have not spoken to or seen children in three years

[Mama Love]

Our daughter in law is high functioning border line.   I am a realtor and six years ago she started working with my staging my listings.   We had a dispute and she has not spoken to us nor has our son and we are not allowed to communicate with our now ten and twelve year old granddaughters.  They live ten minutes from our home.  This is our second go around.   fifteen years ago they cut us off for three years for things that are every day differences in families.  One year before they cut us off they cut  their step Mom out of their life and put my son's father in the diffficult position of taking sides and seeing them alone.  Our daughter in law has a half brother but was raised in the Middle East as an only child.   She is very angry at her mother, who is a very generous woman, but has a bad temper and does not filter her thoughts but never cuts her off. Our daughter in law has many,many friends and has made them her family.  I close with my son before he met our daughter in law when he was 19.  Our daughter in law was our son's first girlfriend and she was very needy at the time.  She is also very pretty, smart and charming.   I left a message on my son's voice mail at work today for the first time telling him that I loved him and missed him.  We were told not to send anything to our grandchildren.  We wrote a letter in the spring telling them that we are sorry that we hurt them as we did after the break up but no response.  Besides missing our son and grand children I am that if something should happen to me he will feel guilt for his conduct.  This is a poor model for our Grandchildren.  

[Phoenix.Rising]

  Mama Love,

I hear the struggle in your words.  It must hurt not having talked to your son and grandchildren for some time.  I hope you are able to find some resolve. 

We talk a lot about how we can better communicate and interact with someone with BPD and also about how we can take better care of ourselves.

I know you are not currently speaking with your daughter in law, but if you do interact with her in the future, this site offers a lot of help in how to do that more effectively.

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

General BPD Questions and Resources Board

What kind of help are you seeking from bpdfamily.com?

Phoenix.Rising

[Suzn]

Welcome Mama Love  

I'm so sorry you have gone through all of this with your son and his wife. This is very painful for you and we all "get it" here. There are many members here with inlaws who are struggling as well and all are supportive and insightful. Bpd is a serious and confusing disorder and it can be painful for all. We understand what you're dealing with and I'm very glad you have found us.

How are you coping Mama Love? How is your husband doing with all of this? Have you considered a therapist for support with what you've been up against?

[livednlearned]

This must be so painful. My ex husband (N/BPD) became estranged from his family shortly after I met him. It was over something so insignificant that I can barely remember what happened. He felt that they had insulted me, even though I never took it that way. And then he demanded that they apologize, which they did, but apparently it wasn't good enough. My opinion about any of it didn't matter, and I never felt comfortable questioning him. It was easier and safer to see his reality instead of my own.

As a result, I gave birth to S12, their grandson, and they have never met him. The grandfather died 5 years ago and N/BPDx didn't want us to go to the funeral, so he went alone. I suspect that my ex mother-in-law is also BPD, and when my ex split her black, she split him black too 

Do you think you could write your son letters? You may not even send them, just keep them so he can read them when he is finally in the right place. Being married to someone BPD can be a frightening experience, and he may worry that reaching out to you will create intolerable amounts of conflict for himself or his kids. If he one day reads the letters you wrote, and knew you cared about him, and loved him, and missed him, it will mean so much. Same for the grandchildren.

N/BPDx had so much hatred toward his parents -- honestly, I don't know what they could've done. People with BPD have an intense need for validation, but that's hard to give when their view of reality is so distorted.

I don't know if you want to take it this far, but there are laws in many states about grandparents having visitation rights with their grandchildren. I don't know how those laws work, but maybe it's something you can look into.

[twoday]

Hi -

I am new too!  Just a few months really - I feel your pain.  I am 6 months into NC with my son, DIL & 5 yr. old grandson.  My DIL is uBPD.  I didn't really know what I did to cause the riff.  However, after reading Walking on Eggshells and doing some of the Workshops on this website I can see I was invalidating her without meaning to.  There were several minor occasions, like yours, that would have been passed as nothing under other circumstances.  I have some knowledge of what she is going through and have gained some tools through the book and Workshops but, like you, no opportunity to apply it. 

What has helped me is to write to my grandson. I send little cards with stickers or some small item to let him know I'm thinking of him.  I don't know really if my grandson is receiving these but I can hope.  I still talk to my son occasionally but I fear we will end up NC if things don't improve.  He said the other day that my DIL might allow a meeting between my son and grandson and I, after Christmas.  That's still 2 months away - but it's all the hope I've got.

I don't know how you've made it for 3 years - try the Workshops they might help.

twoday