Unbelievable behavior by my udBPD mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

My udBPD mom has reached a new low.  I am currently NC with her as I cannot make sense of her lastest actions.  My drug addict brother was admitted to ICU for sepsis and was there for 10 days.  Not good!  He asked her to call me.  She did not.  He called a month later wondering why I had never called.  He was very hurt.  When I told him I had never gotten a call from her, he and I were shocked!  My mother had cut me off 2 months before because it had taken me 5 days to call and thank her for a Christmas present.  SOmehow, in the past, I was able to come to some sort of forgiveness of her, with new boundaries on how I would interact with her, as she clearly has mental illness I try to have compassion for her.  However, it has almost been a year and I cannot get to that same place this time.  Her lastest action seems so cruel.  SHe is clearly punishing one of us or both of us. 

Has this sort of thing ever happened to anyone else?

Any thoughts about this?

[larmieq]

My udBPD mom has reached a new low.  I am currently NC with her as I cannot make sense of her lastest actions.  My drug addict brother was admitted to ICU for sepsis and was there for 10 days.  Not good!  He asked her to call me.  She did not.  He called a month later wondering why I had never called.  He was very hurt.  When I told him I had never gotten a call from her, he and I were shocked!  My mother had cut me off 2 months before because it had taken me 5 days to call and thank her for a Christmas present.  SOmehow, in the past, I was able to come to some sort of forgiveness of her, with new boundaries on how I would interact with her, as she clearly has mental illness I try to have compassion for her.  However, it has almost been a year and I cannot get to that same place this time.  Her lastest action seems so cruel.  SHe is clearly punishing one of us or both of us. 

Has this sort of thing ever happened to anyone else?

Any thoughts about this?

[nevermore]

My father was terminally ill with complications from Alzheimer's disease.  He was in a nursing home because she refused to let me bring him to my house (he was bed bound so their was no risk of him getting lost).  Her response was "what would people think."  I was trying to avoid her but I wasn't no contact.  One day I happened into dad's nursing home room to find he was dying.  He had already had last rites and she had been told HOURS earlier that this was the end.  She had not called me or my brother. As I said, I happened by. My brother didn't make it in time.  To this day she swears he there when dad died (just another crazy lie, one of a million.)

[larmieq]

I have been just reading here for awhile.  I moved into a relatively stable time with my uBPD mom the last few years.  After lots of reading on the boards here, Children of Borderline Mothers, Stop Walking on Eggshells, Let Me Out of Here and some others.  I have been able to better set boundaries, avoid topics that tip her over and LC. Spiritually, I have been getting better at offering compassion, for I know she is ill.  In that compassion, I try not to take the hurtful things she says personally, but look at them as her illness.  But last winter she reached a new low.  And I have not been able to reach a new stable spot with it.  Thought there might be some thoughts and suggestions here. 

It began when she sent me a Christmas gift.  I received it in 2 parts.  Called and thanked her for the first part.  She wanted me to call immediately when I received the second.  Well I did not call for 5 days.  When I did call, she was in such a bad place.  It was if she could not even hear what I had to say to her.  This was an unacceptable amount of time to say thank you.  Plus I did not show her enough appreciation for the gift (what she heard in my voice was concern for the money she had spent because I know she is in serious financial striates, but she does not know that I know)  So I was disowned, and told she would never speak to me again and them disparaged both my husband and oldest son.  So I just let it go.  I did not respond.  I felt a sense of relief to have some space that was not my own creating. 

Then, in February, my adult brother called very hurt.  He had been in the ICU for 10 days( this must have been very serious for him to have been in ICU for so long!) the end of January for sepsis.  He asked my mom to call me.  She did not.  He did not know that and was shocked to learn that I knew nothing about his hospitalization.  This is the low that I cannot find compassion to move past.  It is cold hearted!  Was she punishing me, my brother or both of us?

[larmieq]

OOPS, sorry for the repost of this topic.  My computer told me yesterday the session had timed out and did not post.   

[Sasha026]

Please forgive me, but I was dying to find out what she bought you! It must have been something very special for her crazy reaction. Then again, these women react poorly if we don't fawn all over them for the worst gifts... .never mind if they put a little thought into them.

I once got a gift in two parts... .and she expected me to be grateful. It was a plastic garbage can... .and the lid. Wrapped separately. My words were, "Oh... .thank you... .it's just what I needed"... ."oh, wow... .the lid - thank you".

You were obviously being punished. This is why she didn't mention your brother's illness. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Thank God he was okay. Sepsis is a very serious illness - a normal mother would have alerted the whole family. I'm sorry.

[larmieq]

I am always sorry to hear that others too have had family treat them in this manner.  My heart goes out to you nevermore.  I am glad you happened by to see your dad.  Your poor brother, that must have been so hard on him to be left out on purpose.

I have been NC with uBPD mom for almost a year now.  Only have brief texts with my brother.  He must be full on into addiction. He usually does not contact me when he is using.  He has been the target of her negative splitting most of his life.  While fully enmeshed with her, I was the all good child.  Currently I believe I am serving as the all bad child because I will not get tangled in her enmeshment web ever again. I hope somehow it helps him if I am the all bad child.  I know more about BPD and I think I can weather it better than he has.

