I need some advice

[mimitray]

I have an older sister with borderline personality disorder and I've been struggling for the past 3-4 years to keep her safe. I should correct myself, I only believe that she has BPD. It started out with depression and her having gone on antidepressants during her college years. Since her previous suicide attempts though, she has since stopped taking medications and stopped seeing a physician/therapist/anything. I only began to read about BPD since I connected with a therapist last year during a crisis situation with my sister - where my therapist suggested to me that it sounded like I was dealing a lot with someone with BPD.

It seems that her symptoms cycle a lot throughout the year and worsen during the Fall/Winter. My sister stopped talkinig to anyone else in the family last year and even in the past, she's really only talked to me and confided in me. Last year around this time, she continuously threatened suicide on me to get me to call/text an ex-boyfriend for her. I actually don't know what came of it but "magically" she seemed to "get better" -- but it was likely because the ex-boyfriend started talking to her again.

And this year, it's the same thing. The ex is not talking to her, not answering her calls -- I have no idea what is going on. I never do. But I get these threats all the time that I don't care about her, that she doesn't need me to care about her and that I shouldn't "watch over her". I had to call the police a few days ago because she had left a message on her Facebook saying "good bye everyone". She stopped talking to  me for 3 days after that.

She was forced to talk to me again because she had previously (when her mood was better) bought tickets to fly across the country to visit me. I am currently in a different state for school and she is in California. She did eventually come to visit me but this entire visit has been very forced. She's broken down crying several times but just pushes me away and demands that I ask no questions.

I don't know what to do. I have this gut feeling she will hurt herself. I feel like I wasted a police call that day, because now she isn't telling me anything and I won't know when to contact authorities to make sure she's alive. And she keeps telling me that she doesn't care what I feel if she is gone. And she's right when she tells me that "I can't do anything".

I can't let go. I just can't. I want to be there 24/7, because if I don't see her I feel like I can't breathe. I'm the only one in the family that even cares to get involved anymore.

But I don't know if I can take another year of the same threats when she won't even let me talk. I can start a sentence and she'll scream and tell me to shutup. That she doesn't care. She'll push me away if I try to hug her. But then she'll make demands as if nothing happened at all; as if she didn't just verbally crush me into the ground like dirt.

I feel like I'm just a tool for her --but again, I can't let go. I worry every second.

I need some sort of guide... .I don't know. It's always the same story, I feel as if everyone close to me doesn't even want to hear it anymore.

[P.F.Change]

I can't let go. I just can't. I want to be there 24/7, because if I don't see her I feel like I can't breathe.

That sounds like such a difficult position to be in! You seem very anxious that your sister will self-harm. Do you have any professional support for yourself?

Calling the police for a welfare check was the right thing to do. There is a good thread on this site called ":)ealing with Threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts" that might be helpful to you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

What would it be like to let go of responsibility for your sister's choices? What do you need to do to take care of you?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[mimitray]

I used to see a therapist the previous year briefly when she was at her worst last year. I stopped seeing the therapist because my own schedule got too busy (and my sister "got better" after the winter because she was back with the BF again).

I know everyone's logical response is to stop taking responsibility for my sister's choices and to take care of myself -- our mother even says it now. I struggle a lot with this. I feel like if I allow myself to let go even just a little, that I could be letting go over her completely.

[Clearmind]

Fear, obligation and guilt means we become accustomed to being their saviour however we are not at all helping them. Your relationship with her sounds enmeshed/co-dependent – you really do need to step back for your health and for her.

BPDsis needs to learn how to self soothe rather than rely on you to do it for her. If you continue to save you are setting up this relationship for future rounds of saving. She will threaten, she will scream, she will go silent on you. The only thing you can do is validate her emotions, not her behaviour and work on your guilt for not being there 24/7.

I used to see a therapist the previous year briefly when she was at her worst last year. I stopped seeing the therapist because my own schedule got too busy (and my sister "got better" after the winter because she was back with the BF again).

You matter and there are reasons why you are placing yourself in the position of your sisters keeper.

I know everyone's logical response is to stop taking responsibility for my sister's choices and to take care of myself -- our mother even says it now. I struggle a lot with this. I feel like if I allow myself to let go even just a little, that I could be letting go over her completely.

Any ideas why you struggle with this?

Is about control and the fear of loss of control?

[P.F.Change]

I feel like if I allow myself to let go even just a little, that I could be letting go over her completely.

It is understandable to feel afraid in your situation. Have you given any more thought to talking with a professional about this anxiety?

How are you doing lately?

PF