Honestly I'm tired and beat

[TraumaLand]

Seriously I've read material.  I've read posts here and at this point I'm so not myself and had so much emotional trauma, which I've been told 100 times is all my fault I'm at my wits end

And I seem dumb enough to stay in this mess. Really all of the understanding of the illness in the world doesn't help in real life situations after a while.  I do been advised this behind by my shrink and by friends. Yet I left twice then came back. I understand the implications of now this reflects on my own needless, childhood issues yada yada yada.

I mean really though these people are unhappy and miserable. Why do they stay here?  And they seem happy to pull me down into their darkness sucking my life force like a gigantic monster in a Star Trek episode. Captain I'm giving it all I got

Drama drama drama then emotional arguments.

Undiagnosed BPD, my pschchistrist is positive that is what it is. Sometimes she refers to her emotional disorder but at this point whatever. It is clearly BPD. And she self medicated herself with the pills she gets from her father who is a pyschatrist.  She's addicted to Meds. Like a junky. Can't she her through the fog sometime. Bit one thing she knows for sure it's all my fault.

I have never in my 50 years of life met a human like this that makes me feel this way. High high highs. And low low lows. And I feel addicted to this crap

Then she apologizes and I feel sorry for her. She has health trouble and ailments that get worse and worse. Of course all that negative energy and negative chemicals released by her brain. And then no exercise or health regimen.

Anyway I'm venting. This is dark. Dark. Dark. Sorry for typos. Ipad.

[hopealways]

I feel your pain. We all do. She has a mental illness. It's called BPD.

and had so much emotional trauma, which I've been told 100 times is all my fault I'm at my wits end

Same here my friend. It was all my fault, she said, yet she admitted to a history of tumultuous relationships, admits to being "moody", admits to being crazy, etc etc etc.

I just couldn't take it anymore. You will hopefully reach that point sooner than later.

Even though the emotional trauma makes  you believe that you cannot survive without them, you get to the point that you would rather be alone for the rest of your life than deal with her. 

Time heals. I am 6 weeks no contact and am slowly getting better.  Sure some days I regress but overall I am healing.  You are not alone, but the healing only comes when you leave.

[Wing and a Prayer]

I just read your comment and I know how you feel.  My SO was admitted again today (I had to call the police) for another attempted suicide.  I'm trying to find out how to prevent being sucked down to her depths, when she is down, and when she climbs out of that dark place I forgive everything that was said and done.  It seems that when I "give space" or breathing room, I get verbally assaulted for being weak or else I am controlling.

I wish you luck, I don't have any advice other than you aren't alone, every comment I have read here, I have experienced just in a few short weeks. 

[Supernova9star]

You feel addicted because you are addicted.  There is actually a chemical release that occurs during the cycles the two of you go through. I did it for 8 years. And I wanted to leave but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He is the one that left. I'm going on 1 month no contact and I have had so much come to light since then. All the red flags I chose to ignore. I have been trying to process my own guilty feelings as well because I feel so ashamed I allowed this person to hurt me for so long.

Those highs and lows start to become more lows and less highs the longer you stay. The pieces of who you are start to disintegrate slowly and it is such a gradual process that it literally is a slow painful death of the soul in my opinion. They truly won't stop hurting you.

Trust me when I say I'm a fighter and I'm stubborn. I never give up on something I believe in. But there was no way I was going to fix him. He wasn't going to change. And his true colors started showing more and more as he began to pull away. I knew in my heart a long time ago but remained in denial for so long. I endured so much abuse. It wasn't worth it. He left me because I had become so numb and dead inside that he had to find a fresh source.

I wast tired and beat too. Now that he is gone I have slowly started breathing freely again. I didn't realize how much I was literally holding my breath just waiting for his next moment to come along and shatter my fragile foundation I was constantly trying to rebuild.i have times of absolute pure sadness and grief over this. Being alone and not having his constant presence has affected me greatly. But overall I'm much better off without him here. I realized it was the illusion he created that I was in love with. I was selective about what I accepted and what I denied about him. That was very unhealthy.

