that hasn't changed is I haven't quite found peace yet. I love my ex and want the best for her however I do accept we can not be together. With that being said the lack of closure at times has still been very hard... .

I wanted to write to her that although she really hurt me with her lies, deception and insults that I two played a part and that I was sorry that I didn't handle things better and then wish her nothing but happiness.

As Clearmind would say

"what do you hope to achieve by this"

And then I thought I would like to get some things off my chest and have closure. It was then thanks to you guys I remembered BPD are not capable of giving closure and that by emailing her It could actually cause more harm and trigger her emotions and make her depressed and feel shame. I guess if I really have love for my ex it has to be from a distance and I need to still form the closure on my own. I think this is one time being selfless is a good thing.

What have you guys done or not done on your urge to email in the past?

[snappafcw]

Hi guys.

overall I'm feeling ok. I had a rough few weeks but again I am moving on with life slowly doing my thing. The one thing that hasn't changed is I haven't quite found peace yet. I love my ex and want the best for her however I do accept we can not be together. With that being said the lack of closure at times has still been very hard... .

I wanted to write to her that although she really hurt me with her lies, deception and insults that I two played a part and that I was sorry that I didn't handle things better and then wish her nothing but happiness.

As Clearmind would say

"what do you hope to achieve by this"

And then I thought I would like to get some things off my chest and have closure. It was then thanks to you guys I remembered BPD are not capable of giving closure and that by emailing her It could actually cause more harm and trigger her emotions and make her depressed and feel shame. I guess if I really have love for my ex it has to be from a distance and I need to still form the closure on my own. I think this is one time being selfless is a good thing.

What have you guys done or not done on your urge to email in the past?

[rags_and_feathers]

I fight these urges all the time, so I really hear you in the struggle.  I imagine what I would say if I were to write -- and I have considered actually composing an email and just keeping it, for my own reference, and not sending it.  I tried apologizing for my end of things, and wishing her well (much as you are describing) early on -- at first, we had a nearly-lucid, and seemingly mutual, exchange -- but then the rage and accusations got even worse and less rational.   At that point, I realized that there would never be closure, unless she does years of recovery work.   

I think identifying what you want to say, and what you wish she would say in return, is key.  Then, coming to terms with the fact that you won't be able to have that closure *with her* -- that you will have to find it within yourself.  Closure is intolerable for borderlines, and lack of closure is almost intolerable for us -- but we can learn to tolerate it and find it within ourselves.

[Ironmanrises]

What have you guys done or not done on your urge to email in the past... .?

Snap... .

I have had those urges too.

But then i remember... .

Her brutal behavior... .

Towards me... .

And only... .

Me... .

In devaluation.

Those memories... .

Are what i use... .

To help suppress... .

That urge.

It isnt a cure... .

But it does help.

If you were to send that email... .

Your ex... .

Will either... .

Ignore it... .

(Which will hurt you)... .

Will respond to it... .

As her excuse... .

To re engage you... .

(Which will hurt you far worse)... .

Will respond to it in a hurtful way... .

(Which will only hurt you)... .

If you write that email... .

Post it on here... .

As your release.

You know... .

We will read it... .

The way... .

It is meant to be read.

I know... .

That peace... .

That you seek.

I search... .

For the same.

So i know... .

How much it hurts... .

We all do.

Stay behind those massive... .

Rock walls... .

That you described to me... .

That are your walls of NC.

You still need to heal... .

Those walls... .

Will give you that buffer... .

To do so.

Hang in there Friend.

[rags_and_feathers]

Such great advice, Ironmanfalls --

Maybe we need a thread for us to post all those communications we dream of sending to our ex-es, but know we shouldn't send. 

[Learning_curve74]

I wanted to write to her that although she really hurt me with her lies, deception and insults that I two played a part and that I was sorry that I didn't handle things better and then wish her nothing but happiness.

As Clearmind would say

"what do you hope to achieve by this"

My T asked the same thing more succinctly, "What's the point?"

snappafcw, it sounds like you do know what the point is because:

I wanted to write to her that although she really hurt me with her lies, deception and insults that I two played a part and that I was sorry that I didn't handle things better and then wish her nothing but happiness.

You CAN write that letter, just like Ironman suggests. You are allowed to share it with us here (just redact all the names) or write it in a journal or somewhere but do not send it to her.

There IS a difference between having the thoughts floating around in your head and putting them down in a concrete form whether handwritten or typed on the computer. Something about the physical act and physically seeing the words creates a neural pattern in our mind that is different from merely ruminating about it. If you feel like doing it, just do it.  

[Jbt857]

Yrs, I agree. Write the letter. Just don't send it.

There's an awful lot of good to be found in putting those feelings down on paper, on getting those emotions onto the page.

I recently started journaling for that reason, and it's useful to see how my feelings change from one day to the next.

Just remember, it's a process. It can't be rushed or forced. It won't happen overnight, but if you keep taking proactive steps to understanding your role in the relationship and what led you there and made you stay, then you will get that clarity and heal.

I find I take two steps forwards and one backwards, then three strides forward, but so long as the trajectory is generally forwards I'm ok with that.

Hang in there.