Urge to call her...

[dansure]

Hey guys,

It has been 2.5 month now since me and my BPDex broke up for good.

The last time we talked was 3 weeks ago, because I called her on her birthday.

The conversation was awful, she told me how life is to much better now without me and how the relationship was the worst year of her life.

Nothing positive came out of her mouth... .every was just bad according to her.

A few days ago it was my own birthday and she didn't send me a message or anything.

I saw some old pictures and her love letter from last year on my bday. She was so in love with me and now she wouldn't even send me a message.

I have to urge to call her and say "what the heck"... .

But I know nothing good would come from a conversation with her. Apparently I am painted black and she can't see anything good in me.

Somehow I hope I can call her and she would come to her senses and be normal again. But I guess that's stupid of me of to think.

What should I do? I wondering if calling her helps because I would hear again that she is nothing like the girl I once met.

But I am afraid that it will make me feel bad again, because I was doing fine the first two weeks of NC.

[heartandwhole]

Hi dansure,

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  It can be so confusing and upsetting, especially when your last conversation was so hurtful. 

In my experience, calling her will only make you feel worse, regardless if it's positive or negative.  After my breakup with pwBPD, I tried to get some explanation, some feeling about where he was emotionally, just something to help me understand why it happened!  When I spoke to him, I ended up hurting more, because his "detached" behavior reinforced the abandonment that I was already feeling. 

In speaking to my T, I uncovered that the urge to reach out, that "pulling" energy in me was actually fear.  And when I listened to it, I always wished I hadn't. 

These days, if I feel that way about something or someone, I take a step back, a deep breath and wait.  I let myself feel the panic, the sensations, the thoughts that are going around my head.  Then the urge to act (which is a way of avoiding those feelings) usually passes and I feel a lot better.

I am not consistent with this by any means, so please be gentle with yourself about wanting to reach out to your ex.  We have all been there, and it's perfectly normal to feel that way.

We're here for you. 

[strikeforce]

You got hurt with the last call, she will seek to hurt you again.

Nothing good will come out of more contact.

[Ironmanrises]

You got hurt with the last call, she will seek to hurt you again.

Nothing good will come out of more contact.

In bold.

I concur... .

With Strike.

Only pain awaits you.

[dansure]

Thanks a lot!

You are probably right, I will only get hurt if I talk to her.

I was able to resist my urge.

The most hurting thing about BPD is this abrupt break up. Yesterday she loved me, today I can't even call her without getting hurt.

It seems that she already moved on... .I really wonder sometimes if this behavior really can be called "love".

If you ever loved someone how can you treat them like that? I even wouldn't call my ex girlfriends this way, which I used to date years ago... .not to mention my recent one.

[Ironmanrises]

Thanks a lot!

You are probably right, I will only get hurt if I talk to her.

I was able to resist my urge.

The most hurting thing about BPD is this abrupt break up. Yesterday she loved me, today I can't even call her without getting hurt.

It seems that she already moved on... .I really wonder sometimes if this behavior really can be called "love".

If you ever loved someone how can you treat them like that? I even wouldn't call my ex girlfriends this way, which I used to date years ago... .not to mention my recent one.

In bold.

Answer... .

BPD.

A disorder... .

That impacts directly... .

The very people... .

That they have an intimate relationship... .

With... .

Us.

You.

Me.

[strikeforce]

They have a mental illness and we cannot begin to fully understand what's in their heads.

The only thing to do is focus on your own self and healing while moving forward and maintaining NC

[dansure]

The thing is she is not a diagnosed BPD.

I was her first real boyfriend and she said once to me that she never behaves to someone else like she is behaving towards me... .my assumption is that our relationship triggered the disease.

I sometimes can't help to wonder if she really is BPD (even though she fits to almost all points of BPD) or if she is just a fu**** up person.

At like most of you here I am afraid that she might meet someone else and will behave normally in the relationship with him.

[Traumatized]

Dansure, I understand the frustration of the situation you are in.  You just want to call her again and for everything to be okay.   You want things to be back to the way they were before when you were getting along.  Now all that has changed and you face a dilemma: to call or not to call.  That is the question.  The last time you called she said awful things to you…things that hurt you.  This time if you call again she may hurt you even worse.  I feel for you.

Like you, I also did well for the first two weeks of NC.  I had deleted her number in front of her and vowed not to call her again until she called me.  She broke NC after 5 days, but since then had remained silent.  I stuck with my vow until day 15.  That’s when I broke down.  The desire to talk with her was overwhelming.  I needed to know how she felt about me; to see if she was ready to come back again like she had done numerous times before.  I texted her and waited…and waited…and waited.  I got no response.  The next night I called her.  She immediately hung up on me.  I called her right back.  She told me the relationship was over and not to call her anymore…then hung up on me.  I was glad to hear her voice, but was left with pain in my heart that was even worse.  I knew where I stood with her.  I had been painted black.  Devalued.  Discarded.

