He's so damaged from her... please help... is there any hope for me? :(

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been dating this guy for almost 4 months. His (ex) wife had BPD and cheated on him (a couple times) and left him a little over six months ago. They were together for 7 years. He just now got served divorce papers. When I met him I didn't really know any of this. He was honest and upfront about it on our second date though, but I never fully knew what I was getting myself into with him. At the time I didn't really understand BPD and now that I've been reading about it, it scares the heck out of me! He fits the profile of the "damaged goods" man trying to get over the BPD wife so well! Aside from that, he's probably the best guy I've ever met and even though we haven't been together that I long I honestly really love him. From our first date, I thought to myself, how could ANYONE leave this guy? Seriously? He's kind, loving and coming from an abusive ex, he was a dream come true for me! The problem is... .

He just is really hung up on her. Yea, we're dating and he tries hard to show me love and affection but I know (as any woman I think can't read into) that it's very much a forced love. He talks about her all the time, (every day actually) and not just in passing! I think we spend at least 50% of our time on her or things related to her. I try to be supportive and listen to him go over and over again what went wrong and why they broke up and offer him advice and support. He thinks of her as a poor victim of her circumstances. I thought that way too (at first) but now I've actually come to hate her. I hate her because I feel like she robbed me of my happiness with him by destroying this amazing guy for anyone else. I wish she could have dealt with the abuse I have in the past (my last bf knocked me around a lot and degraded me) so that she'd know what a good guy she had and ruined for women like me who would have killed for that. 

Anyway, I hoped with time he would have gotten over her but when he got served the divorce papers, he looked like he wanted to cry and got all upset. It was really painful for me to be standing there watching him so being hurt over it. It made me feel like "hey - remember me? I'm still here you know? I thought maybe you'd be happy with me... ." He always would stick up for her too. He helped her with car insurance and getting a new vehicle... .on the same day that my car broke down actually he went with her to get her a lower rate. He sticks up for her and for a while she was calling him almost every day. She still calls him periodically about nothing of importance. (Such as telling him the fact that her new car has OnStar and Bluetooth capabilities). She also texted him pictures of her slutty Halloween costume. He puts up with it though and tells me "it's a challenge" and "it's not really bothering me so you should support me through this".  He doesn't seem to care much if I stay or go either when it comes right down to it, to be honest.

In the past few weeks things seem to have gotten better, now that he's been literally forced into a divorce. He seems more attentive and less willing to stick up for her. He even says "well NOW I don't care anymore, cause it's over". The problem is, now it's me that is unsure. I love him a lot and I'm happy that he may (or may not) be coming back to normal because he is def a good person but I really feel hurt over being rejected (he never came out and said it but I knew he was always hung up on her) for the past few months. He didn't put me first and that really hurt me and has had an effect on me. At this point I'm wondering if there is any hope for us? He talks about moving in together in the next few months but now I find myself backing away because idk what will happen if she decides to "recycle" him... .and I don't want to get hurt again... .I've just been through enough you know?

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm torn in half and ready to cry

:'(

[Sophia86]

I've been dating this guy for almost 4 months. His (ex) wife had BPD and cheated on him (a couple times) and left him a little over six months ago. They were together for 7 years. He just now got served divorce papers. When I met him I didn't really know any of this. He was honest and upfront about it on our second date though, but I never fully knew what I was getting myself into with him. At the time I didn't really understand BPD and now that I've been reading about it, it scares the heck out of me! He fits the profile of the "damaged goods" man trying to get over the BPD wife so well! Aside from that, he's probably the best guy I've ever met and even though we haven't been together that I long I honestly really love him. From our first date, I thought to myself, how could ANYONE leave this guy? Seriously? He's kind, loving and coming from an abusive ex, he was a dream come true for me! The problem is... .

He just is really hung up on her. Yea, we're dating and he tries hard to show me love and affection but I know (as any woman I think can't read into) that it's very much a forced love. He talks about her all the time, (every day actually) and not just in passing! I think we spend at least 50% of our time on her or things related to her. I try to be supportive and listen to him go over and over again what went wrong and why they broke up and offer him advice and support. He thinks of her as a poor victim of her circumstances. I thought that way too (at first) but now I've actually come to hate her. I hate her because I feel like she robbed me of my happiness with him by destroying this amazing guy for anyone else. I wish she could have dealt with the abuse I have in the past (my last bf knocked me around a lot and degraded me) so that she'd know what a good guy she had and ruined for women like me who would have killed for that. 