We all are hurting here. We all know how it feels to be tired and beat. I even feel that way now. The healing process is long and arduous. But better to start now instead of later. Just like a drug addict... .The longer you wait to stop, the more addicted you are to your drug of choice.

We are here. Hang in there.

[PrettyPlease]

I mean really though these people are unhappy and miserable. Why do they stay here?  And they seem happy to pull me down into their darkness sucking my life force like a gigantic monster in a Star Trek episode.

hopealways was pretty blunt, and I'm going to be too. Read more about BPD. About how they stay because their terror of being abandoned is so deep it trumps everything. About how they aren't happy to pull you down, but they'll do it unhappily, because they do everything unhappily when they're in the dysregulated phase, when they're splitting you black. About how this is just going to go on forever unless they make a voluntary decision to get professional help. Is there a possibility of that happening in this case? (It seems unlikely from your post.)

You might try looking at some of the posts by 2010 about how the triggering pattern of you being there, of them being able to manipulate or force you into recycling, is actually preventing them from working through it ("It"--fear of abandonment; they need to experience the separation and understand that they do not die, that they survive.) Not that there is a huge chance of them working through it even if you leave, but there is some chance -- but only when forced to. Someone putting up a real sane boundary is that kind of force. The leaving boundary.

I know this is the undecided board, where you weigh the pros and cons. Obviously I'm leaning with the cons, with hopealways, that leaving is most likely solution -- unless you have serious pros that would outweigh having to live with this situation of chaotic emotional dysregulation for the rest of your life.

I respect that you feel sorry for her. I did also feel sorry for my uBPDexgf, and still do. But regardless, I suggest you can't use 'but she'll be happier if I stay' as one of the pros, because the greatest preponderance of the evidence is that's not true. In that respect, it most likely won't make any difference to her. She may even be happier without you. Regardless of what she says. That's just BPD talking. Emotional blackmail. In the dysregulated state, she says anything to get what she wants. She's four years old.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I'm hoping it will help.  

PP

[TraumaLand]

all of you have had some deep heavy, soul searching wrenching insights.  And all of it I agree with.  I've read lots of material, most of the way through Walking on Eggshells, got a psychiatrist last fall as I broke off a long term relationship i had been unhappy in (she was fine tho, no BPD, just we had grown apart), and i was involved with this woman who lives far away, a long distance relationship, tho we have seen each other a surprising amount, she has means, so we saw each other and I travel a lot too, so I was over there.

but anyhow, long short, I appreciate everyone's words and insight.

I had cut this relationship off twice before. It wasn't until i cut her off hard last dec that i had begun to learn what BPD was when my doc said I think she shows all signs of having BPD.  he warned me then to stay away, that i had become emotionally traumatized and I needed someone calmer.

I didn't listen and dived back in this year in June.  I moved to my own apt, etc etc, but was everyone notes, nothing makes them happy, and they condition you and form you.  I understand now her complete emptiness and feeling of abandonment, but I meant that all of that knowledge doesn't help me deal with it any better. 

Her father is a psychiatrist, but she goes untreated besides the bags of tranquilizers sleeping pills seroquel etc.

anyway, today just 2 hours ago, more stuff jumped off about an age old issue she and I have had, the venom started spewing from her mouth via iMessage, and I have just had enough today.  I told her I can't go on like this.  for months she has done the classic, I know you are going to leave me phrase, and she, just like BPD studies show, has created the circumstance for me to leave her.  then when I say I have had enough, I can't do this, she says, you always only think of yourself.  I know it's about her pain.  I know she is 3 years old. (not 4 as you said, she's 3 years old emotionally), but all of that knowledge, trying to talk about her feelings in the right way, etc etc, is just too draining.

I've only know her 2 years, we didn't talk at all for 8 months the first time i cut it off, then I cut it off again after a brief 4 months.    I went back in June, and now it's been 5 months, and I'm emotionally fried like a burnt french fry.

Thanks for the info on chemical release, the highs the lows. 