I also think back to my birthday last month.  She did not contact me either.  Not a peep.  I hoped that she would at least call me and wish me a Happy Birthday, but she didn’t.  I was desperate to hear from her on my birthday, so I texted her…and got blasted!  She wanted nothing to do with me.  She said that I should move on.  Go away.  That she was done.  Still desperate, I reminded her that the month previously I had been good to her on her birthday even though we weren’t getting along.  She had no recollection of that.  It had dropped from her memory.  There was no thought of reciprocation.  The kindness I had shown her meant nothing.  After much persistence, she finally agreed to meet me for a drink.  It was just moments before my birthday was officially over that she half-heartedly toasted me.  It was unfulfilling.  Later on, after screaming her head off at me in the bathroom, she abandoned me.  My face, my very presence had triggered her.  I made her sick.  I was disgusting.  I was evil.  She spent the whole rest of the evening smoking Crystal Meth and making out with a drug dealer.  According to her it was all my fault.  I had pushed her to do it. 

While she moves on to her plethora of “friends” and lovers, I am stuck to deal with my pain in the amplified silence of my apartment.  It is a miserable time for me.  I feel so lost.  So hopeless.  My phone no longer rings and I receive no more text messages.  In one shot I lost my best friend, the person I loved and my support system.   

My advice to you is DO NOT CALL HER! Wait until she calls you.  Spare yourself the extra pain.

[Hazelrah]

Dansure,

You've already received some good advice, so I guess my only contribution is to commiserate with you, as I have experienced very similar things... .i.e., she claimed the relationship was always doomed, she ignored my b-day, and she devalued the relationship and abandoned it with lightning speed.  The difference is I'm not her first boyfriend--we're married!  It just goes to show that much of their behavior is fairly consistent, and there are some things we simply need to accept as we move forward.  Even if your girlfriend doesn't meet the criteria for a full-on BPD diagnosis, it's her actions that are the most important thing to keep in mind here... .and those actions are less than desirable at this point, aren't they?

[fiddlestix]

Hi, if you call her she may be outright cruel.  Or maybe she will be in a better mood.  Maybe she will seem sweeter.  Then you will be tormented by the thought that maybe there is still hope.  And you may obsess in that place.  Either situation will set you back in your healing, like picking a scab. 

Perhaps entering into a deep relationship with you did trigger her awful push/pull behaviors.  Whether she is "clinically" BPD, or just f&#ked up (is there a difference?) the powerful emotions of a real relationship triggered something in her. But, it would have happened with anyone with whom she got close.  It will most likely happen with anyone who gets close to her. It is the baffling irony of fear of abandonment, yet fear of attachment as well.  Nobody wins without serious therapy.

Peace and Prayers,

Fiddle

[dansure]

Guys thanks so much for all the replies!

@Badly Abused

Mine doesn't take drugs yet (she started drinking and smoking after we broke up yet though) but I can totally imagine her to behave the same way as your ex if we would meet up. Her getting angry by my very presence, that happened before as well! Thanks for you advice and sharing your experience it helped a lot!

Hazelrah and fiddlestix

Thanks a lot! I guess all of you are right I shouldn't call her... .and I won't.

I guess I just need to accept that the person I thought I knew is dead in some way. It really hurt sometimes, especially since the entire apartment triggers memories. Only one more year and I will be done with my studies in the country where we met and can move out of this apartment.

@All who replied

Thanks a lot for all your help I appreciate a lot that you took your time to give me advice and share your experience with me! It helped me a lot! Especially since my friend can't really comprehend what I am going through. I might get weak again and struggle, but then I'll simply post into this thread!

[Ironmanrises]

If you call her... .

It would be like... .

Allowing... .

A force of nature... .

To be unleashed... .

In x period of time... .

Right back in... .

Your garden.

Picture that visual... .

I allowed mine back... .

And that is what happened.

Do not call her.

[Learning_curve74]

I might get weak again and struggle, but then I'll simply post into this thread!

This sounds like a good strategy, dansure.

Insanity is repeating the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome. You called her on her birthday and it was bad. Sounds like you learned something about calling her, right?

Hang in there. 