Anyway, I hoped with time he would have gotten over her but when he got served the divorce papers, he looked like he wanted to cry and got all upset. It was really painful for me to be standing there watching him so being hurt over it. It made me feel like "hey - remember me? I'm still here you know? I thought maybe you'd be happy with me... ." He always would stick up for her too. He helped her with car insurance and getting a new vehicle... .on the same day that my car broke down actually he went with her to get her a lower rate. He sticks up for her and for a while she was calling him almost every day. She still calls him periodically about nothing of importance. (Such as telling him the fact that her new car has OnStar and Bluetooth capabilities). She also texted him pictures of her slutty Halloween costume. He puts up with it though and tells me "it's a challenge" and "it's not really bothering me so you should support me through this".  He doesn't seem to care much if I stay or go either when it comes right down to it, to be honest.

In the past few weeks things seem to have gotten better, now that he's been literally forced into a divorce. He seems more attentive and less willing to stick up for her. He even says "well NOW I don't care anymore, cause it's over". The problem is, now it's me that is unsure. I love him a lot and I'm happy that he may (or may not) be coming back to normal because he is def a good person but I really feel hurt over being rejected (he never came out and said it but I knew he was always hung up on her) for the past few months. He didn't put me first and that really hurt me and has had an effect on me. At this point I'm wondering if there is any hope for us? He talks about moving in together in the next few months but now I find myself backing away because idk what will happen if she decides to "recycle" him... .and I don't want to get hurt again... .I've just been through enough you know?

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm torn in half and ready to cry

:'(

[DragoN]

left him a little over six months ago. They were together for 7 years.

It's an addiction. Time will break the addiction. But that is up to him to work on it.

He fits the profile of the "damaged goods" man trying to get over the BPD wife so well! Aside from that, he's probably the best guy I've ever met and even though we haven't been together that I long I honestly really love him. From our first date,

and that would be the one above your head. Not his.

[Sophia86]

H2O, You are right about the . I probably did assume that too soon and maybe that's something I should look into for myself. Maybe I did move too fast or we got together too quickly after his break-up. I guess I never had it so good and it was too-good-to-be-true for me.

[fromheeltoheal]

6 months isn't long at all after 7 years, and seems to me that he is still emotionally involved with her, and isn't very far along in his detachment.  That makes me wonder if he's emotionally available to you yet.  You're in the middle of it, and never say never, but I wonder.  A relationship with a BPD includes an intensly loaded bond between them, it takes two to tango, and he may have a lot to untangle first, some of which he isn't aware of yet.  Good luck to you, and open communication is key.

[Hazelrah]

Hi Sophia86,

Very interesting post, and a perplexing situation... .not one we see very often on this site.  It grabbed my attention as I can picture myself as the gent you're talking about some time down the road, seeing as I'm in the midst of a situation resembling his.  However, I am with you in that it is extremely concerning that he spends so much of his time talking about her with you... .never mind talking with her.  Do they have kids together?  Either way, it must be extremely frustrating to love someone and not be sure exactly where the other person stands.

If I'm reading your account correctly, you two started dating about two months after his wife left?  Every situation is different, but I've got to say that seems a bit early for him to get involved in a new relationship... .and obviously, his behavior is telling you how far he is from being healed. 

There are a lot of red flags here... .you sound like a very caring person, and he sounds like a nice, sensitive soul, but it seems like a bad choice for him to be bringing a third person into a painful situation he is obviously still mired in.  To put it bluntly, I'd be very concerned that he is simply using this new relationship as a soothing buffer to ease the pain of his failed marriage.

Just be sure to take care of yourself as you navigate this situation.

[DragoN]

Sophia86,

I'll put this out there and it will make me look like dirt. Last year, a blast from the past contacted me. And somewhere along the line, found out he too had been through the meat grinder of a PD'd relationship. I am getting divorced. No love bombing or any of that, but boundaries were crossed and I crossed mine too. Looks like triangulation. Three people to be hurt in the mix.

idk what will happen if she decides to "recycle" him... .and I don't want to get hurt again... .I've just been through enough you know?

Recycling takes two. If he is relatively sane, I hope for your sake and his that he has the resolve to stay away from that particular drug.

A relationship with a BPD includes an intensly loaded bond between them, it takes two to tango, and he may have a lot to untangle first, some of which he isn't aware of yet.  Good luck to you, and open communication is key.

Agree about the bond, depends on the prior wounding in the non. Communication is key if you haven't that, you haven't much of anything other than smoke and mirrors.

