Contacting their other ex

[2pts]

So in my relationship with my exBPDgf who was diagnosed just at the end, she insisted on knowing every detail of my past 13 year relationship, but would not share pretty much anything of her 11 year past relationship.

All I was ever told was his first / last name, his dad's career, that he was "brain dead", he moved across the country, he smoked a lot of pot, he was abusive, she once rented an apartment across the street from their shared apartment while married and had a boyfriend at that time.

I took all these things as facts along with the excuses / reasons to her actions.

I found myself questioning this stuff the day we broke up, now that I have knowledge about BPD traits. I decided to try to reach out to him. He has common first and last names, basically impossible to find on the internet, but I found his believed fathers email address.

I sent his dad an email explaining my name and asking if he could put me in contact with his son (his name), no details of why or who I was.

This morning I got a friendly reply from her ex hb asking what he could so for me.

This is what I wrote back... .

"Hello (his name), thank you for replying, I contact you as a friend, although we have never met.

I am the recent ex of (her name). In dating her, I struggled to understand what was wrong with me. It was like a crazy roller coaster.

Turns out it wasn't me. She has a serious disorder, that she now knows about. She may have even known about it while you were together, I really don't know as part of it is lying.

I reached out to you, because a major  trait of it is to devalue the person they are in a relationship with, and blame them, which wears on that persons sanity.

I wanted you to know, incase you didn't, so you would not blame yourself. Their are whole online support groups for this disorder and their exes.

Any how, take care.

Thank You, (my name)".

I may have crossed a line, but am very curious to his response, if any.

[Pretty Woman]

I came VERY close to doing this on my last recycle with the ex. I DID email the woman but when she responded (she is a musician) I made it sound like I was possibly booking her for a gig and that I was her ex's ex. I am glad I didn't go further because a week later we were back together again.

You are looking for confirmation she is indeed BPD. I understand that feeling. I was just dumped for the 4th time in a year Wednesday. This time, instead of raging she was calm. It is scary. That doesn't seem to follow BPD markers. She wants to be friends but wants to be sure I know we are "never getting back together" and that her boat is going in another direction.

It is a control game. "I want you, but I don't want you".

What you need is validation this is not your fault.  It isn't all your fault.  We all do hit in relationships that is hurtful at times. Normal people cope with it. We get angry, walk away and then come back to discuss when we've cooled.

With BPD it is so irrational. With every word you say to make it better you are a bigger jerk.  It starts to mess with your head, and your heart.

You may hear back from this guy or you may not.  Do not overthink things. Concentrate on moving forward in your life. This is not your illness, friend.

[TwoCents]

Sounds rife for triangulation... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0

[EdR]

I really understand your action. And I would be curious as well. But...

This is not criticism, but I do feel you crossed a line as well. I was thinking of the reasons one could have for doing something similar:

1) Genuinely wanting to help the 'other ex' with healing, by disclosing info. Problem with that only is: it was 13 years ago the guy was actually involved with her. Maybe he's still interested to know, but imo you're only stopping/reversing his healing process by making him remember.

2) Wanting to help your ex, by informing someone else. Maybe he could help her (and take away your burden). As he's been out of her life for 13 years, I don't think this could be the reason.

3) Hoping to heal better yourself, by discussing your experiences and struggles with another ex. This would be my analysis.

I understand it, I really do. But in the process, you could let the other ex relive all of his traumatic experiences of 13 (!) years ago.

Or... he really could actually be the ass, she made him out to be. Then you won't be helped at all, and she could even be at risk.

On top of that... .before you came in her life, it was HER life. I somehow feel protective of her privacy.


My last couple of posts could perhaps be misinterpreted as 'Borderline-defender'. I am not. I still care though; they're human.

I just want to see the world in colour. Not black and white. So I just try to be honest. :-)

[houseofswans]

That's a fair comment IMO, EdR 

[frustrated b/f]

I've contemplated contacting in ex's ex-husband. However, unfortunately, I was seeing her while she was still married to him and don't know if thats appropriate.

The reasons my ex gave for cheating, and leaving him don't seem to hold much water anymore as I got to know her better.

When I get angry over the five (5) years of my life that I wasted and cannot get back, I think of him. He wasted over 13 years, and had two (2) children by her and is paying over six grand a month in alimony!

When I get down about the situation, unfortunately, I think to myself, at least I'm not him!

I think its better to let sleeping dogs lie where they lay

[2pts]

Thanks for the replies and insight.

To be clear, they were together 11 years, and broke up less than a year before her and I got together.

[thisyoungdad]

I contacted my ex's first ex. My ex had barely let the ink dry from filing the divorce papers (not being divorced) when we got together. I fell for the whole thing about her being a victim etc. My issues with needing to rescue and be the knight on the white horse came into play and we hooked up. I have since been working on those issues.

However as we then broke up and this craziness was going on I contacted the first ex, who was a woman. We had all had mutual friends back then and I remember a couple of them telling me they just couldn't believe those things were true about her (the first ex) that my ex was saying. Well I am still very good friends with those people and so those comments came back to me, well they never really left me and I always wondered about them because the people are trusted mentors for me.

So I contacted the first ex, she lives in another state now. We talked on the phone a few times, emailed a couple then happily went on our separate ways. I didn't have to divulge anything, she validated my experience within 2 minutes literally after I said we were breaking up. Then she shared her experiences which were so much like mine she couldn't have done better unless she had been living in my relationship herself. It was SO much the same I literally threw up afterwards. I found it the most validating event, and the biggest moment of knowing it was over and what I really was dealing with. It was so helpful. We agreed to talk a couple of times, then never mentioned it to anyone. I never showed anyone the emails, I never told anyone. It was purely for my own information.

In fact I actually only ever called her because I wanted to make an amends for my part in the crazy break up. I helped my ex in some ways paint this ex black in my very young, first time in love blindness. I also engaged in flirting, romance etc (no sex) in the month leading up to the breakup but at the time didn't see I was in the wrong to be engaging in this. Before the divorce papers were even served we were sleeping together. So I needed to clear my conscious and in AA making amends is how to do that. When we talked she was the one who really shared a lot, I barely got much in at all, so she shared a ton more with me than I ever asked or expected. Then she offered if I wanted to ask questions I could. So I did ask some.

Anyway though it turned out to be okay. Different than I expected and I wanted to respect both of their privacy so I never shared with anyone and left it as my own validating experience that just didn't need sharing with anyone. I don't know if I was right or wrong but I did it. Time will tell on that. They had also only been broke up 6 years and we ran into her multiple times including 18 months ago. Had it been much longer I probably would not have even bothered.

[2pts]

He wrote back and validated that he went through the same craziness. He said he really appreciated me reaching out to him because he never knew what went wrong.

[Dawning]

So glad to hear that it was helpful and validating for both of you.

I have contacted my ex uBPD's ex partner as well. It was a very positive experience. She told me she thought he is BPD and has been herself on a forum like this. Also her experience matched mine completely.

She was not annoyed at all that I contacted her. She said she was well over him but that it took a couple of years. ( same for me).

She also said that she herself contacted the ex before her and actually most of his exes got in contact with each other, so now I have a whole picture of the devastation he caused in the lives of many women and their children.

It helped me so much to get a clear picture and let go of blaming myself for the failing of the relationship.

Again, glad for you that it turned out so well.