[maxen]

hi dansure. i'm adding to what everyone else has said here. for the moment try very hard not to get in touch. for the future remember that she really does sound as if she has BPD (the devaluation, the sudden change, the painkilling (alcohol)), and if that's the case you are dealing with a person who doesn't have a normally developed sense of empathy and for whom you are only an emotional punching bag and who will never respond to you for yourself, only for herself.

i'm also speaking from experience. for three months after she dropped the bomb my BPDstbxw and i maintained contact. i did everything "wrong", whether from the point of view of protecting myself or from the point of view of winning her back. now 3+ weeks NC, 5 weeks no see, and only in the last days i have begun to regain even a faint sense of control over myself. the sooner you take the decision for NC the better. those are words on a page and hard as nails to practice but it's the best cure. yes, post here when you feel weak, talk to us instead!

[dansure]

This sounds like a good strategy, dansure.

Insanity is repeating the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome.

So much truth in one sentence. I know the outcome already. In fact I can soo see the outcome of the conversation:

Me: "What did I do to you that you don't even send me a message on my bday?"

She: "We broke up? Why would I send you a message? Why do we even need to talk?"

Me: "Well... .because we used to love each other just 2 month ago?"

She: "Yeah... .I don' think you ever loved me... .even if you loved me I hated the way you did. I just don't want to talk to you ever again (she said something very similar last time)... .

I can actually clearly see the conversation. It would be indeed some sort of insanity to call her. I actually quite know the result of the conversation, just like last time.

If you call her... .

It would be like... .

Allowing... .

A force of nature... .

To be unleashed... .

In x period of time... .

Right back in... .

Your garden.

Picture that visual... .

I allowed mine back... .

And that is what happened.

Do not call her.

What happened? I actually saw many of your post ironman, but I don't know your story since I can't visit any profiles here. I would actually like to know you story. Btw I like your mystic/poetic way of writing.

PS: If my English is not that good sorry! I am not a native speaker!

[Ironmanrises]

Dansure... .

Thank you for your kind words. 

When my exUBPDgf... .

Returned to me... .

In round 2... .

After leaving me... .

In round 1... .

She begged and pleaded... .

That i let her back in.

(3 months of NC in between both rounds)... .

I already knew of her BPD... .

I warned her... .

Before letting her back in... .

Of what was going to happen... .

In x period of time.

(I actually predicted the month she would trigger)... ,

And she acted "fine"... .

The first 2 months.

In the beginning... .

Of the very month... .

That i predicted... .

She got triggered.

And devaluation started.

3 months of... .

Hell on earth.

With her discarding me... .

At the end of that... .

Minus the RAGE... .

She exhibited... .

In round 1.

And i knew all of that... .

Was going to happen.

And i still let her back in.

So imagine... .

My horror... .

As i watched... .

All of that... .

Unfold... .

Like that.

It is how i know... .

If i were to let her back in... .

Which i am not... .

But if i did... .

She would do... .

All of that... .

Again.

[dansure]

I ended up calling her. Not because I want her back but because I was having an assumption and I wanted to know the truth.

And she told me the truth and it's just as I expected. She is already dating someone else.

I must say I was sort of prepared for that... .assuming that she BPD and from what I read here it seems to be sort of a pattern for them.

But I would lie if I'd say I am not angry... .how don't know how to handle this new information right now. But deep in my heart I knew it.

[Ironmanrises]

Dansure... .

I am sorry... .

You had to end up hearing that... .

Assuming... .

She was telling you the truth.

I dont know... .

If my exUBPDgf... .

Was cheating on me... .

(I could not tell... .)

Or started a new relationship... .

After discarding me... .

For the second time.

My going NC... .

Immediately afterwards... .

Was to protect me... .

From that... .

Possible information... .

That would hurt me... .

And only me... .

On a far deeper level.

She has hurt me enough... .

As is.

I would rather not know... .

Any of that.

It would poison... .

My slow healing... .

And set me back.

Her abuse towards me... .

Was poisonous enough.

I know you are angry.

I know you are hurting.

Post on here.

We will hear you.

Hang in there.

[dansure]

I am glad to know the truth... I see her in a different way now. But I need time to process this information.

I feel fooled... .but also it explains a lot. That's why she was so scared of me, that's why she was so eager to get me out of her life.

Never expected her to be like this... .she was such an innocent girl when we met... .or was she? I don't even know if really was her FIRST one... .she seems to lie a lot.

I feel SO DISGUSTED.

[dansure]

Guys I feel so much hatred. I so wanna get revenge... .But I know that's wrong.

[Ironmanrises]

Dansure... .

I can understand that.

Revenge... .

Will only make things worse... .

For you.

I know it hurts.

We all do.

I wanted to scream... .

When she left me... .

Again... .

In round 2.

To scream... .

So that the whole world... .

Would hear me.

That is how much... .

She hurt me.

There are days... .

Still... .

Where I want to scream.

Hang in there.

You are not alone.