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm torn in half and ready to cry

Feel for you. This is the problem with "insta love." How to love another when you cannot truly know them? Maybe I have a few odd thoughts, but if you can stand back from the fire and not get burnt and be a friend while he sorts himself out, that may be emotionally safer. From my perspective as a non, if I can't be friends with a man, why would I even consider him as a lover and a potential partner? Makes no sense to me.

There are no guarantees in life or love other than the one's you back yourself.

To put it bluntly, I'd be very concerned that he is simply using this new relationship as a soothing buffer to ease the pain of his failed marriage.



Just be sure to take care of yourself as you navigate this situation.

Agreed with your assessment. It would be so completely wrong to do that to another. I don't want to be anyone's rebound or band aid, nor would I want to make another the same.

[crazytrain2]

Oh Sophia, this is such a gut wrenching situation.  May I relay a past experience? Okay, I think I will... thanks... ... but actually I will.  And it doesn't concern my current Ex.

Once upon a time... .I met a wonderful man. Along our time together I learned a lot about him, both his current situation and his past and he was still a wonderful man.  He lost someone he was totally in love with, and after a while it became clear he still heald a torch for her.

A short time after the 'love of his life' left, he was encouraged to date another worman, who he impregnated (with twins!) and therefore tried to commit to, but was still not over the Ex.  Now this woman, in retrospect, felt his unavailablity and chose the unhealthy path some do of looking elsewhere when their needs aren't being met by their primary partner [and I'm talking about Non "personality disordered" but still maladaptive coping of less than ideal circumstances].  So the mother of his twins who he wasn't really able to attach to in the first place started to see other people she met online. Eventually "left him" for one of these guys... .got married, happily ever after.  Even though he wasn't in love with her, he was horribly resentful of the situation.

So I walk into this 'thing' not knowing much.  I see this great guy that has been handed crap by fate and now his luck was about to change with me!  Ummmm... .this was someone that was still holding a torch for someone, so still in love with one woman ( who by the time I met him was happily joyfully married and on her second child), and then also in hate with another woman--a woman he impregnated but probably got sick of being second fiddle to a ghost, and so where did that leave me?

In the meantime, he knows I'm great and actually feels more poorly about himself because he can't afford to 'treat' me well. So I actually felt bad about being good for and to him!

The end.  I called it and it was hard... .it was because there was so much "potential".  There really was, I was falling in love with this man.  But he was still in love with a ghost, and in hate with the person he had to co parent with. At the time I called it (which kind of ticked me off) I thought to myself, why did he make himself available to date! He is so far from that and I had to pay that price, but you know what... .we all get lonely and want to feel loveable and with time I see it.

I do have a personal mantra now that I will not, NOT enter into a relationship with someone that is inlove with an ex, or in hate with an ex.  They still have processing to do, no matter how great they are at the core.  

Being on the flip side, I've tabled dating because I know that is the responsible thing to do... at this point now because I'm hung up on the EX... .I'm hung up on my EXPERIENCE with him.

You are clearely a very caring person and partner for exploring this.  The advice you will hear on this site over and over is to be careful about giving too much of yourself over.  I applaud your efforts... but please, I'm not reading much that tells me what it is that you want/expect.

[Lady31]

That's tough, but clear. 

He is obviously still emotionally connected to her.  This is the risk you run when you date someone so early on out of a relationship and still married to boot.

Sorry it's going that way for you - but expecting something different is really not realistic in my opinion.

If I were you, I would move away from the relationship completely and see if once he is whole he is interested in the relationship with you.  You deserve to be truly loved and this guy can't be all in right now. 

Sounds like he is using you to soothe his heartache.  That is a common coping mechanism for a lot of people whether they are coming out of a relationship with someone with BPD or not.  The fact that HE chooses to deal with his pain this way is not her fault - it's his.  He is the one choosing to be in a relationship while unavailable to cope, not her.

One thing I will say to look out for - I met my exh right after he divorced his first wife.  They were separated for about 8 months when met him and he put on the act that he was over her, blah blah blah.

I found out AFTER getting involved with him that the divorce hadn't been finalized yet.  He acted as though all was fine right at first and I got sucked in - then found out otherwise.  I thought HOW could any woman cheat on or leave this man too from all the things he told me.