I was flying very far on Wed, using my miles to go see her. I don't want to go.  I'll lose my miles, although basically she is sick, and that's one of the reasons they say I could call an emergency.  and now she has physical health issues right now as we speak.

yes I feel sorry for her, she's physically sick now, and has an emotional disturbance.  But I don't deserve to be the whipping stone. 

yes she's taken handfuls of sleeping pills around me, yes she has said she will commit suicide, yes i had to call a family member of hers at times, yes she takes xanax in the morning, yes, she probably right now took a bunch of sleeping pills, yes it's hard to tell between the drug abuse, her personal trauma and her undiagnosed (at least as far as I know, once she referred to herself as an adult child, which I asked, do you mean BPD), but if not undiagnosed, in her country, it remains untreated, and her successful family just enables her behavior and steps back as she is crashing and burning. 

But I understand I have my own issues, or I would'n't be wrapped up in this thing, so there's that too.

But as of today, 11 am, i KNOW that the words that i texted her that I can't do this any longer, must stay true.  of course she said, don't text or call me.  but she has said that at latest count 789 times.

What do I want to do?  I want to cancel my flight.  I want to stop this torture.  the highs are great.  Like the cocaine I snorted 25 years ago.  but the crash and burn, and the paranoia is too much.  Just like when you do too much blow, I'm tired of keeping the curtains closed and looking out like the police are there when I hear a noise (those who ever did speed or blow, know what i mean!)  why the analogy?  because this relationship is like being addicted to a drug which you know is killing you.

I need to be strong today, and stick to my decision.  for 5 weeks now, I knew in my heart I was going to have to end it.  I also knew that she would end it anyway, I could see that coming, my ego rants up and just hated to have that happen.

I didn't quote anyone's words here, but all of them are excellent and supportive. 

8 years is a long time.  Please be blessed, yeah, I know it will take time to heal.  that is long and tough.  I have learned if you talk to a normal person who has never been involved with a BPD, like i was until 2 years ago, i had never even heard of it, civilians out there who have not been with a BPD, keep trying to give you advice from a perspective of dealing with an adult type emotions, or they just can't understand how and why I got so wrapped up in this thing.  that's frustrating.  I did speak with a family member who revealed he had been involved and he completely understood it.  Said i would need to get away, it would be hard, and take time, and to make short term goals, no talking for 6 months.  he said take it slow, and don't be hard on yourself if you break once in a while. 

if ya'll have any more venting, feelings, thoughts, ramblings, babbles, deep inner pains, love or hate, please keep em coming, I appreciate y'all.

Mr. Traumaland

[TraumaLand]

I mean really though these people are unhappy and miserable. Why do they stay here?  And they seem happy to pull me down into their darkness sucking my life force like a gigantic monster in a Star Trek episode.

You might try looking at some of the posts by 2010 about how the triggering pattern of you being there, of them being able to manipulate or force you into recycling, is actually preventing them from working through it ("It"--fear of abandonment; they need to experience the separation and understand that they do not die, that they survive.) Not that there is a huge chance of them working through it even if you leave, but there is some chance -- but only when forced to. Someone putting up a real sane boundary is that kind of force. The leaving boundary.


PP

How can I find posts by 2010?  Thank you, I'm new on the board.

[PrettyPlease]

How can I find posts by 2010?  Thank you, I'm new on the board.

Hmm, this is proving tricky. This is a complex site and I believe things get moved to archive -- there are different types of pages coming up in my search results.

And then there's the problem that 2010, as a username, is really hard to search for because all the dates with the year 2010 also show up.

Anyway, here's what I can get: this is the page that shows all of 2010s posts (all 795 of them). I got a lot of value just by starting to read in them. When I needed to, I'd look at the thread she was writing in to get context, but often -- especially with her longer posts -- it wasn't necessary.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts

When I started here about a year ago there were many people pasting links to various of her posts, but that has died down, and the above is probably the easiest way to get to them.

You may not get to that link until 10 posts; not sure.  

If my memory serves, it's after 10 posts that you can click on anybody's name who is posting, and get to their profile and from there to the page of all their posts.

PP