My mom too is full of lies.  Lies to rewrite her history so she feels better. 

[larmieq]

Thank you Sasha026, I think she is punishing me too for being ungrateful and all the hurt I have caused her by setting boundaries.  My brother is out of the hospital, but full on into his addiction, I think, as a way of dealing the pain of being the all bad child.

The gift she sent was thoughtful.  But all her gifts have strings attached.  Unspoken expectation that you have to meet, impossible to guess what they might be and therefore impossible to meet.  It is as if she says, "with this gift you will say things that take away all the pain I have ever felt and make me feel whole again".  I know there is nothing I could say that would do this for her.  So my thank you's always fall short.

DId you mom accept your thank you's for the trash can, or did she spiral to a bad place?  What did you do with the trash can?

I feel for you pain that brought you here.  Wish we both had loving mom's standing by our sides.

[Sasha026]

You have to look at it as a child would. Remember when you were a kid and you had a fight with one of your friends? And, the friend rounded up all of your other friends and "got them on her side"? Well, that's what you're going through here. Try to imagine the brain of a girl about 10 to 12 years old and how they act. Since you won't play by her rules, she will not grace you with her company. She will also not share any information on your family. You are persona non grata. A traitor. The enemy. And, she also thinks that you should be pushed out of the familial nest until you come to your senses and realize that she knows best.

I know this sounds stupid and silly, but that's the way they think. I had 59 years of being inside the brain of a BPD. I knew how my mother thought - I didn't say that it made any sense. To a BPD, loyalty and subservience comes first and everything else falls behind.

It may be wise to contact your brother and have him put down that you are his contact person. This way, you can be there to help him (if you want to). Or, maybe a friend of his could keep you informed. I'm telling you that you won't get any info from your mother. "You, young lady, are being punished!" (How many times have you heard that one? I heard it a lot - even after I was married with children.)

Hope your brother gets the help he needs. It seems that he's going through his own hell. 

In the end, it really isn't worth it. All of the role playing is BS. She will never change - they never do. She may mellow out with age, but the way her mind works will always be the same.

[Sasha026]

The only way to thank a BPD for a special gift is a Hallmark Card. It has to be formal, full of praise for the gift and for her thoughtfulness and it has to cost at least five bucks. This way, she can exhibit it in the living room so that when people she knows come over, she can show them the card and boast about her gift to you. See how it works? It's all about her generosity and how much you love her for it. Without that acknowledgement of love, she becomes a shell again... .the black hole returns.

I know you have come to terms with her mental illness, but the shenanigans and hoops you have to jump through can be tiring. It's like having a perennial 10 year old spoiled daughter on your hands. After a while, you just want them to grow up. Every problem is met with immaturity. A tantrum always necessary. A point is always made and must be adhered to.

How did my mother react to the garbage can and lid thank you? Like she gave me a car - totally pragmatic and useful. A good choice of gift. She also thought it was funny. Both of my parents had a sick sense of humor at inappropriate times. I just had to be a good sport and laugh it off. You see, a sweater would have had the same use (pragmatic and useful), but the garbage can got a better laugh. To be quite honest, if she did get me a sweater, it would have had a lot of bows on it. I got more use out of the garbage can and I didn't have to return it.

[larmieq]

Thank you to whoever combined my 2 posts into 1!

One of my first realizations something was going on with my mom, my child was 2 and we had just moved.  She had come to help, but was not particularly helpful.  (such as NEEDing to take me shopping for something for my husband the day we had our moving van, thus leaving hubby alone to load).  The next morning, in our new place full of boxes, I am trying to find the toaster for 2 year old who is crying and wanting breakfast.  She is standing in the kitchen demanding, crying that I hook up the washing machine immediately so she can wash NOW.  I am looking at both of them and thinking "WOW she is a 2 year old!"  Long and short of it, I continued trying to make breakfast for real child and she got mad and went back home several states away.  Perennial child, Sasha

Currently, I think she is gathering my childhood friends in her corner.  They have dropped off in reaching out to me.  It is their opinion, I just need to apologize to make things better.  I have tried to explain, that an apology is not what she needs.  But for me to collapse on the floor in tears and apologize for every wrong I have ever done to her.  And boy I have to make sure I get them all!  THis will right her, but it leaves me feeling small and worthless, I know, I did it for years.  I have vowed to never do this behavior again.  I will not be in an abusive relationship.  But I miss them and wish they would be of a support to me.  How is that for loving unconditional motherly love?  I cannot seem to say the right things to them to get them to understand.  It saddens me a great deal, we have been friends our entire lives. But they live in town with her, I do not.

The shenanigans and hoops are exhausting.  Some of the hoops still trip me up, because I don't know what or where they are.  My mom is getting worse with age.  I wonder if some dementia might be setting in, but not in a position to ask this.

As for my brother Sasha, I like your suggestion of getting him to put me down as a contact person.  I will have to work on this.  He is not communicating with me beyond small texts and does not answer his phone when I call.  Maybe if he finds a way out of his addiction this time, I can work on having him do this.  I suspect he may not put anyone down.  I have tried to educate him on BPD over the last few years, when he was not using, but it has hard for him to take it in.  She has totally emasculated him  :'(