Long story short, it didn't work out then and over time he started treating me pretty crappy.  (THIS WAS NOT AT FIRST OF COURSE, only after I got sucked in.)  I attributed his crappy behavior to the fact that he wasn't over his exwife and a few years later we got back together.   (We worked together the entire time.)  Turns out, HE is the one with BPD (undiagnosed) and boy did I find out first hand how he SPUN all the crap to where I felt so sorry for him and couldn’t stand his exwife.  There is ALWAYS two sides to the story.  At this point, it isn’t so much about what the real story because she may very well be the one with the issues (just a warning to watch for this).

The real issue right now is the fact that he is still wrapped up in her and dating you to soothe himself.  Sorry if this sounds blunt.  I am quickly coming to my own realization for myself that it's better to love myself enough not to lie to ME!  Truth is, he isn’t over her and he is still married to her.  You will continue to see the signs of these feelings for her because they are there, which will mean you will continue to feel this way in the relationship.

Perhaps it would help to reevaluate this situation regarding your negative feelings towards his wife.  What he is going through as far as still being connected to her is to be expected on some degree with any marriage that is falling apart.  This isn't something horrible she has done to him as to why he is not available to you.  She is his wife... .and he still loves her.

When I realized my exh was still in love with his exwife (he started talking about her all the time too) as well as found out he was still married (still a big deal in my book) - I CHOSE to stay and get hurt.  This was entirely my choice and it wasn't pretty, and it's entirely yours.

The healthiest thing to do is back off, let him heal and come back if there are real feelings there for you that are not just because he is brokenhearted right now.

Wishing you luck.

[DragoN]

Excellent post Lady 31. Enjoy reading your thoughts.

Turns out, HE is the one with BPD (undiagnosed) and boy did I find out first hand how he SPUN all the crap to where I felt so sorry for him and couldn’t stand his exwife.  There is ALWAYS two sides to the story.  At this point, it isn’t so much about what the real story because she may very well be the one with the issues (just a warning to watch for this).

Klasse. Really to keep in mind. There are always two sides and somewhere in the middle is the truth of the matter. Unfortunately I have so many layers of black paint it cracks and flakes when I walk. It's not black dandruff, I can assure you.

The healthiest thing to do is back off, let him heal and come back if there are real feelings there for you that are not just because he is brokenhearted right now.

If it's real, it will still be there, and if it isn't? There's your answer  Sophia86.

[winston72]

A wonderful thread!  Thanks to all.  So many people on this site think and write so clearly and with great insight. 

Sophia86, your situation is a bit hear-wrenching.  I feel for you.  What is encouraging is that you seem to have a good sense of the emotional landscape, yours, his, the relationship.  I think if you continue to focus on your own internal responses, desires, hopes all informed by what is actually happening that you will find the best course of action.

I have been in the position of your SO.  After I separated from my wife ten years ago, I thought it was honorable to stay on good terms with her, to help with finances and with the logistics of life.  It made me feel like a good guy, absolved me of some guilt and I just generally thought it was the right way to behave.  All good... .except when it isn't!  The lack of clarity in that relationship made for lots of awkward moments and it made forming a new full romantic bond just impossible.  My view of my history is that I have problems with certain types of attachments and, as correlated, detachments.  I don't bond fully and I don't disengage fully.  But, I am a really nice guy who treats his wife wonderfully!  This might lead someone new to think I am a good guy who is loyal and trustworthy... .and I am... .but I am not yet at a place even now where I would make a good romantic partner.    So, I have learned to stay away from women who want that from me.  As a consequence, I have migrated toward disordered women.  Some coping mechanism that has been!  Yikes... .but that is for another thread.

Suffice to say, your description of your SO resonates with me.  The commentary from Lady31 and CrazyTrain and H20 and Hazelrah and HeeltoHeal (aren't all these names wacky!) is excellent.  Truly excellent.  It informs and convicts me as I read it.  My comment to you would be consistent with theirs... .set your boundaries.  Work to define what is best for you... .truly best.  Be so very clear with him.  It will help him to see, if possible, what he is doing and who he is.  Defining your desires, protecting yourself, being clear are just the best things for yourself and for him.  And be very honest with yourself as to what is going on.  I don't think he is fully in touch with his feelings or behavior... .how he is shortchanging you, and not helping his wife by not fully disengaging and ultimately not fully growing up himself. 

Okay, I am rambling.  He is married.  He is muddled.  Define what you want.  Be clear about you.  Adjust and adapt along the way. You can be there for him to mourn and grieve his lost marriage, but that should be in the context of your full confidence that he is fully committed to you in every way (i.e. divorce from her and committed to you!)