BPD Ex-Husband is Suddenly Acting Reasonable

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm curious to hear if anyone else out there has had the experience of having their ex suddenly act like a totally reasonable person after the break-up.  I put up with years of total jerkiness from my soon-to-be ex-husband and now that we're getting divorced he seems totally normal. 

He was (and maybe still is) having an emotional affair with another woman, so that could explain his "up" mood.  But it's kind of weird (and oddly annoying) -- why couldn't he be like this while we were married?

I know I should be grateful that I don't have to put up with the anger, criticism and moody outbursts anymore but it kind of hurts that it takes getting a divorce for us to have the kind of relationship I wanted all along.

Has anyone else had this happen.  Have you gotten the whole "I still want to be friends" thing?  It's kind of maddening -- like he wants to have me in his life still, but only on the outskirts.

[sadderwiser]

I'm curious to hear if anyone else out there has had the experience of having their ex suddenly act like a totally reasonable person after the break-up.  I put up with years of total jerkiness from my soon-to-be ex-husband and now that we're getting divorced he seems totally normal. 

He was (and maybe still is) having an emotional affair with another woman, so that could explain his "up" mood.  But it's kind of weird (and oddly annoying) -- why couldn't he be like this while we were married?

I know I should be grateful that I don't have to put up with the anger, criticism and moody outbursts anymore but it kind of hurts that it takes getting a divorce for us to have the kind of relationship I wanted all along.

Has anyone else had this happen.  Have you gotten the whole "I still want to be friends" thing?  It's kind of maddening -- like he wants to have me in his life still, but only on the outskirts.

[DragoN]

"I still want to be friends" thing?  It's kind of maddening -- like he wants to have me in his life still, but only on the outskirts.

  sadderwiser. It's maddening.

My husband suggested we live as "room mates" a couple years ago. No thank you. So, I really have no idea what is going through his head now. Divorce was his idea, I filed. Now? It's all "normal" , and it mostly certainly is not.

[hopealways]

YES it is not uncommon.  

BPD is an emotional disorder.  High highs and low lows are common.  So is manipulation.  What you are seeing is temporary.  He has not changed. But it does give you hope! Oh yes it does, very much so.

[goldylamont]

yes this is very common. this is a common scenario although not sure if it's yours: his emotional or real affair with this other woman is boring him, or she's pissing him off (boring him), so now he puts on a mask of niceness to pull you back in so that he can hurt you again... .watch out!

[hardhabit2break]

Sadder wiser

I just posted something similar. I'm in the process of divorce with my uBPDH whose 6 month affair just ended.  Well, who shows up now? Mr. Nice Guy. He wants to work together to get the house sold and whatever else needs to be done. He wants to be nice.  Manipulation for sure. I know I need to be careful and keep my guard up.  Unfortunately in our 28 year marriage I allowed him to manipulate me. Now I have to learn how to deal with this person, not as my husband, but as someone who has done terrible things and hurt me so badly.  I'm not sure I know how. Please keep posting so I know how you are dealing.  Very frustrating, right?

[sadderwiser]

Thanks all for your responses -- it's really helpful to hear.  I just can't believe how much having a partner (ex-partner, I should say) with BPD makes you feel like you're going crazy.  I'm glad I keep journals over the years, re-reading them has helped me to remember just how much I've been tap-dancing around his moods all of this time. 

I remember him wanting to be "room mates" at one time too!  What is that?  A few times he's mentioned wanting to have this great friendship now that we're divorced.

You're probably right about the affair cooling off too -- I think she's going to be moving out of state in a few months. So frustrating that he turned to someone else after I stuck by him through some really awful emotional storms. But I'm committed to moving on and eventually (hopefully) finding a well-adjusted partner after I recover from this relationship.

Hope you all have a good, relaxing weekend.

[momtara]

Mine does this too.  But my story is different in that my husband is getting help and is trying to change.  He wants to come back, and in lucid moments, he admits he is mentally ill.  The thing is, I don't think he CAN change his deep seated issues - at least, not for years.  He goes from being reasonable and sweet to doing the same crap as before... .along with imagining things.  My head spins when I'm with him, and not in a good way.

Real change takes time and consistent effort.  I will always wonder if there was a small way we could have worked it out, but it's a big risk to let him back into my lfie and then have to kick him out again.  I sort of feel like if I get sucked back in now, I'll be there 20 years.