Expressed praise and backfired

[izzitme]

I made an error in judgement and feel really bad.  I have been trying to validate and express positive feelings because I have been so reactive and pissed off that he feels unloved and last night it was taken the wrong way and now I feel like a two-fold idiot.  I can be very assertive sexually to the point where I had a therapist tell me that I make men feel inadequate- I have been told that by my ex and my uBPDbf.  The bf tries so hard and I sent him a note saying that I am so happy and satisfied and I don't want to make him feel lacking.  I realize that was stupid because it was taken as I'm thinking that he is inadequate.  I really should have thought that one through a bit better.  I feel stupid for expressing and I feel even worse that it wasn't received, ugh.  I need to keep my mouth shut

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi izzitme,

Try to go easy on yourself.  We don't always say things just so and that is okay. 

Sometimes it helps is to reframe what we were trying to convey (to ourselves) and let it go at that.  The more we try to 'fix', the more we can stick our feet in our mouths.

There will be a next time to get it right

[Lao Tzu]

Dear izzitme,

     Let's look at your post: "I made an error", "I feel like a two-fold idiot", "I make men feel inadequate", "I feel stupid", "I need to keep my mouth shut"  ... .and this is how you feel about yourself when you have been trying to validate and express positive feelings.  I wonder how you would feel if you had only intended to be neutral (i.e. not supportive or destructive) toward him or if, God forbid, you had been human and actually meant to attack him.  If I'm reading between these not-so-subtle lines correctly, he feels inadequate and it's all your fault because you're a failure as a person and an absolute fool when it comes to communication.  Wow, you must be pretty bad!  I'm kind of surprised you were able to get your message across in written form here.

     Some people believe (I'm one of them), that adults are responsible for their own feelings.  If someone walks into my office and makes it clear he thinks I'm an idiot and the next person in tells me I'm not, should I just add up the positives and subtract the negatives in order to judge myself?  No, that would be silly; I have a sense of myself and that includes whether or not I'm an idiot.  You (in fact) might not agree, but I think I'm OK.  The pwBPD has a problem, by definition, with that 'sense of self' thing, but that's not a good reason for you to buy into his pathology.  You aren't responsible for how he feels about himself any more than you're responsible for how I feel about myself.  Also, even the law considers intent.  If you were swatting a fly when you slapped someone accidentally it's doubtful the police would be called for assault.  If you meant to slap someone, that's a totally different story.  Here you meant to do some good and you aren't responsible for someone else's feelings anyway.  You might benefit from asking yourself why you're so quick to completely comdemn yourself.  If you heard this story from someone else, would you feel they were an idiot, etc.?  If not, why should you be treated differently?  Just sayin... .

LT

[dawnjd]

Hey Izzi.

What makes being with an BPD so hard is if you say something the wrong way, even if you try to correct yourself, the pwBPD will always take it that wrong way and stick to it. At least you can admit that you may have worded things in not the best way (and hopefully apologized), but you can't change how he takes it. If he can't take the apology, that is his own issue.

Try not to beat yourself up so much abut it (easier said than done), but by nature of the BPD if something nice can be turned into a negative, they will be the master of that.

*hugs*